Cold feet or something more?

[Sugarcicle]

So, the boy and I have been talking marriage for a few months. He gave me the "green light" to look at rings, which I happily did. I did my own research and came up with four rings, which I emailed to him. From those four, he gets to pick one.

Problem is, ever since I sent him the pictures of the four rings, something just hasn''t felt RIGHT. It''s just like this sinking feeling in my stomach, and almost a sense of dread. I actually felt a sense of relief there was no proposal over New Year''s.

I love him, and he makes me very happy. But I''m extremely nervous about the future. I have always been a goody-two-shoes, overachiever type. My job is nothing phenomenal right now, but I make more than he does. He doesn''t have a "bad" job, but the company is struggling, and he seems determined to go down with the ship out of a sense of loyalty. He knows he needs to find something "with a future", but isn''t really sure what that should be.

I know marriage is in sickness, and in health, for richer for poorer. But does it make me a bad person for having reservations about it from the get go? I never wanted to be the breadwinner of a family, and I''m afraid I will resent the fact that I am.

I know this isn''t a very happy LIW post, but it''s an honest one. So, I would love feedback from anyone who has any kind of advice or experience from a similar situation.

 

[LilyKat]

First, I admire that you are able to be honest with yourself and with us. I totally understand where you''re coming from - I would feel the same.

In your position, I would put engagement plans on hold until you are comfortable with his job situation (whatever that may be). It may be that he gets a secure job, or he doesn''t but you work through your feelings and are able to feel 100% happy with him despite this. Either way - it clearly isn''t right now.

You''re perfectly within your rights to gently mention that you think it might not be the right time for an engagement. Take the pressure off both you and him.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/11/2010 1:08:28 PM
Author: LilyKat
First, I admire that you are able to be honest with yourself and with us. I totally understand where you''re coming from - I would feel the same.

In your position, I would put engagement plans on hold until you are comfortable with his job situation (whatever that may be). It may be that he gets a secure job, or he doesn''t but you work through your feelings and are able to feel 100% happy with him despite this. Either way - it clearly isn''t right now.

You''re perfectly within your rights to gently mention that you think it might not be the right time for an engagement. Take the pressure off both you and him.

Big ditto! If you''re not feeling 100% about this engagement, it''s time to take a step back. I would talk to him and say that you want to be on more secure footing (ie he needs to be on more secure footing) before taking such a big step.

For what it''s worth, I would probably feel the same in your situation. I''m currently unemployed and know what that''s like, and I have a lovely DH supporting me (in addition to my unemployment checks) - but my DH understands that I''m a hard worker and have a good career in front of me, I just need a new job. It''s totally different to be with someone who doesn''t seem to know what he wants to do and doesn''t seem to be taking any steps towards a goal. With the situation you''re in, I don''t think there''s anything wrong with feeling the way you do.

 

[So_In_Love]

I think I would have to disagree with you ladies on this one. I mean, how would it make you feel if the reason your boyfriend did not want to get engaged to you is that your job was not good enough? or you are not ambitious enough and have a small salary?
My best friend's fiancee seems to be similar to your bf Sugarcicle. He worked at a dead-end job for 2 years, was laid off and has been on unemployment for a few months now. He is not looking for another job and trying to make it as a sales rep (apparently, with little success so far). And my friend has always been the over-achiever type, making good money, and she was always a little concerned about his lack of ambition. But this guy is such a good person and treats her so well that none of us have any doubts about whether or not she should proceed with the wedding. I know every situation is different, but in my opinion, where the guy works or how much money he makes is not really that important if he treats you well and makes you happy.

All the best to you!

