Dating-what do you look for?

[lawmax]

So, I''m dating again after being in a relationship for 2 years. I love him and my kids love him, but he''s not in a place in his life to be ready for marriage and a family. I guess we''re finally coming to acceptance and I let it go on for too long.

I''m seeking your words of wisdom here! My rose colored glasses are coming off. Talk to me about what you looked for, the relationships that you realized couldn''t work and what you wish you''d recognized earlier, red flags, etc.

Thanks in advance,

lawmax

 

[Cehrabehra]

well, I liked cocky guys - guys with a lot of ego BUT also a lot of loyalty... not many of those! Married the first one I found!!! Just happened to luck out that he isn''t into sports. I don''t know if I''d love my life if it had multiple football games I had to accommodate weekly. If I were to look for another husband I would look for a guy not into sports LOL I would also make some changes and pick a guy who liked to cook, who liked to garden, and who like to give massages!! I *hate* to say it, but I also think I''d pick someone more from my socioeconomic background.. that''s awful to say but I''m afraid it''s true. Money was nevr an issue until we actually HAD it.

 

[anchor31]

J and I started seeing each other as friends and discovered we had many things in common, and many other things where we complete each other. And most importantly, we have the same values, priorities and goals for life. For example, I couldn''t spend my life with a man who would never marry, and he couldn''t spend his life with a woman who wouldn''t want children... And we understand each other on those aspects.

 

[galeteia]

Uh, I'm totally unqualified to answer what I 'looked for'.

I realize I've never 'looked' for someone!

The always seemed to crop up on the horizon when I was glorying in being single again.

But if you are asking about the 'standards' or 'qualities'... ? The men I am attracted are not blondes or redheads, and have notable intelligence. Sadly, the 'quality' I need most in a relationship is emotional intelligence, and we all know how rare that is in men.

And that was the red flag, time and time again. I completely lost interest in being in a relationship where issues were passed off as being a 'girl thing'. I came realize that most people, especially men, just aren't interested in digging into the baggage in a relationship and scrubbing down to the bare walls. I can't function in a relationship that has hidden issues lurking under the surface. It seems like most people are only interested in avoiding complete disasters, so as long as the White Elephant in the center of the room isn't sitting on someone, it doesn't exist as long as no one talks about it. I can't live that way. I needed someone who a) recognized the White Elephant, b) knew how it got there in the first place, and c) was willing to root it out and put it down!

Also, I gave up trying to find someone who had a compatible worldview. My opinions, are innumerable and strong, and the chances of me finding someone with compatible opinions, and values, was null. Luckily, FF found me, because I had accepted there just wasn't anyone out there that had everything I needed.


ETA: Not that there is anything wrong with blondes or redheads, I just think it's my genes telling me not to breed with my relatives.

(and ETA later for typos!)

 

[pyramid]

hmm well I love blondes but not redheads. I would agree with you wholeheartedly about the ''emotional intelligence'' and would add a must is communication.

 

[pearcrazy]

I always looked at the relationship a man had with his family as an indicator of what kind of potential family man he'd be. In my experience, the men who weren't particularly close to their parents weren't going to be stable husband and father material. My DH is really close to his mom and dad, he calls them almost daily (they live 1000 miles away-- thank goodness for unlimited long distance). When we were dating, he doted on his neice and nephew. I knew he loved children and they would be a priority in his life. I also looked at how he treated animals. I couldn't be with a man who hunted, (sorry to those of you married to hunters, I could just never be with one) and didn't want the responsibility of a pet-- that was an indicator of how responsible a father he'd be. When I caught my then boyfriend (and now DH) cuddling my cats I knew he was a keeper.

 

[kcoursolle]

I''m one of the few ladies out there who really likes "the good guy." I love a guy who is sweet, kind, and willing to work on our relationship. It sure helps if he''s cute too! I''m lucky to have found him.

Good luck on your search! What helped me is going to other places besides bars to find men to date. Finding them through friends, work, hobbies and activities, etc. often leads to more quality men than the bar.

