Contributing $$ towards BM dresses... Have/Will/Did you?

[meresal]

Just wondering... and how much?? If you were a BM, would you appreciate something like this, over a trivial goodie bag??

I was thinking $50, as part of their BM present. Which would take it from in the $300''s to in the $200''s.


Here is the dress we are going to use (I believe).

 

[Pandora II]

I paid in full for all my bridesmaid''s dresses.

If I needed to buy one for a friend''s wedding, I would have calculated the cost and $50 wouldn''t make a huge difference to me.

Only you know your BM''s financial situations though.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/22/2008 9:47:04 AM
Author: Pandora II
I paid in full for all my bridesmaid''s dresses.

If I needed to buy one for a friend''s wedding, I would have calculated the cost and $50 wouldn''t make a huge difference to me.

Only you know your BM''s financial situations though.

Did you get them gifts as well? or was the dress thier gift?

 

[bee*]

In Ireland, the BM''s dresses are always bought for them and a present is given. I will also buy the shoes, jewellery etc for them as is the norm over here.

 

[ash313]

I have never had a bridesmaid dress purchased for me, but have always thought it would be nice, especially if the bride chooses a somewhat pricey dress (which is, to me, more than say $180)

I decided I don't want to have them spend more than $100 for the wedding day. So, I will probably pay for a good chunk of their dress, their hair, they can wear whatever shoes/jewelry they want. I will also get them a gift, probably in the $100 range, and part of it will be a nice cashmere wrap that they can wear on wedding day (january) and then another small token (waterford picture frame or something).

I am hoping they will only be responsible for dress alterations and a portion of the dress purchase, and they can decide if they want to buy new shoes or jewelry or borrow or wear what they have.

I figure it's still nice to give a gift of appreciation, whether or not you pay for the dress. However, I doubt they would expect it.

ETA: LOVE your bridesmaids gowns!

 

[KimberlyH]

First wedding I planned (and cancelled) I purchased the bridesmaid dresses and had planned to give them a gift as well. When I actually got married I skipped bridesmaids, but had I had them I would have paid for their dresses. My best friend paid for all of our dresses when I served as her maid-of-honor. I didn''t expect it, but was very pleased that she did.

 

[Blackpaw]

Im still an LIW but i will pay for my BMs dresses when i get married. Ive only been in one wedding and we had to pay for the dresses and various other things and the whole day ended up being a huge financial cost for the BMs, particularly as we were all still in college then.

But I still think its nice to pay for their dresses, particularly if they''re not really usable again. So id prolly go for the contribution i guess?

 

[Lanie]

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times now (YES...SIX!) and have never had my dress paid for. I''ve had hair or makeup paid for which was nice. Was always given nice gifts. I''m thinking about giving my girls a little gift and then giving them a Visa card with money. It might be tacky, but as a bridesmaid, I have only used about 2 of my gifts I have gotten.

I think paying for their dresses would be very appreciated, but definitely not expected. That would be the only gift to give them, in my opinion (unless you could find something small and useful!)

 

[Cleopatra]

I let my BMs choose their own dress - I only had 2 BMs, so they didn''t take long to find the one they both loved - it was a short black dress that could be worn again (both were different dresses) - and they were both expensive. Even though they chose it themselves, I still had this pain of guilt about the $250 price tag of the dresses.

I purchased their shoes and paid for their hair and makeup the day of. I also got them other gifts as well...

 

[meresal]

I am actually kind of shocked to hear that so many people, other than you bee* since it's tradition, are planning on paying for the entire outfitting of the BM's. I am one of 4 sisters, and have many friends, and no one that I know of including any weddings I have been in, has ever had their dress paid for. Maybe it's a cultural thing?? I would say that most weddings I have been to are in the $20K to $50K range, and mostly in Texas.

If I give $50 towards the dress, I would also pay for day-of expenses, and small gift at the Rehersal Dinner or Bridal Shower. I cannot pay for 9 BM's dresses; I definitely didn't budget for that.

