Changing your name

[monkeyprincess]

Although we''re not at that point yet, has anyone considered whether you will be taking your future husband''s last name when you get married? I had a conversation about this with some friends, and the opinions were very different. I have no particular attachment to my last name (it is pretty common), and I like the idea of becoming a family and having the same last name as my future children, so I will be taking my boyfriend''s last name when we get married. He has said he would prefer me to take his name, but he wouldn''t mind if I kept my last name. The only thing he wouldn''t like is a hyphenated name.

Many of my friends feel attachment to their names or feel like they have had accomplishments (degrees/articles published) under their last name and don''t want to lose their identity just because they are getting married. I completely respect this. It seems like a lot of people are planning on taking on their husband''s last name as a second last name, so they can use them interchangeably. Just curious what others are planning on doing.

 

[luckynumber]

i would never change my name, it''s my identity.

i have professional registration, membership of societies, awards, scientifice publications and 3 (soon to be 4) degrees in my name.

never mind the principle behind it, it would be a huge hassle to change my name anyway!

SO knows i wont change it already.

 

[vc10um]

I''ll be taking A''s last name when we get married.

Mostly for the reasons you mentioned, but also because I hate that my last name comes from my father, a man from whom I''ve been estranged since I was 14, and I am very excited to get rid of it.

I also really love A''s family, and I''m very excited to have my last name represent that I''ll become a part of their family, too.

 

[fuzzers]

My friends and I were talking about this the other day. I''m a little conflicted it. On one hand, I''m attached to my last name. But, hypenating our names or anything like that would sound awful.

I would not just keep it the way it is either because that would cause confusion when we have kids. I know I''ll end up just taking his name.

I have a very small family, so my brother will be the one left to carry on the last name! Oy.

 

[MrsHToBe]

It''s probably evident given my username, but I''ll be taking Mr. H''s name when we marry. I don''t use my legal last name (my Mum''s maiden), and my assumed name (which I''ve been using since I was 5.. and, just found out hadn''t been legally changed in April) is already hyphenated, so it would be weird adding yet another hyphen. Also, our DD has Mr. H''s last name, so it makes more sense to me to take his.

 

[SparklyRing]

Great thread! I recently had this discussion with some friends.

For as long as I remember, I have always been against changing my name upon marriage for a number of reasons.

The most important is a cultural one, since I am of Vietnamese origin and women in Vietnamese culture do not change their last names. Since my wedding will be an American one (white gown instead of traditional red tunic, among other things) and since my husband will also be American, I'd like to keep some part of my culture and heritage when it comes to the marriage traditions.

Also, I've always had a close relationship with my father. I love both of my parents, but my father was definitely the parent that really shaped who I am today and I want to keep my last name out of love, respect, and recognition for him.

There's also the identity part. My last name is who I am. It reveals my origin and heritage and I don't want to give it up. And, as some of the ladies have stated, I have degrees, awards, and scholarly memberships in my name.

My BF comes from a traditional Anglo-American family where all women assume their husband's last names upon marriage. At first, he was a little disappointed that I didn't want to take his name. Although he was not upset, I could tell that he would prefer that I take his name. However,he is very supportive about it now.

 

[babycush]

I change my mind about once a week. M told me that he really wants me to take his name, and I know that our kids will definitely have his name, but it''s so hard to think of giving up the name that I''ve had my whole life. I think it really depends on whether we get married before I graduate, because once I''m known as "Dr. Maidenname", it would be a huge hassle to change it!

 

[lilyfoot]

This is a topic I''m very conflicted about. On one hand, I know I want us to share a last name with each other and our future children, but I don''t want to ''give up'' my maiden name because it''s a last name from my ethnicity. I don''t "look" Hispanic to most people, so I feel like my last name is practically all I''ve got!

BF''s father passed away a few years ago, and since he was his only son, there''s no way I could ask him to change his last name to mine.

