cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now tru

[should i be here]

hi all,

introducing the most reluctant LIW ever. Me! To explain...

I never grew up imagining a dream wedding. Now, when I know how much these things cost, I'm even more . Of course I always imagined myself married, with children, etc. but never dwelled much on the wedding itself.

Not only that, but I get a bit worried when girls are so eager to be engaged or married - I can't help but think they're getting ahead of themselves and are throwing themselves at someone (or something) that might not be ideal but they're too blinded by "omg, a wedding!!!! my princess party!" There are a few of these girls among my friends, and I'm just concerned for them JUST IN CASE. I hope no one is offended by this, I'm not trying to make any sweeping claims that early marriage is bad, but I guess I'm just a bit more wary. A worrywart, if you want to call me.

Given this, I might have gone to the other extreme entirely and have been too wary of marrying my bf, even though I think he is the one for me to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I won't admit to myself that, yes, I do want to marry him eventually and IT'S ABOUT ^&#@ING TIME.

About me: 26, living and working in NYC, been with the bf for 4.5 years now, he's turning 32 this week and is more than financially stable (read: works at what would be considered a very high-paying finance job... though I don't know the specifics of his pay, etc.). So no reason to wait for financial reasons, age reasons, parent reasons, etc.

So of course the teasing of "when are you getting married?" started about 2.5 years ago. Since then, tons of my friends have gotten engaged and married (but note that they're at least a year older than me, and some have been with their men for longer), which got me thinking about this whole thing seriously. And who doesn't like diamonds? Of course I started looking at diamonds online when my friends started getting engaged, and that's what led me here.

So the more I get into this whole business, the more "in waiting" I get in spite of myself. I guess I just have to say it: I'm now looking forward to being engaged! Aaaaah, even saying that is weird, like I'm being foolish after resisting it for so long. In fact, whenever anyone asked, I kept saying that I was in no rush, too young, blah blah, but I think now I want it!

Anyway. Of course I want to be with him, and we've been great together so far, so I don't know exactly what being married or engaged would change, relationship-wise. So the most exciting part of it for me is the ring!! And being as researchy as me, I'm practically picking out stones that check out in terms of Pricescope research, price, etc. BEFORE he's even asked me anything! Kinda sick, I know.

But I'm very frugal (as is he) and concerned with getting the best bang for the buck. Don't mix "frugal" with "cheap" - I want a certain size diamond, but I want the absolute best value I can find. So there are a few diamonds out there that i've picked out that I'd RUN to go check out as soon as he proposes.

Thus, I've started posting on Pricescope. I want the expert feedback on the stones I have in mind, AND I can vent on this LIW forum. Nevermind the venting, I'm practically just coming out of the closet to you guys!

Wow, this is really long. Anyone that can relate?

 

[kateydid05]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

I can definitely relate. I was never the type to be overly excited about getting engaged or married. Lately with a bunch of people getting engaged/married and also bugging me and my boyfriend about when we will, I am starting to look forward to it, within reason. Sometimes I am not sure what I am excited about. Nothing will really change for my relationship and I'm not looking forward to a wedding. When I do get married, I will probably do a destination on a beach somewhere with a nice dinner afterward (no traditional reception). I am 25 and we have been together for over 6 years so it's progressing in that direction. My boyfriend has some debts he would like to pay off before throwing down some money on a ring. Things are falling into place and I think it may happen sometime this year. He wants to surprise me so I have no idea of any kind of time line. In the meantime I may show him a ring or two because that is a decision I would like to have input on, haha.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about where things are headed?

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Whew, glad someone can relate!!!

To summarize VERY briefly, yes, we know where things are headed (even more so recently). Further, It's like now we talk about everything (good school districts to move to for kids, changing last names, etc.) beyond marriage but I'm still a little nervous talking about engagement and wedding since it's not like anything has happened yet. He DOES know not to pick out a ring though.

He's even asked if I can help him talk to my parents about my "future." Haha, though I told him to figure it out himself.

So since everything else is all good and I don't foresee anything changing relationship-wise, i just feel like I'm waiting for (the chance to pick out) a ring. Does that make sense? There's nothing left to fall into place, really. It's more a matter of him proposing whenever he feels like it now, since it should be clear to him that yes, I'm ready now.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

I can relate a bit, but for different reasons. Like you, I never dreamed about a wedding. I saw myself as in a long-term relationship, which I guess I assumed would be marriage, but never saw myself in a dress or as a wife (and certainly not as a mother, which I'm still adamant about). I'll be 25 soon, and I thought for sure I'd be settled down with "the one" by now. I had a few serious relationships, lived with one partner for about three years, but they all ended so I don't have any story of "I've been with my SO since we were 16 so it's been 9 years now and it's about time!" I've been with current SO for almost 2 years now, most of which we've been living together, and we're happy and committed. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and he feels the same about me.

