can i propose without a ring?

[guapo]

I have been living with my girlfriend for a couple years and we are both very comfortable with our commitment to each other and are in no rush for marriage or kids. i have however been told in no uncertain terms that i am not allowed to pick out a ring without the aid of my girlfriend. given this pre-requisite and given that i have been out of work for a couple years and have no savings, i don''t have a ring to propose with.

However, i am just now going back to work full time, and given that we are going away on vacation in a couple weeks...well, i''m thinking it''s a good time to ask her to marry me. Again, not necessarily setting a date any time soon or anything but officially acknowledging that we intend to marry each other when the time is right.

Is it acceptable to ask her to marry me and then begin looking at rings together while i secure necessary financing and all that?

Any thoughts on items i can substitute for a ring? besides the cliched toy or candy ring?

any help or links to past threads with similar discussion i might have missed would be greatly appreciated.

thanks!

 

[lsmathis1]

I think it's absolutely acceptable to propose without a ring. It will be exciting for you two to go together when you are financially stable.

As far as substitution, would you want it to be something she would wear or could it be something like else she could just keep to remember it by? I'll be thinking on this...

 

[glitterata]

What's her birthstone? If it's something affordable (garnet, amethyst), maybe get her a ring or bracelet or pendant with it? After she gets the "real" ring, she can wear it on a different finger.

Or: Do you have a sentimental heirloom--a ring or piece of jewelry from your grandmother, for example?

 

[guapo]

her birthstone is pearl (modern) or alexandrite (?) so no real help there.

no heirlooms either.

I'm a writer and write screenplays in my spare time (which i've had a lot of recently) and was actually considering writing a proposal "scene" in the screenplay i'm working on and having her read it on the beach to get her opinion on it.

anyway, i'd like to have something to offer her that she could wear or keep.

 

[mostlywatching]

My fiancee and I were engaged for just over a year before I got my ring. It was a spontaneous proposal in the car on a rainy day. He wasn't in a position financially to run out and get a huge diamond, which I completely understood.


He didn't give me anything as a substitute, we just announced it to the family as it was, a committment, not an occasion for jewelry.


Of course, now that I have the ring, I can't stop looking at it. And my mom said I'd waited long enough for a pretty bauble.


If you're set on getting her something to wear/keep...


My birthstone is pearl (alexandrite) too. Alexandrite is pretty inexpensive, but I hate it and don't really acknowledge it as my birthstone. This may not be the case with your girlfriend, it's just my two cents.


Is there something sentimental (or an inside joke) between you two that you could turn into a physical gift? Would she wear a locket with pictures or a nice engraving inside? There are endless options for inexpensive but elegant jewelry, if you want a reminder of the actual proposal.

 

[BTO]

Its absolutely ok to propose without a ring. Especially when she wants to be a part of selecting the ring herself.

But I think it would be a sweet gesture to give her something special to commorate that day. Being a writer, I'm guessing you have real knack with words. So perhaps you could get her a bracelet, pendant, or locket with a few words or the date inscribed. Places like Mondera and Bluenile have some lovely and inexpensive sterling silver items that would work nicely.

Just some ideas and my 2 cents.

brandy

 

[guapo]

thanks for the comforting insight.

here's my new idea, in line with the inside joke thing. we tend to be more of a wacky goofy couple than an overly romantic one, so i like the idea of doing something fun.

when i first started telling my girlfriend I loved her, she tormented me for a week or so by replying, "I love juice".

good times, right?

anyway, where we are going on vacation is nantucket island, home of...nantucket nectars juices. I thought I could print up a special label with the proposal and maybe even a cap since they have funny things under the caps. there's a nantucket nectars shop on the island and i could coordinate something with them. that could be fun. and i could maybe get her a trinket or something to go with it.

does that sound completely lame?

 

[BTO]

I think that juice idea is fantastic. Not only is it sweet (no pun intended

), but its a saying that's special specifically to the two of you. Very cool.

Although, being one-half of a goofy couple myself, I'm a little partial! This is too funny, at lunch today I bought my husband a birthday card at Hallmark that reads:
outside: "a good relationship is one part tenderness and two parts goofiness"
inside: "i love you. happy birthday"

My lame detector is reading zero. Definitely look into the juice idea!

brandy

 

[mostlywatching]

That's wonderfully sweet. If you can coordinate it w/ the actual juice guys, all the better. I like the idea of having it under the cap more than the label, but you'll work it all out.