 

[justjulia]

I was a new teacher when hubby and I met. I fell in love with him when I saw how tenderly he fed his cat packaged turkey...I coulldn''t afford packaged turkey at the time and, I thought, if he treats me 1/10th the way he treats his pet, that''s heaven to me. Also, we sat up all night and talked the first night we met. No showing off, no trying too hard, just natural talk. We were set up on a blind date by my brother. Neither of us was really looking. I''d come out of a recent relationship and was not remotely interested in another one any time soon. That is when I was truly ready. But, really, you both have to be truly ready. I think a sense of humor is also very very important. Other than that, I duuno. Sheer dumb luck and a whole lot of red wine for the tough times.

 

[lumpkin]

I dated a long time before I met my husband. I dated some men that were really exciting to me and often, ones who were definitely not marriage material but were a lot of fun, or fulfilled certain emotional needs but not enough of them. When I finally decided I wanted to get married and find someone I would spend my whole remaining life with I looked for someone who wanted to get married. If a man isn''t at the phase of his life where he wants to be married, it won''t work. Then I looked for stability -- someone who didn''t drink a lot, smoke or do any kind of illegal drugs and who had a stable job and a good work ethic. Then I looked for common interests and whether I thought I could go to bed with them every night and wake up with them every morning until one of us dies. I looked for common goals and someone who wanted basically the same life path I did.

It''s not the most romantic approach, but my experience is that desire and excitement fade over time. My hottest romances often fizzled the fastest. I ended up with someone I respect and love and can''t see being married to anyone else, even though I have been with men who were more advernturous, more take charge, more alpha male types.

IF (and this is a HUGE if) I had to be looking again, I would look for all the things I looked for before, PLUS common spiritual beliefs and more liking the same foods. Also someone who is tidier and more organized, LOL!

 

[lawmax]

Thanks for all your replies. I liked what you all had to say. One of our more brilliant members once posted what was important to her and it was an awesome post. I wish I could remember just who wrote it and where to find it! Does anyone remember?

I''m meeting all sorts of interesting men lately, but many are probably too old for me. I''m going to push myself to go out with a number of men and see what happens.

Thanks for your support. I feel for all the ladies who have ended long-term relationships that weren''t right, but that were loving and familiar. I know from experience not to settle for a relationship that isn''t right in the practical and impractical ways.

Love and hugs to all of you!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DH was the first "good guy" I had ever dated after a long line of "bad boys." I gotta say, I am also a fan of the good guys. I also think it is a good sign when they have a good, healthy relationship with their families. Obviously there are exceptions but I dated many guys who didn''t like or wasn''t close to their family for no real reason.

 

[perry]

How interesting.... Where were half of you most of my life?

Anyway, today I am meeting a gal for the first time that I "met" on an internet dating service. We have been exchanging simple emails for about a month. We would have met sooner but I have been working a power plant outaage - typically 12.5 hours a day for 6 days a week. That does not leave much time - or energy to do other things than survive.

Anyway, best luck in your search - and we will see how things go today with Valerie.

Perry

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m chiming in a bit late. I looked for someone who shared some common interests such as reading, being physically active and a love of music and the theatre. Then, on a deeper level, I looked for someone who was spiritual (not religious, but someone who believed in a higher being) and shared my values. He had to respect my need for independence and my relationship with my family, which is very close. He had to be kind to his own family; I didn''t expect that he would share the same relationship I do with mine, but he had to demonstrate affection for them in some way.

I met my husband and he was all of these things and then some. He is far more intelligent that I could have hoped for. He introduced me to traveling and we do so every chance we get. He shares my beliefs about God and religion. He cares for his 86 year old mother who has Alzheimer''s; in fact he''s cared for his elderly family members, all of whom have passed away except for his mother, since he was 18 (he actually quit college to do so and then returned at a later date to earn both a bachelor''s and master''s degree). He is kind and generous towards my family and doesn''t mind that I talk to my mom every day. I could go on and on about what a great man he is but the best thing about him is that I can just be me and he loves me because I am. There''s no adjusting my attitude, no need to watch what I say, he loves me for who I am, even when I''m moody!

