Boyfriend engaged before....

[Manderr]

Long story short my boyfriend is proposing soon- could be Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or anywhere in between- and I cannot contain myself. I’m SO impatient. I almost feel it might be because I’ve pressured him.. and to top it off, he was engaged before and got burned (we’re in our mid 20s out of school). We’ve been living together for a year and a half now and I’ve been ready to marry him for months (he initiated the marriage discussion a few months in the relationship). I’m so ready but it drives me nuts that he isn’t as ready as I am. Also we saw his ex today at a restaurant with her new boyfriend and I got SO JEALOUS that he had already made a commitment like that to her and hasn’t to me yet. I could just feel her saying “he loved me more” cause he actually put a ring on it. I know I’m overreacting but I cried and I’m sleeping in our guest room because it hurts my feelings that he’s making me wait when he’s had a ring the whole time..... and we don’t want to have a big wedding so the only delay is him. Should I play “cool girl”? Should I not say anything? I’ve told him how I feel tonight but idk how much longer I can wait without losing it. It’s not healthy for me to feel like this. What would y’all do? I’d rather be single than depressed that I’m not worthy of true sincere commitment BE NICE

 

[Bron357]

Whoa girl, hold your horses!
I’m old enough to be your Mum so I’ll say it like a Mum.
You’re being quite silly here.
You want to break off your relationship because he’s not moving fast enough (or as fast as you want) with “the ring on the finger part” and so now you’re sleeping in the guest room to “punish him”?
You saw his ex fiancé and you’re thinking she’s thinking “he loves me more cos I got a ring”?
If he has indicated that he wants to marry you and even has a ring for you, well, you just have to sit and be patient and wait for him to propose.
It’s hard I know but that’s how it is.
Plenty of women wait many months, over a year even for the ring to come out of the sock drawer or wherever and onto the finger.
Perhaps he is planning something special, perhaps he has a certain date in mind but in the meantime you are going to be having “a dummy spit” complete with pouting and crying. You aren’t a 3 year old so you can’t have a temper tantrum to get your own way. Do you want him in exasperation to go - “For heavens sake, here, here’s your ring - happy now?”
You also need to stop thinking about his ex, stop wondering or comparing your relationship with the one he had with her. It’s in the past.
So, stop pouting, put your tissue box away, move out of the guest room and talk to him.
Explain that you are feeling anxious, that you would like a hint as to when the engagement might happen because it really matters to you and that you hope he understands your feelings.
Kiss and make up and wait as patiently as you can.
It will happen, just give him a chance.

 

[OoohShiny]

Bron is wise!

My now-wife and I met 4 years before we got together, and it was 8 years before I asked the question.

Towards the end of that period (when we had been living together for a number of years) she was questioning whether it was ever going to happen, except I had the ring in the drawer all ready to go and was waiting for us to go away to the beautiful and secluded Villa we had been to previously and were returning to because it was so nice, because I wanted the proposal to be lovely and memorable.

At one point when she was moaning about it (again), I almost said "Here's your ****ing ring, now shut up."

Would you like a proposal like that?

Or would you like a proposal in a romantic location with a beautiful sunset (or whatever)?


A relationship is (should be...) all about give and take, patience with one's partner and understanding of them, going through life together as a strong partnership that faces the outside world and all it can throw at you hand-in-hand.

It is not about forcing the other person to do what you want by emotional blackmail, tantrums, 'the silent treatment'...

To put forward a perhaps distasteful example situation in an attempt to illustrate my point and reflect back your current approach, how would you like it if he demanded you do a sexual act that you did not want to do (either right now or perhaps ever), and when you refused, he told you his ex did it and you would do it if you loved him, then left to sleep in the spare room until you changed your mind? And if you didn't he said he was going to leave you?


It sounds like you are aware that you are not perfect, and that you don't want to have this stress, so my entirely personal opinion is that you need to take time out and seriously think about why you are feeling the way you are. Have you experienced a traumatic relationship breakup when you were younger, which you are now recalling and assuming to be the case in this situation? Have you been lucky enough to have parents that gave you everything you ever wanted as soon as you asked for it, and now you do not have patience when you do not get what you want? Do you often compare yourself to others and think that they are better than you, so need reassurance that you are attractive/nice/someone that people and your husband want to be with?

