Bridesmaid drama - what would u do?

[Alison P]

One of my four bridesmaids called me Friday the 12th to tell me she could no longer come to my January 3rd wedding because of a financial emergency. I guess the $ she had put aside for the wedding needed to be used at the dentist b/c she chipped her tooth. She said her husband is struggling b/c of the economy and she only had $12 in her bank account. I really wanted her there & I''m sure she''s really upset and embarrassed, but at the same time, I''m shocked that she pulled out for any reason with such late notice (3 weeks). Oh yeah, and she told me on my birthday. I don''t have a "replacement" that I can think of.

1. Is it wrong for me to be really upset and super hurt? Should I be more understanding?
2. I offered to pay for her room, but she said she already had found a place to stay w/ a friend, so it was just the plane ticket she couldn''t swing. She approached it more like, "I can''t come" and not like, "I don''t think I can pay for the plane ticket", so I left it alone. Should I have offered to pay for the 5 hour flight? I can''t totally afford to get it with such late notice, but could have made the sacrifice if it was the right thing to do.
3. Should I figure out someone to ask, or is that wierd so close? Dresses aren''t really an issue as it was just any brown and to the floor.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/14/2008 2:07:03 PM
Author:Alison P
One of my four bridesmaids called me Friday the 12th to tell me she could no longer come to my January 3rd wedding because of a financial emergency. I guess the $ she had put aside for the wedding needed to be used at the dentist b/c she chipped her tooth. She said her husband is struggling b/c of the economy and she only had $12 in her bank account. I really wanted her there & I'm sure she's really upset and embarrassed, but at the same time, I'm shocked that she pulled out for any reason with such late notice (3 weeks). Oh yeah, and she told me on my birthday. I don't have a 'replacement' that I can think of.

1. Is it wrong for me to be really upset and super hurt? Should I be more understanding?
2. I offered to pay for her room, but she said she already had found a place to stay w/ a friend, so it was just the plane ticket she couldn't swing. She approached it more like, 'I can't come' and not like, 'I don't think I can pay for the plane ticket', so I left it alone. Should I have offered to pay for the 5 hour flight? I can't totally afford to get it with such late notice, but could have made the sacrifice if it was the right thing to do.
3. Should I figure out someone to ask, or is that wierd so close? Dresses aren't really an issue as it was just any brown and to the floor.

3 weeks to go, and she hasn't even bought the plane ticket??? It is definitely not wrong for you to be upset and hurt. I would be understanding about her financial situation NOW, but I also think she owes you some huge apologies for more than just missing the wedding. To me, it sounds like she has been thinking about this for a good while now.

When did you start planning your wedding? Has she given your any indication that she wouldn't make it, or is this a complete shock to you?

ETA: As far as a new BM... If you really need another one, and you have someone in mind, I would ask them. I would probably ask someone that is already coming to the wedding, of course, and soon. Also, to be on the non-drama side, I would be sure to ask someone that is ok with being asked late, and won't make a big issue out of it to other people.

 

[rockzilla]

Honestly, if she said she can't go because of a financial emergency, I would take her at her word let it go. You probably don't know the full situation - maybe she was waiting for things to get better $-wise to buy her ticket, and they never did. Maybe she wasn't totally aware of the extent of financial stress they were under, and just recently found out (sometimes one spouse is not quite so quick to let the other know how bad it is). I'm sure the last thing you'd want is for her to go into hundreds of dollars of debt to pay for being in your wedding, or have to choose not to pay for essential bills like rent, mortgage or food.

If you'd like to (and have the money) it might be a nice gesture to offer to pay for her flight/hotel, but its not necessary. Keep in mind that there are likely other expenses beyond flight and hotel (taxis/transportation, meals, etc.) that may seem small to you but could be a huge burden to somone struggling financially.

With the way the economy currently is, so many people are right on the line between "making ends meet" and real financial disaster. Best to be understanding, even if it is late notice. She will appreciate it, I'm sure, and your friendship will be stronger fot it.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I would be disappointed and hurt, but you can''t be angry about it. If she''s really a close friend, then I''m sure she''s being honest about the financial troubles.

