Bridesmaid emergency

[caribqueen]

What do you do when one of your bridesmaids has a family emergency?

I have one MOH and 6 BMs (supposed to). One of the girls'' father is not doing well. She''s currently visiting him in the Caribbean where he lives. She''s been there since early April and has continually extended her stay to be with him. She''s told me that she really wants to be at my wedding, which hints to me that there''s a huge possibility that she might not be able to make it. I understand that.

I never expected this (obviously) so I''m at a loss as to how to handle it. One suggestion I''ve been given is to allow her to relieve herself of the BM responsibility and then either find someone else to wear the dress or have one less girl. I have a dear cousin from Europe that I could ask to step in, but this is delicate. I do think relieving her of the duty might also minimize the chance of a last minute change a week or two before my wedding if it turns out that she can''t make it. I was thinking I''d still express to her that I want her to be at the wedding if possible, but that I wanted her to focus on her dad and come as a guest if she can. I don''t want her to feel that she has to choose between my wedding and her ill father.

Any suggestions? Have you dealt with anything like this?

And if it did turn out that I have one less girl then guy, what would you suggest? Do I pair two guys with one girl for the recessional and the reception introduction or let one guy walk alone?

I know in the end I may also have to consider letting things be as they are and just allowing it to play out however it''s supposed to, but I wondered if I could minimize stress on her side and honestly, mine too.

 

[megumic]

I think you should just leave it and not stress about it. I think you''ll create more anxiety and drama if you make changes, as opposed to just leaving it and if she makes it, she''s in the wedding, and if she doesn''t, her presence will be missed.

I would just tell her that you understand her situation and will support her no matter whether she makes it back for the wedding or not. Personally, I don''t see any point in "relieving" her of being a bridesmaid, as it would upset me. Further, if she genuinely plans to make an effort to get back for the wedding, then she''ll probably feel like throwing in the towel if she''s not longer a BM. I also wouldn''t replace her with someone else last minute, because whomever you choose to replace her will realize they were a B-list BM.

I don''t think it matters that you may have one less bridesmaid than groomsman. But then again, I don''t care about even sides or any of the "rules" of a wedding.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I think megumic is correct - replacing her will likely only hurt her, and whoever becomes the last-minute bridesmaid. Worst case scenario if she can''t make it to the wedding, just pair two guys with one bridesmaid down the aisle and there won''t be any problems

 

[nkarma]

Date: 4/18/2010 7:38:34 PM
Author: Maevie
I think megumic is correct - replacing her will likely only hurt her, and whoever becomes the last-minute bridesmaid. Worst case scenario if she can''t make it to the wedding, just pair two guys with one bridesmaid down the aisle and there won''t be any problems

Ditto. And please reassure her that it is completely ok to not attend the wedding and that she does not have to worry about anything wedding related. She has a lot to deal with right now.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Date: 4/18/2010 8:03:42 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 4/18/2010 7:38:34 PM

Author: Maevie

I think megumic is correct - replacing her will likely only hurt her, and whoever becomes the last-minute bridesmaid. Worst case scenario if she can''t make it to the wedding, just pair two guys with one bridesmaid down the aisle and there won''t be any problems

Ditto. And please reassure her that it is completely ok to not attend the wedding and that she does not have to worry about anything wedding related. She has a lot to deal with right now.

Ditto

 

[sparklyheart]

I would be offended if a bride tried to "relieve me of my BM duties" when a family member was sick and I was honestly trying to make it to the wedding. I would believe her when she says she really wants to be there. By picking someone else on your own (instead of her saying she can''t be a BM anymore), it''s kind of like saying you care more about having the perfect BP with even numbers than her feelings.

 

[caribqueen]

Okay. Thanks for the suggestions. I''ll keep them in mind.

My program information is due to my church by May 1st (1 month before my wedding), so I guess I can go ahead and send them the list of bridal party members with hers included. I suppose I could share with the organizer what is going on and see if there is a drop-dead date for any last-minute changes.

We''ll see what happens.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 4/18/2010 9:37:43 PM
Author: sparklyheart
I would be offended if a bride tried to ''relieve me of my BM duties'' when a family member was sick and I was honestly trying to make it to the wedding. I would believe her when she says she really wants to be there. By picking someone else on your own (instead of her saying she can''t be a BM anymore), it''s kind of like saying you care more about having the perfect BP with even numbers than her feelings.

I would never tell someone "I''m relieving you of your BM duties." I only asked because I had a similar situation early on in the planning with one of FI''s family members who called to say she had a bit of a problem with the wedding and her son''s possible graduation date. At the time, it seemed like the graduation would be two days before and my FI sensing the struggle that his cousin was having decided to allow her "an out." He essentially told her that we understood what''s important and that she should feel free to focus on her son. She took "the out" and several months later we found out that her son''s graduation is actually the day before and she will not be able to make it to the wedding at all.

