Bridesmaid Rant/Questions

[antiquesparkler]

I am starting to hear crickets around here…
So this may not be the exact spot for this but after I rant, I have questions… I promise.

I agreed to be in a wedding that is coming up in about 4 months and so far it has been nothing but a big giant headache. First, the dress is VERY VERY expensive. Pretty much twice what she had always said it would be (when she asked all of us she also mentioned that she was on a budget so everything would be fairly inexpensive). Okay, fine. Yes, I agreed to be in it and there were expenses that come with that. Then, she is making everyone buy matching heels plus a fur wrap. On top of all of everything my daughter is her flower girl and she needs a dress ALMOST the same price as mine. WHAT?! She’s 6 and will wear this ONE time. I am just stuck. I already put money down on my dress so that’s done. I asked about possibly wearing a pair of my black heels (out of the 80 pairs of shoes I own… I MIGHT be able to find one that works ). She got sort of irritated with me and then later posted something on facebook about “people need to realize the world doesn’t revolve around them.” Not to mention the hair, nails, parties, etc.

Anyway! It’s too late to back out so I am trying to cause as little waves as possible and save as much money on this as I can… mom is doing my alterations for free...I found a sash for DD dress on Etsy…doing my own nails… that sort of stuff. But this experience has totally changed the way I feel about my own wedding. I was talking to SO the other day and the more and more I go through this drama the more I want to have the tiniest wedding possible or have my sister as my only attendant. If we do have attendants, we are going to pay for everything but their attire and they will be choosing their own. The girl/s can all find a tea length black dress that they love and can wear again and the guy/s can wear whatever suit they have.

How do you all plan on handling bridesmaids? How many will you have? Are you thinking you will pitch in any money towards their dress/hair/nails/accessories?

Any bad bridesmaid experiences? Or experiences in general that made you change your mind on how you would handle your own wedding?

Thanks for letting me rant. You are all the best. Dust!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Wow that situation really SUCKS. I can't belive your daughters dress is almost the cost of yours! Thats good that you are trying to find ways to cut costs.

As for me, i have never wanted the "party" - i am very much a hopeless romantic. All the weddings i have seen solidify that decision. I don't want to have to invite relatives i never talk to, or friends i'm just acquaintances with. I don't want to put on a show for everyone. I never wanted a traditional wedding, because i feel its always about the party and not the commitment that is being made between the two people.

So i'm not much help with this all, but we are eloping. Originally, SO wanted to have immediate family and we were going to have a MOH and BM but he ended up changing his mind (we decided we dont want to honeymoon with our friends and fam haha).

I think the way you are doing it will be less stressful for everyone involved. I have known a few people to pick out the color and tell them to buy whatever looks best on them in the same color. I know it depends on your means, but paying for the hair and makeup day of is nice (and any other things you want - like if you want everyone to have french tips etc...)

 

[audball]

I feel your pain. I have been a bridesmaid 5 times before.

FI and I have decided to elope and just spend the money, vacation time, and everything else on us. We are very happy with that choice. That being said, it doesn't work for everyone. A lot of people really want the whole day and I applaud you for considering ways to make it easier on your friends.

The best bridesmaid situation I ever had was for my BFF. She chose a color from David's Bridal that she liked. She told us all to get whatever dress we wanted in that color. Long, short, satin, chiffon, she didn't care. As long as it was the right color and we liked it. She let us all wear black shoes that we already owned. Didn't ask us to get our hair, nails, or makeup done and trusted that we all knew how to make ourselves look nice and offered services at her same appointment time if we wanted to have any of those things done instead of doing them ourselves. She kept the shower guest list small, and only took the bridesmaids out for the bachelorette (kept it local and just one night in a hotel that we all shared).

There are ways to do it without being a complete burden. But I've seen too many times people who say they're not going to do all the wrong things, and then do because they get so wrapped up in their days. I have NO issues whatsoever with anyone wanting any and everything just right for their special days, but it has burned me enough times that if at all possible, I will find a way to politely decline any further invitations I get for being a bridesmaid.

