Can I get some Advice, Please?

[Hera]

I have a cousin (who feels more like a niece because of our age difference) that's coming to stay with me and I was wondering if I could get advice. She's currently a senior, who is graduating in June and has recently applied to local universities. She recently told my husband and I that she wants to be a doctor. She also has considered the military but she won't go because her mother is very sick and may not live very long. Her mother was a serious drug user doing crack to the point she damaged her heart and has gallbladder and liver problems. She cannot walk but a few steps at a time and she has been told she won't live very long. My mother speculates that she still does drugs. My cousin's father is in jail for spousal abuse and is also a drug user.

Anyways, recently my cousin told me that she wanted to be a lifeguard for the summer and seems a little scattered about her future (she's very boy crazy but who isn't at 17?). I told my husband that I thought she sounded a bit scattered for someone who wanted to become a doctor. Three of my childhood friends are doctors and I just remember their personalities. Still, my family has always pushed unreasonable requests on the children wanting them to be doctor's and lawyers and out of the nine cousins, I'm the only college graduate and I don't have an advanced degree.

Here's the dilemma: I told my husband that she's scattered but I'm not her parent and it's not up to me to tell her that she should focus more on her furture. Ultimately, I believe that she will become what she becomes. I don't care if she's a doctor or not, rather that she finds something she loves to do. I also know that historically, children mostly stay around what their parent's education level and maybe a bit more (though I know of exceptions). I think if I have a conversation with her that it would be supportive and nonjudgemental. My husband was very angry at my attitude telling me that I should care more, that she doesn't have a good support system and that my having gone to college, should explain to her that she should focus more. I do see his point a little bit. She could need a bit more support as she is having unprotected sex and her mother doesn't want her on the pill.

Do you all have any thoughts? Should I have a talk with her and be more of a role model? Or do I stay back and let what happen, happen? I AM concerned because her parents are both drug users but she does seem to be well taken care of and loved by her mother. Anyone have any advice about her not using protection? I have told her to go to planned parenthood but she hasn't.

Thanks in advance. Let me know if I was unclear about anything. I have a cold and am a bit foggy from the medication.

 

[mousey]

I think it depends on her. If she WANTS you to become a role model, then yes I d say try and help. You could have a convo w her to try and suss out how she sees you. If she looks up to the fact that you went on to third level education, and she seems keen to learn from you, then it might be really nice for you and her to have a mentor mentee relationship. If she seems like she sees you as being interfering and patronizing then just sit back and let it happen. My advice is to put the ball in her court. If in the above convo she comes across as open to your guidance, tell her that you are there for her and will support her all the way, but that it will be up to her to ask for the support.
Its a tough one in a way, because she has had a rough time of it. Also it helps so much to have some support through your education (just completing PhD, and COULD NOT have done it w/out my Mom, brother, and FH). BUT, it just makes the situation worse if this support is perceived as pressure. In any case, I think good on you for thinking about these things. I guess you are a fantastic aunt.

 

[tyty333]

I agree with your husband. I think you should be more of a role model for her.

Reasons why...
1) You said she is boy crazy and having unprotected sex. If this doesnt stop she's going to be an 18 year old with
a baby living off welfare. I know she has 2 parents that care for her but it sounds like her mother has too many
problems of her own to have to deal with...have you talked to her Mom about why she doesnt want her on the pill?
Her Mother needs to see the light.

2) Maybe you can sit down with her and make up a 3 (or 5) year plan to help her reach some goals. Things may
change but atleast it will give her something firm to think about/work toward.

- get certifed to be a lifeguard
- lifeguard over the summer/save money
-start community college in the fall working towards AA degree, nursing, dental assistant (whatever)
(not everyone has the right mentality to be a lawyer/doc and thats ok)

3)Sounds like there is a good chance that her Mother may not be here much longer. I cant imagine being 17
and loosing my Mom. She will need lots of support at this time or she may fall off the deep end.

I dont know if you have the time and energy to be there for her but I would say any support you could give her
would be better than none.