That''s an example of someone who didn''t seem to want to pull herself out, but posed the issue and almost left it to FI and I to give her "relief." My experience thus far has taught me that people aren''t always comfortable saying "I can''t be a bridesmaid anymore," but instead try to juggle everything.

So when I say "relieve her" I mean allow her to decide for herself without feeling like she would be letting me down. This has nothing to do with replacing her or not, but I figured for someone in that situation, they might want to focus totally on their ill father and not think about trying to make it to someone''s wedding.

I hope my post did not sound cold, because that was not my intention.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

If it was me i would tell her that whatever she needed / decided to do would be ok with me.. that she was more than wanted in the wedding party but if she couldn''t be there then that would be ok too. I would let her know that i would support her in any decision she made and that i would be behind her 100%.

 

[charbie]

Date: 4/18/2010 9:54:42 PM
Author: caribqueen
Okay. Thanks for the suggestions. I''ll keep them in mind.

My program information is due to my church by May 1st (1 month before my wedding), so I guess I can go ahead and send them the list of bridal party members with hers included. I suppose I could share with the organizer what is going on and see if there is a drop-dead date for any last-minute changes.

We''ll see what happens.

As for the programs- I think whether she is in the wedding or not, you should leave her name in there. IMHO- even if she isn''t there the day of the wedding, she still has been a BM to you, and means enough to you that you asked her to stand up with you. Unless you have a really small wedding, most people won''t even notice to be honest.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think you should just leave her in the program and let things fall as they may. If someone asks where the missing bridesmaid is, they will absolutely understand what happened.

If you end up with uneven guys/girls, you could have one guy escort two girls, or you could have the MOH walk by herself.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/18/2010 8:03:42 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 4/18/2010 7:38:34 PM

Author: Maevie

I think megumic is correct - replacing her will likely only hurt her, and whoever becomes the last-minute bridesmaid. Worst case scenario if she can''t make it to the wedding, just pair two guys with one bridesmaid down the aisle and there won''t be any problems

Ditto. And please reassure her that it is completely ok to not attend the wedding and that she does not have to worry about anything wedding related. She has a lot to deal with right now.

I totally agree.

 

[KatM]

Date: 4/18/2010 9:54:42 PM
Author: caribqueen
Okay. Thanks for the suggestions. I''ll keep them in mind.

My program information is due to my church by May 1st (1 month before my wedding), so I guess I can go ahead and send them the list of bridal party members with hers included. I suppose I could share with the organizer what is going on and see if there is a drop-dead date for any last-minute changes.

We''ll see what happens.

My mom plays the organ for a church and does weddings. She also handles program stuff. They understand that things change at the last minute and they can surely accomodate you. Include her in the program, and if it changes just let the church know.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 4/18/2010 10:10:04 PM
Author: caribqueen

Date: 4/18/2010 9:37:43 PM
Author: sparklyheart
I would be offended if a bride tried to ''relieve me of my BM duties'' when a family member was sick and I was honestly trying to make it to the wedding. I would believe her when she says she really wants to be there. By picking someone else on your own (instead of her saying she can''t be a BM anymore), it''s kind of like saying you care more about having the perfect BP with even numbers than her feelings.

I would never tell someone ''I''m relieving you of your BM duties.'' I only asked because I had a similar situation early on in the planning with one of FI''s family members who called to say she had a bit of a problem with the wedding and her son''s possible graduation date. At the time, it seemed like the graduation would be two days before and my FI sensing the struggle that his cousin was having decided to allow her ''an out.'' He essentially told her that we understood what''s important and that she should feel free to focus on her son. She took ''the out'' and several months later we found out that her son''s graduation is actually the day before and she will not be able to make it to the wedding at all.

That''s an example of someone who didn''t seem to want to pull herself out, but posed the issue and almost left it to FI and I to give her ''relief.'' My experience thus far has taught me that people aren''t always comfortable saying ''I can''t be a bridesmaid anymore,'' but instead try to juggle everything.

So when I say ''relieve her'' I mean allow her to decide for herself without feeling like she would be letting me down. This has nothing to do with replacing her or not, but I figured for someone in that situation, they might want to focus totally on their ill father and not think about trying to make it to someone''s wedding.

I hope my post did not sound cold, because that was not my intention.

You didn''t sound cold at all! I completely understood what you were meaning but I just think it could look bad to her if she really was truly trying to make it to the wedding.

 

[CaliCushion]

Breathe. It will be ok! I actually had one less bridesmaid than groomsman. No one thought it was wierd. One of my bridesmaids had two escorts down the aisle.

Leave your friend in the wedding. If she is able to make it, great. If she is not able to make it, you will just have one less bridesmaid. I think you should leave her in the program too--if she acted as a bridesmaid, bought a dress, was there for you before the wedding....she fulfilled her bridesmaid duties as much as she could. Sometimes unfortunate circumstances happen.