 

[purselover]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:07:37 PM
Author: So_In_Love
I think I would have to disagree with you ladies on this one. I mean, how would it make you feel if the reason your boyfriend did not want to get engaged to you is that your job was not good enough? or you are not ambitious enough and have a small salary?
My best friend's fiancee seems to be similar to your bf Sugarcicle. He worked at a dead-end job for 2 years, was laid off and has been on unemployment for a few months now. He is not looking for another job and trying to make it as a sales rep (apparently, with little success so far). And my friend has always been the over-achiever type, making good money, and she was always a little concerned about his lack of ambition. But this guy is such a good person and treats her so well that none of us have any doubts about whether or not she should proceed with the wedding. I know every situation is different, but in my opinion, where the guy works or how much money he makes is not really that important if he treats you well and makes you happy.

All the best to you!

Speaking from experience I can honestly say it would sting but I would see his point. Before we were engaged DH and I had many talks about this. He would love it if I made more money (as would I! I work for a non-profit) but also saw how much happier I am now than when I was in a more corporate position. I will most likely never make anywhere near where he does but as couple we are both okay with that.

Honestly maybe this is really old fashioned but I would hate to have to be the bread winner so to speak, if I made a little more than him that would be one thing but I wouldn't want to feel like I have to financially support my husband nor would I want him to have to support me. A nice loving husband is great but that's not going to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate.

 

[Hest88]

From someone on the other side...no, you''re not a bad person. The two of you are building a future together, and it matters what each can contribute to the equation. It''s even more important if you''re planning on having kids.

In my first marriage, my husband was making a decent amount but the income was extremely unstable. I''m a rather risk-adverse person would would have rather he made less if it meant I knew exactly how much money I had to allocate to our expenses. So, there''s a case of our monetary aspirations being misaligned---it wasn''t about the amount of money; but about the frequency of it. If it *had* been about the money, it still wouldn''t have made my feelings wrong, I''d like to think. I just need a certain amount of financial security to be comfortable. I''m not someone who can live paycheck to paycheck, worried if the rent or mortgage will be paid this month. If you think what he''s doing or not doing is going to make you stressed about your future down the line, then that''s important to consider as you figure out if the two of you really are ultra-compatible or not.

 

[rierie26]

I don''t think it makes you a bad person to have doubts. I think everyone has doubts at one point or another. I definitely agree with LilyKat that maybe you should postpone your engagement for a little bit. Do you think you''re having doubts because he''s not in a good place in his career right now or is it more doubts about his career goals/ambitions? I

If it''s the first one, postponing until times are better might be the way to go. If it''s the last one, the two of you need to sit down and have an honest talk about it because that can become a big issue in the future. I mentioned it in another posting, but there''s a good book that does address this situation and others. It''s called, "1001 questions to ask before you get married."

Hugs!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:07:37 PM
Author: So_In_Love
I think I would have to disagree with you ladies on this one. I mean, how would it make you feel if the reason your boyfriend did not want to get engaged to you is that your job was not good enough? or you are not ambitious enough and have a small salary?
My best friend's fiancee seems to be similar to your bf Sugarcicle. He worked at a dead-end job for 2 years, was laid off and has been on unemployment for a few months now. He is not looking for another job and trying to make it as a sales rep (apparently, with little success so far). And my friend has always been the over-achiever type, making good money, and she was always a little concerned about his lack of ambition. But this guy is such a good person and treats her so well that none of us have any doubts about whether or not she should proceed with the wedding. I know every situation is different, but in my opinion, where the guy works or how much money he makes is not really that important if he treats you well and makes you happy.

All the best to you!

I'm glad your friend is happy in her relationship, but I would not be happy in that kind of relationship. I don't think it's important what kind of job the guy has or how much money he makes, but there's a certain lack of ambition that is a red flag about someone's ability to support themself as an adult. Everyone goes through rough times with their jobs, like I said, I'm going through one now, but I would only want to marry a guy who I felt was responsible. I just don't see having a dead end job and not preparing for the future as being responsible. If he had lost his job, but was financially responsible and looking for a new job that fit his career path, then it would be a different story. It sounds like the OP is also having difficulties with this, which is why we advised her to hold off on the engagement.