I thought my fiancee had a corner on the goofiness market. For example, he likes to swipe crayons (meant for kids) from the hostess table at restaurants, and color napkins and coasters. He drew a geometric doodle on a coaster and gave it to me as a present. I asked him to sign it and promptly got a frame for it. I've had a framed coaster for almost five years now, and it still sits high on the bookcase in our apartment.



I think that these sorts of things are more special than flowers and sunsets and diamonds, since they highlight how perfectly you two work together. Good luck.

 

[chialea]

Another vote for the juice idea, if you can pull it off. My SO and read rather high on the goofiness scale ourselves, and it sounds great to us

I don't think you can go wrong with something engraved, as well. It's a nice thing to have around as a keepsake, if nothing more.

 

[guapo]

ok, late breaking development.

i've come into a bit of unforseen money (about 1/4 of what i'm looking to spend on the ring).

should i use this to get maybe a placeholder ring? that maybe we could exchange or something? or maybe buy a diamond with it and say there's more on the way or?

thoughts ideas?

or should i just squirrel the money away let her know we're 25% of the way there?

I just really can't get comfortable with this. i almost broke down and got a $500 diamond necklace from Zales today just because i want her to have something. but then i'm like, that's $500 that could go to the ring (on top of the new money).

just don't know what to do. i'm trying not to stress out over it because i'm pretty confident my girlfriend won't care one way or the other, but it is something i want her to have a lasting great memory of and not just a goofy recollection of. and i don't want her to have to remember that i proposed to her with some crappy zales necklace.

 

[gingerBcookie]

I think the juice idea is absolutely adorable

...esp the under the cap thing if you can pull it off. I know I would love to keep something like that forever and it would definitely be a unique keepsake with a great story. The fact that it is linked to your beginnings together AND is representative of your relationship as a whole...can't imagine more perfect proposal! sweet, sentimental, with HUGE "awwwww....omg that is sooooooo cute" quotient. AND if she straight out told you not to pick out the ring without, I know if I was her I would be more excited about having 25% of the budget there to start the ring search and a cute story and keepsake than a "crappy Zales necklace."

 

[BTO]

I can see how that money is burning a whole in your pocket, especially when its going to be used to buy a symbol of love for your lady.

If you want to go with the diamond necklace idea, maybe you could get it from a pricescope vendor or trusted jeweler who offers an upgrade policy. You could get a really nice stone set in an pretty (but inexpensive) yellow or white gold basket setting. And when the time comes to buy the ring, you could trade in the diamond and use its value towards another stone for the engagement ring. Or, you could start saving from scratch and keep the necklace, too.

Now the practical side of me has to weigh in and say that 1/4 of a ring budget is a nice chunk to start with! You could propose with the juice plan, but tell her that you are well on your way to saving for the ring--that you are 1/4 of the way there. That will mean a lot to her, and probably inspire you both to save and plan to make the ring purchase date sooner than later.

You know her best, so I say go with which ever route you think hold more value to her. Would she rather know that you've got some money in the bank towards a ring that you will choose together, or would she rather have something symbolic to wear in the meantime as a token of your official commitment? And if you don't think a particular route weighs heavier with her, do what feels best to you

brandy

 

[Diamondsbybree]

I would "pass" on the crappy zales necklace for now. You are already on your way to saving for a diamond.

 

[JimDiamond]

I agree with everyone above. You are in the position of knowing that she wants to participate in choosing her own ring. So she won't be surprised that you propose without already buying a ring. I would concentrate on the proposal and make it romantic, memorable and "right" for the two of you.

I also agree that she will be far happier knowing that you already have $500 squirreled away than getting some $500 item. Good luck.

 

[guapo]

how does financing work? is 25% enough for a down payment? do they even do that? would i be able to pay the rest in installments? do any reputable jewelers do this? or are we talking credit cards only? (no, my credit limit won't accomodate the balance). i'm guessing the rates are bad too.

it just might be nice to say i have the "down payment" for her ring.

 

[moremoremore]

OK- here are my thoughts. I think that you should propose with a ring. I would be disappointed without one. HOWEVER, I couldn't have cared less if it was a sterling silver band or a diamond ring...I think it would be great if you got her a small inexpensive birthstone ring...do a google search- there are SO many pretty ones out there ranging from 50 bucks and up. SAVE the $ you just came into. You should put it away for safe keeping, get back on your feet, and then put it towards other things or THE ring when you are ready...

 

[moremoremore]

See, I just think this is really pretty. It's $50.00 from QVC. Just having any ring would really satisfy me emotionally to make me "really" feel engaged. That's probably stupid..but just my feeling on it..

 

[moremoremore]

I think this was $200..it's alexandrite (lab created)

 

[moremoremore]

last one!