Thankfully, most of my super close friends are already married. My younger sister is about to hit her 5th wedding anniversary and my older sister just got engaged and is getting married 6 weeks before me. Thankfully, she has so many friends my sister and I will not be in her wedding as bridesmaids (hallelujah).

 

[princesss]

I want to eloooooooooope.

But it won't work. So.

The girls that I would have in my wedding party all basically have the same body type, so dresses should be easy. Ideally, actually, I'd just order those infinity dresses in one colour (colour is going to be the hard part, only two of them have the same colouring) and be done. Make sure they're long enough (that's going to be an issue), and go. Whatever shoes, whatever jewelry, whatever neckline, I don't care.

I'm in my first wedding (hopefully one of not that many) next fall, and my friend has been amazing. She's paying for our dresses, hair, make up, shoes...the only thing we had to do was try on dresses because she wanted us all in the same dress. I love it and it's made it all so easy that I'd love to do the same thing when it's my turn. I don't want a big wedding (the smaller the better, honestly), and odds are every girl in the wedding party will have to travel several thousand miles anyways, so I'd like to make it as pain free as possible.

 

[sonnyjane]

How do you all plan on handling bridesmaids? How many will you have? Are you thinking you will pitch in any money towards their dress/hair/nails/accessories?

Any bad bridesmaid experiences? Or experiences in general that made you change your mind on how you would handle your own wedding?

Thanks for letting me rant. You are all the best. Dust!

I didn't have bridesmaids. I actually ended up having a destination elopement with my DH and I will be honest, 90% of that decision was because I didn't want to deal with the bridesmaids issue. The first hurdle was that I just didn't think I could narrow it down to a number that would be appropriate without hurting the feelings of others, so I figured if NOBODY is a bridesmaid, nobody could complain.

I've been in a few weddings and the truth is (I'm sorry this sounds mean), I consider it to be a burden - like being selected for jury duty lol. I've never had a bride pitch in for my dress or shoes, and I've always had to pay for my own hair and manicure as well (things that were done solely by the request of the bride - I'm happy not to have my hair or nails done). They have also all been destination weddings, so I had to pony up for flight, airfare, car rental in a few cases, and of course that's in addition to the wedding gift. The least expensive wedding I was a part of cost me $1,100. The most expensive cost me about $2,000. For comparison, that is more than my OWN wedding cost (our officiant, beach permit, and pro photographer was $1,500).

So.... yeah... I'd say while you aren't required to pay for that stuff, anything you can do to help out your bridesmaids, whether it's putting money toward their cause or even just being mindful of their budget and letting them wear shoes they already have, picking a dress that they can easily wear again, etc., that would be a big help.

 

[antiquesparkler]

LLC- Yeah, it totally sucks!!
I also don’t want to invite relatives or friends and co-workers that I don’t ever see or speak to anymore either. It shouldn’t be about that. Our plans are still very much in the air- We will elope, have a small wedding (30 guests) or a larger wedding (90 guests). If it were me, I would elope but our moms are pushing back on that idea so we shall see.

Aud- This will be the 4th wedding I have been in but this is by far the most expensive and most stressful. I, too, will not be a bridesmaid again unless my sister decides to get married. Yay for eloping! Are you eloping to the beach, mountains, random town nearby? Just looking for ideas.

Princess- I hear you! I want to elope… but I don’t know if it will work. I love those infiniti dresses! You can wear them 200 different ways or something like that?! Surely, your girls would wear it again and again. Adding that to the list of possibilities. That’s the other thing… jewelry… we all have to match. Blah!

Sonnyjane- Good theory! I don’t know how I would narrow it down either. Yikes. Maybe ONLY my sister.

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

 

[sonnyjane]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

 

[audball]

Aud- This will be the 4th wedding I have been in but this is by far the most expensive and most stressful. I, too, will not be a bridesmaid again unless my sister decides to get married. Yay for eloping! Are you eloping to the beach, mountains, random town nearby? Just looking for ideas.