eta: This seems like a fundamental difference in life goals, not just a rough patch at his job. Someone can love you and treat you well, but I don't believe "love is enough" - you need to have the same goals in life. If the OP and her bf talk about it and find they really do have the same goals, more power to them. But if she's nervous, she should trust her gut and examine it a little more.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/11/2010 4:44:10 PM
Author: elrohwen


eta: This seems like a fundamental difference in life goals, not just a rough patch at his job. Someone can love you and treat you well, but I don't believe 'love is enough' - you need to have the same goals in life. If the OP and her bf talk about it and find they really do have the same goals, more power to them. But if she's nervous, she should trust her gut and examine it a little more.

Yup.

We're not in any way saying she should dump him. I can see their relationship working out just fine, if they're both on the same page. Sometimes, it just isn't the right time - and I think she's doing the right thing by trusting her feelings. It's never a bad idea to slow down and take a bit more time to reflect.

And personally, I wouldn't have a problem at all making more money than my husband. I would have a problem if I had to actually support him long-term (as in having to put a roof over his head and food on the table), because I feel that adults (men AND women) should aim to support themselves independently. At least in any marriage I'm in.

 

[princessplease]

Your reservations are completely sound and logical.

I was planning on marrying my long term bf before FI. However, he stopped school after high school (no problem with that), but was stuck at a job that paid $8/hr when we met, and was up to $9/hr when we broke up (4 years later). He currently makes $11/hr. Of course, it was great that he had a job, but I was in college with plans to further my education with an MA and eventually a PsyD or a PhD, and I could not live with the fact that I would be the primary breadwinner, that I would be responsible for ALL of the bills in the house while he sat at this dead end job. I felt like the relationship could never be equal, and I didn''t want my husband having to ask me for money all of the time, or be on the deed to the house or on the car loan with no financial contributions to those things. Needless to say, the relationship ended, for that and many other reasons.

FI does not have a college degree, but he went to tech school, and makes very decent money. When I get my MA, I should be making close to what he makes. And when I get my PhD or PsyD, I''ll be making much more than him. However, I have no problem making more than him because he contributes to the household. He pays his own car payment, insurance, credit cards, health bills, etc. which are things I would have had to pay for with my ex. I had resented the situatuion with the ex even before we were engaged, and that was an immediate red flag.

Of course you can overcome this obstacle, but as el said, I would have a serious talk about life goals. It''s only then you can make a wise decision about the next step in your relationship. Good luck.

 

[saltydog75]

Another guy''s perspective - and I think I have a good read on this one. My most recent ex was a super high achiever - valedictorian, master''s from John''s Hopkins, Georgetown med school, etc. I''m a pretty normal dude, with a normal job, and I''m OK with that.

I think you can do one of two things. You can come to terms with the fact that he''s going to keep being himself (i.e. not as driven as you) or you can break up. Which way to go is up to you, although the fact that you''re voicing doubts tells me you already know which way you would go.

What you can''t do is stay with him and think he''s going to become someone different, because he isn''t. Because then you''re just postponing the inevitable. At some point you''re going to be sick of him not changing and he''s going to be sick of you for not accepting him the way he is and you''re going to go your separate ways.

 

[saltydog75]

And also - maybe I''m wrong about this but - isn''t the whole ring selection process symbolic of your relationship? You sound like a person who''d want a guy to take charge of the whole process a little more. Instead, you''re really driving the process by picking out the four rings, and he''s just picking one of them. He''s more of a observer to the whole process than anything.

Maybe I''m just old school, but it seems to me that a guy who isn''t moving the process forward, and who''s sort of passive-aggressively letting you move the process forward while not committing to anything, sounds like a guy who is one foot in, one foot out of the relationship. And if that''s the case, and you''re having doubts too, then what does that say about the future?

I had an ex who would always tell me I just didn''t "get" her, and while that always annoyed the hell out of me, there''s some truth to it. If he doesn''t "get" you well enough to know what kind of ring you want, is he really someone you want to marry?