 

[Gale]

Your girlfriend is expecting to play a role in choosing the ring, so she is most likely expecting a proposal that does not include a ring. That's great! Having 1/4 of the ring budget is a substantial amount of the budget. That's really fabulous! Once you are getting that regular paycheck, it should be relatively easy to start saving the rest (you probably will have to play some catch-up given that you have not been collecting a regular paycheck, but you can still do it). While there is a lot of pressure to present a diamond ring for the actual proposal, please remember that a lot of people become engaged without the giving of any token whatsoever. A proposal is not about the ring - it is about beginning a new stage of life together. Your proposal idea is very, very sweet. Go with it. You know you have 1/4 of the ring budget, and I am sure she would be thrilled to know you have it too. And, I expect she would be thrilled to know that a ring is coming. Once you have purchased the ring, you can always re-propose: do something wildly romantic (and goofy, if you want) when you finally present it to her. How often does a woman get a proposal - 2 from the same man would be sweet. Don't spend that $500 on a Zales necklace - be patient and save it for the ring. You have time - you are planning to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

[Lauren523]

Hi Guapo!




I would like to give you my honest opinion on this subject. My now fiance and I were together for 6 years and lived together for almost 3. We knew how committed we were to each other and knew we would get married someday. Well, this past Christmas he proposed to me and with an engagement ring. I was so happy

Well, to make a LONG story short, we had a LOT of problems with the setting and the jeweler and came to the conclusion that the jeweler had either switched my stone during MANY repairs on my setting (come to find out later on it was a used one!) or they had severely misrepresented my stone (after getting an independent appraisal)!




Anyway, my fiance got his money back and we ended up going to a family friend who is a jeweler. We picked out a beautiful ring together. Well, unfortunately I only wore the ring for a few days. I found out that we had spent ALL of his savings and we were moving to Florida (this past May) for a year so that he could go to a Motorcycle Mechanics School! I know he wanted me to have an engagement ring, but I could NOT deal with the fact that he didn't have money for school anymore because of the rock that was on my finger. As disappointed as I was, I knew I had to do the right thing and return the ring. My fiance was really sad and felt like he really "messed" things up with the proposal and the ring. I still don't have a ring and it's almost been about 9 mo. since we've been engaged. But, after a lot of research on diamonds from Pricescope, I know what I would like for my dream ring when we are financially ready and I can't wait! It's really hard sometimes when I'm introduced as his fiance and they look down on the finger and there's no ring

I guess my point is~ after the situation we went through, I would have rather been proposed to without a ring and wait until we were financially ready. It was pretty heartbreaking having to return a special gift because I knew we couldn't afford it. I like your juice idea thing

You could always get her a birthstone or another piece of jewelery that you know she'll love. (Maybe ask some of her friends?) Anyway, good luck and I hope things work out for the best!!!!

 

[lindsal]

I L*O*V*E the juice idea. And I think that shiny bauble or not, if you truly love this woman and she you that the ring is secondary to the feeling and intention with which you "pop the big question." Read on for my story of a proposal without a ring:

My fiance proposed to me without a ring, and I love him more for it. It enabled me to find this awesome forum and to figure out exactly what I was going to be wearing on my left hand for several years. (See, already planting the seeds for an upgrade hahahaha)

The dear man, knowing that I am an unorganized mess and choosing to live with it, bought me the most goregous jewelery box I have ever seen. [I had previously been know to toss my emerald earrings into the top of a candle in our foyer, or toss them on the bathroom counter inches from being swallowed up in the sink In this jewelry box, he placed some Tiffany earrings and a card asking me to marry him.. I of course made him say it outloud, like 6 times, just so I could keep saying YES! I'll always have the jewlery box and the earrings to remember the night he proposed, and for me that was enough.

From there on out we were invovled in the process of the search for "the one true ring" together, and when my specs outdid his budget, I even pitched in some so I could get exactly what we (read I really) wanted.

The hardest part for me was the continual stream of questions from others about.. "he asked you without a ring?" "when are you getting the ring? " All of which of course all ceased immediatly when they saw the good work that we did together in picking it out.

Best wishes to you in whatever you choose.