The other thing to consider when it comes to loaning $$/"helping" to buy something is p-r-i-d-e. She''ll feel bad/awkward and that she owes you something. Its hard for people in the middle of financial tough times to accept monetary gifts from others, though the thought of buying her a plane ticket is so sweet and generous of you! It shows how important it is to you to have her in your wedding!

As far as finding another BM- I say, if you can think of someone who you''re really like to have in your special day, and who wouldn''t be offended by the ''late invite,'' DO IT!! If you''re finding another person simply for symmetry and to match the number of GM your FI has, I''d say- forget it. Don''t ask someone to be in your party if they aren''t important to you!

 

[meresal]

Rockzilla: You make some very good points, and are very understanding. I'm very understanding when people are apologitic and Honest about things with me. None of this sounds honest, IMO. Yes, they are probably struggling financially, but there is no reason she shouldn't have brought this issue up ealier.

Alison, I went back to the original wedding posts, and see that you set your date back in October of 2007, and picked a long engagement in order to save up more moeny?? If she didn't know about the financial problems, then why hadn't she bought her ticket? She should have felt comfortable telling you about the situation long before now.

I am basing my entire opinion on the fact that she had no plan ticket, 3 weeks before the wedding. This says alot to me. I guess I should also ask how long ago you asked her to be a BM?

 

[havernell]

1. You can certainly feel a little hurt, but also be understanding of your friend at the same time. Honestly, if it''s a financial hardship for her to come to your wedding (esp in this economy), bowing out is a responsible decision on her part. Sounds like she''s know for a while that she *might* not be able to afford to come (i.e. she hasn''t had the money to buy the plane ticket yet) but was really hoping she would be able to scrape enough cash together in the end to make it. Then when her recent dental bills came up, that was the nail in the coffin so to speak- at that point her hopes of being able to pull together enough money to make it to your wedding were crushed. I think that''s why she didn''t tell you earlier that she couldn''t come- she was hoping all along that she''d be able to (and maybe without this dental bill she could have), but this latest bill just made it impossible.

2. I agree with Rockzilla on this point. I would feel *really* uncomfortable being indebted to a friend for a plane ticket in this situation. No adult wants to feel like a child with someone else paying their way. It''s just adding insult to injury.

3. Don''t ask someone else at this point. What''s wrong with having a slightly uneven wedding party? Lots of people do that these days since it''s unlikely that every bride and groom will have the *exact* same number of people they are close enough to to want them in their bridal party. Anyone you ask at this point is bound to feel like a second class bridesmaid. Just enjoy the company of the bridesmaids you have and leave it at that.

 

[sonnyjane]

Like the others said, she definitely should have told you that this was an issue earlier, but it is also a legitimate reason.

I was in a friend''s wedding two years ago and the total for the trip ended up being almost $1,500 when you include the dress, ticket, hotel, paying for our hair/manicure etc. I tried to tell her that I couldn''t afford it and wouldn''t be able to make it, but she told me how important it was and actually pitched in $300 toward my flight, but like I said, the grand total was so much more than that. In the big picture I know that she was happy to have me there, but I definitely resented how much it cost and could not afford it at the time.

 

[Haven]

Big ditto to everything Rockzilla said.

Of course you can be upset and hurt, Alison, your feelings are your feelings and you shouldn''t feel badly about them.

However, I don''t think there is any value in demanding an apology or asking her why she didn''t buy her ticket earlier unless you no longer care about her friendship. These do not sound like productive things to do at all. People have different reasons for making financial decisions, and I can''t imagine that anyone you call a friend would wait until the last minute to buy a plane ticket out of malice. She may have been saving up and planning on getting a last-minute deal with the money she had to use for her chipped tooth.

I''m not a big proponent of finding last-minute replacements for bridesmaids. It always seems like a tacky thing to do, in my opinion.

You are getting married soon! Enjoy these last few weeks, and let the happy anticipation carry you through any last-minute snags. Your wedding day will come, and it will be amazing.

