Debating the big "move-in"......

[ephemery1]

So this has been an on-going debate between my fiance and I... even though I know it's not THAT big a deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm just completely undecided right now, and hoping for some feedback.....

BACKGROUND:
We are currently each living in 1-bedroom apartments on the same park, in buildings that are almost catty-corner from each other. A 3-minute walk, at most. His apartment is bigger, about 950 sf to my 750 sf... so I'll move in there with him eventually and we'll probably start looking to move out of the city altogether sometime next year. Our parents own our respective apartments, so neither of us currently pay rent or a mortgage... just condo fees. I never had any intention of living together pre-engagement, but now that we're engaged and our wedding is 7 months away, FI is REALLY hoping for sooner than later. I am currently a student and also work for a college 3 days a week, so will have a chunk of time over Christmas break when I could feasibly put my apt on the market, pack everything up and move. Otherwise, I'd probably wait until the end of May, after our wedding/honeymoon.

PROS (that I see):
- No more buying groceries together, then splitting them up on the way home from the store.
- No more walk home every morning before work for him (he usually stays at my place, and I do get very sad on the nights we're apart).
- His apt is somewhat of a blank slate right now after some recent remodeling, so we could make it "our" space right away before it becomes oversaturated with "his" stuff again... plus he's already cleared out drawers and closets for me
- Washer and dryer in his apt, as opposed to basement laundry room

- Other random logistical things related to having all our shared stuff split between two places
- Only one cable/internet bill to pay
- FI would be very happy

CONS (that I see):
- I

my apartment!! Seriously, it is decorated VERY "me", and I love every inch of having my own space... I know I have to give some of that up eventually, but maybe not quite yet?
- His building doesn't allow cats, and I have one. It is unlikely it will turn into a big problem (I know some other residents there have "fur plants", aka pets), but I don't feel like worrying about it sooner than I have to...
- My dad wouldn't love the idea of us living together pre-marriage, though he's pretty easygoing and would probably adapt
- Moving over Christmas break seems more complicated than moving in the summer for some reason... not sure why
- Wedding planning is stressful... do I want to add the psychological adjustment of moving in together into that 4-months-before-wedding phase?

ALL objective (or subjective!) feedback is welcome... I'd love to hear other people's experiences or what your initial thoughts are. Like I said, I know it's not a huge deal, I'm just so evenly split between pros and cons right now, I'm kinda hoping for something to put me over the edge!

 

[robbie3982]

FI and I live together, but in your situation I''d say keep the separate apartments for now. You''re not paying rent and once you''re married you''ll never have your own apartment again (which you seem to like) so I say enjoy it while you can. I wouldn''t worry too much about making "his" apartment into "your" (plural) apartment since you''ll be moving soon after anyway.

Moving creates sooo much stress and so will adjusting to living together (for most people at least, we actually had no problems). I think on top of planning a wedding it''s a lot to deal with. FI and I are moving to a larger place this weekend (omg we''re not even packed a little!) and I''m really really stressed out with everything added all together.

Don''t get me wrong, I''m so glad I moved in with FI, but our situations are a bit different. We lived in different states and I didn''t have my own place (had a roommate) and I much prefer living with FI (not that you won''t prefer living with your FI also).

 

[Mara]

just do the move. i loved my place which was all mine before greg moved in and i had remodeled it, made it mine and it was super cute and all me, but i had to give that up...we were getting married. the pros totally outweighed the cons and he was over at my house like 3/4 of the time anyway. we also wanted to be able to save what he was paying for rent (a fair amount!) and put it into our wedding fund.

we lived together for a year before marriage and it just made the transition easier. we also didn't really have any cohabitation fights then because we were so busy with the wedding and also because he considered it 'my place' still so he was really mellow about everything. the funniest part was that we had more problems with cohabitation a year after living together when we went and bought our new place together! after that he was like suddenly mr anal about stuff! i said what happened to my easygoing guy? he said well this is my place too so now i get a say. he always had a say before but i guess he felt like it was just not his place. sooo funny. of course we smoothed it all about, but that was pretty ironic.

we bought our house in jan of 04 and got married in may of 04 at a destination wedding no less. stressful? no way. it was a lot of FUN actually!! such an exciting time for us that first 1/2 of 2004. and so many of our memories are wrapped up in that year together, so it's double nice on memory lane. then again i function best when i have a 'project' going on so having 2 of them was awesome. also i didn't find wedding planning stressful, i guess i just don't get that stressed, but it was good for me to be able to know that we were 'settled' in together re: cohabitation and it was one less thing i had to worry about upon returning. we could just enjoy each other when we got home!

anyway i think that your pros and cons don't really matter much because they are mostly small things aka it makes the grocery shopping easier, so nothing earth shattering one way or the other, but my bottom line for you is you are getting married in a few months. you are going to have to make this leap either now or in 2 months or 4 months or whatever...just do it when it makes the most sense for you both and when it can be best planned (aka you said over holidays makes most sense, that will take some of the stress off right there) and then just go with it. and enjoy it. oh and the one thing you have listed that i do think is very valid is that it would make him really happy if you moved in.

to me that is the most important reason.

