Birthday = National Holiday?

[aprilcait]

My SIL is... difficult. I figure DH and I must be earning celestial bonus points for living so close to her and dealing with her on a regular basis.

SIL''s birthday is this month and she''s planning TWO birthday bashes for herself (she assumes her guests will pay for her at both events). When DH and I declined the invitations, she flipped. The woman is in her thirties and thinks her birthday is a national holiday. The funny thing is, my sister (who is in her early twenties) is the same way abou her birthday. So I figure it must be a relatively common thing.

Do you know anyone who considers his/her birthday a national holiday?

 

[princesss]

Nope. I kind of wish I was one of them sometimes, since my bday gets overlooked fairly often.

That would really bug me, though. Planning an event and expecting somebody else to pay for her??

 

[Circe]

I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

 

[Bia]

Yea right! Now that I'm almost 27 (eek!) I wouldn't get upset if people forgot my birthday...of course, no one ever does

My family never made a big deal about birthdays...when we were kids, we had the big parties and presents but after that, aside from a cake for dinner and some presents (or money) it wasn't as big as say, Christmas. On the other hand, my BF's family does make a big deal, and now we are bombarded with parties and having to remember to send cards or money to all these people because his family is fairly big...I'm not used to it, but it doesn't bother me. I like taking his traditions as my own for the most part.

ETA: Your SIL sounds like a royal pain...so I give it to you for being so nice. One birthday celebration is enough...if that!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/8/2009 2:17:45 PM
Author: Circe
I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

Ditto - I feel like birthdays are important and everyone should have *their* day (one day, not a week or multiples, just to be clear) where they get to do what they want. I don''t approve of planning events for yourself where others are expected to pay though - I think that crosses all kinds of lines. But that''s not really about a birthday, per se, its about etiquette in general.

 

[Erin]

I''ve never planned a party for myself

Unless of course it''s Hey anyone wanna go have a beer with me?

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/8/2009 2:08:10 PM
Author:aprilcait

Do you know anyone who considers his/her birthday a national holiday?

Not really, to answer your question. DH and I decided to stop buying gifts for siblings/spouses for birthdays and Christmass years ago. Still do for parents though. It sounds a bit grinchy, but we are adults now, and we all have children. We of course make sure to wish them a happy birthday, Merry Christmas, but beyond that it just doesn''t make sense. My brother actually bought me a Christmas present for the first time in years this past holiday. It''s this cheapy looking soap dispenser in the shape of a shoe (I love shoes). If we always had to exchange gifts I probably would have thought he was literally just trying to be cheap, but because he new he wasn''t obligated I knew what his true intention was and the gift meant soooo much more! He bought it because he thought I would like it and it made him think of me. I was so touched, I adore it and will display it proudly!

 

[Rhea]

I need to do something for my birthday, preferably a card or gift from DH on the actual day, and then dinner or movie on the weekend night closest to my birthday. It''s not a holiday at all, but I do need it to be acknowledged by my family.

 

[Cleopatra]

My best friend, though I love her dearly, expects the world on her birthday - she always plans elaborate weekend trips that cost hundreds of dollars - and gets upset if someone can''t come because of finances because "it''s her birthday"...

I love her dearly, but it does get a little overboard to expect so much out of other people for one''s birthday....I must not be a "birthday" person. I usually never do anything for my birthday and I am surprised when someone (even my own parents) gets me a gift.

 

[tlh]

You know... I find birthdays come with the question "How old are you?" So I don;t enjoy celebrating mine. I guess I am weird, but people have caught on when I have celebrated my 25th birthday more than once.

Go ahead and ask me, I'm only 25.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 1/8/2009 2:22:19 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 1/8/2009 2:17:45 PM
Author: Circe
I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

Ditto - I feel like birthdays are important and everyone should have *their* day (one day, not a week or multiples, just to be clear) where they get to do what they want. I don''t approve of planning events for yourself where others are expected to pay though - I think that crosses all kinds of lines. But that''s not really about a birthday, per se, its about etiquette in general.