I mean, if he''s willing to go out on a limb and pick a ring for you, knowing that he could be right or wrong, then he''s also the type who''s willing to take risks for his career. If he''s not willing to risk picking a ring, he''s almost surely not the type to take a risk to advance his career, and it sounds like you already know that''s not want you want.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/11/2010 8:13:39 PM
Author: saltydog75
And also - maybe I'm wrong about this but - isn't the whole ring selection process symbolic of your relationship? You sound like a person who'd want a guy to take charge of the whole process a little more. Instead, you're really driving the process by picking out the four rings, and he's just picking one of them. He's more of a observer to the whole process than anything.

Maybe I'm just old school, but it seems to me that a guy who isn't moving the process forward, and who's sort of passive-aggressively letting you move the process forward while not committing to anything, sounds like a guy who is one foot in, one foot out of the relationship. And if that's the case, and you're having doubts too, then what does that say about the future?

I had an ex who would always tell me I just didn't 'get' her, and while that always annoyed the hell out of me, there's some truth to it. If he doesn't 'get' you well enough to know what kind of ring you want, is he really someone you want to marry?

I mean, if he's willing to go out on a limb and pick a ring for you, knowing that he could be right or wrong, then he's also the type who's willing to take risks for his career. If he's not willing to risk picking a ring, he's almost surely not the type to take a risk to advance his career, and it sounds like you already know that's not want you want.

I'll have to respectively disagree with almost this entire post. My DH loves me and understands me better than anyone I know, but I wouldn't trust him for a second to pick out a ring I need to wear every day. Jewelry is just not on his radar and he has no idea what I would like and not like. But that's ok! I don't think a guy feeling unable to pick out the perfect ring is at all indicitive of personality. I think everything else he does regarding his job and finances and his goals for those speaks to his personality. The OP should be thinking about those things - not whether or not he can run out and pick the exact ring she would want without her input.

 

[saltydog75]

Well, I get that, but shouldn''t the guy be excited about moving the process forward? If you''re the type that knows exactly what she wants, of course you want to pick everything out so it''s perfect. But you don''t want to be dragging your guy around and having to repeatedly tell him what you want. You want him to be excited about getting you something you love. Right?

It''s not about who gets to pick, or the element of surprise - just about whether he''s excited about getting you a ring you love or whether he''s dragging his feet like he''s reluctant to go through the whole thing.

It''s his involvement in the process, basically. Even if you''re picking everything, the OP seems like someone who would want a guy to be certain enough about the whole decision to be an equal partner in the process. Instead, he''s just leaving it to her, opting out of the whole process, and sort of saying "well, if you never bring it up again, that''s OK with me".

Just sounds like a person who would want a dude who''s more involved in the process, as opposed to someone who''s just standing on the sidelines and observing.

I dunno, I''m wrong a lot, it''s just an observation.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/11/2010 8:34:14 PM
Author: saltydog75
Well, I get that, but shouldn't the guy be excited about moving the process forward? If you're the type that knows exactly what she wants, of course you want to pick everything out so it's perfect. But you don't want to be dragging your guy around and having to repeatedly tell him what you want. You want him to be excited about getting you something you love. Right?

It's not about who gets to pick, or the element of surprise - just about whether he's excited about getting you a ring you love or whether he's dragging his feet like he's reluctant to go through the whole thing.

It's his involvement in the process, basically. Even if you're picking everything, the OP seems like someone who would want a guy to be certain enough about the whole decision to be an equal partner in the process. Instead, he's just leaving it to her, opting out of the whole process, and sort of saying 'well, if you never bring it up again, that's OK with me'.

Just sounds like a person who would want a dude who's more involved in the process, as opposed to someone who's just standing on the sidelines and observing.

I dunno, I'm wrong a lot, it's just an observation.