ETA: Thanks leeNY... the BM dress hunt has been a trying one. 2 out of 9 have tried it on, and like it so far!!

 

[Haven]

My parents paid for our wedding, and they paid for my sisters'' BM dresses, but not my friends'' BM dresses. My three sisters stood up, and three of my friends stood up. They paid for my sisters'' dresses because they were all in college or HS at the time.

DH and I gave everyone in our wedding party 2G iPod shuffles (I think they were the shuffles) as gifts, including my sisters. I think they cost about $70 each. We also paid for all of them to get their hair and makeup done the day of the wedding, if they wanted the services.

Your BM dresses sound very expensive, so I know I would appreciate some money as a gift toward the cost of the dress if I was in a wedding where the bride chose such expensive dresses. Especially if the alternative was a trivial goodie bag, though I''m not sure what that is. Perhaps you should ask one of your BMs what she thinks everyone would prefer.

I stood up in one wedding where the bride paid for our dresses, but only did so because she insisted that we get our hair and makeup done by a particular salon, and the services cost $200, and she didn''t pay for those. So, really, she didn''t really pay for our dresses. If you force your bridal party to get their hair and makeup done, you are supposed to pay for the services.

 

[meresal]

Haven, my parents did the exact same thing for me and my sisters when we were still in school.

My BM dresses are kind of expensive, but none of my BM''s have expressed any problem witht the prices. However, I know that it is on the higher end (mainly becuase of the silk, and it being what looks right with my dress), and I would like to at least bring it down to the $250 range.

The BM''s are going to wear whetever shoes they like, just has to have some kind of heel, and I''m not requiring them to have their hair done. They all have great style, and I trust whatever they think looks best on them. However, if they want their hair done, then I will have a stylist on site. I will have a MUA as well, for everyone, and will provide any jewelry that will be worn.

I just have a problem with the dress being over $300 (barely, but still over), and would like for it to be lower. I was just wondering what people thought about a small gift towards the pruchase, or if it it would be too little to matter.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I am also from Texas (Dallas area) and we are paying for both of our attendants GMs and BMs attire, hotel/flight (for a destination wedding). We are getting them gifts that we are presenting them at the rehearsal dinner and a spa package at the resort that includes hair/makeup/manicure/pedicure and massage for the BMs and shave/sports manicure and massage for the GMs.

We are not very wealthy, but we are very fortunate to both have great jobs in this economy. We are being very careful where we splurge in our budget (i.e. we aren''t worrying about flowers, cake, champagne or dinner as that is included in the resort package). But, we would hate for anyone we absolutely love to be unable to make it to our wedding for financial reasons.

I have been a bridesmaid several times (too many to count) and I''ve had both situations where I have to pay for everything and where the bride has generously paid for my attire and or hair/makeup. I was okay with either option because I often gauged my financial situation before agreeing to be in the wedding.

Also, I''ve received both great and eh presents and the ones that I use over and over again are: 1) Carolee pearl necklace and earrings received almost 10 years ago! It is silver and has very dainty pearls on the necklace and the earrings are studs 2) black silk/cotton wrap received about 3 years ago 3) bronze evening bag received 4 years ago, it is a great shape and is metallic instead of satin. The ones htat I put aside and eventually tossed were 1) pearl necklace and earrings that looked (and probably were) plastic 2) silver monogrammed businesscard case it was beautiful, but I was in college and had no business cards yet and it tarnished and I just had no space for it 3) Satin dyed to match shoes and purse that she swore we''d be able to wear again and again (just like the dress!)

 

[brooklyngirl]

I''m paying 1/2 for BM dresses and 1/2 for GM''s tux rentals. I''m letting them pick their hair, shoes, jewelry, etc.

I think it''s great that you want to lower the price of the dresses for your BMs by giving them a cash gift. I''m sure they will appreciate it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think the dresses are beautiful...however, I think that even $250.00 is a lot to ask someone to spend on BM dress--because generally, they do only get worn once and in theses economic times $250 is a lot of money.