 

[JewelFreak]

The FIRST thing to deal with is the unprotected sex part. She won't HAVE a future otherwise. AIDS? A baby in her teens w/no means of support? Have a loving, supportive, firm talk w/her about this -- if she were my cousin, I'd take her to Planned Parenthood or somewhere similar to talk to someone about various kinds of birth control. She needs to know some facts & badly!

As to the rest of her life, you can offer help, let her know you care, but coming down hard on her would probably alienate her, don't you think? At 17 you know everything, remember those days? People telling you what to do are always wrong, you tune them out. How about picking a time when things are calm & companionable, asking her what her specific plans are, such as applying to colleges, figuring out how to pay for it, etc. Sounds from what you've written like she may not want to go to school again now, but feels she ought to. In that case it would be a waste of her time & money. At least it would be helpful to guide her toward looking for a real job -- a history as a lifeguard isn't gonna help her get into college or anything else.

I think if she truly wants to go into the service, she should do so. They give furloughs for dying parents; she could be there when needed. They also pay for education if she desires.

--- Laurie

 

[PinkTower]

As a teacher, and a mother of a teen, what I see in your post is a child who is desperate for some freedom within defined limits, and no one is available to define the limits. In other words, I don't see that she has anyone who cares enough about her to do the right thing. I think you can try to make a difference in this child's life, and it sounds like she is desperate for someone to hold her accountable.

On a pragmatic note, the lifeguard idea sounds good. But, you say she is scattered, and lifeguards cannot be scattered. Still, having the rigor of the training would be good therapy for her, and be a good first goal to attain.

My own teen wants to be a science major, and between her AP classes and her extra-curricular activities, sports, yearbook,SAT prep classes, community service, and sleep, she does not have lots of time left over. How are the child's grades? How were her SAT scores? How many times has she taken the SAT? What outside activities does she have on her resume? There are just a lot of gaps that have to be filled in if she has a serious career goal.

It sounds really sad, like she is sort of bobbing along without a guide. You are to be commended for taking an interest in this child.

As an aside, here is a pretty good article from yesterdays paper you might want to share with her:NYTimes: Professors’ View of Choosing a College
http://nyti.ms/ftXNsA

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I see a few issues here. I agree with everyone that it is important to encourage safe sex. Since she is a minor I am not sure she can get a prescription for a BC on her own, but condoms are probably a better option anyways. Second, and probably the most important for her emotional development, I would encourage her to attend Al-ateen/Al-anon. Addiction is a family disease. It breaks my heart when children grow up with two addicted parents, but it is a story I hear often. Those are what I refer to as lost children. Most never have a childhood living under that stress. They grow up WAY too fast and are given WAY too much responsibility. She has developed maladaptive coping mechanisms (as does everyone who lives with active addiction) and the sooner she breaks those patterns, the healthier her life will become. Without help chances are she will become involved with an addict herself and maybe even fall into risky/addictive behavior. As for her dreams of being a doctor...who cares if it is realistic. Just support her.

 

[fieryred33143]

Well, I think it's normal to be a bit scattered at 17. She's young. I know there are a lot of graduating teens who know exactly what they want to do but considering she has zero support at home, it's great she's even considering something other than a minimum wage job.

I think having a talk and taking an interest in her future will do a lot of good. The worst that can happen is that she turns you away. But if you do get through to her, it can really help her out. I had someone my freshman year of high school who gave me a speech on the path I was headed down and where I could be if I worked hard enough. She wasn't a role model or anything like that but she knocked a little sense into me and got the wheels turning.

 

[zoebartlett]

I would definitely say something to your cousin, especially since she'll be living with you and your husband. You just want the best for her, and you two will be such positive role models for her. I think it's a great thing that you're doing, by the way. I'm sure it will be tough at times, but it shows how much you love your cousin by allowing her to live with you and taking her under your wing. You'll be able to show her what's possible for her to achieve with hard work, and that's a wonderful thing.

 

[chemgirl]

I think if she really really wants to be a doctor, she will get more organized once she's matured a bit. If its not really her goal, then it probably won't happen.

