Conundrum..not Corundum

[lilmosun]

When having lunch with a former co-worker who had just returned from India, I admired his new ring and commented "next time you go to India, maybe I'll give you money to have something made". Fast forward, he left his job and joined me at my new company this week.

Now the conundrum....for Christmas he gives me a copy of his ring! I told him I can't accept such a generous gift without paying for it ...but he won't discuss it saying his family considers me extended family and his wife had bought me a set of pearls on the trip but when he saw I loved the ring asked his father to have another made. And while I l know it comes without strings, ethically I can't accept a gift like this.

Since he had it custom made for me, I'm not sure how to get out of this other than to get him to accept some form a of payment. Any other ideas? And if not, how much? The Here are the pictures. Assume stone is glass and base on the gold value?
Anyone familiar with jewelry made in India?

Any suggestions welcomed.

 

[Burmesedaze]

Not sure what the stone is, whether glass or tourmaline.

Perhaps you may wish to gift him and his wife something in return? For the household?

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I love the ring. I understand why you admired his so much. He was probably, along with his wife thrilled that he could please you so much by giving you this gift. I abhor this tit for tat in gift giving. It was a lovely gesture on his part. I would accept it and know that some people in this world are so nice and try to please us without wanting or expecting anything in return. Say thank-you to he and his lovely wife. Enjoy your ring. Try a new behavior.
Merry Christmas
Annette

 

[Bron357]

The easiest way to calculate an estimate value is weigh it, it’s 22 carat gold, and use the current gold price. It looks substantial, maybe 15 grams gold - maybe $600.
In many cultures gift giving is a sign of respect and should be accepted with good grace to acknowledge the intention of the giver.
A suitable thank you gift would be a box of handmade chocolates (ie fancy ones) and a bouquet of flowers (no white flowers) wrap your gifts in green paper as that is considered lucky.
You don’t need to match the “value” just express your thanks.
And you must wear it often, the gift giver will be very happy to see you enjoying it.

 

[SouthernGent]

Yes, just express your sincere thanks. Sit down and write him a hand-written letter thanking him for his generosity, then never again mention paying him for it.
I've been on his side of the table before and it actually begins to feel like an insult after the recipient of the gift repeatedly insists on paying for it or tries to do something in return.
Thank him graciously foe it and be content in knowing he thought enough of you to give it to you.

P.S. You have beautiful hands and nails.

 

[lilmosun]

Thank you @SouthernGent , @Bron357 , @smitcompton and @Burmesedaze .

I should clarify..this co-worker now reports to me. So it isn't about intent or need to reciprocate but what could be perceived as an ethical conflict. In fact, even if I pay for it, wearing it to work would create issues as it is very close to the one he wears every day.

And I don't want to offend and truly am touched by the gift. There are cultural differences in how this is perceived but don't want to risk my job over it. Hence my conundrum!

 

[OoohShiny]

Awesome ring and a lovely gesture!

If you can't pay the gesture back, perhaps you could 'pay it forward' to someone in the future - creating good karma and all that!

 

[AV_]

I was in your shoes... Choose to receive the small bribe(s) & reciprocate with smiles. Sent reciprocal gifts for holidays to make sure that there is no remaining perceived obligation from the medium-sized bribes (New Year!). Returned unopened one utter outrage.

There was no occasion for impropriety, mercifully.

No jewelry or stuff to wear involved. I would not have worn them to be seen.


2c

 

[Bron357]

Ok, yes, this is a problem.
You must talk to him frankly and explain
“The gift is very beautiful and such a lovely gesture and I sincerely thank you however, as I am your boss at the office it is inappropriate for me to accept such a gift, irrespective of the kind thought and intention. So I must, rightly, either pay you a fair price for the ring, which I am happy to do as we did discussed this previously, or I must return it to you”.
And take it from there.

 

[elle_71125]

I don’t have a clue about the value but I’m tagging @Rare gem lover in case she can help.

I’ve never had someone duplicate a ring for me but in certain situations I try to gift back the perceived value of a gift. For instance, you could treat he and his wife to a spa or give them a weekend at a B&B. I think it’s nicer to gift back something they would love rather than trying to pay them for the ring and risk hurt feelings.

 

[elle_71125]

I don’t have a clue about the value but I’m tagging @Rare gem lover in case she can help.

I’ve never had someone duplicate a ring for me but in certain situations I try to gift back the perceived value of a gift. For instance, you could treat he and his wife to a spa or give them a weekend at a B&B. I think it’s nicer to gift back something they would love rather than trying to pay them for the ring and risk hurt feelings.

ETA: not sure how to deal with this with your particular office dynamics.

 

[strawrose]

I don’t have a clue about the value but I’m tagging @Rare gem lover in case she can help.

I’ve never had someone duplicate a ring for me but in certain situations I try to gift back the perceived value of a gift. For instance, you could treat he and his wife to a spa or give them a weekend at a B&B. I think it’s nicer to gift back something they would love rather than trying to pay them for the ring and risk hurt feelings.

Yes, I was thinking of this. Maybe a short trip where he has thought of going to but hasn’t?

 

[SouthernGent]

Oh, well that does indeed change the equation. I, too, work as a supervisor with 7 people reporting to me. I'm also a Certified Public Manager (CPM) and have been through extensive training regarding this kind of thing. Here are a couple of thoughts: 1) Since he just returned from India, he already had in mind to get you the ring before he came to work with you. 2) Not accepting a gift from someone with an Indian, or Asian, ethnicity is not only an insult, but completely heartbreaking to them. They are (typically) not as "manipulative" as some of we Americans can be and will truly give a gift without any expectation of quid-pro-quo.
Thus, 3) I would keep it, but never wear it at work and if he ever asks you why you don't wear it at work you can explain that it may be considered a conflict of interest by
the other employees and management.
Just my 2 cents...