Oh, I should have clarified that... oops! DH, FIL, and I will already be doing a birthday lunch or dinner for SIL. So we will be doing something for her birthday. Adding two birthday "blow-outs" (as she referrred to them in the invitations) to that seemed a bit much to us.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/8/2009 3:10:41 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 1/8/2009 2:22:19 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 1/8/2009 2:17:45 PM
Author: Circe
I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

Ditto - I feel like birthdays are important and everyone should have *their* day (one day, not a week or multiples, just to be clear) where they get to do what they want. I don''t approve of planning events for yourself where others are expected to pay though - I think that crosses all kinds of lines. But that''s not really about a birthday, per se, its about etiquette in general.

Oh, I should have clarified that... oops! DH, FIL, and I will already be doing a birthday lunch or dinner for SIL. So we will be doing something for her birthday. Adding two birthday ''blow-outs'' (as she referrred to them in the invitations) to that seemed a bit much to us.

Now that is nice... I like intimate gatherings. I am sure she will too.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/8/2009 2:22:19 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 1/8/2009 2:17:45 PM

Author: Circe

I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

Ditto - I feel like birthdays are important and everyone should have *their* day (one day, not a week or multiples, just to be clear) where they get to do what they want. I don''t approve of planning events for yourself where others are expected to pay though - I think that crosses all kinds of lines. But that''s not really about a birthday, per se, its about etiquette in general.

I''m one of those pains who gets two days. I don''t celebrate anything if it''s a work day. We always celebrate my birthday on the closest weekend day by going to dinner or doing something. I do like the card on my actual birthday though.

 

[Circe]

Date: 1/8/2009 3:10:41 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 1/8/2009 2:22:19 PM

Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 1/8/2009 2:17:45 PM

Author: Circe

I wouldn''t say mine is a national holiday ... but if a close family member opted out of it with two opportunities for celebration, I''d be miffed.

Ditto - I feel like birthdays are important and everyone should have *their* day (one day, not a week or multiples, just to be clear) where they get to do what they want. I don''t approve of planning events for yourself where others are expected to pay though - I think that crosses all kinds of lines. But that''s not really about a birthday, per se, its about etiquette in general.

Oh, I should have clarified that... oops! DH, FIL, and I will already be doing a birthday lunch or dinner for SIL. So we will be doing something for her birthday. Adding two birthday ''blow-outs'' (as she referrred to them in the invitations) to that seemed a bit much to us.

Okay, that changes things. My own general MO is to plan a dinner or party - I don''t ever expect anyone to pay for me, but the loose tradition in my social circle(s) is that the birthday girl/boy eats/drinks for free (the loose corollary is that the birthday girl/boy doesn''t schedule something outside of pocketbook range for all of the guests). It''s cooler if someone plans it FOR you, but ... I''ve seen this happen exactly once among all my friends, and that''s ''cause I was the one doing the planning! I''ve had friends RSVP in the negative or even just plain bail on big gatherings, and it''s fine, so long as there is SOME observation of the natal day. A special lunch of dinner is completely awesome in my book. Your SIL does sound like she''s being a little me-me-me, given that.

 

[steph72276]

Maybe she is just lonely? Does she have a husband or boyfriend? If not, maybe she is just making herself feel better with lots of friends around...2 is over the top though.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think a small family lunch/dinner is always an appropriate way to celebrate a relative''s birthday, in the absence of a specific request or reason to do otherwise, which it doesn''t sound like there is.

Given that you''re already doing that here, I think you are completely justified in turning down SIL''s other invites.

 

[InLuv101]

Lol, I have a birthday week! But this is only observed by my DH (it was his idea)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

We had a relative who planned a b-day party for himself EVERY year for quite a number of years and he supplied all the food and beverages! The parties were a lot of fun and there was NO pressure from guests to shell out money.

