Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with it

[zoebartlett]

This subject is so personal for many people, but I'm curious about it. My husband and I haven't had kids yet and it doesn't look like we're going to. Sometimes I think that if I was to say it aloud to someone, I might fall into a puddle, but I'm generally okay with it, if that makes ANY sense. We haven't come to a definitive decision, "no, we're NOT having children." It's more of a "if it happens, great, if not, that would be okay too." And well, it hasn't happened. I've thought that way in the past about other things (finding someone and getting married), and part of me wondered if I was just burying my head in the sand and not dealing with how I really felt. It's a possibility.

Anyway, for some reason, I feel more comfortable discussing this here and not with close friends and family. Has anyone else felt this way?

 

[noelwr]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe - I'm guessing that you aren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant, but it's just not happening? I am pregnant now, but we started the same way as you. we decided that if it did or didn't happen, we would be fine both ways. if it didn't happen, we wouldn't seek "medical assistance". this way we wouldn't know which one of us would be the one who had conception problems and we wouldn't argue about one of us not trying hard enough, etc. we've been together just the 2 of us for 8 years and it's been great, so we couldn't see how not having a baby (ie not changing our situation) could be negative. so as long as you both agree from the beginning that you'll take whatever life gives you, you'll be fine. we didn't discuss our decision with any family members. everyone thought we didn't want to have kids and just left it at that. as soon as you tell people you aren't preventing conception, then they'll start guessing you're pregnant or keep pestering you about it, so I would recommend keeping it to yourself.

on the other hand, we conceived very quickly (after the 2nd month of not preventing), but then I had a miscarriage early on, and then I became obsessed with falling pregnant again so the 2nd time was tracking my cycle, etc, and DH was committed to "doing his part". the 2nd time around I also got pregnant the 2nd month of trying so we were very fortunate both times that we didn't have to wait the average of 9 months for someone my age. perhaps if we were still trying now, I wouldn't be so lax anymore about our decision, but I would definitely would never have asked DH to get tested because I think that would have put a strain on our relationship and our commitment to each other is more important to me than my desire to have a kid.

I don't know what advice to give you as everyone feels differently about having kids and how much they are willing to make it happen. I would just take some time for yourself to decide what your priorities are and only discuss with your husband when you are very certain what it is you want.

 

[Sha]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Is it that saying it 'aloud' makes it seem more 'official'? Whereas going with the flow and not talking/thinking about it makes it seem more like 'something that happened', and therefore easier to deal with?

Just curious about you feeling teary saying it out loud, but being 'okay' otherwise....

Are you guys 'not preventing' right now?? Have you discussed how long you'll continue doing this before you make a decision either way?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, I think when it comes to having children, and the number of children, you have to be sure. A child changes everything. I don't know what it is like coming to terms with not having children, but I certainly know what it is like to come to terms with something that I may not like. For me, it is a grieving process. Acceptance is grief. I must let go of all the dreams I had. I have to remind myself maybe *this* is the plan for me. Maybe I don't really know what is right for my life. I have to accept life on life's terms. I think like most things it is a process not a decision.

I also think it depends on WHY you aren't having children that changes how you come to terms with it. For example (and I am not saying this is the case!) if it is b/c your DH doesn't want them and you do, well that is going to be difficult to accept vs. just not feeling like you want to be a mom. Whatever the circumstances be patient and gentle with yourself. Even if you feel 100% sure, this is a major life decision. Feel those feelings so you can get past the limbo stage. Best of luck!

 

[Laila619]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, tough situation! I think you and your DH will eventually have to decide if having kids is essential to your happiness or not. I personally think a couple can be very happy without kids. Don't feel pressured if you don't truly want to have them. On the flip side, if you do decide to actively start TTC, you can look into charting and using OPKs to pinpoint with more accuracy the prime babymaking time. Sometimes, simply not preventing is not enough, because you may still be missing your ovulation date. Good luck with whatever you decide; I'm sure you and your DH will be happy regardless.

if it didn't happen, we wouldn't seek "medical assistance". this way we wouldn't know which one of us would be the one who had conception problems and we wouldn't argue about one of us not trying hard enough, etc.

Noel, just wanted to clear something up...seeking help does not always mean that you find out one spouse has "conception problems." Sometimes both spouses are perfectly healthy and fertile, and a reason for failure to conceive is not found; certainly no one is to blame for not trying hard enough because we all know it's a process that one can't control or fix with a little more effort.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, I definitely think that not having or having children is such a personal decision. I think it's nuts that everyone assumes ALL women want children. I do have to say though that I personally believe that "not preventing" and "trying" are the same thing. I like to control things so I typically make a decision one way or the other (of course free to change my mind later! ) and then take actions to support that decision.