With age comes wisdom (usually!) so I am sure that in time you will look back at this moment and be able to analyse it objectively, but for now you must actively work to figure out why you feel the way you do. 'Knowing yourself' is an important life skill, so it is never time wasted to ponder on one's internal emotional state IMHO.


Anyway, I'm just some random on the internet, so credit the above with the weight it deserves!

 

[missy]

First of all I want to point out something you should internalize for the rest of your life. Comparison is the thief of joy. Try not looking at what other people have and wanting to play catch up. That is a recipe for disaster. I am probably almost double your age so have some experience (and maybe a little bit of wisdom) and it never is good to compare oneself and one's relationship to that of others. If you love your guy and he loves you and you are both on the same page re marriage (just a bit of a different time schedule) be happy in that and know engagement will come.

1. If you love him and he loves you be patient. You have not been together that long in the grand scheme of things. And everyone has their own time table. If you pressure him into a situation he is not yet ready for he will most likely feel resentful and it will steal the joy from what should be a happy celebratory occasion.

2. What is the rush? You plan on being married for the rest of your lives right? A few more months will not make any difference whatsoever. As you wrote you are not having a big wedding anyway so what is perceived to be a delay in your head is not really going to delay much if at all.

3. If you relax and are more laissez faire about this situation it will probably happen sooner than you think and he will be happy about it when it does vs feeling perhaps resentful and pushed into engagement too soon.

4. Both parties must be on the same page re ready for marriage or it won't be successful. Both parties must feel ready for that next big step. So just because you are ready doesn't mean he is ready and again pushing/pressuring is BAD. Will not come to good. Be patient be calm and enjoy what is now and the rest will come.

Live in the moment and give it some time. If you told me you were dating and living together for many years and still nothing well that would be a different story and I might tell you time to move on if you had the chat and he still didn't want to commit to marriage. But that is not the case and you haven't been dating that long and honestly rushing into something as serious as marriage should never be something one rushes into.

Let your guy feel as ready as you are and wishing for you that is very soon and wishing you a long happy and healthy relationship and marriage.

 

[OoohShiny]

First of all I want to point out something you should internalize for the rest of your life. Comparison is the thief of joy. Try not looking at what other people have and wanting to play catch up. That is a recipe for disaster. I am probably almost double your age so have some experience (and maybe a little bit of wisdom) and it never is good to compare oneself and one's relationship to that of others. If you love your guy and he loves you and you are both on the same page re marriage (just a bit of a different time schedule) be happy in that and know engagement will come.

1. If you love him and he loves you be patient. You have not been together that long in the grand scheme of things. And everyone has their own time table. If you pressure him into a situation he is not yet ready for he will most likely feel resentful and it will steal the joy from what should be a happy celebratory occasion.

2. What is the rush? You plan on being married for the rest of your lives right? A few more months will not make any difference whatsoever. As you wrote you are not having a big wedding anyway so what is perceived to be a delay in your head is not really going to delay much if at all.

3. If you relax and are more laissez faire about this situation it will probably happen sooner than you think and he will be happy about it when it does vs feeling perhaps resentful and pushed into engagement too soon.

4. Both parties must be on the same page re ready for marriage or it won't be successful. Both parties must feel ready for that next big step. So just because you are ready doesn't mean he is ready and again pushing/pressuring is BAD. Will not come to good. Be patient be calm and enjoy what is now and the rest will come.

Live in the moment and give it some time. If you told me you were dating and living together for many years and still nothing well that would be a different story and I might tell you time to move on if you had the chat and he still didn't want to commit to marriage. But that is not the case and you haven't been dating that long and honestly rushing into something as serious as marriage should never be something one rushes into.

Let your guy feel as ready as you are and wishing for you that is very soon and wishing you a long happy and healthy relationship and marriage.

This.

All of this.

 

[Manderr]

Thank you all for your wisdom! I’m not trying to punish him. I was sad and trying to pull it together

 

[OoohShiny]

Thank you all for your wisdom! I’m not trying to punish him. I was sad and trying to pull it together

I'm pleased that you are trying to get things together

If you can take a step back and analyse things objectively, that perspective can often be enlightening!