ALL of mine were expensive to some extent, but there were definitely ones that were less bad (like the I described above). None of them have ever cost me LESS than $300-400 and I've spent over $1k before. All the stupid little things just add up so quickly! And I'm sorry, but no matter how much you adore the friend you're doing it for, somewhere along the line, the "honor" of being a bridesmaid doesn't feel like an honor and definitely transpires into a burden with resentment. It has always dissipated (at least for me) after it was all over and we could go back to our normal lives, thankfully, but still. It's (to me) just not worth it.

As for the eloping! We are getting married in Savannah, GA. It's a small, quaint, southern town with lots of history. Just the two of us, we're inviting nobody. It's just over 4 months to go! We're tying the knot on 10-30-13 which is the third anniversary of the day we met. Savannah is supposedly a haunted city too and we'll be staying through the week and over Halloween, so that should be fun! There are tons of packages there as it's a popular destination for eloping. The city is quite romantic and just lends itself to beautiful photos. Bonus -- the county that Savannah resides in no longer requires witnesses to get married. Just your marriage license, both of you, and a legal officiant. Woot woot.

 

[antiquesparkler]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

$380!?! OMG.

 

[sonnyjane]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

$380!?! OMG.

J Crew...

 

[antiquesparkler]

Aud- This will be the 4th wedding I have been in but this is by far the most expensive and most stressful. I, too, will not be a bridesmaid again unless my sister decides to get married. Yay for eloping! Are you eloping to the beach, mountains, random town nearby? Just looking for ideas.

ALL of mine were expensive to some extent, but there were definitely ones that were less bad (like the I described above). None of them have ever cost me LESS than $300-400 and I've spent over $1k before. All the stupid little things just add up so quickly! And I'm sorry, but no matter how much you adore the friend you're doing it for, somewhere along the line, the "honor" of being a bridesmaid doesn't feel like an honor and definitely transpires into a burden with resentment. It has always dissipated (at least for me) after it was all over and we could go back to our normal lives, thankfully, but still. It's (to me) just not worth it.

As for the eloping! We are getting married in Savannah, GA. It's a small, quaint, southern town with lots of history. Just the two of us, we're inviting nobody. It's just over 4 months to go! We're tying the knot on 10-30-13 which is the third anniversary of the day we met. Savannah is supposedly a haunted city too and we'll be staying through the week and over Halloween, so that should be fun! There are tons of packages there as it's a popular destination for eloping. The city is quite romantic and just lends itself to beautiful photos. Bonus -- the county that Savannah resides in no longer requires witnesses to get married. Just your marriage license, both of you, and a legal officiant. Woot woot.

That sounds amazing, Aud! I love that you are doing it on a day of significance to you guys. Hopefully I can join you in BWW soon and catch updates on your preparation!

 

[MayFlowers]

I hate hearing all of these experiences. I haven't been in anyone's wedding since my sister's and of course that was before I had a job. So, my mom covered all the expenses of the dress and such.

However, there have been 4 weddings where I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, but I was invited to all the wedding activities. Just the expenses for bridal showers, bachelorette parties (especially with the specific dress codes that some people require ) and then the actual wedding gift have set me back more than enough. And I can't believe what some of these brides make you all do and pay for! $380 is way too much for a bridesmaid dress.

As for me, if we have a bridal party, it will only be my sisters. But, right now I'm not planning on us even having attendants. We will probably have a small wedding with only about 50 people.

 

[audball]

That sounds amazing, Aud! I love that you are doing it on a day of significance to you guys. Hopefully I can join you in BWW soon and catch updates on your preparation!

Aww thanks! We are SO looking forward to it and FI is so happy with the choices we've made. I hope you join us in BWW soon! So many former super active LIW posters no longer participate much so it's mostly me and TooPatient keeping up with things over there!

 

[antiquesparkler]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

$380!?! OMG.

J Crew...