I agree with what you're saying here - certainly you want a guy who says "Hey, let's get engaged! What kind of ring do you want? Let's go look at some!" and is proactive. I guess I just don't see how taking a risk with picking out a ring (like you said above) is related to being proactive. There are plenty of guys who really want to get engaged, but are terrified of picking out the actual ring and leave that up to their girlfriend.

I agree with the basics of what you're saying here, I guess I just didn't see the feet dragging in what she said in her post - he asked her what kind of ring she would like, she sent him some options, and it sounds like he's ready to go out and purchase. I hope she comes back and lets us know if your observation is correct because if it is, there might be bigger problems than just his ambition at work.

 

[trillionaire]

Being completely honest, marriage is for better and worst, and that's clearly not how you feel about this guy. If you'd rather have someone pick up the extra bills than love you for the rest of your life, that's your decision. You certainly should not proceed as it's unfair to him. You did not indicate that he's not pulling his weight, or that you are living check to check, so it's sounds like the problem is with you, and not the guy. If you are not comfortable telling him that you don't want to get married until he gets a better job, and then be willing to deal with the consequences, then you have your answer. Sorry to be harsh, but this sounds very shallow. I've been with my FI for 6 yrs, though lean times and fat times, through unemployment, depression, long distance and a lot of other things, and if he ever indicated that he would leave a loving, healthy, stable relationship just because I didn't make enough, and he wanted to 'upgrade', I would be utterly disgusted.

Maybe you guys are just young?

 

[AustenNut]

I think a lot of the comments above make a lot of sense. I certainly think that slowing things down and taking time to really look at your relationship and what you want for your future is key.

You also might find this article interesting. It''s the writer''s response to a letter from a woman who''s boyfriend treats her wonderfully, but is not ambitious at all. It just sort of rang a bell with your situation.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/11/2010 12:35:00 PM
Author:Sugarcicle
So, the boy and I have been talking marriage for a few months. He gave me the ''green light'' to look at rings, which I happily did. I did my own research and came up with four rings, which I emailed to him. From those four, he gets to pick one.

Problem is, ever since I sent him the pictures of the four rings, something just hasn''t felt RIGHT. It''s just like this sinking feeling in my stomach, and almost a sense of dread. I actually felt a sense of relief there was no proposal over New Year''s.

I love him, and he makes me very happy. But I''m extremely nervous about the future. I have always been a goody-two-shoes, overachiever type. My job is nothing phenomenal right now, but I make more than he does. He doesn''t have a ''bad'' job, but the company is struggling, and he seems determined to go down with the ship out of a sense of loyalty. He knows he needs to find something ''with a future'', but isn''t really sure what that should be.

I know marriage is in sickness, and in health, for richer for poorer. But does it make me a bad person for having reservations about it from the get go? I never wanted to be the breadwinner of a family, and I''m afraid I will resent the fact that I am.

I know this isn''t a very happy LIW post, but it''s an honest one. So, I would love feedback from anyone who has any kind of advice or experience from a similar situation.

easy, separate bank accounts.

 

[jewelz617]

You''re not a bad person for worrying about financial stability. Heck, most marriages end because of money woes, so you''re smart to be cautious. Don''t do anything until you are comfortable.

 

[Sugarcicle]

I had written a reply last night, and I''m a little miffed that it never posted! Computers.

Our engagement has always hinged on where he stands with his job. He wants to be more stable, and I completely respect this. Initially I thought it would be sometime this spring, but with his job still uncertain, there are no immediate plans for it to happen anytime soon.

Trillionnaire- Youth is definitely not one of our problems. The boy and I are both pushing 30, so if anything, I''d say age is against us. Had I been 21 when I met him, I probably never would have given a second thought to his job or ability to support a family. At 21, I was still in the "With Love, All Things Are Possible" camp. At 28, I know love is wonderful and vital to a relationship, but it does NOT make all things possible. Call me jaded, maybe.

