Books/tips on strong-willed kids?

[Circe]

My son is 2.5 years old. He's a sunny, clever kid. I adore him. But there are days when he has me tearing my hair out - more and more of them as The Spite Age progresses (that's what Swedes call the terrible twos ... seems more apt to me, given that he started being like this around a year and 3/4s and shows no signs of quitting). He basically needs everything to be a battle of wills.

I can take this when it comes to, say, his choosing his clothes. But not when it comes to brushing his teeth, y/n, changing his diaper, y/n ... and definitely not when it comes to coming away from the edge of something, where my telling him it's dangerous will just make him all the more eager to do an aerialist routine.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLP. My husband says he was just like this until adolescence, when he became a straight-A earning little lamb. A) I will not last another 5 years of this, and, B) my husband is lying, as he is neither a little lamb now, nor, given the death metal and the drinking, do I think he was he one in high school. (He did, to his credit, still earn the A's.) I remember people recommending books in the past, but I foolishly did not see this coming, and did not bookmark them. Anybody know what I'm talking about?

 

[Rosebloom]

Circe, just a quick note to say that my older son was an extraordinary challenge (that's the very polite way to say it!) from 2.5 until he turned 3. And then it was like a light switch flipped and he returned to his sweet agreeable ways. He's 5 now and just the most fun person to be around. He still drives me batty sometimes but nothing ever anything close to "the dark ages" as I remember them. Of course every kid is different but there really does seem to be something universally hard for parents and kids alike about the kind of growth that happens between 2 and 3. Developmentally it's considered a first puberty of sorts - and that makes sense with all the boundary testing, making-mom-the-villain-so-it's-easier-for-me-to-become-more-independent, and general crazy making that goes on. Now that's I'm entering that phase with my second I find the perspective helps so much. I get enormous comfort in the fact that I now know that this is a phase that will pass and is absolutely not my child's permanent personality. I find it much easier to "love him through it" (by that I guess I mean being on his side and helping ease him through the emotional storm he's in the middle of) instead of worrying about enabling bad behavior and creating permanent habits. I try to keep both boys' "love tanks" so full that they can't help but be a little more calm. And I laugh an awful lot at the antics. When I do decide to put my foot down about something, I do so firmly and quickly. Somehow this is working for us. My little guy is still two but I am not going nuts like I did with my first. (Also having an older brother is incredibly helpful because my little one sees what is and is not acceptable kid behavior in the family from his peer. Also they have so much fun together that they don't have as much time to be awful.)

Forget a push present. All moms need a big huge rock for surviving the sprite age.

 

[baby monster]

I don't know of any books on this topic but have a strong willed 3.5yr old of my own. What has worked for me is focusing on rules for most important things and letting him decide the rest. The number of rules have to developmentally appropriate. 2.5yr can't follow that many so prioritizing is important. Those rules are non negotiable and noncompliance results in time out or removal from activity. You have to be firm and consistent. Otherwise, the child sees that rules can be broken. But honestly I only have to do time outs 2-3 times for behavior to stop.

The other strategy that worked for me is explaining the consequences. At 2.5 , kids understand cause and effect so explaining that not changing the diaper will give him a painful rash should work. It might need to be explained multiple times different ways. And if that doesn't work, sometimes I let it ride out cause many of us learn only from our own mistakes. It's a bit of tough love but he'll remember that diaper rash hurts. This is obviously facts and circumstances tactic not to be used for running into traffic. But it has worked for me for so many issues.

 

[pancake]

It's about setting limits, and setting limits on your limit-setting

Pick 3 non-negotiable "no" behaviours, where he gets one or two warnings (curt/fairly unemotional ones), and then the third gets him into time-out (again, no big fuss - that's just the deal). At 2 1/2, he can have 2 1/2 minutes of time-out in a boring place. Pick your battles wisely - the rest I would let go until the ones you want to modify first are sorted.

At this age it is ALL about the primal drive for attention (the "attention piranha" ). Negative reinforcement provides a lot more gratification to the piranha than positive, it's just the way it is. So a lot of it is about managing your responses which can be hard because when he does something dangerous/incredibly irritating it is REALLY difficult not to just "react", but you will achieve much more if you are able to limit that. Lots of positive reinforcement when you get desirable behaviours - by dampening your negative responses but amping up the praise you are feeding the attention where it will have the most positive response (for you).

When you have a battle over eg. what to wear, brushing teeth, washing face, etc - give him choices, but only between two options that YOU are happy with either way. That way you give him some control, but it's within the bounds of what you need to get done. Eg. brush teeth first, or go to the toilet first? Wear this outfit or this outfit? These shoes or those shoes? Read this book or do some drawing?