Have you at least been able to wear it again for something?

 

[antiquesparkler]

I hate hearing all of these experiences. I haven't been in anyone's wedding since my sister's and of course that was before I had a job. So, my mom covered all the expenses of the dress and such.

However, there have been 4 weddings where I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, but I was invited to all the wedding activities. Just the expenses for bridal showers, bachelorette parties (especially with the specific dress codes that some people require ) and then the actual wedding gift have set me back more than enough. And I can't believe what some of these brides make you all do and pay for! $380 is way too much for a bridesmaid dress.

As for me, if we have a bridal party, it will only be my sisters. But, right now I'm not planning on us even having attendants. We will probably have a small wedding with only about 50 people.

Hate specific dress codes for those things! I mean 'wear black' is fine but anything other than that is just... ugh.

The bride just sent all of us bridesmaids a group (with a pic) text asking what our shoe size is so she can order our heels. I replied back, "Can I just wear the heels that I have that look identical to those?" No response from anyone else. I think I am probably not the only one that's annoyed.

 

[Niel]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

$380!?! OMG.

J Crew...

My sister's dress is very expensive. probably only a little less than that. She will never probably wear it again.... unless maybe she shortens it. It was not something she had to pay for, it was factored into the budget of the wedding. My sister had her wedding a month after my baby was born. So I was a really absent MOH. I felt terrible about it. So to make it up to her i bought her a SUPER HOT (way better than the model looks in it)bridesmaid's dress from BCBG


my other 3 bridesmaids dresses ended up being about $96. I had fallen in LOVE with a particular dress with them. It tied my dress with my sisters dress absolutely perfectly. I could NOT find it anywhere in stores anymore, so i had to buy it off eBay. They were all different prices but because I wanted it to be fair i added all three together and divided so they all had the same price. I would have paid for the difference if it was over 100, though. I told them all to wear whatever shoes they would like....

 

[decodelighted]

Dollars to donuts you won't be friends with this girl in 12 months. Yikes! (Almost all the insufferable bridal stories I hear about end up that way) I've been a bridesmaid twice for sisters and twice for friends - NOT ONE of them was diva-ish in any way and it was still a pain. So, yes, my incredibly mild, generally pleasantish experience being a bridesmaid multiple times DEF did contribute to my decision to have one attendant (a dude) and not to expect ANYTHING from them other than showing up. Just not something I wanted to mess with or thrust on lots of people. And, honestly, I didn't want to share the spotlight with a bunch of pretty, younger, skinnier babes. How's that for TRUTH!
DH was fine with one attendant so it all worked out. If he'd been some frat boy with a posse I'd have had to pitch elopement!

 

[sonnyjane]

OMG! I cant believe you had to spend that much money! And I am complaining over $500…

Yeah the bridesmaids dress alone was $380 for this last wedding. It ripped in the bridal suite minutes before the wedding and we had to sew it together in a pinch. Because it had been longer than 90 days and because I had "altered" it, no refund.....

$380!?! OMG.

J Crew...

Have you at least been able to wear it again for something?

Nope. And because of the damage I would have to pay a real seamstress to fix it before I wear it again. We literally sewed it JUST enough to make it through the ceremony. It's a chiffon dress so once it ripped the whole thing really came apart.

 

[Rhea]

I've only been a bridesmaid once and it was a fairly pleasant experience. The bride bought our dresses at TJMaxx. She found them, guessed our sizes, and just bought them. There were no showers or parties that we were expected to attend and we all did our own hair and make-up and wore our own shoes. We really just carried flowers, smiled prettily, were the first on the dance floor to encourage others to get out there, and watched out for anything that needed solving at the reception.

I still only had one attendant (at each wedding). In the US she just bustled my dress, smiled nicely, stood next to me, and helped my grandma up the stairs. In the UK he (yes, a guy), just handed me my husband's ring, gave a speech, smiled nicely and stood next to me. I didn't tell either what to wear and didn't really mind. DH had the same attendant for both UK and US weddings who had very similar duties to my friends.