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

I''d keep your own place, if I were you. I think there is something so sweet about moving in together after the wedding...and something great about having your own retreat during these last months of your single life. No one to moan about all of the wedding favor samples spread out on the floor...all that jazz

No one is stopping you from spending 90% of your time there, but 10% of flexibility is pretty nice....

 

[sumbride]

I was going to say "what are you waiting for?" but then I thought about it some more. You guys essentially have two places for your use... maybe you could use one as your retreat and the other as your home? That''s probably too complicated though, so just move in.

When I met M, I had been living on my own for a while. I had hand-painted daisies on my bathroom wall! No way did I want to give that up! But in the end I realized that it was an important part of my life, but he was more important and I needed to just let go. When it was time to move, I was ready. I''m glad I did it before the stress of the wedding because it was stressful. Now, a year later, we''ve found our comfort level on chores, he''s learned to cook(!), and we''ve gotten used to each other''s habits. Of course, he looks at me, crazed bride that I am, and doesn''t quite know what to do with me right now, so it would be nice to have someplace else to go for a bit.

There''s a lot more to it than not having to divide the groceries and only having one cable bill. At the end of the day, you''ll be together, in the morning you''ll be together, when you need each other, you''ll be together... and when you want some space... you''ll still be together! That''s where you should think about it because it''s great to live together but having your own place is wonderful too and has a very limited life span. As soon as you''re married, that''s the end of "your own place" forever.

I''m not sure if I''ve made any sense here.

 

[MelissaSue]

There is not really any right or wrong answer here.. Its really up to you.. I mean on one hand, yeah its silly to be paying two sets of bills (cable, internet, electric.. whatever) and to keep two separate places when you spend most time together anyway.. but on the other hand, if you are more comfortable living apart before you get marreid.. there is really no harm in it.. To me, it really sounds like you''d rather hold off for a bit.. which is fine..
My husband and I both lived with our parents until our wedding day. I would have been open to moving in together sooner, but his mom would not hear of it (She wouldn''t even let him spend the night with me.. ever).... and we saved a lot of moeny both living at home too.. So I thought that us moving in together once we were married would be a HUGE difference. Here''s the weird part.. It wasn''t different at all. Or at least it didn''t seem that way.. Sure I had a lot more chores around the house.. but everything is exactly the same with us..

 

[codex57]

I''d stay separate for now. You''ll move in together eventually. I fail to see many "pros" to this. Wedding planning is going to be stressful enough for you. You can drag out a move for a few months, especially once the wedding gets closer and there''s more stuff to do. Start decorating his place anyways, but just pace yourself.

 

[firebirdgold]

I'd worry more about the 1 bedroom apartment aspect. You might feel a little too much on top of each other.

My fi and I just moved in together this weekend. It took so much longer to go from getting ready to live together to actually moving all of the important stuff than we ever expected. I have to admit that I was rather reluctant because I was so comfortable with how my house was set up. (He moved into my place and we re-tasked several rooms.) I was also worried about how things would be changed between us not to mention the changes I'd have to make in how I manage life. I became as enthusiastic as him once we actually got a good chunk of his stuff over and set up the new bedroom. I guess I needed some kind of critical mass.

Actually moving in together was super stressful. (note avatar) But now that we're (mostly) moved in we're so much more relaxed. Granted it's only been two days

but we're already acting different from when one of us would just stay over the night. There's an ease and an independance of action that wasn't there before. Hopefully it will continue to go smoothly.

Possibly something that made a difference is that we painted our new bedroom together in colors we picked together. It has helped the house go from feeling like mine to ours.

Summary: Moving in together is stressful, so doing it before the wedding can be a good thing. However being too crowded so there's no way to escape the other person's stressing could make the adjustment much harder. Planning a wedding is naturally a quite stressful thing so the combo might not be so great for the relationship.

 

[ephemery1]

I SOOO appreciate all these comments... exactly what I was looking for in terms of feedback... though I''m still undecided, so keep it coming!