Happy dating lawmax!

 

[justjulia]

I just wanted to add that I know two people personally that met their husbands through a .com company. I was skeptical at first, but hey, it seemed to work. Both are very happy. One is an episcopal priest and the other a single mother and teacher--both found their soul mates. Pretty amazing.

 

[lawmax]

Perry,

Let us know how it goes!

Thanks everyone. I loved what you had to say KimberlyH. I definitely agree with all of your criteria. Your husband sounds wonderful. We all need to be able to be loved for who we are.

I Love the Good Guy.

JustJulia, thanks for the success stories! It is quite easy to meet many people on .com dating services. It''s just finding the right one... I could have a date every night for weeks if I wanted to, but....I don''t want to and I don''t really feel like starting over. I guess I just feel sad for the moment. I miss my guy.

 

[galeteia]

I also met FF online. It is more common one would think. It makes a lot of sense.

I was curious to hear about the stories of other PSers who met their FI/DH online, so I started a thread asking about it. It''s no longer active (I can''t seem to reply) but you can find it here: How Many Couples Met Online?

We discussed all of the ways in which online discussions allow for a deepening of a relationship more quickly than ''regular'' relationships, and why. I''m so tempted to quote sections of it, because it''s something that has profoundly impacted my life, but I''ll resist.

Suffice to say that it''s so important to find someone who ''gets'' you, and that their love comes from that place of acknowledgment and acceptance of who you really are, deep down. Getting to that ''deep down'' is the hard part in most relationships, and can take precious years of your life, only for you to realize that it isn''t going to work. I know, I too have been there.

I had all sorts of other little specifics, like must love to cook, have a post-secondary degree, a chosen career he was passionate about, an interest in learning (if not knowledge) of other languages, like dancing (even if it''s only in our home), like dogs, and have a similar sense of humour. He also must be able to tell the difference between a true dill pickle and the kosher pickles that restaurants like to serve and claim are ''dill pickles''.

But that''s just me.

ETA: Of course, I wanted him to be kind, loyal, considerate, etc, etc, but I think most people want those things, so I figured that went without saying.

 

[zhuzhu]

I also want to add that don't let some stereotypical ideology restrics who you date (age, field of work....etc). Exploring all possibilities in men in part of the fun and soul mate search!

 

[Cehrabehra]

If I were single again, I would absolutely look online... cut through so much bs that way!! Total opposite of how I met my current husband when I was 5 and he was 3 LOL! I did meet one of my two best friends online though - about 6 1/2 years ago... we''ve been really close for about 4-5 of those years... she lives over 2000 miles away but I''ve been to her house and she''s been to mine... in fact she and her two kids stayed here for almost a month once. I love her to death and she kinda picked ME out... she''s fairly reserved and quiet online and I''m, obviously, not... she liked my personality and long convoluted philosophical posts about whatever and pursued me. I know that''s not a love connection, but in a way it kinda is... she and I have so much in common and our differences amuse us. We hate that we live so far apart and it''s actually part of the plan to get her family moved out west eventually. Over the years I''ve also met many other people I''d originally met online... my husband helped one friend''s husband get a job where he works and they moved here to oregon from virginia after he got it! That was at least 5 years ago... I figure you''re more likely to have a creep spy in you in the grocery store parking lot than online... danger lurks everywhere, but I would *definitely* seek online for a mate if I were single.

"Lazy idealistic dreamer seeks hardworking realistic doer" hahaha woah, technically that''s what I married!!! I didn''t realize that when I typed it but it''s true - he just doesn''t like to tinker in the garden or cook with me waaaaaaaaaah!!!!

 

[firebirdgold]

Good Luck Perry!! Let us know how it goes, we''re rooting for you!!