If I were you, I would prevent until you decide what to do so that it's your decision if and when you have children. If you don't mind me asking - is it possible you have some fear that you won't be able to have children so you're convincing yourself you don't really want them? I'm asking because the tone of your post seemed a little like you were talking yourself into it.

In any case, I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I know how tough this decision is. I had DD when I was 17 and she'll be off to college in a few years ( ) so it was very difficult for me to decide whether or not I wanted another. After all, that would mean spending from age 17 to at least 50 with at least one child at home. Those numbers were intimidating to me but we ultimately decided it would be worth it and had another.

 

[Kismet]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, when we got married 12 years ago we made the same decision. So after about 3 years of marriage I went off BC and we decided that if I got pregnant, then great and if I didn't then also great. 9 years later, no babies.

On the downside, now that I'm 43 my husband's biological clock has started ticking for him and lately he's been asking "wouldn't the pitter patter of little feet be great?"

Pupp, I think if the couple's reproductive systems are in good working order then there's not a lot of difference between 'not preventing' and 'trying'. If I was trying for babies then my husband and I would have been at the doctor 8 years ago asking what's wrong and what can you do to fix it.

 

[Sha]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

I see 'trying' as more active process than 'not preventing'.

And ditto to noelwr that 'not preventing' may not be enough if you do want to conceive. In my case - my O date is later than average (20 days instead of the average '14' - I only found that out by charting my cycles), and DH and I only have sex about once a week, at the most. Given that, and the 20 % chance of conceiving every month - we probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant for a very long time. When we started to 'try', I got active with charting my cycles, understanding cervical mucus, and using opks to determine by most fertile time, and we conceived easily after that.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

I see what you guys are saying about the difference between trying and not preventing. I guess my point is - if you don't want children, you should probably do more than "not prevent", KWIM?

 

[noelwr]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

crud, I saved my reply as a draft by mistake and when I click to load it, it just takes me back to the thread.

anyway, Laila, I absolutely agree that not being able to conceive is not a "failure", but *if* something were to be found with either DH or me, we know that we would still feel that way and it would put too much a strain on our relationship. just wanted to make the point that you should come to an agreement with your partner earlier rather than later how far you are willing to go to have a baby.

 

[Sha]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, tough situation! I think you and your DH will eventually have to decide if having kids is essential to your happiness or not. I personally think a couple can be very happy without kids. Don't feel pressured if you don't truly want to have them. On the flip side, if you do decide to actively start TTC, you can look into charting and using OPKs to pinpoint with more accuracy the prime babymaking time. Sometimes, simply not preventing is not enough, because you may still be missing your ovulation date. Good luck with whatever you decide; I'm sure you and your DH will be happy regardless.

if it didn't happen, we wouldn't seek "medical assistance". this way we wouldn't know which one of us would be the one who had conception problems and we wouldn't argue about one of us not trying hard enough, etc.

Noel, just wanted to clear something up...seeking help does not always mean that you find out one spouse has "conception problems." Sometimes both spouses are perfectly healthy and fertile, and a reason for failure to conceive is not found; certainly no one is to blame for not trying hard enough because we all know it's a process that one can't control or fix with a little more effort.

Sorry, this is what I meant to 'ditto' earlier.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

First, thanks for replying everyone. I hesitated to post this because it is personal, but I didn't really feel like having this conversation with my family or other friends.

Noelwr -- we've decided not to rely on medical interventions for help. It's worked for so many close friends, and I'm so happy for them. It's just not something I feel comfortable with, FOR ME. My husband's supportive no matter what. You're right that people would start asking. The reason why this even came up and why I decided to post this is because my mom and I were recently talking about kids and she brought the subject up. To give her credit, she hasn't been pushy at all. She's made a few comments here and there about wanting grand children but nothing over the top. Other than this one conversation, we don't really talk about it. I know I could go to her if I needed, but I'd rather keep it to ourselves (meaning my husband and me). I do lurk in the mommies threads but because I have nothing to add, I generally keep quiet. I'm so happy for you and your husband!

Sha -- you're right. Saying it aloud would mean making our non-decision official. I realize that it sounds odd, but there it is. If I said, "we've decided not to have kids" it would be definitive. If I just say (when people ask when/if we're going to have kids) "I'm not sure. It's something we're thinking about," it remains vague but lets the person know that yes, the thought of having children has crossed our minds.