 

[Rare gem lover]

When having lunch with a former co-worker who had just returned from India, I admired his new ring and commented "next time you go to India, maybe I'll give you money to have something made". Fast forward, he left his job and joined me at my new company this week.

Now the conundrum....for Christmas he gives me a copy of his ring! I told him I can't accept such a generous gift without paying for it ...but he won't discuss it saying his family considers me extended family and his wife had bought me a set of pearls on the trip but when he saw I loved the ring asked his father to have another made. And while I l know it comes without strings, ethically I can't accept a gift like this.

Since he had it custom made for me, I'm not sure how to get out of this other than to get him to accept some form a of payment. Any other ideas? And if not, how much? The Here are the pictures. Assume stone is glass and base on the gold value?
Anyone familiar with jewelry made in India?

Any suggestions welcomed.

As an Indian, I can vouch for the fact that we as a culture do sometimes go a bit overboard with gifting. A generous gift like this, is very well intentioned and totally normal for special friends. It’s almost impolite not to do it if someone likes something we have.

I would recommend giving a nice gift back in some other form and later, not like right away. Value of this ring would kind of depends on the stone, if that is a Tourmaline it’s a very fine one from India! Do get it checked and it’s value plus 600 dollars like bron says is appropriate. Perhaps just a bit more for custom making charges.

More than anything, just enjoy the gift! It’s a lovely gesture

 

[prs]

Very difficult decision! I'm going with accept the gift so as not to insult the giver, say you love the ring, but explain why it would not be appropriate for you to wear it at work. After some time passes give his wife a gift of equal value, and very diplomatically make it clear this is the end of the gift giving cycle.

Somehow you have to walk a very fine line here, but that's why you make the big bucks!

 

[peacechick]

Perhaps he felt you had a hand in helping him secure this new job at your current company. I’m sure at some point someone asked you for your feedback on him and it was a factor in him being hired. So rather than a bribe, it was an effusive expression of gratitude and friendship. You should still take him aside and say that while you appreciate his beautiful gift and friendship, you will have to maintain a professional relationship at work as his supervisor and cannot appear to be biased in any way. So expectations are made clear.

 

[Burmesedaze]

Hmm, this is a toughie. Would you also have a company policy on such gifts?

 

[OoohShiny]

Hmm, this is a toughie. Would you also have a company policy on such gifts?

I would never involve HR or Audit or whatever nightmare internal department was appropriate if I didn't have to - that's like volunteering for Root Canal surgery without anaesthetic... lol

 

[SouthernGent]

I would never involve HR or Audit or whatever nightmare internal department was appropriate if I didn't have to - that's like volunteering for Root Canal surgery without anaesthetic... lol

As a manager who deals with HR on a regular basis, I would agree!

 

[prs]

Very difficult decision! I'm going with accept the gift so as not to insult the giver, say you love the ring, but explain why it would not be appropriate for you to wear it at work. After some time passes give his wife a gift of equal value, and very diplomatically make it clear this is the end of the gift giving cycle.

I'm walking back the bit about giving his wife a gift of equal value. The fact he gave you an inappropriate gift doesn't mean you should make the same mistake. Yes, give his wife a nice gift, but nothing out of the ordinary, you have to make sure this whole thing is de-escalated.

Our next door neighbors are Indian, and the wife once told me that sons are everything in Indian culture. It occurs to me his parents may have just given him the ring, and he has no idea of its value. Maybe it would be best if you too didn't know its value. I also think it might be a good idea to discuss this dilemma with your supervisor.

 

[GliderPoss]

I think thank him with a hand written letter; also explain why you cannot wear it at work, but will enjoy wearing it elsewhere. Give a return gift at a later date when suitable. It’s a beautiful ring!

 

[lilmosun]

While my manager is very supportive, guidance isn't his strong suit. I couldn't find any company policy on gift giving for employees (just vendors) but the fact that I am questioning it, means I can't accept this as an outright gift. And I agree that buying something in return puts me in a reciprocating situation which is what I need to avoid.

I am going to wait until we get back from the holidays and how much it means to me but I can't accept it outright because of how others might perceive it and I don't want to risk his job or mine. Since I am pretty sure he won't let me pay for it or give me a real price (and you are right, he may not even know it as his father had his ring made and mine), I am thinking a handwritten note with a $500 Costco gift card for him and his family (I do know that he shops there). That way it's still a gift but the value of the gift is reduced.

Thank you all for the very thoughtful advice...it has helped me sort through this. It's been a learning experience about cultural differences...I'm going to be very careful what I say when admiring someone's jewelry in the future.

 

[ilovegemstones]

I totally understand this! I remember expressing my admiration for objects in India at family members' houses and they would give them to me!

 

[Rare gem lover]

I totally understand this! I remember expressing my admiration for objects in India at family members' houses and they would give them to me!

So totally typical ! I just did something similar, got my cousins free jewellery made simply because they like the colour of purple garnets and aqua.

 

[prs]

While my manager is very supportive, guidance isn't his strong suit. I couldn't find any company policy on gift giving for employees (just vendors) but the fact that I am questioning it, means I can't accept this as an outright gift. And I agree that buying something in return puts me in a reciprocating situation which is what I need to avoid.

@lomosun my advice to discuss this dilemma with your manager wasn't to seek inspiration, but rather to cover your rear in the event of a worst case scenario.