I had pretty narrow criteria:
1) Genius preferably in either Math, physics, or computer science. (got all three).
2) Well-rounded and talented in other areas, and not an idiot in other facets of life. (check!!)
3) Not screwed up. (check)
4) Good sense of humor (check)
5) Loves me the way I am... (almost nailed that. likes my temper, dislikes my life-managing skills which any sane person would)
6) Parents still together (check)
7) Good close relationship with family (check)
Loves pets (adores his cats, says he dislikes dogs but now talks baby-talk to my dog and kisses him goodnight!)
9) Has opinions on things (mega-check)
10) Strong-willed. (kinda over-did it on that one..

)
11) Someone I respect and trust as much as or more than my father, which is a really tall order. (totally scored on that one!)


Bonus points that I never thought I''d get with the above package:
1) tall
2) dark hair
3) not too pale
4) Green eyes
5) Strong nose with character
6) Handsome
7) Great hands
An expressive mouth with lips that are not too full or too thin.
Can you believe my fi hits all the points!

He''s even gets extra credit for being raised in two of my mother''s acceptable religions: catholic, anglican (misguided catholics), quaker (my dad''s quaker so she had to add it), and jewish (buddhism probably would have past muster too). my mother''s a bit odd.

So basically - make an ambitious list of all the qualities you want in a guy even if it sounds totally impossible to fill... cause you just might find a guy who does!

Oh, and I did the internet dating thing for a while. In fact my fi met my best friend through match.com and they became friends and she introduced him. (Love at first sight for me... sooo flustered).

When internet dating there are a few non-negotiable rules to follow:
* Always meet for first date over coffee or lunch in broad daylight in populated area.
* Always have some good excuse to limit it to an hour or two.
* Always tell a friend where and who, and set a time to check in with her.
* Follow-up dates should also be limited to public areas in either daylight or early evening. Hiking, lunch concerts, and such are good ideas.
*Never ever touch alcohol during the first few dates!

*Wait several weeks before sleeping with the guy -valid for all dating. I''ve had too many friends sleep with the guy too early on and then wonder why none of the guys last more than a month (or a couple of weeks). Don''t know why that happens, but it does!

If you think I''m nuts with the above rules, there was an article recently about a guy who used match.com for years to find rape victims and dosed them with ghb. And now they''re saying it''s almost impossible to prove that it was rape, and even if they had gone to the hospital it leaves the system too fast, and the guys'' lawyer is saying that they''re just disgruntled over being dumped!

Plus a rigorous buddy-system at parties has saved at least one friend even though the drinks were never left alone! Very very scary!

 

[decodelighted]

I''m a Match.com Bride (HA!) but I also had one previous long term b-fried through Match, NO LUCK with Eharmony, and one mentor who talked me into doing Match, who later met her own husband through them (med school DEAN!) two states away.

Frustrated with dating in NYC .. and dating carbon copies of myself (neurotic show-biz types) ... I once conducted a "date people you''d NEVER date" experiment. It was pretty eye opening & fun! I dated

-- a guitar store salesman who wrote for a instrument-themed magazine part time
-- a pro Sax player that looked *exactly* like Tommy Lee

-- a male LIBRARIAN with thick body hair & who smelled like grandma''s house because of no A/C & a plethora of cats. (not to mention a giagantic ___. don''t ask me how I found out. it was quite a non-voluntary suprise to me that I did.

)
-- an architect who got very upset when I left a rose he''d given me behind on a park bench.

This tactic did not directly lead to my now husband ... but I will say that loosening up what I thought were my "critera" did (and, well, moving OUT of the city too)

.

 

[poptart]

The one thing I realized when dating my now husband was how calm I felt when I was with him. I''m sorta hyperactive and a worry wart, but when I''m with him I''m totally and completely calm. We are opposite in a lot of ways, so we complement each other. I like that he is interested in some of the same things I am, but also in a LOT of different things. It has really expanded my horizons as well as his because we are continually learning new things about each other and everything else. Good luck on your search!