 

[guapo]

thanks everyone for the great feedback.

i think i will just do the juice thing. she already knows i've spent a bunch on the trip and soforth so i know she wont be expecting anything as she knows i have no money.

the thing is, she's not really expecting a proposal. thats why i want to do it now.

this will take her utterly and completely by surprise. i'm sure she's expecting the proposal AFTER we pick out the ring together which is still a long way off in her mind i would suspect.

so basically what i want to say is, let's start picking!

i'm just worried she'll wish i had waited to do it with the ring. for the exact reason some of you have cited - all the questions. i don't want to put her through that.

but as i've said, this is about me letting her know i want to start this process. i don't care if she doesn't even want to announce it until after we have the ring. totally fine with me. as far as i'm concerned it's about me and her anyway. but i know girls love the ring/announcement thing and i hate to deprive of her of that even if only for a few months or whatever.

ultimately i know she'll be thrilled no matter what, it's just that second guessing and self doubt i have to get over.

so here's the million dollar question. do i ask her father for her hand now or wait until we have the ring? i suppose i could just let him know i intend to propose but not be specific on when. but then i don't want him thinking a few months down the road i'm bailing when he hasn't heard an announcement.

damn this stuff is hard!

 

[Lauren523]

Hi Guapo!




I think maybe you should ask for her father's blessing after you both pick out the ring. Just think of the excitement after you pick out the ring and how she'll be able to show everyone! It's like getting engaged all over again

Maybe after you pick out the ring you could ask for her father's blessings and then surprise her with it and ask her to marry you again. I'll never forget the way my fiance proposed and I would LOVE to relive the moment again! Just a thought!

 

[guapo]

yeah, i think waiting to ask him is ultimately the best idea.

i know it would mean a lot to her for me to ask him first as i'm the kind of guy that doesn't really go out of his way to talk to anybody i don't have to, certainly not her family. i'm such an introvert! guess that's why i'm a writer.

anyway, i know she'd be floored if i let her know that i asked her dad first.

but this is really about me letting her know that i want to marry her and can't wait to start looking for the perfect ring for her and planning our lives together and i'd really like her to be able to let everyone know on her schedule. especially since she's not going to have the ring yet.

and proposing twice seems daunting to me given the trouble i'm having with this one! hopefully it will get easier tho.

 

[moremoremore]

Wait until you have tghe ring. Why don't you make this vacation proposal not THE proposal. Make a joke out of it and say it's a proposal for a proposal...let her know it's time and that you're going to start looking and that when the time comes for you to give her the ring, you'll surprise her and make it a formal proposal. That's when you can ask her dad! I think it sounds like a plan...

 

[Sparkster]

I think it's totally acceptable to propose without a ring - that's what by b/f did. His train of thought was that since I was going to be the one who would have to wear it for the rest of my life, I should help choose it.

 

[fire&ice]

Maybe I'm just a traditionalist - but, I would wait till you save the money & propose with a diamond ring. Can you pick up some "odd" jobs (so to speak)? My then to be moonlighted drawing renderings for a ad company free lance.

I'm not going to be popular...but - you say you are going on an expensive vacation - anyway to tone down your plans?

As far as financing, some of the mall jeweler's will offer payment plans; but, you will be limited in your purchase options. Some good jeweler's will do layaway; but, you won't have the ring. If you have any credit, some credit card companies will have a no interest for x time, especially if you transfer a balance. You may be able to get some creative fiancing cheap; but, you have to pay it back. Can you tightened you belt? Like drink tap water instead of bottled water or soft drinks. Maybe some macaroni & cheese nights?

Good luck. As a second idea, I like the pearl ring posted. Pearls have been traditional for engagements long time passing.

 

[guapo]

update!

I got a ring!

it cost $24. it's very cute tho. got it in a fun custom jewelry store downtown here in new york. so at least she'll have something to wear in the meantime if she chooses.

I've also taken matters into my own hands on the juice front and put my photoshop skills to the test. I've created an outstanding customized Nectars label and a cap. all i have to do is find a moment to doctor up a bottle once we are on island and come up with a good time to spring it on her. i may just put it in the fridge of our cottage and let her come upon randomly. that might fun.

as for the expense of the trip, we are only going away for 2 nights and it's literally the first vacation we've taken together since we started dating 5 years ago. so i'm reluctant to scale anything back. nantucket is a very important place to me and i can't believe i haven't gotten her there before now. but like i've said, i've been freelancing for the past 2 years and brought in just enough to help her cover expenses. we have no savings and a little bit of debt. but all things considered, we're in great shape. We both (now) have great jobs with great salaries. but it is manhattan. never goes quite as far as you think. so it's not so much a matter of having to scrimp and save as much as i'm at a disadvantage not having been able to save anything up til now. kinda throws my timeline off.

so, the reality is, it's going to take some time to get all of the money together and she will likely be throwing some in as well. so instead of just sort of waiting around for that day to come, i want to formalize my intent to marry her and officially start the process of financing and picking out a ring.

so whether this is the actual proposal or more a phase 1 for a multi-phase proposal, i guess is up for interpretation.