In the UK the bride and groom buy the outfits for their attendants and there are far fewer parties. There is normally a hen or stag do but no showers. My husband was recently in a wedding party and his suit, cuff links, and all accessories except the shoes were paid for. DH wore shoes he already owned. He did opt to attend a stag do that was a weekend away, but there was also one locally, a night out at a pub, mostly for the men who had children and couldn't go abroad. DH chose not to attend the local one.

 

[antiquesparkler]

Dollars to donuts you won't be friends with this girl in 12 months. Yikes! (Almost all the insufferable bridal stories I hear about end up that way) I've been a bridesmaid twice for sisters and twice for friends - NOT ONE of them was diva-ish in any way and it was still a pain. So, yes, my incredibly mild, generally pleasantish experience being a bridesmaid multiple times DEF did contribute to my decision to have one attendant (a dude) and not to expect ANYTHING from them other than showing up. Just not something I wanted to mess with or thrust on lots of people. And, honestly, I didn't want to share the spotlight with a bunch of pretty, younger, skinnier babes. How's that for TRUTH!
DH was fine with one attendant so it all worked out. If he'd been some frat boy with a posse I'd have had to pitch elopement!

I was hoping you would comment, decoded! You are probably right. It might be partially my fault because I am so resentful. Not to mention, she will not be in my wedding so that will throw a wrench in our friendship too I would imagine. We shall see.

I don't really want to share the spotlight either. Maybe with my sister because I love her dearly and she and I are the same size.

 

[princesss]

Dollars to donuts you won't be friends with this girl in 12 months. Yikes! (Almost all the insufferable bridal stories I hear about end up that way) I've been a bridesmaid twice for sisters and twice for friends - NOT ONE of them was diva-ish in any way and it was still a pain. So, yes, my incredibly mild, generally pleasantish experience being a bridesmaid multiple times DEF did contribute to my decision to have one attendant (a dude) and not to expect ANYTHING from them other than showing up. Just not something I wanted to mess with or thrust on lots of people. And, honestly, I didn't want to share the spotlight with a bunch of pretty, younger, skinnier babes. How's that for TRUTH!DH was fine with one attendant so it all worked out. If he'd been some frat boy with a posse I'd have had to pitch elopement!

*snort* Love the honesty, Deco! (Also, I haven't seen you around in a while. Welcome back!)

 

[decodelighted]

Dollars to donuts you won't be friends with this girl in 12 months.

I was hoping you would comment, decoded! You are probably right. It might be partially my fault because I am so resentful. Not to mention, she will not be in my wedding so that will throw a wrench in our friendship too I would imagine. We shall see. I don't really want to share the spotlight either. Maybe with my sister because I love her dearly and she and I are the same size.

HA! ... re: the bolded part ... I'm sure resentfulness colored my experience of being a bridesmaid as well -- but mine for different reasons. Every event occurred (coincidentally) at a time when I was *fully, painfully, sometimes RECENTLY* SINGLE. Uggo! It takes a strong friend to keep it together & dress shop & paste on a happy face when they're going through heartbreak during the PRESENT/ATTENTION POLOOZA that is *engagement* of a bestie.

Probably killing that chick that you picked out similar shoes FIRST. Hee!

 

[decodelighted]

*snort* Love the honesty, Deco! (Also, I haven't seen you around in a while. Welcome back!)

 

[lulu]

Tell her you are morally opposed to wearing fur and that you must bow out.

 

[Niel]

Tell her you are morally opposed to wearing fur and that you must bow out.

Frankly I think this a fabulous idea. I feel like its not going to get any better from here so I would get out as soon as you can.