But, I've told him I feel very strongly about not legally marrying. I want us to have a "ceremony" of sorts (very non-wedding-y, like I would never wear a princess gown), where our families can come together and meet each other (my parents and brother have met his parents and sister, but our extended families are all spread out geographically) and where we can exchange vows and rings as symbols of our commitments (Hello Michael B. Petit Lace!). But I don't want the arrangement to be legal because we simply do not need the benefits of marriage (tax stuff, etc.) in exchange for what I see as oppressive arrangements (to women, to gays and lesbians, to citizens whose government really should have little to do with knowing the state of our intimate arrangements). Thankfully, SO agrees, and though he sees benefits to legal marriage, he believes in my points so we've compromised by saying we'd only have the ceremony, we'd draw up the important contracts (e.g. make it so that we can be in charge of each other's medical stuff), and legally marry if we ever actually NEEDED to (e.g. not that I want kids, but if we were ever adopting and they would only give the child to a legally married couple).

So given my stance of "we already live together and things are good and we are committed and we don't need legal marriage," I hadn't expected myself to feel occasional pangs of longing for a true wedding. They don't come often, but the first one was after my best friend's wedding this summer, and there have been a couple more at times like when my mom calls to tell me that she ran into 948574 of my old high school friends and they are all engaged or married. Sometimes I think "Maybe there is something to inviting a whole bunch of people and having someone officiate and people giving toasts and dancing all night." At those times, I don't really talk to anyone about it, because I know the pangs are temporary and those who are closest to me (who are sort of anti-intellectual) wouldn't help me process or understand but would rather give me a bunch of junk about "then just do it!" without consideration of what I see as the political consequences. It also just bothers me to have those thoughts because I know they run counter to my ideology and I don't really know what to do with them, so I suppress. I usually wake up the next morning thinking "I am fine, my life is fine, this is a life I choose."

So when I joined LIW, it was also sort of like, "I don't really know how to admit to myself or anyone else that sometimes I think about rings or (more casual, non-white) dresses or whether we should just do a big wedding, even though I only feel that way 1% of the time." That's why I don't post often (except in Bridal Bootcamp or to support others)--because I don't experience many flare-ups of LIWitis. (I should also note that, as two grad students, we are too poor right now to have any type of ceremony, so real decisions don't need to be made for a while.) I look forward to the day when SO and I can have some type of ceremony, and most days I am 100% okay with our decision, but for the days when I just want a big fat wedding, LIW is here, and I can either talk about it or fantasize through other women's conversations and get it out of my system. And honestly, watching so many women go through their relationships and make decisions about their lives continues to inform my decision, as I've learned to not be so rigid and to accept that there can be beautiful things about engagement and marriage, hopefully with the aim of freeing myself to make that decision someday should I ever want it. There's no right or wrong answer, and thankfully I've seen this community be supportive of giant princess weddings or simple beach elopements or same-sex ceremonies. So welcome and I hope you get exactly what you want out of LIW, whatever it is or turns into.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

And don't worry about parts of your posts offending anyone, it happens on PS all the time lol.


Congratulations on becoming excited to get engaged! It may seem silly to be congratulating you on something "silly" like that, but it's something you do (hopefully) once and with a man that you LOVE and it's a special moment in every woman's life! So, you may not have been focused on it before, or even that thrilled or excited about it before, but that no longer matters because your excited about it now!
Have fun with it, enjoy it, look at rings and think about how the man that you love loves you right back and wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU! It's a wonderful time so don't feel "silly" for being excited now.

Welcome to the LIW! I hope your stay is short!

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Unlucky Twin, I think I love you.

I'm all for doing what you believe in. More power to you. It's so refreshing to see different opinions when it comes to weddings, etc. - things that cause otherwise normal girls to act like hysterical were-women.

Vintagelover, you hit the nail on the head! Wow you girls are so smart.

Dammit, I want a diamond now!

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

I should add: Have you ever been to OffBeatBride's website? It's a great place to be excited about marriage and weddings while staying true to who you really are (whoever you are).

 

[SweetPea-<3]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Welcome! Feels good to come clean, right? A couple of random thoughts.

I'm a NYC girl myself. And the whole relationship scene is different in here, as you know. All the couples I know didn't even think about getting married until their 30s because every one was/is so focused on their careers and/or grad school. When I hear about some friend/colleague talking about marriage in her early 20s, it seems totally foreign to me.