I've said this here in the past, but I think part of it is because I'm a teacher. Of course I know that my students aren't my own, but for the time that I have them, I treat them as if they were my own. If I wasn't in education and if I wasn't with them as often as I was during the year, I might feel a much stronger pull to have kids. The way it is now, I love being with them M-F, and I also love the peace and quiet at home the rest of the time. Would I be happy if I discovered that I was pregnant? Yes. Scared too, honestly, but I'd be happy. I've always known that I was meant to work with kids in some way, and kids have always been a huge part of my life. I don't know if I *need* to be a mother to live a fulfilling life though. I do think I'd miss out on some things, of course, but I'd be okay.

I apologize if my ramblings aren't making sense.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

I know I must sound wishy-washy about this, but now you know how my mind works sometimes. Clear as mud, as they say.

Tacori -- thanks for the advice. D's fine either way. Neither one of us have felt that we HAD to have children. He doesn't ever say that he feels he was put on this Earth to have kids. I feel the same way. You know how some girls picture their wedding day and have their wedding and life all planned out by the time they're 30? Yeah, not me. I never had those childhood dreams of my wedding. I always looked at it very logically and realistically. Again, it was the whole "if it happens, great. If not, okay, well, that would be okay too" mentality I had. It was the same way with kids. At one time, I was dead set against becoming pregnant though. I had no interest in that. I thought I'd adopt. Then I found out what that would entail, financially speaking. I slowly came around to the idea of becoming pregnant and I was okay with it. But then...nothing's happened.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Thank you Laila! It's funny, out of all my friends, I was the one who was around kids all the time when I was younger. I was the one who they thought would have kids first. Then I became the last of my friends to get married (at almost 35 and that was 2 years ago and I'm now almost 37). I KNOW I'm meant to have children in my life, and that's one of the reasons I became an elementary teacher. But do I think I was meant to be a mom? That's where my mind goes a little blank.

By the way, I really, really appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts on this subject. It's not easy to put it all out there, and I rarely do that here. So thank you.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Puppmom, thank for your thoughts. Congratulations to you, by the way! If I told you that I was tearing up a little in reading your post, would that answer your question? I'm a huge scaredy-cat about a bunch of stuff. I suck at being reflective. I joke around or shrug off how I really feel about certain things, which is why I said that I may be hiding my head in the sand. Gosh, I wasn't expecting this to be such great therapy! On a public forum, no less!

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Kismet -- thanks. I'm glad you know where I'm coming from.

Sha -- It's funny, although I love to research things a lot, my reproductive system and when certain things may uh, work better, is something that I haven't had any interest in. Don't know why. I'm really glad that there are suggestions out there for those who are interested in charting, etc., It's just not something I think I would do. I honestly mean no disrespect though.

I'm not ignoring the trying vs. not preventing issue here. I'm just not sure how I feel yet. Trying does seem a bit more active and not preventing seems the more passive stance I suppose. I feel like I'm getting tongue-tied.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

I see 'trying' as more active process than 'not preventing'.

'not preventing' may not be enough if you do want to conceive. In my case - my O date is later than average (20 days instead of the average '14' - I only found that out by charting my cycles), and DH and I only have sex about once a week, at the most. Given that, and the 20 % chance of conceiving every month - we probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant for a very long time. When we started to 'try', I got active with charting my cycles, understanding cervical mucus, and using opks to determine by most fertile time, and we conceived easily after that.

Yes! That's why I don't think not preventing = trying. You may not even need medical help if you decide to actively TTC. Sometimes all it takes is a few months of charting.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Okay, last thought before I need to think about other things for a while.

I've always been pretty career-minded. In my line of work, it can be hard to reenter the work-force if you've stayed home for a long time. That's one of the reasons I don't think I'd want to give that up. On the other hand, looking at how my teacher friends try to juggle work and family life, I see how they struggle and some of them feel like they're not giving 100% to either thing. Do I want to be in a position to decide that?

Wow, I just reread what I've written, and it's completely self-centered. I'm not usually like that (me me me). Sorry!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe I think you are expressing yourself very eloquently!

Might I suggest some more self-reflection in this situation so that you can identify your own motivations for not wanting to "try" to get pregnant (to the extent any human can know their own motivations )? I can think of a few main motivations, though there could be others. Noelwr mentioned her reasons. Some other people might think that a higher power or fate should determine such things. Some people might at their core not want to have kids. And some people might be afraid of failure. All of these motives would end up with the same behaviour. And if you motives are the first three, then knowing that would help bring clarity for your choice not to try.