My sister was having unprotected sex, drinking, smoking pot, and generally disorganized when she was 17. At 26 she's a lawyer. It can happen. She just has to really really want it for herself and be willing to make sacrifices for it. A 17 year old often doesn't see the bigger picture. If she's serious about it, I would guess she'd start getting her act together around 19.

In the meantime, she obviously needs to be on birth control. Giving her condoms isn't going to help if she won't use them. My sister had access to condoms, but they are "annoying" and she wouldn't use them. Eventually she went on the pill and I still had to take her to the health unit to get the morning after pill more than once. Is she too scattered to take the pill? Maybe your best bet would be injections. I'm in Canada so I don't know anything about planned parenthood, but our health unit sounds similar and they will help 17 year olds who come in without their parents (oh don't I know).

Again, I'm not sure about applying to medical school in the US because I'm in Canada, but when I applied here I needed good grades, good MCAT scores, and lots and lots of volunteer experience (I didn't end up going...I realized that I was happier doing grad school). Being a lifeguard would look good on an application. She should also be volunteering in her community. It doesn't have to be all medical related volunteer work either. She can help organize charity events, help out with a youth sports team, anything she finds interesting that will get her known in the community. It also helps if she does something to make her stand out, like running in charity marathons or something like that.

As far as university goes, I think it would be good to steer her towards things that can get her in to medical school, but will also lead to a career if she doesn't get in. Play to her strengths because if she is struggling to get the grades she'll never go to medical school. Something like a nursing degree would be good since it leads to a career in the medical field, but can also be used to apply to medical school. Then she can decide if she wants to work after 4 years, or continue to medical school. There's also the option to become a nurse practitioner at a later date.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

 

[House Cat]

I see a few issues here. I agree with everyone that it is important to encourage safe sex. Since she is a minor I am not sure she can get a prescription for a BC on her own, but condoms are probably a better option anyways. Second, and probably the most important for her emotional development, I would encourage her to attend Al-ateen/Al-anon. Addiction is a family disease. It breaks my heart when children grow up with two addicted parents, but it is a story I hear often. Those are what I refer to as lost children. Most never have a childhood living under that stress. They grow up WAY too fast and are given WAY too much responsibility. She has developed maladaptive coping mechanisms (as does everyone who lives with active addiction) and the sooner she breaks those patterns, the healthier her life will become. Without help chances are she will become involved with an addict herself and maybe even fall into risky/addictive behavior. As for her dreams of being a doctor...who cares if it is realistic. Just support her.

Ditto x 100

Your attitude of predicting the future in order to dictate what type of support you give to this poor girl is a bit confusing. You have no idea what the future holds for her. I can tell you from personal experience that it only takes one person to really care in order to make a monumental change in a person's outcome.

 

[junebug17]

Oh, I would definitely lend support to her. Everyone needs to know there is someone out there who cares and to who they can turn to for advice and help. Sound like her parents just aren't in a position to do that right now. Maybe she's scattered because she has nobody to help her organize her plans and give her some direction.

Yes, I think you should support her with her hopes of becoming a doctor, but in your heart if you feel this is unrealistic, you could also suggest other fields as well, just to give her something to think about (not to discourage her). She can always start off on the medical school track and switch if she realizes it's not for her. My daughter is going to school to become a speech therapist. Nursing, radiology technician (not sure of the technical term!), etc. I think it would be great if you could offer her some guidance and help her figure out her options. I don't mean telling her what to do...I just mean let her know you're there for her and willing to help her figure things out.

Tacori had a great suggestion of also getting her some help with regard to what she's going through with her parents right now. She's going through a lot right now, that's for sure.

I would also step in and advise her on BC.

I just think she needs to know there's someone in her life that cares about her and is willing to help her out.

 

[jewelerman]

Everyone needs a positive role model at that age and help deciding what they want to do with their life. just being there to talk ,encourage and guild is huge.I would talk about every thing with her.The unprotected sex topic should be first on the list.