 

[Jumpin_Jacks]

Chiming in late, but I've been a bridesmaid 3 time (and 1 unofficially), all for our close circle of friends, most of the time it's DRAMA. I will be one of the last to get married....so I'm dreading this part. Here were my experiences:

"E": She didn't want to exclude anyone, so had all 6 of us as bridesmaids plus her childhood bff. Picked a color from Davids Bridal, chose a style, $150 there plus shower and bachelorette in Los Angeles..... We did get really nice Tiffany's necklace for bridesmaid gifts.
Drama level: 5 (just some ppl not helping out as much)

"S": My SIL, just me, her sister, and bff. Dress from David's bridal, her sister paid for most of the shower, bachelorette was spa and dinner locally, pretty chill. Lame gift, some regifted spa card I still have. I don't have the most loving feelings towards her, but she made it ok....
Drama level: 3

"T": Destination wedding and this gal picked 3 out of the 6 of our circle as bridesmaids....one gal came to her crying when she wasn't in the wedding party. Dress was $20 from Forever 21 (yaay), no shower, bachelorette dinner and clubbing in Los Angeles.
Drama level: 7

"M": None of our circle of friends were bridesmaids, she just chose her sister and future SIL, BUT she asked to help her sister plan the shower. We each spent a bunch of money, to have a shower for us, plus her mom, aunt, and 1 other friend that showed up. We agreed on a budget too, and some ppl started questioning like a week before if we could spend less. In addition to shelling out that money, we felt bad and also got each a gift on top of that. Bachelorette at a chill place locally.
Drama level: 8

All these weddings happened within a span of 1.5 years, I don't want to cherry pick ppl so may have to pick everyone. BUT I feel like dammit I put in so much work, these gals could at least throw me a decent bachelorette in VEGAS since we didn't go for anyone elses' bachelorette and it would be a nice girls trip. Although many of my friends will probably be preganant by then

BTW, $300+ is sooo expensive for a dress, but ya that's J Crew for you

 

[antiquesparkler]

Tell her you are morally opposed to wearing fur and that you must bow out.

I could totally say that if it were REAL. No, somehow he managed to find the most expensive cheap fake fur thing I have ever seen.

 

[antiquesparkler]

Dollars to donuts you won't be friends with this girl in 12 months.

I was hoping you would comment, decoded! You are probably right. It might be partially my fault because I am so resentful. Not to mention, she will not be in my wedding so that will throw a wrench in our friendship too I would imagine. We shall see. I don't really want to share the spotlight either. Maybe with my sister because I love her dearly and she and I are the same size.

HA! ... re: the bolded part ... I'm sure resentfulness colored my experience of being a bridesmaid as well -- but mine for different reasons. Every event occurred (coincidentally) at a time when I was *fully, painfully, sometimes RECENTLY* SINGLE. Uggo! It takes a strong friend to keep it together & dress shop & paste on a happy face when they're going through heartbreak during the PRESENT/ATTENTION POLOOZA that is *engagement* of a bestie.

Probably killing that chick that you picked out similar shoes FIRST. Hee!

Hehehe! Yes, maybe that's why she has her panties in a bunch. Who knows. I refuse to buy new shoes that I will wear once. Plus I have strange feet from being in dance 16 years so I need to be careful about the heels I buy.

I can't imagine if I was single right now. Ugh. I am not good at pasting a smile on my face as it is. You are a very brave gal and a great friend for keeping it together, slapping a smile on and standing up there.

 

[antiquesparkler]

**double post**

 

[joyluck]

I have never been a bridesmaid but I will give my experience at my own wedding.

I only had one bridesmaid, my maid of honor. I asked her to get a dress in my wedding color. No specific shade or style, just something that she would feel comfortable in. She paid for the dress and her shoes. I paid for her hair and makeup (both on the trial and on my wedding day).

The other things I really wanted her to do was just wear the necklace and bracelet I got her as bridesmaids gifts at the wedding. And, she did have to put on my shoes. We already had the agreement she would NOT hold my dress up if I had to use the restroom (think 27 Dresses).

She offered to throw a bachelorette party for me but I declined.

Overall I think it was a pretty pleasant experience for both myself and her. I have just seen or heard about way too many "bridezillas" that I just didn't want to do that to my friend.