ceremony "i do" kiss... need suggestions

[lovehersomuch]

ceremony "i do" kiss... need suggestions

my fiancee and i are getting married on feb 7th and it is quickly approaching! im pakistani and she is american - i was born in the US but my family especially my parents and some other uncles and aunts are conservative muslim. im getting really nervous about the wedding coming up because i dont know what to do with the ceremony "i do" kiss. we don''t kiss in public in islam and i know it wont go well with my family if i do it on the wedding ceremony.

i have a couple of options that i thought of so far... first off, i''m trying to convince my fiancee to take the kiss out completely and then there would be no issues. we can do something else instead like exchange flowers or something i dont know... does anyone have any suggestions? the kiss would be just a peck and i dont think even a kiss on the cheek is going to go well either.

my parents have gone to american weddings before really and it was tough on my dad for me to marry outside my ethnicity/culture etc. so i dont want it to be tougher on him with him seeing all this. i thought maybe i can have some cousins and a pair of aunts that im good with and my elder aunt and uncle which are my dads and moms brother and sister be at the ceremony and invite the other 10 or so people after the ceremony so they will arrive during the cocktail hour. i know this sounds messed up.. we actually did have a cultural pakistani wedding over a week ago so at least they were apart of that. my brothers will be there and they will be my groomsmen. i know this may not look good to my fiancees family but i hope they understand.

i wish i was looking forward to my wedding but i just really want it to go smoothly and be over with... i dont want any family drama or anything.. stinks to say that.

so do you have any suggestions or anything or any ideas on what we can do if we did omit the kiss?

thanks!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I honestly think that if she had a Pakistani ceremony because of your culture that you should be able to kiss her at the "american" wedding because of her culture. To me if that was left out I would be devestated. It''s the first affection you show as a married couple and therefor I think should be included.

 

[lliang_chi]

I''d see if your fiancee is open to not having the kiss. Perhaps you can hug or snuggle, but no kissing. I''d do that after the officiant introduces you as Mr & Mrs. If you do decide to do that, MAKE SURE you tell your officiant to NOT say "you may kiss the bride." But I''d also not substitute it with like a flower exchange or something. Then it''s like really pointing out that it''s missing.

If it were me, I''d understand if you were to ask me to omit the kiss.

 

[luvinlife]

I understand your concern. Eventhough it is an "American" ceremony, there are still cultural customs that are important to abide by. How about hands holding down the aisle? In my opinion, so what if you are not kissing in front of everyone. An initimate kiss with you just the two of your is just as special. Good luck!

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/31/2008 12:48:23 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I honestly think that if she had a Pakistani ceremony because of your culture that you should be able to kiss her at the ''american'' wedding because of her culture. To me if that was left out I would be devestated. It''s the first affection you show as a married couple and therefor I think should be included.

I agree with Smurfy.

BUT- I can see how this might really offend your more conservative family members. I think a hug is a good compromise.

 

[lovehersomuch]

i meant to say my fam hasnt really been to an american wedding before..

anyhow... i really want to get married and be happy and not have to worry about lingering affects on ppl and how they feel. also i know some ppl that see the kiss may say things behind my back or it wont go well with them or they will feel disrespected so i dont want to deal with that crap. honestly if it was just her and me id do it or even just her fam.

but i think if i dont even tell my parents about the ceremony and have them come in for the reception that would look bad for my family. and there may probably be family probs between mine fam and hers since they missed the ceremony. even if some cousins and other another aunt and uncle that are more open minded are there... it wont be the same.

i think the hug after the officiant announces us husband and wife sounds like a good idea and we can hold hands walking down the aisle. trust me i hate that i have to ask her to do this instead of the kiss. i really do. i wish i didnt have to.

 

[Gypsy]

When you get married you become each other''s family. You put each other''s needs ahead of everyone elses. That''s one of the foundations of marriage. This applies to Islam as well

What you are suggesting puts your family ahead of her. On her wedding day. This sets a bad precedent for your marriage. As your wife, I would be beyond upset. Not because of the kiss, but because you would be putting your family''s feelings ahead of mine on a day that is about the two of us.

Personally, I would just tell your family there is going to be a kiss. That they can attend or not, their decision. And leave it at that. I would not put my wife in this position by asking her to do this.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 12/31/2008 4:41:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
When you get married you become each other''s family. You put each other''s needs ahead of everyone elses. That''s one of the foundations of marriage. This applies to Islam as well

What you are suggesting puts your family ahead of her. On her wedding day. This sets a bad precedent for your marriage. As your wife, I would be beyond upset. Not because of the kiss, but because you would be putting your family''s feelings ahead of mine on a day that is about the two of us.

Personally, I would just tell your family there is going to be a kiss. That they can attend or not, their decision. And leave it at that. I would not put my wife in this position by asking her to do this.

ITA with Gypsy on this one for the same reasons.

Our daughter (Canadian) married her Greek Orthodox fiance. His family is very strict about tradition, but since the age of two he has lived in Canada and is a Canadian citizen.