A lot of SaltyDog''s comments were actually right on point. I have two degrees, and I''m working on my third. He enjoyed college a little too much, and struggled to get his one. He fell into his job after Katrina, and it''s what he''s been doing ever since. While construction boomed after the storm, it''s completely dried up for the time being and the company is really struggling in this housing market. He''s an extremely hard worker- I''ve never doubted that. But it seems as though he''d be content with any job, as long as it paid the bills, rather than seeking out something he wants to build into a career.

I''m very much a planner- someone who wants to think things through and have a plan of action for when something comes up. He''s the opposite. He takes life one day at a time, and says he''ll deal with problems when they come up. His laid back attitude definitely calms my high-strung self down, but it can also be frustrating. I tried talking to him last night about my fears, and he got very defensive and clammed up. His response was "You plan your life, I''ll plan mine." I tried to explain to him that when we''re together, his job will have an effect on me, so I feel I have a right to worry about it. But I think MY worrying about it just stresses him out more. So the conversation was dropped and I didn''t push anymore.

I might be one of the posters that some others have lambasted and questioned as to why we''re on here. I was upfront in my original post. Being an LIW doesn''t always mean pretty rings and shiny things. Getting engaged and agreeing to marry someone is a life-altering experience. Making that decision involves lots of thought and consideration. I wish it were a happy, cloud-9 type feeling for me. But right now it feels more like a business merger, considering the assets of what each side is bringing to the table, and whether a solid stable partnership will last. I know that''s not romantic, but I''m not a "sweep-me-off-my-feet" kind of girl.

 

[elrohwen]

Hey, thanks for coming back and updating us!

It said a lot that you agree with saltydog''s comments - as I said above, I didn''t get that from your original post, and if what he said is right I think you have bigger problems than just his job. It''s sounds like he''s "laid back" but you also think he''s not very responsible and is not working to move this relationship, or your life together, forward. And that''s not good! It seems like there are some fundamental personality differences and you need to decide if you can live with them or not.

Do you think he''s responsible enough to find a new job quickly if he loses his old job? Do you think he''s responsible enough to help support a family? I guess what I''m getting at is - are you more worried about him not being responsible? Or just the amount of money he makes despite him being responsible? If it''s the first, that''s probably something you can''t change and will just need to live with or find somebody different. If it''s the second, and he really is responsible, just doesn''t make tons of money, I would think really hard about why you want him to make a lot of money - how important is that in a relationship, really?

 

[elrohwen]

I just want to throw something else out there. Your title asked if you just have cold feet. Do you think that''s a possibility? Could you just be nervous about taking such a big step and be looking for things to be wrong with him as a way out? When I got engaged and was going to get married, I had brief moments where I would examine DH and think "Is this the guy I should be with? Are we going to be happy together *forever*?". I did consider these things, just because I like to think everything through and couldn''t help it, but every time I came back with "Yes, this is absolutely the guy I want to marry."

So what I''m say is that yes, this could just be cold feet. Have you felt this way in the past? Or has it only come up since you''ve gotten close to engagement?

 

[HavocBride]

You are clearly a very intelligent, strong woman.

You know what you want, what you don''t want, and what you expect from a marriage. There is nothing wrong with this.

Marriage is more than love. If it were just that simple, divorce wouldn''t be so rampant.

You are making a wise choice to think about this beforehand. You are considering the future, which is what you should be doing. You are recognizing something that may fuel resentment, BEFORE that resentment is formed. In this way, you are protecting BOTH of you from something that would hurt much more further down the road. It is in this that it is clear you love him - you are considering what is, in the end, best for both of you.

I recommend gently bringing this up. Explain that you think now is not the best time. You would like to discuss further, consider longer. Make sure that the is the best choie for both of you. While you are waiting, you should think about everything that concerns you about marriage, and delve into these topics together. (If you don''t think you can do so nicely, I would seek out a neutral mediator to help through the more difficult discussions.) When you feel comfortable is when you should try for another green light.