I don''t anticipate moving in together to cause a HUGE change to our relationship, just because we live so close now and spend almost all free time together at one of our apartments... and it''s been that way for almost 4 years. So we''ve already got the cooking/cleaning/cat-care chores and annoying habits pretty much figured out. That said, I think the little things Waller pointed out, like wedding favor samples on the floor... and bigger things Sum highlighted, like having no freak-out-bride space of my own... are valid considerations for the next 7 months.

I''m also concerned about a reverse of Mara''s situation... I don''t want to move into FI''s apartment (which is technically his parents'' apt, which is even worse

) and have it feel like it''s not "my" space for the next year or two that we''ll be living there. And he knows about those concerns, has already cleared room for me on shelves and in dressers, and accepts that I''m not parting with my living room rug and bedspread (both of which I adore). He even offered Codex''s suggestion, that I start bringing some stuff over now so it feels more "mine". But still...

Mara''s right that these are almost all small, logistical details... so I don''t feel like I''m going to make a "bad" decision either way. And obviously I''m going to be there eventually! I guess it''s just a matter of whether I want to put it on my "to do" list for December or for May.... pre- or post- wedding. Hmmmmmm.....

 

[KimberlyH]

Hubby and I waited for a few reasons (none of which are based in religion)...and we''re both so glad we did. It was so fun to come home to our new house together for the first time post honeymoon. I think the post wedding blues were easier to deal with because we had new tasks at hand, namely setting up house.

Good luck making your decision.

 

[ellewoods]

Hello!

My fiance and I live together, but I only moved in with him a couple days before we got engaged. A large part of that has to do with the fact that we were long-distance for the last several years, living in different states.

Now that we''re both in the same place, it would be silly for us to have seperate apartments -- given that we''ve been together 7+ years, 1.5 of them in the same town (but lived with roommates and not each other), and then pretty much the rest of the time apart in our own apartments. There were short, temporary times we lived together, like summers, but this is the first time its really officially living together.

I would suggest that you stay in your apartment until you get married. Because its not a financial issue for you so much as a convenience issue, its not like you''d reap a giant benefit of your rent being split in half -- the only real financial benefit is consolidating the cable bill and perhaps some groceries.

My reason for feeling like you should stay put -- you don''t have very much longer until you''re married -- which is great! But that means a big change (or so I think) from being a independent adult woman to being part of an official, legally recognized team (husband + wife). There will be no time in your life again (hopefully!) that you will live by yourself. And living by yourself is really fun at times! Like you said, your apartment is decorated exactly how you want it, you don''t have to worry about hiding your cat now. And even if you spend most of the time at your apartment right now, and his seems somewhat unused -- you will definitely miss having your own apartment when its gone. Not that you don''t love your fiance, but it really is a big difference going from living in your own apartment alone, to sharing an apartment with your fiance, and not having your own seperate escape to go home to.

I am ecstatic that I get to wake up to my fiance every day, and see him when I get home at night -- after doing all of those things alone the last several years, only having them on our weekend visits. But I did learn to really appreciate living on my own (once I moved on from roommates!), and appreciate the solitude and time it gave me to really reflect on who I am as a person, my likes and dislikes, my habits, etc. So if there''s not a strongly pressing reason right now to move in together (like you''re having financial troubles and reducing rent would help), I''d wait.

I also agree with whomever said they like the idea of living apart until you get married, and then moving in together as husband and wife. I am not an old fashioned type of person at all, but I still like that idea. Of course, in this day and age its nearly impossible (2 adults being able to afford 2 seperate apartments and all other expenses, religion not being as big of a deal as it used to be, etc.), but I still like the idea behind it. Of course, in my own situation I am living with my fiance, and I really love it. I don''t secretly wish that we had seperate apartments, or that we waited to move in together until we were married. But if we both lived in apartments that we didn''t pay rent on -- I think we''d both be happy staying in seperate apartments until we were married.

 

[upgrading mama]

For myself, I didn''t want to live with my hubby before we were married. We were married young, I was 23, he 22 and were fresh out of college. We are Christians, and didn''t believe in living together before marriage, and besides when the wedding roles around, if you are already living together, nothing "changes".

I guess to me, the wedding signifies the beginning of your married life together and it shouldn''t start until then.

And if the family won''t be happy,then just stick it out a few more months and have sleepovers, like you have been. Why get people upset for nothing.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Date: 10/11/2006 10:11:12 PM
Author: Sophie
For myself, I didn''t want to live with my hubby before we were married. We were married young, I was 23, he 22 and were fresh out of college. We are Christians, and didn''t believe in living together before marriage, and besides when the wedding roles around, if you are already living together, nothing ''changes''.