 

[Indylady]

As for her dreams of being a doctor...who cares if it is realistic. Just support her.

This. She's 17--it would be more strange if she were not scattered. The reason why she probably seems more so scattered than your friends at the age is most likely because you are older now: imagine being 17 and judging a peer, and being 27 and judging a 17 year old.

Having just one person on your side can make all the difference. I hope that you can be that person for your cousin. Good luck!

 

[Hera]

Thank you everyone for your input! I don't have children and I'm more from a viewpoint of letting people find their own way, but it sounds like I could be a stronger role model in her life. I'm just afraid of sounding judgemental and bossy.

Mousey-I will feel her out and see where she's at. I definitely do not want to seem like I'm patronizing her.

tyty333- I'm afraid of having a talk with her mom because her mom doesn't want her to be on the pill because she thinks she will want to have more sex. I'm not even supposed to know she is having sex at all. 2. I love the idea of sitting down with her and going through a 3 or 5 year plan. 3. She applied to universities but I don't think she's heard back. I was going to suggest community college to her and while she doesn't want to go to the military because her mom is dying, I think it would be a great option.

Jewelfreak- I know I really want to address her unprotected sex. I want to take her to planned parenthood because she won't use condoms I'm really afraid to because then her mom could find out and then there could be a backlash with interference.

Pink Tower- Her mother is very involved in her life but is in my opinion not guiding her very well. Her mom likes my cousin's friend to come over and sleep in her bed because he helps around the house and drives them places. My cousin has to push the guy off of her for sexual advances. Her mother also encourages her to stay away from home a lot because of her abusive father.

Tacori E-ring- It's very sad her parents are addicts. Right now, my cousin has a "friend with benefits." The guy won't date her but will sleep her. I find this very destructive behavior! She's also had to deal with the fact that her mom tells her she's going to die any minute now. I will suggest al/anon and al/ateen for sure.

Fiery- I think it's normal to be scattered also, which is why I didn't really want to say anything about her career path in the first place. I love that she's considering such an ambitious profession but I also worry about the parental pressure she is receiving. I think it's good to be realistic about goals also.

Zoe- She won't be living with me, just spending a few days with me. I have opened my doors to her to come and live but I don't think she'll take me up on it. I do love my cousin and want to be a positive force in my life. I just wonder how positive I can be with so much negativity about the way she's living her life.

Chemgirl- I agree that she'll get more focused down the line. I don't know much about her scores, just that she applied to universities and I don't believe she's heard back yet. I'm going to look into what the US regulations are regarding birth control. I would love if she could get injections. I will definitely suggest some alternatives like nursing!

Housecat- I agree it sounds confusing predicting the future but I am just considering her background and the fleeting nature of how she describes the future. I believe people can be whatever they want to be in life! I would never tell her that she couldn't be this or that in life. The world is her oyster at this point but didn't know if she needs more guidance. Her mom is very supportive of her but I don't think her mom possesses good decision making abilities enough to teach them.

junebug-I definitely support her anyways, I'm just unsure as to how to do that. I'm supportive to my husband by letting him be himself and not trying to change him. I don't have experience with the young and moldable. I will definitely let her know I'm here for her.

jewelerman-I will definitely be there for her. I just don't want to come off as judgmental.

Indylady- I agree it's normal to be scattered at her age. I'm definitely worried about the scatteredness in conjunction with the self destructive behavior. The dispute I had with my husband is that I want to just be supportive and supportive to me is being more complacent about what she wants to do. I don't care either way if she becomes a doctor, I'm just not seeing behavior that is consistent of these type of goals. He thinks I should be more proactive in her life and I'm afraid to be all judgey, alienating her in the process and becoming another person that is putting pressure on her.


Thank you everyone for your input! I hope you don't think I don't want to be supportive because I do but it seems there's many ways to do this.

 

[junebug17]

"junebug-I definitely support her anyways, I'm just unsure as to how to do that. I'm supportive to my husband by letting him be himself and not trying to change him. I don't have experience with the young and moldable. I will definitely let her know I'm here for her."