There a thread a while back about a woman who had invited a bunch of friends to dinner for her birthday and then at the end, handed them the bill and got up and left. The bill was for $3,450! Each person was expected to pay $500 of that bill!

Here's a link to the online article that the thread mentioned:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/09/10/lw.pay.for.my.party/index.html

Like Addy, my dh and I celebrate wtih a dinner and/or movie on both of our birthdays. For me, that is quite the treat since we have kids and a quiet evening is a gift in itself. This year, I also stocked up on fun stuff from Sephora and bought some candles. Guess I'm easy to please

 

[MishB]

In my opinion, if someone sends you an invitation to a dinner at a restaurant, they should be paying the entire bill. As opposed to just ''we are going out to dinner on my birthday would you like to come along''. I invited friends to a dinner at an expensive restaurant for my last birthday, and paid for it, but it was a ''milestone'' birthday.

It''s just a sign of the times isn''t it, the ''me, me, me'' culture of today. Stick to your guns, don''t go if you''d rather not.

 

[musey]

Pretty much everyone I know is uncomfortable with birthday attention. Weird, since more than half of us work in the entertainment industry!

 

[kittybean]

I make sure FI treats it like a major holiday, and I do the same for him. However, I don''t expect too much of my friends. I plan parties for myself, but I always provide the food and beverages. I like to have a celebration with friends, and then one with family, and maybe an extra one with just FI if we can squeeze it in

.

 

[Elmorton]

Ditto to what Musey said - most people I know are uncomfortable with it, myself included.

Apparently, when I was little, my extended family all wanted to celebrate my bday (I''m the youngest grandchild on both sides by about 15 years), so my parents would end up having two or three parties. I think this ended by age 6 because I don''t remember any big parties, but for all the years that I actually remember, my parents would tell me that they''d had enough with the celebrating me! I typically had small b-day parties except for one in Jr. High when the mega-sleepover was the big thing. In college, my friends and I usually threw awesome parties or made plans for a friend because college birthdays were sad at first (missing old friends, family) and scary (getting older) or the big 21 (drunk!). After that - it seems strange to get too excited, with the exception of milestones (30, 50, 90).

A friend of mine has a SIL who is birthday OBSESSED. The girl is 20-something, married, and will throw a FIT if she COUNTS her gifts and realizes that there are fewer than the year before. In my book, that''s scary.

 

[Porridge]

Every year I promise I will chill out about my birthday, but I always get really excited in the days coming up to it. I don't throw parties or expect gifts (my friends are all students, we usually buy each other funny socks!) but I do have a night out with my friends and it's usually a given that the birthday girl/boy gets a few drinks bought for them. I had a big party for my 21st but I provided food and stuff. On my birthday I'm like a monkey on speed, I'm just thrilled with myself and I'm always on a high. Also FI is just brilliant at getting really cool presents and that adds to my excitement.

But TWO parties?? I want a little more information about this. Why two? One for family one for friends? Or are people expected to attend both? Is it in restaurants or somewhere that's expensive for people to go? Is this normal in her social circle? Does everyone have to get her a present? Sorry for all the questions, but it all sounds a bit mad to me

BTW totally off topic, but I moved to California YESTERDAY and we just had an earthquake, the whole apartment shook for a few seconds!! My heart is pounding!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Sorry to hear about the SIL difficulties, Aprilcait!

I think birthday style is about as diverse as ring or clothes or shoe styles. Some people LOVE huge bashes, and want to be the center of attention for as long as possible, and that''s fine. Me, I really don''t go for that - I like a small gathering, with family and BF and closest friends only. Last year, on my actual birthday, BF and I went out to a nice dinner and a wine bar and it was great. We met up with friends the following night to celebrate with them. I would hate to think that people feel obligated to deal with my birthdays...! But that''s only one person''s opinion

 

[Hera]

Date: 1/8/2009 11:08:29 PM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
Sorry to hear about the SIL difficulties, Aprilcait!