Marisa

 

[lawmax]

You are all so sweet to chime in here and with such great words of wisdom and stories. I will reread the online dating thread. I am getting a lot of attention online...totally overwhelmed. I met my last boyfriend online through a dating site and the one before from an online forum. I seem to have a pattern of dating sweet, spiritual, kind men who have everything I love except the ability to support/help support a family/be ready for marriage. I''m examining that pattern for sure and pushing myself to date men who are financially stable/ready for marriage and also have the nurturing characteristics I love. Do they come together in one package? I happen to have the body most men are looking for, but I don''t like their emphasis on that. People change and gravity affects men too! lol It''s a funny thing about online dating, but the truth is really out there. Man seeking perfectly fit and toned woman...

I am re-writing my list of desired/required traits.


Love and more hugs,

lawmax

 

[lawmax]

ok, I reread that thread. This, and I''m quoting Mustangfan, is one of the funniest lines I''ve ever heard:

"...and you can''t build a castle out of chicken shit." ROFL

 

[onedrop]

I have really enjoyed reading what everyone has written. Lawmax: good luck out there in the dating pool. It can be daunting, but have fun with it!! You mentioned a list of qualities/character traits that you prefer. I did this some time ago myself and had put the list away thinking I''d NEVER get close to meeting someone that possessed all that I listed. However, I met my now BF and he comes very close. As I go down the list now I see that he is right there with most everything. I have just accepted the fact that no person will have it all because I don''t have it all myself. But overall I just wanted someone that I can communicate with, share goals and values with, and grow with.

 

[galeteia]

Great post, Indie! I second your advice, especially about how to meet and especially making that list of impossible qualities. It's like that signature someone has about 'it's only a deal if you are getting exactly what you want'; same thing with an online guy.

(I thought your guy looked blond in his PhD graduation pic, Indie?)

Your post reminded me of all the 'checks' I created to insure that there wouldn't ever be a guy who matched everything. It reminded me of the movie 'Practical Magic' where one character makes an impossible list like that to protect herself from ever falling in love.

A few more were: Must know, love, and use the Oxford Comma. Must know of and like: Peter Gabriel's 'Passion' album, Sigur Ros, and Massive Attack. ('Passion' was in his car, and he'd just bought Sigur Ros tickets when we talked.) Must have a strong sense of both hilarity and sarcasm. Must be into trying new things (like foods) just because they are new! Must love sushi. Must be good in bed (sorry if that's TMI), with no unhealthy ideas about what women 'should' look like. Must not insist that I shave, legs or otherwise. (I do anyway, but he can't demand that I do.) Must be okay with the idea that women have bodily functions too. Must be able to weather PMS. Must be tolerant towards religions, races, and homosexuals. Must be a liberal, and believe in women's right to choose. (I got THAT in spades-- every time something on that comes up, he gets more fired up than I do!

) Must be able to sleep while cuddled up. Must have an appreciation of alternative health. Must have dark hair, if not of mixed blood. (Part Cherokee somewhere, and does it show, woot!) Must have a 'pointy face' with strong features. Must agree that graphic novels are not 'just comic books'. Must like Dune and Ender's Game. Must love tea. Must be willing to give footrubs!

Must be adored by my housemate, best friend, and mother. (You wanna talk about tall orders? Not only did my best friend approve, he threatened to 'turn gay and try to steal' him

)

Must make me feel calm and mellow when I'm with him. Must make me fall in love. He was the first to succeed in that, too.

Lawmax, can you elaborate on what you mean by 'spiritual' men? I've found that some philosophical outlooks can be in contention with interest in marriage.

 

[lawmax]

I love your list!

By spiritual, I''m generally meaning that someone has some version of a desire to connect with source within himself in one way or another and support me in that area. It''s my feeling that it''s very important to relationship that we each be as self-aware and conscious as possible and work on ourselves in that way, owning our "stuff" and accepting that we all have "stuff". Does that make sense? Many if not most people walk around completely unconscious and just react without looking at why they do so and without the ability to see/help their partner see why he/she is acting in certain ways. I think it helps to have some measure of understanding that Love is the highest vibrating energy and is the energy of source itself.