I think you're over-thinking this. I think you're too worried about coming across as judgmental. Just talk to her, ask her how she feels about things, offer suggestions, just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk. You can do that in a non-judgmental way. if you think she's starting to resent your input, then back off. There's really no right or wrong here, I just think it's important for her to know she has someone to talk to and turn to.

I really don't like the sound of this "friend" situation. She has to fend off sexual advances? That's not acceptable and should change immediately.

Honestly, there's a lot going on with this situation and I don't have all the answers. Your cousin having unprotected sex is obviously not a good thing, but I understand you're not her mother so you're kind of limited as to what you can do. Idk, I think I'd at least talk to your cousin about the dangers of unprotected sex and encourage her to use condoms.

eta: Actually, I'm a little confused about your cousin's friend. Is the "friend with benefits" and the friend the mom is encouraging to stay over the same person? And the mother is encouraging this person to sleep in your cousin's bed? And the mom doesn't want her daughter to be on BC? If that's the case, it's a recipe for disaster and maybe you need to talk to her mother about all of this.

Also, I thought your cousin's father was in jail. Why is her mom encouraging her to stay away from home because of her father then? Sorry if I missed something, this situation is a little complicated.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry I misunderstood Hera. When you mentioned that your cousin was going to stay with you, I took that to mean that she was moving in. I think it's important for people to be independent and find their own way in life, but a little nudging doesn't hurt either. I'm sure you and your husband will be a great support system for your cousin, and I definitely think you can give advice without coming across as judgmental.

 

[kama_s]

Heranderson, I would definitely speak to her and play a more active role in her life. At the age of 17, you don't even know you're msising a role model or a support system. This is something you realize much later in life.

I didn't have a very supportive family unit. No drug/alcohol abuse, but a lot of emotional and physical abuse. But as far as I can remember, I always had an external supporter cheering me on. I can count several people who were instrumental in my life, whether it was the public transit driver who took me under her wing and gave me tons of hugs and always had a spare ear for me (years later she also attended my wedding!) or the oncology resident who gave me valuable life lessons when one of my research work was stolen and presented at a big academic conference. Little things, small periods of time. But they each helped me become who I am today.

I think you have a wonderful opportunity here to help out a clueless 17 year old, beginning with her risky sexual activity. I also think you would regret it down the road if you didn't intervene in time and she ended up going down the wrong path. Not an easy task, I know. But the rewards could be atronomical

 

[paperumbrella]

There are about 2 million issues at play here, but I'm just going to address the unprotected sex issue. Obtaining birth control without parental consent varies state-by-state. This website lists each state's requirements: http://www.contracept.org/minorsaccess.php... I would encourage your cousin to obtain birth control despite her mom's wishes, as her mother seems to have other priorities that grossly conflict with her daughter's best interest.

 

[iLander]

This is probably the most obvious case of child abuse I've heard of in a long time. That's what it is, plain and simple. If it were me, I'd call child services, but that's me. This "mom" really ticks me off!

I second the poster who said to give her a contraceptive injection. Then you have to address the "why" is she having unprotected sex? Doesn't she think she deserves better? That's the root of the issue. She needs to understand she is a valid person; pick out her strengths and talk them up. Encourage her to realize that she deserves a secure relationship with a boy that cares about her health enough to use a condom. She's substituting the "love" that she gets from boys for the love that she is missing from her family life. This boy doesn't love her, obviously. That's a lot to get across in one talk, but worth a try.

But then, think about what would happen if you don't talk to her, and a year from now she's pregnant or sick with AIDS, or into drugs herself (they see mom doing it, so they figure they can too). You'd feel terrible and think you should have done more. Might as well bypass that guilt load and give it a shot.

As far as the mom getting mad about you taking her to planned parenthood, I think you might just have to fight that battle. Mom is looking at this through a drug-induced haze, and frankly doesn't deserve to be responsible for another human. Mom is being ridiculous and deserves to be told so. If she lets the boy sleep over, then she knows their having sex, at least on some level. Does mom subconsciously want a grandchild? Is mom that messed up? Could be, very easily.