But if you think that fear of failure is the motivation, my advice is very different. Many people avoid "trying" for things they desire very much because the thought of failing is crippling. The process is called self-handicapping -- if you do not try at something, and then by some chance you fail, then you can always say, "Well I did not try!" and it helps protect self-worth. But of course, it is a shallow protection, because the person still did not achieve their goal. And worse, self-handicapping is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because by not trying to achieve a goal, then the person is almost guaranteed not to achieve it. This applies to TTC, because for most couples, simply not preventing and choosing not to increase frequency of intercourse or trying to time it for certain times in the cycle will not result in a pregnancy, and if it does it would likely take much longer that the average of 6-12 months that are required will well-timed intercourse (assuming typical frequency of once a week or less).

I don't want to read too much into your posts my dear, but you have said some things that make me think a little bit of self-handicapping or denial may be in action I am not telling you what your decision about this should be, but only suggest with love that you reflect and try to identify your own true motivations if you can, even if looking at those motivations is scary, or anxiety provoking, or makes you feel sad. No matter what, I do think knowing one's heart and mind is better than not knowing when it comes to things like this.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

I see 'trying' as more active process than 'not preventing'.

'not preventing' may not be enough if you do want to conceive. In my case - my O date is later than average (20 days instead of the average '14' - I only found that out by charting my cycles), and DH and I only have sex about once a week, at the most. Given that, and the 20 % chance of conceiving every month - we probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant for a very long time. When we started to 'try', I got active with charting my cycles, understanding cervical mucus, and using opks to determine by most fertile time, and we conceived easily after that.

Yes! That's why I don't think not preventing = trying. You may not even need medical help if you decide to actively TTC. Sometimes all it takes is a few months of charting.

And trying need not even involve charting either, if that seems like too much work. Trying can also simply involve recording the start and end of your cycles and then having more sex during the middle two weeks of a typical length cycle -- every 2 or 3 days maybe. I think that is trying as well, for many, without having to temp and chart and all of that. And for some people that is enough to get pregnant.

My point is there can be a happy medium between simply not preventing and full-on charting that can still be "trying" .

 

[Mara]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe... your story sounds an awful lot like mine, in general.

Starting out we didn't think we wanted kids, but weren't really sure. Over the course of many years of discussion we decided we did want to try, but also I would not have been keen on intervention either. For me that just would not have been the route I'd want to go. And I say this now also knowing what it's like to have a child. If it hadn't worked out the way it did I think we would have tried to accept it.

I also hear you on the passive vs interactive stance. When we decided to 'try' it was more like 'let's just not be careful'. I also had some basic knowledge of my cycle and *thought* I may be around ovulation time. And it happened on the first try. Ridiculous, really--10 years together and boom. Would I have gone through all the TTC stuff? I don't really know. We prob would have done the passive way for a while (lol re: passive way because umm to get preg it's not passive at all but you know what it means!) and then maybe thought about it more and discussed how to proceed. Testing we'd probably have gotten done.

In any case, it may or may not work out that you have children. It sounds to me like you'd both still be happy and live fulfilled lives even if a child wasn't in your future. I think we would have been that way too..for the most part. Now that the baby is here, it's been very wonderful but very hard, but we knew that going in. But did we absolutely NEED a child to make our lives complete, not really knowing what we were missing....I don't think so. And I say that with nothing but crazy love for my baby boy, but if it did not work out this way, I think that we would have been OK.

Hugs though because I know how stressful it is to be thinking about this stuff. But I definitely identify with your line about 'if it happens, it happens'....because I believe in stuff happening the way it will also. That is kind of where we were at the time mentally too. Don't feel like you have to explain your decisions or what is happening in your life to anyone. People can be crazy judgmental on things they feel are their business. We told our family for years that we weren't sure. Even when we thought we did want kids we didn't really tell any of them. Because that would have opened up so many new convos we didn't feel ready to have...and what if it didn't work out and we were 'trying' for years. Extra pressure from family is never fun. Anyhoo. Hang in there.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, you've gotten some great advice. There are some smart and well-intentioned gals on this forum!

I don't think you sound all over the place. I think you're just unsure...and who isn't? It's a huge decision!

 

[Haven]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Dreamer--I really liked your post.

Zoe--I've been struggling with some of the same issues recently. I'll be 30 on Friday, DH is 40, and we just don't feel the urge for children yet, so we've been wondering if maybe that means we just shouldn't be parents. For us it's not that we definitely don't want children, it's that we don't want them right now, and I'm feeling the clock is starting to tick, so I've just been conflicted.