That said, there was one part of the Greek/ Canadian ceremony that hit home with me. The priest announced that they were now "their own kingdom" and as such, decisions should be made by them and not by anyone else.

I''m almost certain that your fiancee will expect a kiss (however chaste) on the lips. Marriages are sealed with kisses in most cases and that kiss before the officiant signifies that it is is "a done deal".

Your allegiance/ alliance is first to your wife, and then to your family, not the reverse.

With the wedding so close, I''m wondering why this subject of a kiss has not been discussed...

 

[Sabine]

This is a tough situation. I totally agree with Gypsy that you shouldn''t be putting your family in front of your wife. This is a decision the two of you need to make together. However, if you talk to her and she is okay with not doing the kiss, then I think it would be fine to leave it out. What does your FI think? If you do end up doing the kiss, I think it would be very smart to let your family know ahead of time and let them choose if they would want to witness it or not.

 

[Allison D.]

I don''t see where it''s already been said that his fiance has objected to omitting it or even has a problem with it. I see the poster thinking out loud wondering what her family might think.

That said, though, I disagree that omitting the kiss puts his family ahead of her. She is becoming part of that family now, and he is becoming part of hers. If I were the bride in this situation, I''m not sure I''d choose to make my entry into the family in a way that my in-laws might find deeply offensive or disrespectful.

LHSM, I''d suggest that you take a moment to run it by your fiance and her family; if they understand that it may be seen as disrespectful or offensive, I''m sure they''ll understand that omitting the kiss doesn''t in any way signify a lack of appropriate emotion on your part toward marrying your fiance.

 

[Sha]

If she''s your fiancee she should already be familiar with the dos and don''ts of Pakistani culture already, shouldn''t she? Or perhaps you haven''t discussed this particular issue with her?

If not, I agree that you should discuss it with her first and see how she feels. If I were marrying you and wanted to be respectful of your and your family''s discomfort in a situation like this, I would probably be okay leaving it out. I don''t think marriages are sealed with a kiss.....that''s such a public show of affection after the fact, IMO. I reallly don''t think it should be a problem if you leave it out, if your fiancee is okay with this, and I don''t think you reallly need to substitute it for anything else. If you leave it out, just have the Officiant say, "We now introduce xxxxxx and xxxxxx" and then you can just face your guests smiling, and walk holding hands down the aisle. I doubt anybody would really miss it. And they''d be too busy watching you walk down the aisle or taking pictures or congratulating you. If you do some kind of substiitute for the kiss in that moment, like a flower exchange, it will seem to obvious that a kiss is forbidden, and people may start commenting on it.

 

[Inanna]

Date: 12/31/2008 4:41:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
When you get married you become each other''s family. You put each other''s needs ahead of everyone elses. That''s one of the foundations of marriage. This applies to Islam as well

What you are suggesting puts your family ahead of her. On her wedding day. This sets a bad precedent for your marriage. As your wife, I would be beyond upset. Not because of the kiss, but because you would be putting your family''s feelings ahead of mine on a day that is about the two of us.

Personally, I would just tell your family there is going to be a kiss. That they can attend or not, their decision. And leave it at that. I would not put my wife in this position by asking her to do this.

Well said and I agree 100%.

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/31/2008 6:48:31 PM
Author: Inanna

Date: 12/31/2008 4:41:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
When you get married you become each other''s family. You put each other''s needs ahead of everyone elses. That''s one of the foundations of marriage. This applies to Islam as well

What you are suggesting puts your family ahead of her. On her wedding day. This sets a bad precedent for your marriage. As your wife, I would be beyond upset. Not because of the kiss, but because you would be putting your family''s feelings ahead of mine on a day that is about the two of us.

Personally, I would just tell your family there is going to be a kiss. That they can attend or not, their decision. And leave it at that. I would not put my wife in this position by asking her to do this.

Well said and I agree 100%.

Double ditto. I would be incredibly disappointed if my fiance suggested this. The wedding is about the two of you and not your family. They have to understand and be tolerant, that if they are to live in America and attend an American wedding, they are going to view aspects of American culture and that is a kiss during the ceremony.

Let them know what will happen, and they can decide for themselves if they still want to attend.

For me, the first kiss as husband and wife is one of the most special parts of a wedding ceremony, and one that I dream about when I think about my upcoming wedding. There is no way I would forgoe that special moment for the sake of my guests beliefs.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 12/31/2008 5:31:07 PM
Author: Sabine
This is a tough situation. I totally agree with Gypsy that you shouldn''t be putting your family in front of your wife. This is a decision the two of you need to make together. However, if you talk to her and she is okay with not doing the kiss, then I think it would be fine to leave it out. What does your FI think? If you do end up doing the kiss, I think it would be very smart to let your family know ahead of time and let them choose if they would want to witness it or not.