Our names are both long (mine 9 letters, his 7 letters), so hyphenation would be kind of ridiculous I think. Neither of us is very keen on the hyphenation idea anyway.

I''m considering taking my maiden name as my middle name, and his last name as my last name but I''m not sure about that idea either.

gah

 

[AllieGator]

I''m going to keep my last name, but drop my middle name and take his last name in it''s place. Although I don''t have any great accomplishments to my name, I''ve always felt weird about losing my last name...changing my name doesn''t fit me, but I can totally understand and be enthusiastic for when women change their name. By taking the name as a middle name, I can write it out if we have children, so we''ll have a common family name, but I''ll also have my name as my legal name. Also, our children would have his last name.

 

[HopeDream]

I''ll be taking his last name, but because I like it and it sounds good with my first name, not out of societal obligation.

I want to share a name with him (I''m sure he''d be open to taking my name If I asked - he''s that kind of guy).

My birth last name is very french and hard to say correctly and spell (2 silent letters at the end, 3 vowels in a row etc. - realy a big mess!), and I don''t speak french, so it''s a weird last name to have. My two middle names are from women on my mom''s and dad''s sides of the family, so I''d much rather keep them as my birth family connection and and ditch the last name.

If I didn''t like his last name so much, I''d keep my own.

(I used the term birth last name because I think "maiden" name sounds dumb, I''m not adopted).

My undergrad will have my birth last name, but I hope I''ll have his last name when I get a masters.

 

[caribqueen]

I''ll be taking my FI''s last name. I work in a profession where your name is your everything because of the type of business it is. So many women I know in my industry will continue to use their God-given name for the job but still change their last name officially and use it in life outside of work. It''s like having a stage name. It works just fine in that industry.

But it''s not so easy for other industries. My cousin who''s a doctor got married after she was already practicing, so she hyphenated her name because of her kids. But she says it''s a pain when travelling with her children.

 

[misskitty]

Definitely taking his name. I love my family, but I''m ditching the maiden name. It''s long and hard to spell/pronounce, so that makes the decision to change my name a little bit easier. I''m definitely open to keeping my maiden name as a middle name, though.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

My mom didn't change her name, and honestly we never had any confusion or complications over it, and she took me traveling too. I don't think it's as huge a hassle as some may think it is.

I didn't change names for cultural and professional reasons. But I don't really think there is a right or wrong choice, it just depends on your preferences.

Hehe, if people look at me funny for having a different name as my kid, I'll just tell them that Chinese women don't traditionally change names (which is true). So it will be a teaching opportunity

 

[babycush]

Date: 12/13/2009 8:08:53 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I''ll just tell them that Chinese women don''t traditionally change names (which is true).

How interesting, I never knew that! I know that in some cultures women aren''t given middle names when they are born because the maiden name becomes their middle name when they get married.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I already have my degree, residency certificate, license, and board certification under my name, so I think it would be too much of a hassle to change it professionally.

I thinks I am going to add his name onto my name and use my last name professionally and his last name personally.

My BF doesn''t actually like his last name, so he said he would have no problem with the kids taking mine....except that his father would be livid.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 12/13/2009 8:56:11 PM
Author: babycush

How interesting, I never knew that! I know that in some cultures women aren't given middle names when they are born because the maiden name becomes their middle name when they get married.

Hehe, yeah well, it's because once we got married, we would be formally/publically addressed as "Wife of X" Also, we don't have first and last names like Americans do, where you typically call each other on a first name basis. Our name is kind of one unit (family name comes first, then given name), and we're never called by our "first name" alone, so it seems strange to change part of it, especially since many people's names involve clever word play with homonyms.

It's like if your entire name was Madonna, then got married, and changed it to Smithonna.

 

[4ever]

I''ll probably take his. He want''s me to, our future kids would have his name and i''d like to have the same, it''s a very common name so won''t get mispronounced like my last name does. It just makes the most sence.