I think birthday style is about as diverse as ring or clothes or shoe styles. Some people LOVE huge bashes, and want to be the center of attention for as long as possible, and that''s fine. Me, I really don''t go for that - I like a small gathering, with family and BF and closest friends only. Last year, on my actual birthday, BF and I went out to a nice dinner and a wine bar and it was great. We met up with friends the following night to celebrate with them. I would hate to think that people feel obligated to deal with my birthdays...! But that''s only one person''s opinion

I agree. I know both types and I happen to be the one who is pretty careless about birthdays. I''m always so touched when someone remembers it or celebrates it with me. That being said, on my 30th birthday, I threw myself a big party because I wanted one. My uncle told me that I couldn''t give myself a birthday party but I didn''t let it phase me. I mean, "why not?" I see nothing wrong with a little self indulgence in moderation.

 

[bee*]

I love celebrating my birthday but two parties is a bit much unless it''s two totally different set of friends at each one. As you''re throwing her a party lunch, she shouldn''t be upset that you''re not making the others.

 

[partgypsy]

I have a twin sister, so it is a kind of tradition that we send each other gifts on each other''s birthdays, often stuff we saved up all year long, some nice things but also just personal, fun, goofy stuff that we think the other person would enjoy or have a laugh at. So my biggest gift for my birthday is always from my sister (and vice versa). I don''t like alot of attention paid to me for birthdays or celebrations in general. When I was younger I would often go out with my friends and someone would buy me a beer. Nowadays my birthdays have been going out to a nice dinner (my choice!) with my hubby.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 1/8/2009 10:54:56 PM
Author: Porridge
Every year I promise I will chill out about my birthday, but I always get really excited in the days coming up to it. I don''t throw parties or expect gifts (my friends are all students, we usually buy each other funny socks!) but I do have a night out with my friends and it''s usually a given that the birthday girl/boy gets a few drinks bought for them. I had a big party for my 21st but I provided food and stuff. On my birthday I''m like a monkey on speed, I''m just thrilled with myself and I''m always on a high. Also FI is just brilliant at getting really cool presents and that adds to my excitement.

But TWO parties?? I want a little more information about this. Why two? One for family one for friends? Or are people expected to attend both? Is it in restaurants or somewhere that''s expensive for people to go? Is this normal in her social circle? Does everyone have to get her a present? Sorry for all the questions, but it all sounds a bit mad to me

BTW totally off topic, but I moved to California YESTERDAY and we just had an earthquake, the whole apartment shook for a few seconds!! My heart is pounding!

To answer your questions, Porridge, I''m not quite sure why she planned two parties. My probably to stretch out her birthday an extend our time orbiting around her a bit more.

One gathering is for everyone: her siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. The other is for her SILs, girlfriends, and female co-workers (i.e.: the females invited to the first party are also expected to attend the second).
One gathering is at a high-priced restaurant and the other is at an over-priced bar (she has expensive taste, but it''s more of a "if it''s expensive, it makes me look cool" thing rather than an aim for quality).
I don''t know if the two self-created, other-sponsored birthday party thing is normal in her social circle, but I would hope not.
Knowing SIL, I believe she expects something from each guest. However, if a guest attends both parties, which is what she is aiming for, I doubt SIL will expect a present for both gatherings from the same guest. At least I sincerely hope not... yikes!

 

[Porridge]

Well she does sound ... difficult

excellent idea to bring her for a birthday lunch. It seems like you''re well used to dealing with her!

 

[Sparkalicious]

I always enjoy saying that I celebrate a bday month and love teasing my parents and fi about it for fun. As I''ve gotten older though, I''m tending to chill on the fanfare.

I don''t see a problem enjoying your birthday and wanting to celebrate but ... a national holiday - hardly! I can''t see myself planning a big bash or 2 for myself and expecting people to have to shell out cash to celebrate me ... If you are going to have a birthday bash, let alone two ... you shell out the cash and make it fun for your guests to celebrate with you. Just my opinion.

Good for you guys for celebrating her special day but not succumbing to her subtle or not so subtle bday manipulations.