I paid in full for my BM''s. Soup to nuts. I had very expensive taste when it came to dresses for my girls, and since it was my wedding--I figured it important to put my money where my mouth was. I''m a firm believer that just because you''re the bride doesn''t mean you get carte blanch financally speaking. In total, I spent about $2,000 per girl to stand up in my wedding including attire, hair, makeup, and gifts. It was well worth it because my friends got enjoy the process and the wedding without having to pinch pennies or secretly hate me for my champange tastes.

I think, IMPO, that $250.00 is an excessive amount of money to spend on a dress you''ll only be wearing once. That is a lot to ask of someone to put out, not including any accessories, hair or makeup or nails. With that being said, if those are the gowns you love and genuinely have your heart set on, then instead of traditional bridesmaids gifts put all the money you can towards the dresses.

The best advice I got received as a bride and the best advice I will ever give out regarding wedding parties is that you need to remember these people standing up for your are friends not maids. And because they are your friends, it''s important to remember that they have lives outside of your wedding...that they might not have a thousand hours to dedicate to your wedding, or a thousand dollars to spend getting dressed up for it...the most gracious thing a bride can ever do, is to be a good friend first, and a bride second.

 

[lovesparklies]

First of all, I love the bridesmaid dress you picked out. I think it''ll be beautiful!

I''ve been in a ton of weddings as well and sometimes the bride contributed $100 or $50 towards the dress, usually when it was over $300. I''ve also always had my hair and makeup paid for when it was "required" that we use those services and the bride gave us nice little gifts. The ones I''ve used most are tote bags, pajama pants and a very real looking set of pearls.

For my own upcoming wedding I chose dresses that are $200. Looking at my bridesmaids'' situations, they''re all about 30 and have well-paying jobs and generally haven''t been negatively affected by the ecomony so I don''t plan to contribute to the cost of wedding attire. Plus I''ve been in all of their weddings and paid about the same or much more for their bmaid dresses so it just evens out in the end. When you agree to be a bridesmaid that comes with financial obligations and when I was a bmaid right out of college that was a hardship sometimes, but it was also touching to be asked to be in my friends'' weddings and I dealt with the costs involved.

I suggest you take a look at your bridesmaids'' financial situations and if they need some assistance then contributing towards their dresses is a really nice gesture. Paying for dresses is probably a cultural or area-specific thing like most other wedding traditions -- no one pays for dresses where I''m from in the Midwest, for instance -- so combine your bridesmaids'' expectations with their financial situations and there''s your answer.

In the end, if you can afford to contibute $50 towards the dresses your bridesmaids will appreciate that very much. IMO you don''t need to contribute more than that.

 

[Haven]

Meresal--I definitely don''t think $50 will be too little to matter! If your girls don''t seem to have a problem with the price, I''m sure they''d appreciate the help, anyway.

Have you tried to find the dresses for less online? My girls all found their dresses online and saved a ton. I think they retailed at over $300 each, but they ended up finding them for around $150, if I remember correctly.

You know your friends best. I have to say, though, I''d always appreciate some help with the cost over a gift.

 

[girlie-girl]

I have only stood up for a friend in one wedding and she paid for all the bridesmaids' dresses and shoes in full. We all paid for or did our own hair and makeup and provided our own jewelry if we wanted to wear any. I was living in Southern California at the time. My friends in Nevada and here in Utah who have been in weddings have also always had their dresses and shoes purchased for them.

I may be old school, but if I would have had bridesmaids when I got married, I would have paid for their dresses and shoes. It's my opinion that my friends and relatives should not have to pay to be in my wedding. If I couldn't afford to pay for all of my wedding party's attire, I'd trim down the number of people in my wedding.