I guess to me, the wedding signifies the beginning of your married life together and it shouldn''t start until then.

And if the family won''t be happy,then just stick it out a few more months and have sleepovers, like you have been. Why get people upset for nothing.

I''m with Sophie on this. FI and I won''t live together until we are officially married. For the same reason''s as sophie we are Christian and it goes against our beliefs. Everyone has their own reasons. I too think that waiting to live together until after you are officially man and wife adds a little something special to it all...but each to their own.

In your shoes I see both of the pro''s and con''s that you mentioned...ya''ll just need to deciede what''s best for you BOTH! But I do agree with whomever made the point about it being somewhat of a waste of time to move out of your decorated space that you love and decorate his *blank page* when ya''ll won''t be living there once you are married. Seems like more trouble than it''s worth.

Good luck!

 

[poptart]

You seem to enjoy having your own apartment to go back to if you choose, and since you are so close to your FI it is still easy for you to stay there. So if you don''t want to give it up before your married, then why not just keep it for the next little while? You can just spend 95% of the time at your Fi''s house. The only thing that I would also add is that I personally think it is easier to move in before the wedding. That''s what my DH and I did, and I think things went a lot smoother because we weren''t trying to get all the after wedding things done AND move me in at the same time. So from a stress factor, I think moving in before is a better idea. But if you like the way it''s working now, then why change it? After all, this is the last time when you will have an entire apartment just to yourself.

Marisa

 

[RoseAngel04]

Date: 10/11/2006 11:30:52 PM
Author: poptart
You seem to enjoy having your own apartment to go back to if you choose, and since you are so close to your FI it is still easy for you to stay there. So if you don''t want to give it up before your married, then why not just keep it for the next little while? You can just spend 95% of the time at your Fi''s house. The only thing that I would also add is that I personally think it is easier to move in before the wedding. That''s what my DH and I did, and I think things went a lot smoother because we weren''t trying to get all the after wedding things done AND move me in at the same time. So from a stress factor, I think moving in before is a better idea. But if you like the way it''s working now, then why change it? After all, this is the last time when you will have an entire apartment just to yourself.

Marisa

Just read poptart''s comment and wanted to reply. I will move all my *stuff* to FI''s apt or our new apt before the wedding so I won''t have to do the BIG transfer after the wedding. I just won''t sleep or live there until we wed.

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/11/2006 11:34:48 PM
Author: RoseAngel04

Date: 10/11/2006 11:30:52 PM
Author: poptart
You seem to enjoy having your own apartment to go back to if you choose, and since you are so close to your FI it is still easy for you to stay there. So if you don''t want to give it up before your married, then why not just keep it for the next little while? You can just spend 95% of the time at your Fi''s house. The only thing that I would also add is that I personally think it is easier to move in before the wedding. That''s what my DH and I did, and I think things went a lot smoother because we weren''t trying to get all the after wedding things done AND move me in at the same time. So from a stress factor, I think moving in before is a better idea. But if you like the way it''s working now, then why change it? After all, this is the last time when you will have an entire apartment just to yourself.

Marisa

Just read poptart''s comment and wanted to reply. I will move all my *stuff* to FI''s apt or our new apt before the wedding so I won''t have to do the BIG transfer after the wedding. I just won''t sleep or live there until we wed.

Gotcha. Well, it sounds like you really do love your apartment, so why give it up right now if you don''t have to? You have until August of next year till you get married, so you could always move in at the beginning of the summer, just as you said, which would give you some time to adjust to living together and enjoying it before the wedding, too. And since you said that his apartment is still a blank slate right now, maybe you could go shopping and buy stuff together that you both like and start making the place a haven for both of you... plus shopping for "house stuff" is always fun!

Marisa

 

[larussel03]

Since you really love your apartment, why not keep it as you gradually move into your FI''s place? That would help to ease into moving too b/c you wont have a HUGE stressful moving day if you''ve moved bits and pieces over here and there.

 

[Tybee]

I haven''t read all the responses (I''m a terrible skimmer) but just thought I''d throw in my 2 cents worth.
After the wonderful wedding and honeymoon I felt a little sad, I didn''t have anything to plan for.
My husband and I bought a house and moved into it a month before our wedding.
I''d recommend that you wait. Then you two can focus those planning energies towards moving and decorating energies.
Plus, if you love your apartment, keep it while you can! Doesn''t look like you are paying any big bills or anything.
Good luck whatever you decide. There''s so much excitement that comes from moving, I''d just wait and look forward to looking forward to something after the wedding.