I think you need to open the door with the first talk, and then follow up with her via email, Skype, etc. She needs a normal voice in her life.

I suspect this might be too late, though. Usually, kids raised like this have closed themselves off pretty tightly. They're covering a lot of pain, and it's hard to break through. Start with a lot of hugs and flattery. Then ask her questions, see if you can get her to open up. Don't say anything against the mom, even if she does. Mostly listen. Then steer her toward achieving small goals, one step at a time. She needs someone to be part of her life, not just for a week, but for the next year or two. It's a lot to take on.

But without your help, she's a train wreck waiting to happen, sad to say.

I applaud you wanting to help, but be ready for setbacks and disappointments. But there will be small successes too. She might fight you, turn on you, give you a hard time, but she's just testing to see the depth of your committment. Stay strong, for her sake.

Dust and hugs for you both.

 

[Hera]

She's here so I don't have time to address everyone but thank you for your thoughtful responses. Just wanted to update a little:

The boy that was staying over hasn't been staying over lately. The other boy she was having "friends with benefits" pretty much stopped talking to her. He wasn't into her after all so it's no surprise. She told me she stopped talking to him but after she shared her facebook page with me which included what really happened. She asked him to prom, promised to pay for everything, gave him money and he took it and spent the money. I don't know what to really think about it because she was slightly dishonest with me about it. She is in mandatory counseling via child services and she says she is working on not repeating bad relationship patterns like her mother. She says all the right things but we won't know until I see her in a different relationship at this point.

I haven't brought up the contraceptive thing because she's very sensitive. She said she was angry at my mom because she was nagging at her about her license permit. I'm going to bring it up to her and notify her of what the local state laws are regarding this.

She's still very scattered about her future. While I'm going to try and make suggestions, I think that the birth control issue is more pressing. Supposedly, she her internet at home was broken and she couldn't check whether she got into the schools or not but since she's been here with my internet, she hasn't checked. I'm starting to think there's more truth in her actions at this point, but I'm just going to do a lot of listening at this point and some light suggestions, hoping to plant the seeds.

Thank you everyone for being here with me. I know I'm over thinking it and am starting to worry about any children I might have!

 

[Hera]

update on the update:I have brought up the contraception and she says she knows the laws and now she had protected sex and always will
I'm going backwards, am drowning and feeling terrible any suggestions?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Poor kid. I hear someone who is desperate to be loved. I hope the court mandated counseling helps her. I truly do.

 

[princesss]

How much longer is her visit? It sounds like you guys have covered a lot of heavy topics in a short amount of time, and I'd probably just relax and watch fun movies tonight and enjoy spending time with each other. She needs love and support, and right now you're in a position to supply it. Since she says she's using protection and that was the most pressing issue, let everything else drop for a night and just hang out and be a little silly with her. It doesn't sound like she has many adults who are able to relate to her in appropriate ways, and it could be very good for her to have an adult pay attention to her and be interested in what's going on in her life without being *too* pushy, KWIM?

ETA: One thing that I have noticed is that instead of sitting her down for big talks, try to have an activity to do together when you're having your chats. Somehow it's easier to talk about big topics when you're *doing* things - seems to take some of the pressure off. Not sure if you have a garden that needs planting, or something you need to paint, or a hobby you two share, but that might help when you do want to talk about the big stuff.

 

[junebug17]

update on the update:I have brought up the contraception and she says she knows the laws and now she had protected sex and always will
I'm going backwards, am drowning and feeling terrible any suggestions?

I actually think you're doing well Hera! All you can do is just give her food for thought, and that sounds like what you're doing. I agree with princess, maybe just hang out and do something fun for a while. Maybe you can talk about school and her plans in a casual way if it somehow works into the conversation. I think the important thing is for her to know you're there for her.

I think it's awesome that you are so caring and concerned. You're a good person.

I'm glad to hear about the counseling, too.