 

[swingirl]

This is a very difficult time for a lot of people who have never had to worry about finances. $12 in her bank account isn''t anything she would have predicted a few months ago. Rockzilla said it all. If you want her there and can afford it, offer to pay. But if someone is ready to loose their house or car, they might not want to put themselves in a situation where they will be expected to spend money. There are so many expenses when you travel.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/14/2008 2:17:49 PM
Author: rockzilla
You probably don''t know the full situation - maybe she was waiting for things to get better $-wise to buy her ticket, and they never did.

I haven''t read all the other posts yet but this really stuck out to me. I know this can totally happen for people. Me and fi told people we would be home for christmas and absolutely stuck it out til the bitter end because we were trying so hard to not disappoint anybody that was looking forward to spending the holidays with us. In this economy- anything is possible. I wouldn''t be surprised if this was the case for her as well...Stupid money sucks

Sorry this had to happen

*hugs*

 

[jcarlylew82]

alison - first off, happy birthday, twin! mine is 12/12 too.

I can understand where you are coming from (though it was not a wedding). A couple years ago my parents told me they could not take me out to dinner for my birthday and couldnt afford a present. normally i wouldnt care (especially becuase my father is in the failing computer/consulting business) but it bugged me, becuase not two weeks before, she bought silver butter knifes, at $200 bucks a pop. so its understandable to feel hurt because it shouldnt take that much for people to plan on big ticket items (plane tickets). With that said, on the 6th of this month, my apartment complex lost my rent check

so now i have to tell everyone that i did not plan christmas presents ealier and cannot give gifts this year.

Sometimes, those things just happen. Fortunately, though you are upset with you friend, it sounds like you will still be there for her as her good friend. Its okay to be upset - just try to remember that it is a situational problem, and hopefully not an on going thing.

 

[Alison P]

Thanks everyone!! Good insight. I did ask her almost immediately after we got engaged, which I think was July of 07. I''m not sure why she hadn''t purchased her ticket yet. I didn''t honestly think to follow up on her travel plans because I just didn''t see it coming. When we spoke, it did seem like she had been struggling but had stashed some $ for the trip until this tooth thing came up.

This is a really tough economy though, you are all right. There are tons of people unable to make the trip, some who already RSVPed yes and then lost their jobs and had to call and retract the "yes". It''s terrible. One of my other bridesmaids just lost her job. Wow...

After hearing everyone''s advice I''ll think I''ll just leave it uneven. It kind of sucks for the pictures, but oh well on that. I''m going to say a little prayer that either I feel better about the situation or something miraculously happens and one of my friends just falls into place as bridesmaid-take two!

I guess I''ll start by trying to focus on how happy and excited I am to get married, and stop feeling sorry for myself when someone else is the one having the really tough time.

Thanks everyone, and I''ll keep you posted!

 

[havernell]

If you are worried about an uneven sides in the photos of the whole bridal party, just ask your photographer to stagger the men and women (rather than having all the girls on one side and the guys on the other side). That way it won't obviously be uneven. Something like this (where GM= groomsman and BM= bridesmaid):

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

GM, BM, GM, You, Your FI, BM, GM, BM, GM

 

[rockzilla]

havernall, howcome all the bridesmaids look bummed, and the groomsmen are all smiley?

 

[Deelight]

Ditto to rockzilla

I personally if I could have afford it and really wanted her there I would have just told her I would pay for her ticket as a BM gift.

Otherwise all things said and done uneven numbers are fine as well

 

[havernell]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:09:46 PM
Author: rockzilla
havernall, howcome all the bridesmaids look bummed, and the groomsmen are all smiley?

Because they all miss the fourth bridesmaid that couldn''t make it!

No, really I''m not sure why I picked that one. To me, that smilie looks more bashful than bummed. Maybe it''s the big eyes that looked more feminine than most of the other smilies? I''m sure some psych grad student could do a whole analysis on this...