Having said that, I agree with those who have said you should fore go the 'trivial goodie bag' and contribute more toward the dress instead as it is quite expensive. I know you said none of your bridesmaids have complained about the price of the dress, but perhaps they don't want to offend you by saying so.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 12/22/2008 9:54:20 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/22/2008 9:47:04 AM
Author: Pandora II
I paid in full for all my bridesmaid's dresses.

If I needed to buy one for a friend's wedding, I would have calculated the cost and $50 wouldn't make a huge difference to me.

Only you know your BM's financial situations though.

Did you get them gifts as well? or was the dress thier gift?

I bought them heavy sterling charm bracelets and a real seed-pearl necklace (my father made them from the pearls left over from my dress) as gifts.

They provided their own shoes and undergarments.

In the UK I think it is fairly usual for the bride to pay for the dresses.

 

[elrohwen]

I haven't quite decided. Originally I was going to pay for 1/2 of each dress (two girls). FSIL needs her whole dress paid for (she's a poor college student) so if FMIL can't pick up the second half of the cost, we'll pay for the whole thing.

Recently I told FI that gifts for bridesmaids are standard and he asked why I'm buying them a $50+ gift if I paid for half of their dresses ($100+). He has a point, so I may forgo gifts (or just give something small and cheap, like maybe a pair of silver earrings or a bottle of wine).

Though things may change if MOH refuses to let me pay. She makes plenty of money and has already said something about not letting me pay for it, so if she insists on paying I'll get her a nice gift.

Personally, if I was the BM, I'd rather have my dress paid for than get an expensive gift which is why I offered to pay for half of their dresses. Gifts are nice, but you never really know if they'll love the gift you worked so hard to pick out.

ETA: Despite the $200+ price tag I really believe the dress is one they can wear again (ithey completely agree) so I hope the money they spend on it won't be a total waste. And they can wear whatever shoes, jewelry, etc that they want. I've offered to pay to get their hair done (since hair is hard to do on your own) but they can pay for makeup because I know they could do it on their own if they didn't want to pay.

 

[sklingem]

Honestly - I have heard so many stories of BMs getting really pi*d about having to spend a fortune on a dress they are (often)never going to wear again (on top of travel, accomodations, presents etc.) that I am really wondering why brides are still making them pay???

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/22/2008 3:46:05 PM
Author: rob09
Honestly - I have heard so many stories of BMs getting really pi*d about having to spend a fortune on a dress they are (often)never going to wear again (on top of travel, accomodations, presents etc.) that I am really wondering why brides are still making them pay???

Traditionally, in the United States, the bridesmaids are responsible for paying for their attire if they choose to accept the invitation to participate in the wedding. Now, this is only according to traditional polite society in the US; it sounds like things are different in other countries where the brides usually pay for the BP''s attire.

If you can''t afford to stand up in a wedding, don''t accept the invitation. Simple.

You have to remember that much of the traditions in the formal weddings we see people throwing nowadays are taken from the upper classes. In the not-so-distant past, grand, formal weddings were only thrown by people who could actually afford to throw and attend such formal events. Is it crazy that middle-class Americans are throwing $20,000 and $40,000+ weddings when the parents are likely to make, what, no more than $150,000 per year? Yes, it is insane. But this is the age in which we now live, and this is why we see so many disgruntled bridesmaids running around dismayed at the cost of participating. These bridesmaids are not debs with trust funds, and neither are the brides.

I don''t see a problem with expecting your bridal party to pay for their attire. I think the bride should consider the costs of her choices just as much as the bridesmaids should consider their ability to participate when they decide to accept the invitation.

Sorry for the threadjack.

Mere--I didn''t say it earlier, but I think your chosen bridesmaid dresses are gorgeous.

 

[oobiecoo]

First I want to say that your bridesmaid dresses are GORGEOUS!

I''m a fellow Texan (go Bobcats!

