College age harrassment/bullying

[autumngems]

My daughter is 21 and going to school 2 hours away, she had depression and anxiety. She broke up with her last boyfriend because he put his hands on her. They have both moved on to new people in their lives. After a year and a half now her ex's current girlfriend has started harassing/bullying my daughter. If my daughter posts a picture on Instagram of Facebook the girl makes a nasty remark on her Twitter about they picture without using my daughter's name but to the point you know she means my daughter. It happened several times and even my daughter's friend tell her about it. My daughter being the bigger person texted her and asked her why she felt the need to make those comments, she hasn't event talked to the girl so she doesn't know why this occurs suddenly. The girl says she doesn't know what my daughter is talking about and shouldn't assume everything is about her. However, it's blatantly obvious it is if you read the posts she makes. My daughter left it alone.
Comments were and still are being made everytime my daughter posts something. As I said my daughter suffers depression and anxiety and this had made matters worse.
The other girl goes to another college and hour away. I just don't know what to do...….

 

[soxfan]

All she has to do is block her on social media.

 

[Tekate]

Is this girl a 'friend' on Insta and FB, if so she must block her, if the girl is getting your daughter's pix etc and the girl isn't a friend then she should complain to FB/IG for harrassment, is the ex bf still her friend? Your daughter should be proactive and clamp her FB and Insta down, it's fairly easy, she can limit who sees her stuff to just those people who she wants to see it, not sure as much on Insta, she needs to stop posting as much also till she can get the harrasser out of her FB and Insta. What does she want to do?

ETA: she can block her on Twitter also.

 

[House Cat]

Your daughter has the power to block whomever she wants from her social media. I do it all of the time.

She can also refrain from texting people and asking why they are doing what they do. This is engaging in drama, a very bad idea.

Your daughter has anxiety and depression. I hope she is in good weekly therapy to help her learn coping skills and resilience. Practicing self care during a time like this is essential. Self care for me during something like this would look like: not engaging in the drama, blocking the offender and not peeking, looking at reality (I am a nice person, I have good friends, i am loved by my family, i live comfortably, etc..life is good), realizing this is a very small tick on the butt of life and I can move on...this is the ex’s girlfriend..an ex who hit me...he’s probably hitting her too...done.

 

[soxfan]

Well said, house cat.

 

[msop04]

All she has to do is block her on social media.

Yep... the block function will fix it.

ETA: I don't think her friends are doing her any favors by telling her about said tweets/posts.

 

[House Cat]

Yep... the block function will fix it.

ETA: I don't think her friends are doing her any favors by telling her about said tweets/posts.

Agreed. Those friends are serving their own purposes. They want to see sparks fly. They should be asked to stop. This is a lesson in growth and maturity for these girls. It’s about not taking every little piece of bait that’s thrown out by this other girl.

 

[msop04]

Agreed. Those friends are serving their own purposes. They want to see sparks fly. They should be asked to stop. This is a lesson in growth and maturity for these girls. It’s about not taking every little piece of bait that’s thrown out by this other girl.

You explained it much better than I did... daughter needs to block this person, and the friends need to stop alerting her to every post.

 

[autumngems]

She has blocked her on all platforms, she hears about it from others. I will suggest she tell them she just doesn't want or need to hear it. The girl is 3 years older and playing 6th grade games.

 

[JPie]

She has blocked her on all platforms, she hears about it from others. I will suggest she tell them she just doesn't want or need to hear it. The girl is 3 years older and playing 6th grade games.

Your daughter can set her accounts to private as well. That way only her friends can see her posts.

 

[arkieb1]

Tell her to give all social media a break for a while, and really take care of herself.

 

[cmd2014]

Your daughter has the power to block whomever she wants from her social media. I do it all of the time.

She can also refrain from texting people and asking why they are doing what they do. This is engaging in drama, a very bad idea.

Your daughter has anxiety and depression. I hope she is in good weekly therapy to help her learn coping skills and resilience. Practicing self care during a time like this is essential. Self care for me during something like this would look like: not engaging in the drama, blocking the offender and not peeking, looking at reality (I am a nice person, I have good friends, i am loved by my family, i live comfortably, etc..life is good), realizing this is a very small tick on the butt of life and I can move on...this is the ex’s girlfriend..an ex who hit me...he’s probably hitting her too...done.

^^^ This. And I also agree about telling her friends to stop telling her about it. If they want to address it themselves, let them, but otherwise, she should ask them to stop bringing the drama to her. People can control who sees their social media posts. People can also control what they choose to engage themselves in. When other people are behaving badly, sometimes it's best to learn not to take the bait.