And in the unfortunate event that you find out it really is not for you, remember: it is better to find out now than it is to find out later.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 1/12/2010 10:42:46 AM
Author: Sugarcicle
I had written a reply last night, and I''m a little miffed that it never posted! Computers.

Our engagement has always hinged on where he stands with his job. He wants to be more stable, and I completely respect this. Initially I thought it would be sometime this spring, but with his job still uncertain, there are no immediate plans for it to happen anytime soon.

Trillionnaire- Youth is definitely not one of our problems. The boy and I are both pushing 30, so if anything, I''d say age is against us. Had I been 21 when I met him, I probably never would have given a second thought to his job or ability to support a family. At 21, I was still in the ''With Love, All Things Are Possible'' camp. At 28, I know love is wonderful and vital to a relationship, but it does NOT make all things possible. Call me jaded, maybe.

A lot of SaltyDog''s comments were actually right on point. I have two degrees, and I''m working on my third. He enjoyed college a little too much, and struggled to get his one. He fell into his job after Katrina, and it''s what he''s been doing ever since. While construction boomed after the storm, it''s completely dried up for the time being and the company is really struggling in this housing market. He''s an extremely hard worker- I''ve never doubted that. But it seems as though he''d be content with any job, as long as it paid the bills, rather than seeking out something he wants to build into a career.

I''m very much a planner- someone who wants to think things through and have a plan of action for when something comes up. He''s the opposite. He takes life one day at a time, and says he''ll deal with problems when they come up. His laid back attitude definitely calms my high-strung self down, but it can also be frustrating. I tried talking to him last night about my fears, and he got very defensive and clammed up. His response was ''You plan your life, I''ll plan mine.'' I tried to explain to him that when we''re together, his job will have an effect on me, so I feel I have a right to worry about it. But I think MY worrying about it just stresses him out more. So the conversation was dropped and I didn''t push anymore.

I might be one of the posters that some others have lambasted and questioned as to why we''re on here. I was upfront in my original post. Being an LIW doesn''t always mean pretty rings and shiny things. Getting engaged and agreeing to marry someone is a life-altering experience. Making that decision involves lots of thought and consideration. I wish it were a happy, cloud-9 type feeling for me. But right now it feels more like a business merger, considering the assets of what each side is bringing to the table, and whether a solid stable partnership will last. I know that''s not romantic, but I''m not a ''sweep-me-off-my-feet'' kind of girl.

The line I highlighted really stuck out to me. When you''re planning to spend the rest of your lives together, what he does impacts you as well as him. If I quit my job and don''t have another one to go to, that impacts my FI very much as well as it does me. When you''re building a future together I believe it''s important to have a firm foundation because so many fights and divorces happen due to finances. I''d reccomend sitting down with him and letting him know that if you plan to get engaged and married, planning your life without any thought to the other just doesn''t work. You need to work together as a team to have a happy marriage and a financially stable future. Either way, you two need to get on the same page about where you both stand financially and how you feel about that. You seem very practical and like you know what you want, which is great. Getting engaged is very romantic but it isn''t all about clouds and rainbows and diamonds. It''s about compatibility, communication, and both partners being committed to building a future together (among other things).

I don''t know what more to say except I think you''re very smart to be thinking about this now and that there is NOTHING wrong with asking these questions. Especially, as if another poster said, it''s more about his lack of responsibility.

 

[Porridge]

It''s COMPLETELY reasonable to be concerned about this. From your posts, it sounds more like it''s his attitude that bothers you rather than the situation itself.

Trust your gut.

 

[Pushin40]

You know, I really admire you for taking a good hard look at the situation and your relationship. The "All you need is love" concept is, in my opinion, pretty irresponsible. It''s just not true.

When you choose your mate, for life, you need to be honest with yourself and make sure the match is what you are looking for and what will make you both happy. Wanting a good life is nothiong to be ashamed of.