I agree with Sabine. I think that it isn''t necessarily a given that your FI will insist on the kiss. Perhaps she won''t mind omitting it. Talk to her and figure it out together and if there will be a kiss, give your family the choice of attending the ceremony and witnessing the kiss or only coming to the reception. Then whatever the result of that, explain it to your future in-laws together. I''m pretty sure they''d be understanding of cultural sensitivities, too.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Personally, I do not care one way or the other for the superficial kiss. If my fiance asked me to not kiss in front of everyone at the church, I''d ask him why and then say sure, no problem. In fact, it might be kind of fun to have our first kiss be a really long deep one after we walk out the door and we''re alone for two seconds. I like the idea of a secret, just for us kiss!

I''m just throwing it out there as a differing point of view - it''s not a big deal to everyone. If I went to a wedding of a person from another culture, and they didn''t kiss at the end of the ceremony, I would assume it was a cultural choice and not think about it again, just like going to an Indian wedding and seeing henna on her hands or a German wedding and doing that looooooong follow the leader dance. People do things differently, and everyone else can just get over it.


This is a decision for the two of you to make together. If it means a lot to her to kiss you, then you will have to reach a compromise. Don''t assume it''s going to be a big issue though.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

LHSM, have you and your FI considered talking to your photographer about a "First Look" session right before the American Ceremony? If you have already had a Pakistani ceremony, are you two already legally married?

If you do a "First Look" session, the photographer gets some pictures of only the two of you before the ceremony. These include the first time you see her in her bridal gown and often some of the more symbolic pictures like the rings, the bouquet with the two of you kissing in the background, and your last "single" kiss.

If you would rather, why not have these photos taken after the ceremony. This way she can still document her first married kiss and your family wouldn''t have to witness it.

I agree with the poster who said that if you discuss it with your fiance/bride, most women would rather not join their new family with anyone feeling resentful or disrespected. FWIW, if I knew how important it was and that it could potentially affect the way my future family would view my new marriage, I would be okay forgoing the kiss. There will be many other times that your bride will have to show respect and reverence to your family if your marriage is to be successful for the rest of your days. And there will be many times that you will have to bend your ways as well to fit in with her family. Please make sure that if you do skip the kiss that you discuss it with your officiant so that there is no ackward moment when they say You May Kiss The Bride.

Good Luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage!

 

[girlie-girl]

Were the bride''s parents included in the Pakistani cultural wedding? I know nothing of the customs with those but were they consulted in case anything offended them during that ceremony? Perhaps it''s irrelevant, but I think you should show both families the same levels of respect. If her parents had no input or say on what happened during the cultural ceremony, I tend to feel that yours should not have any say over the "American" ceremony.

I understand not wanting to cause strife from the get go when you join a family, but I also feel your wife should come before your family. So, having said that, you and your fiancé are the only two who can decide what will be best for you.

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/1/2009 6:38:55 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
LHSM, have you and your FI considered talking to your photographer about a ''First Look'' session right before the American Ceremony? If you have already had a Pakistani ceremony, are you two already legally married?


If you do a ''First Look'' session, the photographer gets some pictures of only the two of you before the ceremony. These include the first time you see her in her bridal gown and often some of the more symbolic pictures like the rings, the bouquet with the two of you kissing in the background, and your last ''single'' kiss.


If you would rather, why not have these photos taken after the ceremony. This way she can still document her first married kiss and your family wouldn''t have to witness it.


I agree with the poster who said that if you discuss it with your fiance/bride, most women would rather not join their new family with anyone feeling resentful or disrespected. FWIW, if I knew how important it was and that it could potentially affect the way my future family would view my new marriage, I would be okay forgoing the kiss. There will be many other times that your bride will have to show respect and reverence to your family if your marriage is to be successful for the rest of your days. And there will be many times that you will have to bend your ways as well to fit in with her family. Please make sure that if you do skip the kiss that you discuss it with your officiant so that there is no ackward moment when they say You May Kiss The Bride.


Good Luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage!

The first kiss didn''t mean much to me, and I agree with the posters who said that they would rather not join their new family with feelings of disrespect. You should put your wife first, but the two of you don''t exist in a bubble and compromising with each other and family makes the ride much more smooth. Have you discussed it with your intended?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/31/2008 4:41:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
When you get married you become each other''s family. You put each other''s needs ahead of everyone elses. That''s one of the foundations of marriage. This applies to Islam as well

What you are suggesting puts your family ahead of her. On her wedding day. This sets a bad precedent for your marriage. As your wife, I would be beyond upset. Not because of the kiss, but because you would be putting your family''s feelings ahead of mine on a day that is about the two of us.

Personally, I would just tell your family there is going to be a kiss. That they can attend or not, their decision. And leave it at that. I would not put my wife in this position by asking her to do this.

Ditto to this. I would talk to your family and tell them that there will be a short kiss at the end of the ceremony. If they''re familiar with American pop culture at all I''m sure they''re aware of this tradition already. And if not, you can explain it to them calmly and just let them know that''s how it is.

I''m also wondering what your fiancee thinks about leaving the kiss out? If it''s important to her then I think her wishes need to come before your family''s wishes.

 

[nrayan]

hi.. i am a muslim girl and i have been to MANY muslim weddings so i know where you are coming from.

most of the time the kiss is on the cheek or on the forehead or even on the hand. i think all of these are sweet and you can still be respectful to your family.