Bullying Bosses and their Targets

[miraclesrule]

I am doing research on the Bullying Bosses phenomenon. Specifically the woman vs. woman epidemic.

I don''t mean a boss who gets a bit frustrated and be at jerk at times due to the nature of the work. These Bosses are usually open-minded and apologetic when they know they insulted somebody or ruffled feathers. They also respond to reason and know that talented individuals are their greatest asset and bring about desired goals.

Bullying Bosses are not like the occasional jerk boss. Recent commentators have used different ways to describe bullying behavior, but they agree that a bully is only interested in maintaining his or her power and control. Because bullies are cowards and are driven by deep-seated insecurities and fears of inadequacy, they intentionally wage a covert war against an organization''s best employees - those who are highly-skilled, intelligent, creative, ethical, able to work well with others, and independent (who refuse to be subservient or controlled by others). Bullies can act alone or in groups. Bullying behavior can exist at any level of an organization. Bullies can be superiors, subordinates, co-workers and colleagues.

Some bullies are obvious - they throw things, slam doors, engage in angry tirades, and are insulting and rude. Others, however, are much more subtle. While appearing to be acting reasonably and courteously on the surface, in reality they are engaging in vicious and fabricated character assassination, petty humiliations and small interferences, any one of which might be insignificant in itself, but taken together over a period of time, poison the working environment for the targeted individuals.

Bullying is not about being "tough" or insisting on high standards. It is "abusive disrespect."

How many of you have encountered a Bullying Boss and what kind were they? Did you quit, were you fired, or did you try to ignore them? Have you ever been thought of as a Bully?

 

[monarch64]

I''m not sure if this belongs here. It''s more of a man-woman bullying story. Or proably a man vs. underlings story...anywho, I will relate it at the risk of it being unuseful.

A few years ago, I decided to quit my high paying, retail-management job because my father was very ill with cancer, and I needed to take a job which would allow me weekends off and a somewhat sane schedule (i.e. 9-5, M-F type deal). I used a temp agency and found a job five blocks from our home, perfect schedule, etc.

Went to work, as a receptionist/invoice clerk/read: accounts receivable biller plus answering phones, data entry. First week of the job, met ''the boss,'' a 36 yr. old nice looking tyrant. From day one, he would walk past my desk, smack my computer monitor while passing, laugh, and keep walking. Month two: started standing in the breakroom adjacent to my desk and threw paper clips or shot rubber bands at me, frequently hitting me or my desk, then laughed maniacally. My co-workers assured me this was his usual behavior and I was just the "newbie" bearing the brunt of his marital frustrations. (What?!) Soon after, I found out that he hated his wife but already had one child and had another one on the way, and was as hateful to everyone else in the organization as he was to me, but since I was the "new, cute girl" he was trying to flirt with me. Yuck.
Month three: more paper clip throwing, and a twist: he would go to the unisex restroom close to my workstation and upon leaving, would bring out his used paper towels and then throw them at me. At this time, I was happily enclosed in a cubicle and knew that he was purposely doing this to get a rise out of me. Chose to ignore it as usual.

told DH about all of this, we agreed that I needed the job, it had great perks otherwise (close to home, great benefits package that both of us had signed up for, etc.), but I could no longer just sit back and take SH8T from this guy.

Next Monday, I get to my cubicle and of course I am greeted by a flying, wet paper towel coming straight from the bathroom via his hands. I simply said, "Leave. Me. Alone." He didn''t talk to me again (at all) for six weeks.

I put up with that job for two entire years. Meantime, there was a Christmas party the second year I worked for that company, and my husband (who is 6''5", 220lbs, whereas the "boss" was a few inches and pounds smaller). OMG, my "boss" was practically salivating over my husband, calling him "his new best friend, etc." It was sickening. Things got better for me after Christmas, and I decided to use our dental insurance to go ahead and have oral surgery and get braces. I did so, took my leave which was approved well in advance by corporate HR, and lo and behold, I got laid off two weeks after I came back from having all that done.

Thanks for letting me vent. I could write a book about what happened to me at that job, but it''s not worth that much of anyone''s time. I hope no one else ever has to deal with the humiliations I went through on a daily basis.

 

[arjunajane]

My god, I just have to say Moni that whole throwing toilet tissue at you is just totally disgusting !

My story is simliar to Mon''s, in that it was a male boss.
This was a job I had last yr- I also took it mainly as it was close to home and I wanted to get some office/admin experience while still studying.

The boss was a jerk and a clueless leader - he didn''t guide the team, he didn''t delegate - I was there for 3months before I even had a clue what my job really involved, and that was after practically Begging for stuff to do every single day.

It was a very male oriented work place, with about 20 blokes and only 4 women, including me. The boss would habitually reduce the receptionist to tears with his bullying and insensitivity. There was also alot of gossiping and back stabbing. As the majority of the staff all spoke Italian, I was one of two people who couldn''t understand the language. The boss and others would continuously talk about me in Italian in the same room, presuming I was too ignorant to know

There was one day when i got so riled up from his immaturity, bad leadership and mixed messages, that I also was reduced to tears out of pure frustration.
obviously I didn''t stay much longer. My salary was also a Huge point of contention - I accepted a trial period on xxx salary, with the promise I would move up to xxx after the 3 months - never happened, despite my continual formal requests.

The Last Straw was that he refused to let me take one weeks'' leave that I was very much entitled to, without even offering a reasonable excuse. He just did it to "get back at me" for something that had occurred at another time.
He said if you want your holidays you will have to resign, so thats what i did!

For all his bravado and machoism, I have to say i don''t think he expected me to actually take up the offer!

anyway, may not fit the bill exactly of what you were asking, but boy did that job make me miserable! I was so happy to hear from the poor receptionist a month or so after to tell me she had also left.