) and it doesn''t seem common for the bridesmaid''s dresses to be fully paid for. I think the $50 towards the dress will definitely be appreciated and then maybe add a small gift in addition to that. I would feel kinda jipped if the bride paid for like $100 of my $300 bridesmaid dress and I didn''t get a gift at all. But putting a smaller amount towards both the dress AND a gift is a nice gesture.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I have paid for each dress that I have worn as a bridesmaid, and I never had any ill feelings towards my friends - even when I was unemployed or a poor grad student. It''s just part of the cost of accepting to be a bridesmaid. However, my friends have always picked dresses that were under $200. One bride let us wear any black cocktail dress, and I found one on SUPER sale for 50 dollars and have worn it several times since then. Most people talk about being able to wear a dress again, but I think it''s just important to be in a dress that fits you well and makes you feel pretty that day. I am not really concerned about my girls being able to wear the dress again because most people don''t wear a formal dress over and over again anyway.

I may contribute some money to the dresses, but I haven''t really decided yet. It depends on the dress we all pick. I don''t want my girls to spend more than they are comfortable with, so we will see!

 

[Gwyn]

I let my girls chose there dresses and offered to pay for them as their gift.

I had decided earlier though, however, to only pay up to $150. It just happened that all the girls chose dresses in that range. Actually one girl went a lil over and one went a little under. But it averaged out to about $150 per girl so I just bought them all.

for me, i had pretty much hated all the BM dresses (3) I ever had to wear (all three of them slightly different shades of the same awful color on me...go figure) and I was always annoyed that i had to pay for them lol. My dresses were brown (a color they chose from 4 different color options) and possibly wearable again, but I know many never end up doing that so I didnt mind paying for their dresses.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Perhaps it is a cultural thing but 95% of my friends have paid for their bridemaid''s dresses, makeup and hair. I am the maid of honour for an upcoming wedding - this is actually one of the only weddings I have been involved in where the bride isn''t paying for the dress. I don''t mind .. it isn''t a big deal.

 

[musey]

I gave my only bridesmaid (MOH) the option of making the dress of her choice (I pay for fabric) or buying the dress of her choice (I pay with a budget of $250). She chose to make it, and her fabric cost $30 in the LA Fabric District. I used the extra money to reset our grandmother's (she's my cousin) engagement ring diamond into a pendant for her BM gift.

Having only one BM made it easy to fit the whole dress into our budget, even if she had chosen to go the ~$250 route. In fact, that was partly why I chose to have only one (not the only reason, but part of it). If I'd chosen to have more, I would have paid for everyone's dresses. In my opinion, it is a wedding expense, and should not ever be the responsibility of the BMs. But that's just my own personal opinion, and I do realize that some (most?) people disagree, and that tradition/etiquette dictate that the BMs should pay for their own stuff.

In answer to your other question, which would I prefer? Help with the dress, no question. Though I might be a little bitter if I were told to buy a $300 dress (did they choose, or give you a budget?) and then given $50 to help pay for the $300 I was told to buy

but I'm also a little bitter on the bridesmaid front as of late. So you could just chalk it up to me being a bitter betty

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/22/2008 11:25:03 AM
Author: Lanie
I have been a bridesmaid 6 times now (YES...SIX!)

No one paid for my bridesmaid dress either in the 2 weddings I have been in.

 

[Izzy03]

Wow! Paying for hair, makeup, jewelry, and gifts alone adds up! That is very generous to contribute for the dress as well!

To cut on costs, I decided not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen. Had I chosen to have bridesmaids, they all would have been family members and friends who live far from me, so they would not have been able to help much with my wedding planning. I realized having them would create TONS more work for myself.

If I did have bridesmaids, I only would have paid for one of my bridesmaids dresses because she is in a tough spot financially. I don''t think I would have paid for hair and makeup either nor would I require they had their hair done. I would have taken them to the spa for manicures and pedicures the day before the wedding, and gotten them a great gift.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

I love the dress you picked for your BM- it is beautiful! I paid for my BM dresses, but mainly because I am having a destination wedding and I don''t want them to have any additional expenses other than what they are paying for their cruise. If I was getting married at home I don''t think I would be paying.