A word about money. At some point, you're going to need to know the specifics around his financial position as it relates to your future together. Comfortable is great, and I'm glad you feel like you can talk about everything else (school districts, last names, etc.). So, why can't you talk about each other's salary, bonus, savings, etc.? (More of a rhetorical question, I don't mean to pry)

The ring. I don't think it's sick at all to educate yourself before he asks. How else are you going to be ready? Sounds like things are moving along nicely (you're ready, he's asking about your parents, etc.), so looking now is totally appropriate. What shapes/settings have you picked out?

Finally, check out bklnbrideonline.com as well for a world free of "pink flowers and poofy dresses" (their expression, not mine).

 

[AdanaEsq]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Welcome!

I definitely don't think you're being silly. Have you considered doing your research and then sending the info on your likes/dislikes to your SO? I've been on here researching for a few months and after our last visit to Tiffany, I know exactly what type of setting I want and I keep urging him not to buy the Tiffany ring b/c of the markup. I'd rather a bigger stone for less $ any day. lol So I ended up sending him an email broken down between diamond and setting. I have links to the type of diamond I want and the particular PS vendors that source them (antique cushion/AVC) what size range I'd like, color and clarity preferences (i.e. I want something with a very good or excellent cut at least, SI1 eye clean or VS2 and any color that faces up white. Then in the setting section, I have a vendor that has the setting I want, the price I was quoted for it and then a few other vendors who also do custom work in case he wants to have it done here in NYC (he tends to be more hands on while I do a lot of shopping online). You could try something like that once you narrow down exactly what you want.

I sent my email to my SO yesterday and he said it was very clear and he wasn't offended and didn't feel like I was being pushy. I know a lot more about this stuff than he does (I've been on the site off and on for over 5 years but scrapped my old sn since I was married and researched that e-ring under the old name). Now I just wait I guess. lol

 

[4ever]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Finally, check out bklynbrideonline.com as well for a world free of "pink flowers and poofy dresses" (their expression, not mine).

This website's pretty good! I like Off Beat bridetoo, most wedding websites and magazines just piss me off, I read one page and feel like an entire industry and all societies expectation are trying to squeeze me into a box and then steal all my money.

Anyway, It's nice to know there are other LIW that are not really into the fluffy wedding stuff. I never dreamed about getting married, never really gave it any thought untill BF brang it up. Even now I'm a LIW I'm not dreaming of a floofy dress, I'm thinking "Man our wedding is gonna be so cool, the foods gonna be so yum!" My priorities is a nice location, kick ass food and the ring.

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

wow lots of NYC girls here!! Where in the city do you live? NY is sooo different in terms of the dating scene, it's good to have people who understand!

I even think 26 is on the young side to be engaged, but then i come here and there are all these 21 year olds dying to be engaged. But there's nothing that needs to get out of the way, so to speak, before marriage for us. I'm working a normal job. He's working. Neither of us are in school, have any debt, etc.

Ooo, I love the Offbeat Bride site, very cool. The only other website I knew of was Indiebride, which is actually pretty useful if you're looking for vendors in NYC, etc. Frankly, the amount of $$$ that goes into a NYC wedding (even a no-frills one!) is just staggering. So staggering that the thought of a wedding just makes me anxious.

On the topic of money, it's true I don't know his particulars. He works at a small hedge fund and he says the yearly take can change drastically based on bonus. I guess in some part, I'm a little reluctant to know how much he makes. And he's even asked what use or good would come from knowing exactly? We're used to a totally "normal" not-high-class-AT-ALL way of life and we are both really frugal, so I'm afraid if I find out he makes a TON of money, I'll be like, "well then why are we not living more in-line with your pay?" etc. All the same, I'm assuming he makes a comfortable amount because of his job. I just don't know whether it's "comfortable" or in the "RICH" range. Does that make sense? Of course when we're married, I'd expect to know every last detail.

Haha, about the ring. I'm not even content with giving him a list of specs. Given my knowledge of the subject, I think I jsut have to be there and literally handpick the stone. Of course I'd love a D, IF stone, but if there's a greaaaat G, SI1 deal to be had, I'd go for it. At the moment, there is one stone in particular I have my eye on, due to the specs and price. Yeah. That's how crazy I am.

And the setting? I like the MWM Torchiere and the Vatche Swan. I'd lean towards the Torchiere BUT I'd customize a tiny bit. Haha, really, in terms of picking something like this out for me, HE CANNOT WIN. I've pretty much made it clear to him that not only would I be happy with a ringless proposal, it might be a better idea.