Rosebloom's advice is terrific!

 

[Munchkin]

I'm halfway through "Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child" and I'm finding it helpful. A few of the more valuable pieces in it included: 1) the author was a psychologist who thought he knew all about child rearing until he got his own 'spirited' child and 2) reading that I needed to let go of the idealistic life my mind built during pregnancy including a calm, level-headed, obedient child.

My little guy has the biggest heart. Mid tantrum he will scream "I want you to be happy" or "I want to listen!" He is the light of my life and the bain of my existence. His allergist actually said "No wonder you only have one; he's the perfect birth control!" (It wasn't a malicious comment, he was actually commiserating in his octogenarian-without-a-filter kind of way.)

I routinely tell myself that he, as an adult, won't let anything stand in his way. In childhood, however, he needs to respect MY way.

Tools that have helped in our house include: give time warnings before transitions, bed, etc, ALWAYS (no matter how tired you are!) be consistent with what behaviors are ok or not (these kids remember the 'just this once' and will FIGHT until you give in), let annoyances go that you can (not being able to sit still is ok, climbing on chandeliers is not -yep, actually happened ) realize the difference between enforcing an important lesson and wanting to "win," remember to tell your little one that you love them no matter what, it's ok to dislike a child sometimes!, and avoid situations that you know will cause tension. IE I know my guy can't handle running errands late in the afternoon. I could try to change him, repeatedly force the issue, but we would just end up disliking each other. Instead, I plan errands with him for weekend mornings or my husband or I go out alone to stores after work.

Good luck.

 

[diamondringlover]

ha I have no advice...but I have a strong willed 17 year old..he never outgrew it...it has been a challenge to say the least, hang in there and my best advice is DON'T buckle...I did to my son years ago, he also have very bad asthma and when I would try to disciple him he would go into a full blown asthma attack, which of course made me feel like the worse failure ever as a mom. Hopefully like other people's kids he will get better as he gets older.

 

[partgypsy]

Two books that I found helpful was how to talk so your child will listen, and how to listen so your children will talk, and "The Blessing of a skinned knee". If anything it helped ME deal, which then helps the kid deal.

Both emphasize that the parents role is to help raise the child become a responsible self-sufficient individual, and that you can't change a child's character, but you can work with their strengths and help them with their weaknesses.

Good luck!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Posting kind of late here, but my 4 year old is very strong-willed (whereas my 6 year old is so compliant and easygoing). I've started reading the Kazdin Method for Parenting Defiant Children and like it very much. Your child is probably too young to start following the methods, but if he's still strong-willed in a couple of years, you might keep it in mind. Even if he's too young now, the book is helpful in its general philosophy.

 

[terryduran]

You can give any books for the kids but it is must benefit for the students academic career.Botany essay writing service is providing many articles and books in different categories for the kids.They are using simple language and example in these books and articles.

 

[motownmama]

I know this is an old thread, but you commented on one of my recent threads and somehow I ended up on your threads. I have 4 kids - all strong willed, but one especially off-the-charts so. I liked Blessings of a Skinned Knee, as referenced above; but, the one that really helped me was The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene. You cannot compare yourself or your child to any family that has not really experienced true strong will - understand this first and foremost. Others' advice can be very misguided. My advice is to try to let him exert his will on ANYTHING you can - clothes, food choices, etc etc - up the wazzu - then hold firm on the most important things - sleep, safety. Stuff like brushing teeth - provide choices of brushes, toothpastes, bf or after storytime etc. - let them choose between a few things ALL the time. Your will against theirs is a losing battle - trust me. You have to be creative, ex "You have a 5 minute time-out. You can sit anywhere on the front stairs or the basement stairs, but it begins right now." Good luck. Also - there may be an online forum where you can blow off steam - people's well meaning advice doesn't help unless they've really experienced it first hand. I had a professional validate that mine was in the top category of strong-willed. - We tried to give appropriate freedoms as a teen, and that helped a lot. He left for college this Fall - seems to be going well. I apologized to him for being so tough on him growing up - it was hard - we weren't sure what to do and everything we read seemed to say set firm boundaries. The Explosive Child suggested a different approach & this opened my eyes, but he was probably 11 years old bf I found the book. The author uses the phrase "chronically inflexible children" on the cover - yup - that's it in a nut shell.

 

[Skippy123]

1 2 3 Magic, is so helpful for us!!! My boys were really tough at 2 until 3 and that book was a huge help for setting limits. http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1414021378&sr=8-2&keywords=1+2+3+magic