Anyway, I thought I'd post in your thread to say I know how you feel! And, to share something I just experienced today:
I was sitting at my desk and realized that I'm late. At least one week, maybe two or three. (I clearly don't pay close attention to these things.) The biggest shock? I was actually more excited than scared about being late. I came home and put off taking an at-home test for hours because I was enjoying the possibility and wanted to explore how I really felt about that for a while, and I concluded that it felt good. (The test was negative, by the way, so now I'm just scared that I have some invisible illness.)

So, I told DH all about it when he got home and tonight was kind of the turning point for us when we stopped talking about "if" we have kids and made the decision that we do want them. Eventually. Just not right now.

Now that I've typed this out I'm not sure if it's very helpful at all. I'm sorry! Maybe you just need a turning point, some moment where you can feel out how you'd feel if you were pregnant, or on the flip side, without children and much older.

Hugs and support, Zoe. It's stressful to make these big decisions, isn't it? It sounds like we both have fabulous husbands who are supportive of us no matter what, but sometimes I wish mine would just make this decision for me!

 

[rhbgirl24]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

This hits home with me too. I've always been on the fence about having children. My family is huge and its almost blasphemy to mention that I possibly do not want to. My DH never saw himself with kids, but says he would be open to the discussion later on if I were to decide I did want them.

I am actively preventing them, ie birth control because its what I feel is best now. I just don't want to think all the what ifs later, you know?

I wish you the best with your journey and hope that ultimately whatever choice you make is the best one for yourself and your husband!

 

[ChinaCat]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe I think you are expressing yourself very eloquently!

Might I suggest some more self-reflection in this situation so that you can identify your own motivations for not wanting to "try" to get pregnant (to the extent any human can know their own motivations )? I can think of a few main motivations, though there could be others. Noelwr mentioned her reasons. Some other people might think that a higher power or fate should determine such things. Some people might at their core not want to have kids. And some people might be afraid of failure. All of these motives would end up with the same behaviour. And if you motives are the first three, then knowing that would help bring clarity for your choice not to try.

But if you think that fear of failure is the motivation, my advice is very different. Many people avoid "trying" for things they desire very much because the thought of failing is crippling. The process is called self-handicapping -- if you do not try at something, and then by some chance you fail, then you can always say, "Well I did not try!" and it helps protect self-worth. But of course, it is a shallow protection, because the person still did not achieve their goal. And worse, self-handicapping is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because by not trying to achieve a goal, then the person is almost guaranteed not to achieve it. This applies to TTC, because for most couples, simply not preventing and choosing not to increase frequency of intercourse or trying to time it for certain times in the cycle will not result in a pregnancy, and if it does it would likely take much longer that the average of 6-12 months that are required will well-timed intercourse (assuming typical frequency of once a week or less).

I don't want to read too much into your posts my dear, but you have said some things that make me think a little bit of self-handicapping or denial may be in action I am not telling you what your decision about this should be, but only suggest with love that you reflect and try to identify your own true motivations if you can, even if looking at those motivations is scary, or anxiety provoking, or makes you feel sad. No matter what, I do think knowing one's heart and mind is better than not knowing when it comes to things like this.

Zoe-

My take after reading your posts are much in line with Dreamer's thoughts above.

It sounds like you are not sure about what you want. The title of this thread is "deciding not to have children and coming to terms with it" but your posts sound as if you are thinking you *might* go that route and want to know how to come to terms with it, but you aren't sure and are questioning your own thoughts on the subject. Which to me is very different from someone who knows they don't want kids, but is having a hard time coming to terms with it, for themselves or for others in their life. You haven't said here that you don't want children. You've said that you aren't sure, but it's starting to look like that might be the case.

Zoe, I really really urge you to sit with yourself and really search your heart and be 100% honest with yourself. Journal about it if you have to and then tear it up or burn it, but you really need to decide within you what YOU want. I think in situations like this we truly do have an instinct about what we want, but we get in our own way with "shoulds" and "maybes" and "what ifs". I would ask yourself: "DO I want children?" Don't put any limitations on what means, don't say well, I do, but what if I regret it, or I don't, but what if I change my mind. Just answer your own question. Yes or No. Only then can you figure out how to come to terms with it.

It's too big a decision to leave out there. It might be a painful answer, but you need to know the right answer, not matter how hard it is.