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

At one point when she was moaning about it (again), I almost said "Here's your ****ing ring, now shut up."

While I get your point here, in a recent response you mentioned it took 8 plus years because you were wondering if: "something better would come along".
Granted 8+years is much longer than 1.5 but the principle is the same. This poster as I imagine most, would like to avoid erosion of her self esteem and confidence based on an inequality of relationship investment.

Manderr, as far as advice regarding how to "act". I never advocate "acting". I think you've done all you can do. You're being upfront and honest with him. You can't control anyone else, only yourself. As others have mentioned 1.5 years is not all that long. However it's up to you to decide how long you're willing to wait for the commitment you want from him. Then take action accordingly.

 

[MarionC]

I agree with the responses, and I applaud Manderr for coming forward here, openly, to share her feelings. This is a great community!

 

[Bron357]

Thank you all for your wisdom! I’m not trying to punish him. I was sad and trying to pull it together

I know how hard it is to have patience and that it’s burning you up inside.
But just breathe, he does love you and the right moment for when he proposes will come soon.
Come onto here anytime you need a whinge or vent about your feelings while you try and wait patiently.
An engagement ring is beautiful and a lovely way to show the world your partnership intentions BUT it doesn’t make a relationship suddenly better or perfect and it doesn’t make him love you extra more,
Couples can never get an engagement ring, never get a wedding ring and yet stay together their whole lives.
Just concentrate on being the best version of you and loving and supporting your partner and everything will be wonderful.

 

[amoline]

For what it's worth, my mother has not worn her ring in at least 15 years, because it doesn't fit her very well anymore.

That is to say, at least, that ultimately it means nothing - ring or no ring. I don't think my mother has ever felt more or less appreciated by her family because of her ring, and that's what matters, of course!

 

[cmd2014]

You should probably decide what your “propose or get off the pot” timeline is. You want to be married; he may not. If the relationship is not going in the direction you want, it’s ok to love, but move on. You can love someone and not want the same things, and to work long term, you need to want the same things. But you need to talk to him about this. Honestly and without judgement. So you know what he wants and so you can make a decision.

 

[OoohShiny]

While I get your point here, in a recent response you mentioned it took 8 plus years because you were wondering if: "something better would come along".

Granted 8+years is much longer than 1.5 but the principle is the same. This poster as I imagine most, would like to avoid erosion of her self esteem and confidence based on an inequality of relationship investment.

Manderr, as far as advice regarding how to "act". I never advocate "acting". I think you've done all you can do. You're being upfront and honest with him. You can't control anyone else, only yourself. As others have mentioned 1.5 years is not all that long. However it's up to you to decide how long you're willing to wait for the commitment you want from him. Then take action accordingly.

In the interests of accuracy, and for the record, my exact wording was:
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/ring-still-in-layaway.244855/#post-4446336

"Personally speaking, I was not fussed by marriage, I never thought it would happen, but my other half basically laid it on the line after about eight years and said she didn't want to wait around forever. (She also counts the four years before we got together on top of that, although I call that stalking lol.) I somewhat reluctantly came round to the idea - I like to keep my options open in life because I worry I will miss out on things if I choose one particular option, be it not committing to buying a specific new TV till I absolutely have to and have done a load of research, not getting tied into a 2-year mobile phone contract, not deciding on the material for a wedding suit until the last possible moment... so the idea of committing to one guaranteed path for the rest of my life was scary."

My choice of wording was perhaps poorly chosen and did not accurately convey exactly what I was getting at, but to summarise it as you have done would portray me as some callous, calculating bastard who was leaving some poor woman on tenterhooks for as long as possible, whereas in fact I struggle to commit to a new path in life (whatever it may be) because of my very low self-esteem and self-confidence, the fact that I am terrified of making a wrong decision and incurring consequences for myself and others, and my fear of failure - if I don't try, I can't fail, being the flawed Homer Simpson-esque logic I struggle to overcome, and if I don't choose a path, I can't make the wrong choice, even though not making a choice is a choice in itself.

As I noted earlier in this thread, we were living together for a number of years before I asked the question – living together and being unmarried is no different to many committed relationships across the world, so it is not like I was seeing her once a week and kicking her out in the morning while regularly ‘working late’ and being too busy to see her at the weekend.