 

[Julian]

Well, I would first and foremost look for someone you can call your best friend. The one who "gets" you. Is he the one you want to call when something funny happens? Ditto when you need a hug or advice? Can you trust him with your life, your secrets, greatest hopes and your deepest fears? Do you LIKE him as a person, aside from LOVING him?

I would look for someone like this!

It's interesting that you ask, because I am reading a book called _The Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Married." About 1,000 divorce lawyers were surveyed across the U.S. and they said they actually viewed marriage more positively and as something incredible after all the divorces they handled. They saw so many marriages break up over trivial things, or over issues that could have been easily prevented.

The top reasons listed were sex, money, communication, unrealistic expectations, kids or spouses from previous marriages putting a strain on the relationship, religion & growing apart. But it all boiled down to lack of communication. Over time it was too hard to break through all the resentments, misunderstandings and fizzled romance. Very interesting book. It really makes you see marriage as something very rich that can greatly enhance your life... if properly taken care of. But like a houseplant, it can die from neglect, too.

So I would look for similarity as well. Opposites attract, but common backgrounds, religion & etc. have an easier time staying together. Understanding is key. If two people love each other and aren't lazy, they can really make it work!

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/5/2006 7:24:18 PM
Author: Julian
Well, I would first and foremost look for someone you can call your best friend. The one who ''gets'' you. Is he the one you want to call when something funny happens? Ditto when you need a hug or advice? Can you trust him with your life, your secrets, greatest hopes and your deepest fears? Do you LIKE him as a person, aside from LOVING him?

I would look for someone like this!

It''s interesting that you ask, because I am reading a book called _The Divorce Lawyer''s Guide to Staying Married.'' About 1,000 divorce lawyers were surveyed across the U.S. and they said they actually viewed marriage more positively and as something incredible after all the divorces they handled. They saw so many marriages break up over trivial things, or over issues that could have been easily prevented.

The top reasons listed were sex, money, communication, unrealistic expectations, kids or spouses from previous marriages putting a strain on the relationship, religion & growing apart. But it all boiled down to lack of communication. Over time it was too hard to break through all the resentments, misunderstandings and fizzled romance. Very interesting book. It really makes you see marriage as something very rich that can greatly enhance your life... if properly taken care of. But like a houseplant, it can die from neglect, too.

So I would look for similarity as well. Opposites attract, but common backgrounds, religion & etc. have an easier time staying together. Understanding is key. If two people love each other and aren''t lazy, they can really make it work!

Ditto to everything you said.

Marisa

 

[Julian]

Wow, thanks poptart!

I''m only good at giving advice, though! Now, if only I were as good at following the advice...that would really be something!

 

[lawmax]

Date: 11/5/2006 7:24:18 PM
Author: Julian
Well, I would first and foremost look for someone you can call your best friend. The one who ''gets'' you. Is he the one you want to call when something funny happens? Ditto when you need a hug or advice? Can you trust him with your life, your secrets, greatest hopes and your deepest fears? Do you LIKE him as a person, aside from LOVING him?

I would look for someone like this!

It''s interesting that you ask, because I am reading a book called _The Divorce Lawyer''s Guide to Staying Married.'' About 1,000 divorce lawyers were surveyed across the U.S. and they said they actually viewed marriage more positively and as something incredible after all the divorces they handled. They saw so many marriages break up over trivial things, or over issues that could have been easily prevented.

The top reasons listed were sex, money, communication, unrealistic expectations, kids or spouses from previous marriages putting a strain on the relationship, religion & growing apart. But it all boiled down to lack of communication. Over time it was too hard to break through all the resentments, misunderstandings and fizzled romance. Very interesting book. It really makes you see marriage as something very rich that can greatly enhance your life... if properly taken care of. But like a houseplant, it can die from neglect, too.

So I would look for similarity as well. Opposites attract, but common backgrounds, religion & etc. have an easier time staying together. Understanding is key. If two people love each other and aren''t lazy, they can really make it work!

wonderful advice in that first paragraph! I can''t imagine it being any other way!