 

[partgypsy]

This happened to me. I worked in someone''s lab. She was actually a very smart dynamic intelligent women, we were a very productive team, but she had a very dominating and controlling personality. (As with many other people she worked with) I eventually ended up getting on her bad side (some people told me that this was probably uninevitable, as I was the only other PhD in her lab). The first thing she did, which I did not realize until much later was that she was subtlly restricting my career opportunities; putting herself as first author on papers I wrote, not having me attend conferences to present my abstracts ("you need to focus on writing papers"), not having me be present at meetings with the person supervising our grant. As we were becoming more recognized for the work we were doing, she became more and more critical and competitive with me, to trivial and ridiculous levels. The other thing was that she tried to dictate what I did on my personal time. She did not recognize professional/personal boundaries. She once said "your time is my time." (another favorite quote of hers is "guilt is a worthless emotion"

) Needless to say, I crossed the pale when I decided to have a child, despite the fact that she made it clear she did not approve of me having other (non-work) responsibilities. Hostile work environment is putting it mild. Many colleagues told me afterwards was that she felt threatened by me, but it didn''t make the whole experience any better.

Life is better, but different. I gave up a competitive career but have 2 beautiful daughters. I still get flashbacks when I watch Disney''s Cinderella though.

 

[somethingshiny]

Yes, I have been bullied by bosses. I used to work for three optometrists (a single practice) in which one doctor was ALWAYS a bully, and one was sometimes a bully, and the third just kept his head down.

The bully was a tiny man that we called "the toad". He was outright disrespectful to me and a couple other girls. But, to the girls that had a bit of trouble keeping up with their workload or learning new things, he was kind and considerate. It did feel like I was being punished for doing well. He would frequently try to humiliate me in front of the office. One time he brought a patient's file to me that he was displeased with. Apparently he didn't really read what I had written and was trying to make an a$$ out of me. So, he asked me to read the notes in the file, which I did out loud. Everyone else soon realized that he had made the mistake and not me. He got PO'd big time. Every time I turned around over the next several days he had some snotty comment.

The second doctor bullied occasionally. For example, a patient of his (and his dad's before him) came in late one night when I was closing. She is very nasty and generally abusive towards all of the girls who worked there. So, I wasn't putting up with her crap but I was staying polite and just not saying much to encourage her. I did what she wanted and she left. The next day the doctor accused me of cussing her out in the middle of the office (that's what the lady said happened). The receptionist who was working at the same time defended me and said it never happened. However, the doctor made me write an apology letter to this woman. I refused to do it and finally he said not to come back if I didn't do as I was told. I was mad, but needed my job, so I did write a letter. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding". The doctor took it out of the envelope and read it and told me it wasn't GOOD enough and I needed to rewrite it!

Both of these doctors would use me as the "lesson". But, whenever they had a difficult patient, diagnosis, procedure, they would both always request me to aide them. It was irksome. I've always been pretty thick-skinned so I just dealt with it.

I eventually quit but only because I was pregnant and high-risk. Actually, when I left, all 3 doctors told me to come back whenever I was ready and I know they'd welcome me with open arms. I never felt like they were trying to get me to quit, I just think they were trying to stay "above" me.


Oh, and the doctors decided that we could no longer dress ourselves and required us to bring any "work" clothes in and get them pre-approved for wearing at the office. We're talking grown women who would wear black dress pants and button-down shirts or sweaters. The closest time I came to seeing someone dressed inappropriately was one of the s (who just started) wore scrubs in to work on her first day.

 

[ajl]

My bad experience was with a male boss. I was an intern and somewhat timid at the time (young). My experiences were similar to somethingshiny''s. He always tried to make it look like my fault or like I was incompetant. However I also had to do the majority of work for him so I think the other partners thought I was incompetant because that is all they heard from him. The one time I did make a big mistake he was as nice as could be about. Whenever it was his fault- I got yelled at. I was always nervous, even on weekends. The other partners were nicer but did nothing about his being an a## to me and others. My next job after that was wonderful. For awhile eveytime my new boss called me in to his office I prepared myself to be yelled at. Then I realized that he expected me to disagree with him and explain my side of things. The new boss expected a good debate- and was a good guy. Having a good boss can make life so much better.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think this is a thread for Gypsy. I have my own experiences but I''d rather not go into it.

 

[ajl]

Oh and at the first time they made a point to tell me that they all had lives and liked to take time off- NOT true. The second place only said that I would have to stay late occasionally for meetings and would earn comp time for it- turned out to be the most family friendly place there is.

 

[miraclesrule]

Thank you, all of you for responding.

It''s very interesting to read the experiences that others have had. I agree that having a competent, humane, and supportive boss makes the the difference in the health and productivity of their workers. Unfortunately, the reality is that many of us work in a highly competitive corporate environment where eating "Targets" for lunch and spitting them out is rewarded and promoted. Good companies root out the bullies and bad companies seem to promote them. I''d like to believe that at some point, the "Bully" will be identified and removed, if for no other reason than to ensure the success of the company. I have seem companies flounder and fail miserably, creating liabilities by supporting the perps instead of the competent ones. I suppose a company deserves to fail if it stubbornly, or unwittingly supports the wrong person.

It seems as though trying to fight is a danged if you, danged if you don''t proposition. I''m glad that all of you seemed to survive your situations...and some of them are just awful!! I think it''s becoming more of a problem in the workplace, which always results in litigation and then legislation protecting targets of an abusive situation. The toll that it takes on the target worker, their family, their health...it''s sad.

Thanks again for your assistance.