I wish you much grace in making this decision. I was very scared to decide to have kids, for many reasons. It's huge and life-changing and it's impossible to know what it will really be like.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

You have no idea how mad I am right now. I just spent an hour putting together a post to address the latest thoughts and advice, and I lost the whole thing. The ONE time I didn't save my post! I can't even deal with it now, but I will be back later. Thank you though, everyone!

Mara, I did want to mention on a completely non-related topic, that you and I have a common friend (from PS), and I'm not sure if you know that. She's a doll and I hope to see her again soon.

Be back later.

 

[Sha]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Sorry you lost your post, Zoe! I hate it when that happens!

I really liked Dreamer's post above.

Do you think you and the DH might be discussing this issue anytime soon, or is this something you're sorting through on your own for the moment?

 

[Allison D.]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

You have no idea how mad I am right now. I just spent an hour putting together a post to address the latest thoughts and advice, and I lost the whole thing. The ONE time I didn't save my post! I can't even deal with it now, but I will be back later. Thank you though, everyone!

Mara, I did want to mention on a completely non-related topic, that you and I have a common friend (from PS), and I'm not sure if you know that. She's a doll and I hope to see her again soon.

Be back later.

Um......SHE thinks you're a doll, too, and would love to plan a time to see you. She just has to know when you're free! LOL

 

[Allison D.]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

Zoe, we've talked about this in person, and I can tell you're in a hard place with it, so I'll contribute what I think I see.

When I first read through this thread, my first inclination was similar to Dreamer's; I initially thought that maybe you were afraid to declare "yes I want kids" because it would be harder to accept if it didn't happen. But in carefully rereading many of the things you've said here, I've come to believe the opposite. I sense you are afraid to declare that you don't want kids.

Most of the things you've said here lead me to think that in your heart of hearts, you don't want children.
I've never dreamt of being a mom
I don't have interest in knowing how my system works (not even to mildly increase chances of getting pregnant without artificial
intervention)
I'm meant to be around kids, but am I meant to be a mom?
I don't want to give up my career
I see how my friends struggle with work/family balance and do I really want to be in that position, feeling like I"m not giving either
100%

In my experience, when a person truly wants something, s/he can't help but actively try on some level (even subconscious) to make it happen. The fact that you aren't, coupled with all the sentiments above, really lead me to feel that you DO know what's in your heart.

I think what you're really struggling with is owning your decision. If you don't 'officially' decide, then you don't have to own it, and that lets you avoid the discomfort of having to justify a position you know may face disagreement. I sense this not only from knowing you in person, but also in what you're written.
"If we don't decide, we can at least tell people we're thinking about it"
"it's only coming up because my mom brought it up and said she wants grandchildren."

The decision not to have kids (or not to have more) can be a difficult one to stand behind for the most outspoken women, so I'm sure it's even harder for those with a milder, more benign demeanor. People somehow feel licensed to treat it like a 'democratic vote' matter that might sway if they lobby hard enough. There's often also the implication something's wrong with you for not wanting kids, and I have to imagine that's even more intense for a teacher (What do you MEAN, you don't want kids? How can you not want kids if you're a teacher?)

However, people do not harass childless people if the reason meets with their approval (i.e. we're thinking about it, we weren't able to get pregnant, etc.). By remaining officially undecided, you can travel the path of least (no?) resistance comfortably.

Like Dreamer, I don't really want to read too much into your posts nor steer you in any way because it ISN'T a group decision; it's yours. I just hope to give you feedback on the vibe I'm getting as food for thought in helping you sort out your feelings.

 

[Mara]

Re: Deciding not to have children and coming to terms with i

To play devils advocate, Allison... I think I can justifiably say that I have also either said or thought all of those same things Zoe said. And as you know, it took us YEARS to figure out what we wanted to do and we took our own sweet time.

Much of what you wrote out IMO, Zoe, is 'rational' thought. But it's very hard to rational thought having children. If I only looked at the rational...chances are we wouldn't have had kids. It's hard to have a super organized, well-ordered life with a kid. It's hard to have the same career and the same WISH for the same career with a kid (for me anyway). It costs money. It costs time. It costs vacations. It costs relationships. I often feel like I am not giving 75%, forget 100%.

But I'm still glad we made the decision we did though it is very hard for me to accept that I will never again give 100% in every aspect of my life. That one is still sticking with me.

In any case--I am not advocating FOR or AGAINST here. Just wanted to let you know that based on rational thought--we wouldn't have gone this route. But at some point we both had to recognize you either decide to do it or you don't. Whatever you guys decide, when you DO decide, own it!