 

[meresal]

nm

 

[GliderPoss]

Hello all,

I''m afraid I was the bridesmaid in this exact same situation. I was so excited and honoured to be asked so i accepted. A few months later my husband lost his job and we really hit the skids. I let her know I was struggling financially and couldn''t attend her engagement party due to travel and accomodation costs. I tried to put money aside for the wedding a few months later but we were struggling to pay rent and buy food so it was used up. In the end I was so ashamed but I had to pull out a couple of months before hand when she told me I''d need to make 5 trips to get my dress fitted! We could barely afford to live let along travel 5 times just for dress fittings and the cost of the $200 dress too.

To make it worse when it came to the crunch i couldn''t even afford to attend the wedding. We were literally counting the pennies and the cost of fuel and accommodation alone was more than we had.

It was a really difficult time for us and I sent her a long email explaining and begging for forgiveness. I have not heard from her since...

So I truely understand that you are upset and she should have told you sooner but I''m afraid money is like that, when it''s gone - it''s gone and there is nothing that wishing can do to make it better. For what it''s worth I hope you have a truely blessed wedding.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:09:46 PM
Author: rockzilla
havernall, howcome all the bridesmaids look bummed, and the groomsmen are all smiley?

hahahha this made me laugh so hard, i love emoticons!

 

[havernell]

Perhaps I should try this again:

GM BM GM Alison FI BM GM BM GM

Anyway, back to the original topic- Alison, it sounds like you've made peace with the situation which is what's important. I hope everything else with the wedding turns out perfectly for you!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/14/2008 2:07:03 PM
Author:Alison P
One of my four bridesmaids called me Friday the 12th to tell me she could no longer come to my January 3rd wedding because of a financial emergency. I guess the $ she had put aside for the wedding needed to be used at the dentist b/c she chipped her tooth. She said her husband is struggling b/c of the economy and she only had $12 in her bank account. I really wanted her there & I''m sure she''s really upset and embarrassed, but at the same time, I''m shocked that she pulled out for any reason with such late notice (3 weeks). Oh yeah, and she told me on my birthday. I don''t have a ''replacement'' that I can think of.

1. Is it wrong for me to be really upset and super hurt? Should I be more understanding?
2. I offered to pay for her room, but she said she already had found a place to stay w/ a friend, so it was just the plane ticket she couldn''t swing. She approached it more like, ''I can''t come'' and not like, ''I don''t think I can pay for the plane ticket'', so I left it alone. Should I have offered to pay for the 5 hour flight? I can''t totally afford to get it with such late notice, but could have made the sacrifice if it was the right thing to do.
3. Should I figure out someone to ask, or is that wierd so close? Dresses aren''t really an issue as it was just any brown and to the floor.

1. Well my initial reaction is that yes you are wrong to be upset and hurt but I understand that as a bride these things are very important to I wouldn''t hold it against you. Yes, you should be more understanding.
2. If you can''t afford to reallly pay for the flight then you can''t really get upset with her for not being able to afford it either. Although you have the huge expense of the wedding, she has expenses herself. Should you have offered? I would not have personally speaking.
3. No. One thing I''ve realized is that no one really sweats the details except the bride and some old aunts that nitpick at everything. Have your uneven bridal party. No one will notice.

Hope you feel better soon! Three weeks before you get married to your love

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with Rockzilla, being hurt and disappointed is a perfectly reasonable reaction to this news...its terribly unfortunate....

However, this is the world we live in right now, the economy is horrible and people simply don''t have the extra money they once did. While your wedding is first and foremost for you, it''s a luxury to her--and when money is tight, luxuries are the first things that go, sadly.

I would be an understanding, good friend--this isn''t what either of you wanted, and you need to remember that. She is probably embarrassed and humbled by this whole situation...being broke is a horrible, horrible feeling. And, if she even went so far as to mention only have $12.00 to her name, then the situation is probably tight, and worse than you know. Also, let us not forget that it is the holiday season. There are gifts to buy, and all sorts of other expenses...she''s probably spead even thinner than she would normally be.