And this might be the funniest part. As anti-big-wedding, anti-engagement, anti-blah blah as I seem, I'm looking for around a 3ct diamond. I even realize diamonds are a total scam, etc. but if I'm gonna get one, it might as well be a good one! The reason for the size primarily is that I have size 6+ fingers

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

and this might be the best indication to my whole mindset/naivety around this:

Until recently, I always thought that proposals were supposed to be a COMPLETE surprise. I thought the guy would go out, buy a ring that he thought the girl would like, propose with it, and then the happy couple would go back to the store, return the ring and get something the girl liked, if she wanted something different. I guess you can't return diamond rings huh?

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

wow I checked brklynbride and stumbled across some more budget wedding websites and proceeded to spend over an hour looking at them! these sites are great, i'm getting really excited for the challenge!

 

[AdanaEsq]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

I live in Brooklyn but I work all over. I definitely hate the NYC prices re weddings. Definitely want to avoid those myself. Lol at the 3 carat diamond. I wear a size 6 and anything from 1-2 carats is fine with me, I'm going for a double halo pave setting so that looks like enough finger coverage for me. A lot of people get married older in NYC so 21 seems young to me but I have friends in different states where that is the norm.

 

[SweetPea-<3]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

I live in Midtown Manhattan now, although I'm more of a West Village girl at heart. Maybe one day, when I'm rich/famous, I'll be able to afford a brownstone next to SJP with a tiny garden out back....sorry, just day dreaming for a sec.

Ditto to everyone on the exorbitant cost of NYC weddings. Makes me want to elope. But I know I won't.

Also, I promised I wouldn't pry, but I just wanted to offer one last piece of advice on the subject of finances. Playing devil's advocate to the question "what use or good could come from knowing exactly", I would say that it enables you to know if you're on the same page with him regarding spending vs. saving, investment goals and timelines, and how you would handle finances differently if/when you have children. To me, those are important attitudes and values that I would want to know about before I got married to someone. Like you said, maybe he believes that you should just keep on living the same way you do today even if he makes $2MM a year. Just some food for thought.

I love how specific you were with your diamond preferences. 3 ct sounds great to me! Can't wait to hear how your story and search unfolds. Cheers!

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Yay for NYC girls!

I was born and raised in the East Village, currenly living in Murray Hill (blech) with the bf. I work downtown at a "normal" job in financial services (SERVICES, not finance, so not wealthy ). Out lease is up in March and I'd love to move to the Union Sq./East Village area but everything's either tiny or ridiculously expensive there. Yikes, now I'm super paranoid that he'll find this site and see my postings.....

As for attitude towards money, spending, you really couldn't have gotten two more frugal people together haha. Even our parents tease us for being so tight with money. Basically, we're saving for the future, we just don't spend that much money without a lot of thought. Of course if it came down to buying something important, like an apt, it's not like we would want to get the cheapest deal we can - some things are worth the money, and we'll gladly pay up for what we really want (cough, see my diamond preference). We've even said how we know each other well with money, etc. But yes, I do think that's a HUGE thing to know before you get married. I think money is the top reason for fights/divorces?

Sigh, I just think I'm antsy because I think I'd enjoy the process of selecting a ring, and eventually picking out invites, wedding food, etc. Laaaaaame, I know

 

[suchende]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Just another perspective... If I were him, I'd feel really weird that the super-frugal girl I was with had decided she needed a 3 carat rock. It might seem sort of out of left field. Also, I know a lot of people in finance recently went from a high-roller lifestyle to something a bit more down-to-earth (or unemployment), maybe he's self-conscious about it and that's why he doesn't want to say.

 

[should i be here]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

suchende, I know what you mean, sounds totally at odds huh? I mean in the sense that I don't spend money on things I consider low-priority (that may be higher priority to others) but on important-to-me things, I'll get the best I can afford. And a ring is important to me

sooo.... the bf must have asked my dad while he was over last weekend, because when i was leaving the house yesterday, my dad asked if the bf had "said anything." I was like, uh, no, but I knew what he was talking about. I didn't want him to go any further so I just played dumb. Then my dad goes, "something about proposing?" and i wanted to die. I always wanted proposals to be a complete surprise, but that is kinda lost on family members who are not as familiar with Western/American marriage/engagement traditions. Sigh oh well. haha.

Now that I know it's not too far away, I'm getting nervous and anxious. My single days are numbered!

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: cringing at thought of being a LIW, but last part is now

Exciting that at least you know that step is done!

I'm also kind of worried that someone will "spill the beans" -- I mean it isn't like this is going to be a complete secret, but now that we have gone shopping and I handed over my file of stuff that I liked I sort of told my BF that I didn't want to be involved with the details anymore unless he was really unsure about something. If either of my parents ever said anything about him proposing I am SURE my patience for being an LIW would evaporate SOOOO quickly!!