 

[House Cat]

She has blocked her on all platforms, she hears about it from others. I will suggest she tell them she just doesn't want or need to hear it. The girl is 3 years older and playing 6th grade games.

Everyone in this situation is playing the 6th grade games. Your daughter texted the girl. Your daughter’s friends are feeding her the bait. The girl is making the comments on your daughter’s photos. They’re all playing a part in this game.

I see no victims in this situation, only willing participants who are doing a great job at feeding the situation.

This isn’t a situation of harassment or bullying, this is girls being dramatic.

 

[telephone89]

Your daughter just needs to set her insta to private, and not have other people reporting back.

Also, how does your daughter have this girls phone number? Why is she texting her? That's not being the bigger person, thats more instigation of drama.

 

[AV_]

Why on Earth does it matter to her? ,(

 

[chemgirl]

She needs to just back away from the drama. Her name isn’t being used so it’s not like a future employer is going to see any of it. She should stop giving them attention.

I mean her ex boyfriend here too. He’s probably acting horribly to this new girl and using your daughter as a scapegoat “sorry, but my past relationship caused damage blah blah blah.” Who knows what this woman is dealing with from this guy. It’s not like he magically went from abuser to wonderful man. Her actions are not good, but where did it come from if not from him?

I hope your daughter finds the strength to ignore them both.

 

[Arcadian]

@autumngems You're a great mom. Hope that you are not put out by some answers. Your daughter is doing what people who age do and engage in, its unfortunate but it happens. The advice here is really solid.

In this case you can be there for her, give her some great advice, but at her age, its her job to follow through.

I remember being 21 and hard headed. sometimes ignoring what my parents where saying and sometimes, I ended up falling on my tail because of it. A hard head makes a soft tail and all that.

I'm hoping you're not being too stressed about it because there's only so much that you can do right now. If she follows through, tells her friends to freaking cool it (and if they don't get rid of them too), she'll be at peace. You will too.

 

[OreoRosies86]

She shouldn’t have this girl’s number. Social media can be an accelerant for anxiety, so maybe a break is due.

 

[monarch64]

Social media break, period. Focusing on school and killing the distractions will immediately alleviate some of the anxiety and depression. Daughter HAS to act as her own advocate and recognize stressors and be willing to cut out the unnecessary ones for her mental health and well-being. It’s just that simple.

 

[Rubymal]

Tell her to give all social media a break for a while, and really take care of herself.

This!

I had a crazy ex in college. He used to bully and force me into posting "happy" things about us to put up this image for his friends. (He used to also tag us at different high-end restaurants and places saying we were there for a date, even though we'd never ever gone to this places, but I digress). The drama caused by him alone was enough for me to cut out social media. It relieved a lot of stress and anxiety for me when I could just tell him, "I don't have Facebook anymore."

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

social media can be so cruel
it was hard enough being that age back when but id hate to have to do it over again with social media
its a real shame social media can bring out such meaness in people
i hope her anxiety and depression is manageable
i too recomend having a break from social media
personality i know how hard it is not to peek at self blocked content - no good comes of it

 

[Ally T]

Block her & set her accounts to private. Then tell her friends she under no circumstances wants to have these comments verbally reported back to her.

There is currently a young woman on BBC Breakfast here in the UK right at this very moment talking about exactly the same thing. The experts say the worst thing you can do is contact the person making the comments & ask why etc, as this fuels their fire. If they can make you rise to it & interact with them, they know they are affecting you, so they will carry on.

Good luck to your daughter - sending positive vibes.

 

[AV_]

I do not know what I was missing; I do not want to know [frankly, the letter works in much else but gossip; it is a word of wisdom I remember: 'no names, no numbers' - the author was quite a woman°! I must be very boring to whoever does not observe the rule.] Much later in professional life, I had to feign ignorance a few times [then, the real deal sets in!]; only twice it became necessary to do more & by the time, the prattle had gotten so fantastic, it was easy to debunk. I love Twitter & it loves me back, I do not have time for more; email rules.

[° the thread reminded me of her, thx @autumngems !]

 

[doberman]

Social media is such crap. I am always amazed at how much emotion it stirs up. Your daughter is old enough to figure out that all she has to do is put her settings to private, stop visiting this other girl's pages, and stop talking to people who feel compelled to tell her about this girl's latest posts. She can always take a hiatus from social media, which I heartily recommend.

Just as an aside it seems these days that everyone of a certain age suffers from depression and anxiety, so her condition is by no means unique. She will need to manage this on her own. The greatest gift you can give her is the ability be strong and to stand on her own.