If you''re like me...then you probably want to pay for her, and make it better...but, that doesn''t always work (believe me!!!). Sometimes its okay to just be *supportive** and understand that she''s your friend now, she''ll be your friend later, and that her not being at your wedding doesn''t take away from that core friendship...in a strange way you might not understand right now, you''ll probably walk away better friends from this.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/14/2008 11:10:08 PM
Author: HotPozzum
...
It was a really difficult time for us and I sent her a long email explaining and begging for forgiveness. I have not heard from her since...

Oh HP, how sad. I''m very sorry to hear about all this

My MOH came close to having to back out because of an at-risk pregnancy (she ended up losing the baby a couple of months before the wedding). I''m not one who cares enough about symmetry for it to have even entered my mind "what to do" with two groomsmen and now MOH (obviously we were already lopsided!). So I wouldn''t be in the "find a replacement" camp, no matter what. It''s not necessary, and probably would just be awkward (in many ways) for the "replacement."

I think HP''s story is reason enough to be very forgiving with your friend. As everyone has pointed out--if she is a good enough friend that you asked her to be in your wedding, obviously she deserves the benefit of the doubt. She would be there if she could, but she can''t, and that''s a terribly sad thing. She probably feels bad enough already about missing it, without getting accused of blowing it off or something.

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 12/14/2008 6:22:41 PM
Author: Alison P
Thanks everyone!! Good insight. I did ask her almost immediately after we got engaged, which I think was July of 07. I''m not sure why she hadn''t purchased her ticket yet. I didn''t honestly think to follow up on her travel plans because I just didn''t see it coming. When we spoke, it did seem like she had been struggling but had stashed some $ for the trip until this tooth thing came up.

This is a really tough economy though, you are all right. There are tons of people unable to make the trip, some who already RSVPed yes and then lost their jobs and had to call and retract the ''yes''. It''s terrible. One of my other bridesmaids just lost her job. Wow...

After hearing everyone''s advice I''ll think I''ll just leave it uneven. It kind of sucks for the pictures, but oh well on that. I''m going to say a little prayer that either I feel better about the situation or something miraculously happens and one of my friends just falls into place as bridesmaid-take two!

I guess I''ll start by trying to focus on how happy and excited I am to get married, and stop feeling sorry for myself when someone else is the one having the really tough time.

Thanks everyone, and I''ll keep you posted!

Allison,

You have hit the nail on the head here! You are showing great compassion and maturity with the highlighted statement above.

I''m sure she feels terrible. You absolutely have the right to feel disappointed, and a little hurt, but these really are extraordinary times. I''m sure the dental bills were just the last straw for your bridesmaid.

I wouldn''t worry about the unevenness either. As someone mentioned above, noone will even notice.

Have a wonderful wedding!

 

[Krissie]

Not quite the same situation, but we had an usher drop out the weekend before the wedding. He was to be travelling from the UK to the US, and he had an urgent work assignment and couldn''t make it unless he spent $$$$ to change his ticket and basically do a 24 hour turnaround trip. We told him it wasn''t worth it. We ended up asking one of my cousins to stand in as an usher - we explained the exact situation and asked that he simply do us a favor. With the size of our guest list it would have been awkward to not have that third usher. He was more than happy to step up.

I think in the case of bridesmaids who don''t really have any ceremony-specific duties, you don''t need to find a replacement. I wouldn''t worry about it looking weird in photos. Don''t let this add any additional stress right now -- things happen -- especially in this economy -- and you can control how you react (in a way that you want to be proud of in 10 years'' time). Even though it hurts that she had not yet bought her ticket, I would just assume it was due to their own financial struggles and not wanting to part with the money until it was absolutely necessary. I''m sure it was really hard for her to break this news to you, and she''s very sorry to miss your celebration and to disappoint you.

 

[purrfectpear]

A good friend of yours is in such dire straights that she has less than $20 to her name and you want to know if you should be peeved about your wedding

I wouldn''t be mad about my wedding, I''d be sending her an anonymous gift card for food.