There is a small part of me that feels really sad to get rind of my family name all together though, I love my family and this has been my name forever and I like it and it is much more unusual then BFs last name. I think about how difficult it would be for people to find us in the phone book with his last name, and how many other people will have the same name as me.

 

[UnderBlue]

Right after we met, my boyfriend said he''d never ask someone to give up their name. He''d rather change his name than ask someone to do that. That''s one reason why I love him.

I would never give up my last name. I like my name the way it is now. It''s who I''ve been for almost 27 years. Why should I give that up? I couldn''t marry a man who got angry or upset becasue I didn''t want to change my name.

We will be just as much a family as anyone else even though our last names don''t match.

 

[CurlySue]

I plan to take his name. Both my first and last name are extremely, extremely common so I am actually looking forward to taking his last name. I''ll probably drop my given middle name and make my current last name my middle name.

 

[mariewest]

I''m going to take my SO''s last name when we get married. I''m just traditional like that. I want our kids to share our last name as a family. I like my last name, as it has been a part of who I am for all of my life, but a name isn''t all of what I am. I''m excited to take his name and start a family of our own. I know this discussion can get pretty heated, but I think it''s fine with whatever a couple wants to do.

 

[ts44]

I'm glad this topic came up because I was just having a discussion with my sister about this. I don't really want to take Fiance's last name, for several reasons:

-My father has no sons so nobody will be "carrying on his name" and also, I love my family and family name.
-My family name is a good one for business in the area I live in, it is well-known and the name is distinctive and memorable.
-And the most petty reason: because his mother hates me, and I don't want to have the same name as her "Mrs. X." Yuck. Thanks to her, his family has not been the most welcoming that they could be where I am concerned, and the engagement has only made it worse.

However, fiance REALLY wants me to take his name. Badly. Like, he was astonished it was even an option not to take it. He would never be angry with me if I didn't take it, but it would sadden him, which of course I don't want to do.

Still not sure what to do about it.

 

[LilyKat]

Yes, definitely. I like his last name better in any case, but I mainly just love the tradition of becoming one family and sharing a name. Also, if we ever do have children, I'd want us all to have the same name.

All my friends who have married so far have changed their names, despite each having multiple degrees, publications and medical council registration. Yes, I'm sure it will be a hassle, but I don't care

That said, in the UK it's pretty difficult to have different names for professional and social purposes (as a doctor your registered name must be what is on your passport, and your bank cards, payslips etc must also be the same, so not really sure how that would work here).

 

[Callisto]

Yeah I''ve thought a lot about this as well recently, even though I have plenty of time before we get married to make a decision.

I had always grown up thinking I would change my last name when I got married (especially since I really didn''t like my last name as a kid - there is a slang term embedded in my name that make it just slightly embarrassing at times) but the older I get the weirder that idea seems. Granted I''ll probably still change it to his, mostly because of wanting the same last name as our children and REFUSING to hyphenate, but it will take a lot of getting used to.

I can totally understand wanting to keep your own name, its crossed my mind more than a few times. We''ll see maybe I''ll change my stance on the subject within the next year or two.

 

[crossmyfingers]

It''s good to see so many different views on this. Seems like everyone has different reasons and they''re all interesting.

I plan to take BF''s last name. I love his last name and I love the idea of us sharing a last name. I''ve never liked my own last name, and my dad is the only one in his entire family with that last name anyway, so if I kept it it would just be Dad''s last name, not a family name. It''s hard to spell and pronounce, and he wouldn''t want me to keep his last name anyway.

BF''s last name is great and sounds great with my first name. It''s simple and easy to spell but uncommon. I''m excited about taking it, not just for that but also because I personally like the tradition and want to have that sense of family with our last names and our future children''s last names all being the same.

Christmas makes me all lovey-dovey, and now after writing this post I''m sitting here smiling about it all. Haha.

 

[Lofi]

Date: 12/14/2009 2:57:40 PM
Author: crossmyfingers
It''s good to see so many different views on this. Seems like everyone has different reasons and they''re all interesting.