Am I perfect? No.

Would I be without my amazing, beautiful wife, who does not judge me and with whom I stand side-by-side as we face the challenges life throws at us? Also no.

I tell her daily (and mean it) that she is beautiful and amazing and I love her, and did so before we were married, so I certainly hope that does not cause “erosion of her self esteem and confidence based on an inequality of relationship investment”. If it does, and the only thing that matters is a ring on the finger, there would appear to be a great many relationships across the world in peril.


As I pointed out earlier in this thread:

'Knowing yourself' is an important life skill

and I try to apply that to myself.

In hindsight (which is, of course, always 20:20) should I have waited so long to commit to her? Clearly not, as she is my rock and my anchor without which I am lost at sea, but it took going through the process and going through the act of commitment by marriage to realise that.

Have I learned from it? Hopefully, and that is surely all one can hope to do from one’s experiences in life.


Anyway, this thread is not about me and my failings personally, but hopefully my comments help illustrate that us menfolk are not perfect and are not all blessed with perfect clarity of vision with regards to the Present, the Future and oneself. I still stand by my viewpoint that I (and other males of the species) would rather wait and ‘do it right’ than ‘just do it’ right now, and I think it is fair comment that adding pressure is potentially likely to make another party back off rather than prompt the desired response – something done at least partially unwillingly rather than fully autonomously is surely an indicator of “inequality of relationship investment”, which would be a greater worry to me than someone waiting till they are completely ready.

I personally don’t think the OP has any worries given that her partner initiated discussions about marriage and has the ring in-hand (I’m not sure how that indicates “inequality of relationship investment”), but all of our comments on the forum are coloured and informed by our personal experiences, so I appreciate that a range of viewpoints will be offered. Hopefully the OP can find value in all of them.


Like I say, I am cluttering up this thread with a defence of my position so I will let the discussion continue on more relevant aspects.

 

[Jacquiemalta]

I don't mean to sound harsh but to be honest, I'm not sure you're mature enough to be getting married if you're sleeping in the guest room because you can't get your own way. Personally, I wouldn't want someone to propose to me just because I badgered him in to it.

 

[kmoro]

To add my bit ...

You said you were not punishing him but slept in the other room because you were sad. Please think about this. First, the effect of your action is to hurt him in some way - maybe you can see that is punishment. Second, ask yourself why you are so incredibly saddened by an event that your boyfriend can not control. For an example of another way of thinking, why didn’t you look at the ex and think “haha he’s mine now!” ...

I think you may be coming from a place of serious insecurity and it may be important to address that. Is there something going on in yourself or in your relationship to make you feel that way? From my point of view, you over-reacted - and it takes one to see one -‘when I was young, I may well have reacted the same way (I would not now).

Here’s the thing: if he loves you, he will not run away and you have nothing but time - a ring and wedding mean nothing in the end - it is the relationship that counts. Marriage does not mean your partner has to stay with you. You are setting the groundwork for that marriage right now - is this the tone you want to set? Basically having a tantrum (I’m sorry but that is an accurate description) because you ran into your boyfriend’s ex and then had a bunch of insecure thoughts run through your head, making yourself sad ... and instead of discussing it, you slept in the other room. So ... remind me again why he would even want to propose?

Think of the relationship like a bar of soap - if you hold on too tight, it will fly right out of your hands. You can not force love. If you keep testing someone, they will eventually fail.

I think you just delayed your proposal, and I bet that is the opposite of what you wanted to accomplish. The next time you want to manipulate (again sorry to be harsh but a spade is a spade, and you need to see it to change it) someone else, I hope you think it all the way through with your goal in mind. And I hope your boyfriend loves you enough to work through this with you. Based on this, he would do well to think about this awhile longer. You too as he apparently makes you feel insecure. A lifetime is a long time (hopefully)! Be careful whom you choose to marry.

I hope you two are able to talk about this so that you both feel better. That would be a very good sign. Best wishes for your future!

 

[motownmama]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. You’ve been living together for 1.5 years? He talked marriage early on and NOW isn’t following through? Why’s this have to be a secret surprise - between Xmas and valentines? It sounds to me like he has cold feet. I’m sorry to be harsh.