I know several women who married less than ambitious men, and vise versa - men marrying wmen who only aspired to be houswives and raise the kids as stay at home mom''s. In the end some of these relationships didn''t work out. Sure it can work out but you both need to feel the same way about it. I think a lot of them had hopes that things would change, that the guy would change. (NOTE - this is in no way, shape, or form a dig to stay at home moms AT ALL. I''m just saying you need to be on the same page......and if you aren''t there will be problems.....I think there is nothing better than being able to say home and be there for your kids!)

You both need to generally want the same things, and this goes further than how much money you make.

Like I always say - forever is a long time....

 

[Sugarcicle]

The boy apologized to me last night for the way he reacted the other night to my concerns. He said he''s just been stressed out about his job, and so ME stressing out about it just added pressure. I told him it was something we still needed to talk about, but whenever he''s ready. So, we will see what happens.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/13/2010 10:33:40 AM
Author: Sugarcicle
The boy apologized to me last night for the way he reacted the other night to my concerns. He said he''s just been stressed out about his job, and so ME stressing out about it just added pressure. I told him it was something we still needed to talk about, but whenever he''s ready. So, we will see what happens.

That''s good, Sugarcicle.

I really admire that you are putting so much thought into the future of your relationship. When you''re in a relationship, it''s very difficult to take the rose-colored love goggles off, and look at your mate for what he or she truly is. If he really wants to build a future with you, he needs to take a hard look at his own life and choices he has made and is currently making.

Honestly, I think you should consider talking with your BF about holding off on getting engaged until you feel more "ready". You don''t want to get engaged while you''re having reservations about your relationship.

I''m going to assume it''s normal to have those "Are you sure?" moments, like elrohwen said, because I''ve had a few since before/getting engaged. But those are cold-feet moments ("Can I live with him not putting the toilet seat down for the rest of my life" type of stuff), they aren''t moments where you are questioning the ability to be with someone because of who they are. One of my favorite quotes goes something like "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". You know who your BF is, and only you can decide whether or not you''re prepared to live with that for the rest of your life.

Good luck hun

 

[charbie]

speaking as someone who has been in your shoes, you need to hold off on the pending engagement! here is my story:

my exbf and i were together for 4 years, starting in high school. he was "the love of my life"- made me feel great, was so sweet to me, and overall just an honest great guy. my family loved him, and we were pretty sure marriage was in our future.
but much like you, something just didn''t feel right. i was an ambitious girl, going to a 4 yr university, travelling the world, and looking to have a great job out of school. he barely was going to graduate from high school, worked for a moving company, and eventually went on to become an EMT/firefighter.
i enjoy being the BEST at whatever i can do. he had a very "ho-hum" attitude about life, had no goals to move up in his position, and i realized that fundamentally we had a huge hurdle to get over. eventually, i realized that his lack of ambition (not his lack of funds, that wasn''t my issue at all) but the fact that he was content with just being "average" made us a bad fit.

i''m very happy to report that now i''m married to a wonderful man who has huge life goals like i do. he recently got a new job that has upward growth potential, and we both see ourselves as successful people!

 

[4ever]

I thik it''s right to put the engagment on hold untill things have sorted themselves out. Money is a major reason for marriges breaking up so you really need to sort out any issues you have with his job and income before making that comitment.

I delayed getting engaged for similar reasons. BF moved to a new country in the peak of the resession and couldn''t find work for much longer than expected and when he did get a job, he was way overqualified and underpaid for it. We planned to stay with my parents untill he had a job but when he got employed he wasn''t making enough to support us both on our own because I was a student and couldn''t contribute anything that way. Prior to all this, we bought a ring planning to get engaged soon.

He has a better job now with more prospects for promotion but he''s still earning way less than he would be if he had stayed in the UK. I''ve graduated uni and am looking for a job. Once I get one, we''ll be able to move out and start getting this proposal and our lives together back on track.

I think your doing the right thing by stepping back. things will eventually get back on track but it takes time.