I plan to take BF''s last name. I love his last name and I love the idea of us sharing a last name. I''ve never liked my own last name, and my dad is the only one in his entire family with that last name anyway, so if I kept it it would just be Dad''s last name, not a family name. It''s hard to spell and pronounce, and he wouldn''t want me to keep his last name anyway.

BF''s last name is great and sounds great with my first name. It''s simple and easy to spell but uncommon. I''m excited about taking it, not just for that but also because I personally like the tradition and want to have that sense of family with our last names and our future children''s last names all being the same.

Christmas makes me all lovey-dovey, and now after writing this post I''m sitting here smiling about it all. Haha.

So sweet I love your reasons for taking his last name... Especially the family element. I feel the same way!

I am taking FI''s last name becuase it means A LOT to both of us! I think what''s made me even more comfortable with it is that my middle name is a family name too... my grandma''s maiden name, in fact. And I love it even more than my last name! Another thing that is great is both of our last name''s are 5 letters and two syllabels, so I don''t think it will be that big of an adjustment... One major plus is that I get to move up the alphabet.

 

[stepcutgirl]

I''ll be Laurel Maiden name BF''f last name. My mom and sister both kept their maiden names and just changed them to their middle names and I''ll be doing the same. It keeps the family name you came from while you also become the name of the family you are joining. I like it.

 

[ladypirate]

I hate the idea that I would have to change my name and he wouldn''t, and I REALLY hate the idea that any children we have would automatically get his name. Just rankles. The compromise we''ve made is that we are each taking both names (not hyphenated, but still 2 last names) and will pass both onto our kids. If they want to only use one or change it later, that''s up to them.

 

[AllieGator]

Date: 12/14/2009 7:05:42 PM
Author: ladypirate
I hate the idea that I would have to change my name and he wouldn''t, and I REALLY hate the idea that any children we have would automatically get his name. Just rankles. The compromise we''ve made is that we are each taking both names (not hyphenated, but still 2 last names) and will pass both onto our kids. If they want to only use one or change it later, that''s up to them.

I totally agree, ladypirate. It does bother me a bit that in this modern day and age, it''s still assumed that they automatically get the man''s name, and that it''s sometimes seen as "weird" if they don''t follow that. If my last name and his last name wouldn''t sound bad hyphenated, I would be all for it, and unfortunately, my last name does not work as a middle name. It just doesn''t make total sense that now, when we know that the child is 50% genetically the mother''s, AND we have equal rights, that its like that. But, unfortunately, it doesn''t seem that it will change any time soon.

Plus, I''m pretty sure that his father would be very offended if they didn''t take the last name, and I''d rather not put dear BF in that situation.

 

[UnderBlue]

Date: 12/14/2009 1:23:36 PM
Author: ts44
However, fiance REALLY wants me to take his name. Badly. Like, he was astonished it was even an option not to take it. He would never be angry with me if I didn''t take it, but it would sadden him, which of course I don''t want to do.


Still not sure what to do about it.

It sounds like he is pretty attached to his name and has a lot of feelings associated with it, etc. He needs to understand that all the feelings he has attached to his last name are the same ones you have attached to your last name, maybe telling him that will help him realize. Or tell him to change his name to yours and see what his reaction is and show him that that''s how it feels for you.

-----

A question to those wanting the same name as their children: What happens if you ever remarry? Any children won''t have the same last name as you anymore, assuming you''d take the man''s name again. Doesn''t that negate the logic that having the same last name makes a family?

It really makes me angry that men are allowed/expected to go through life with the name they''re given at birth, while women are supposed to change their name based on who they''re married to. How is that not being treated like property? If it''s about taking the name of the family you''re joining, then he needs to take your family''s name too.

 

[katomm]

I''m changing mine and actually already have on a few things. My father and I have not spoken in 14 years, we never got along anyway. So I have no attachment to my last name. Plus, it''s Irish and I look more hispanic or italian. My new last name isn''t of any origin really and it''s shorter.