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- Jun 8, 2008
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"There is no example of inevitability that can compare with the sight of a gifted young man narrowing down into an ordinary old man - not through personal misfortune, merely through the process of dehydration to which he was predestined." - Robert Musil, The Man Without Qualities.
When I was young, I knew I was going to be a mathematician. Mathematics was pretty much my whole life. I did very well at it at school and university. But I came to realize that though I had the interest and worked hard, I just didn't have the required intelligence and creativity.
"Many are called, but few are chosen."
Some years ago when my late partner was still alive, our paths crossed via attending rallies organised by a car club.
The club decided to organise a charity ball, and I volunteered to help out with administrative tasks such as attendees and their menu choices, prizes for raffles, table plans etc. etc...
There were lots of printing to be done such as menus, seating plans, list of diners per table, individual menu choices, etc., and lots of updating of the database, chasing, etc. etc...
I spent hours helping out, printing late into the night leading up to the event, did not claim for ink and paper.
On the night itself, there was thank you's and speeches by the owner of the online car club, the two originators of the idea of event.
There was a collection for a gift for one of the two originators. The proceeds were donated to the chosen charitable of the other originator.
I was not mentioned in any of the speeches, not a single thank you, let alone a single flower.
I was so disappointed I cried in the privacy of my own hotel room after the event with my late partner next to me, as I believed my efforts should have been acknowledged by the others.
Since then, I have decided I would only volunteer to do what I am prepared to do without any expectations of a thank you.
DK![]()
"There is no example of inevitability that can compare with the sight of a gifted young man narrowing down into an ordinary old man - not through personal misfortune, merely through the process of dehydration to which he was predestined." - Robert Musil, The Man Without Qualities.
When I was young, I knew I was going to be a mathematician. Mathematics was pretty much my whole life. I did very well at it at school and university. But I came to realize that though I had the interest and worked hard, I just didn't have the required intelligence and creativity.
"Many are called, but few are chosen."
I have a male friend who I had been close friends with for over 10 years. When he got a girlfriend, the day they started officially dating, he told me we cannot be friends anymore because his girlfriend minds him having female friends. He didn't try to talk to her to work it out at all, just straight up dropped me. I got so mad I yelled at him over the phone for over 2 hours. I was so disappointed that he would do this to me just because of our gender differences. I have never tried to cross boundaries and our relationship was purely platonic. He said some bullshit like "Even if you aren't in my life, you will always be a good friend in my heart." as if I am dead or something.
We still talk occasionally after he realized how hurt I was, to mainly complain how controlling his girlfriend is, but I have refused to participate in his rants because he would never choose to leave her no matter how toxic the whole relationship sounded. He is getting married to her next month, and I have stopped reaching out.
I am disappointed in people like him who cannot see past labels and rules society has created.
Hugh Jackman.
Previously considered to be one of the nicest men in Australia's entertainment industry, he had an affair with his costar while still married, dumped his wife of 27 years, and is now flaunting miss fancy pants (who filed for divorce from her husband 3 months ago also) around town. Both he and his new girlfriend have children - Jackman's adopted.
Regardless of how nice they seem, they always seem to end the same. Yuk.
Hugh Jackman.
Previously considered to be one of the nicest men in Australia's entertainment industry, he had an affair with his costar while still married, dumped his wife of 27 years, and is now flaunting miss fancy pants (who filed for divorce from her husband 3 months ago also) around town. Both he and his new girlfriend have children - Jackman's adopted.
Regardless of how nice they seem, they always seem to end the same. Yuk.
Also, I'm wondering how it generally goes with girlfriends/boyfriends and opposite sex friends. Have things really changed very much?
The absolute foundational destructive power of lies.
This post stayed on my mind because it used to be the norm (where I'm from anyway) that (hetero) male-female friendships ended when either found a romantic partner. I don't think I ever took my friendships with guys very seriously when I was young. I guess in the back of my mind, I considered them temporary friendships because of these unspoken "rules." Now I hear a lot of how that's a very sexist concept, which has made me re-consider. In any case, so sorry you lost your friend.
It would be nice if your ten years in was valued enough that she'd/they'd at least give you a chance to fit in with their new arrangement, the three of you hanging out or something. Then she might realize you're not a threat and maybe you and she would even become friends, in the same way you might if you were his sister.
Another thing that struck me is that, while he complains that she's controlling, he seems to be fully playing his part in that dynamic by agreeing to her wishes, then contacting you, against what he agreed to with her. Neither of their actions/attitudes look very good for long term success imo. But if his relationship doesn't work out, I'd just be careful with him in the future, because he's already shown how your friendship could end.
Also, I'm wondering how it generally goes with girlfriends/boyfriends and opposite sex friends. Have things really changed very much?
This marriage ending didn’t surprise me at all. Hugh and his wife always seemed like they were selling to the world how perfect their marriage was. When people do this it’s often because they are trying to convince themselves. If you have a happy marriage, you’re just happy and content. Why on earth would you feel like you had to constantly flaunt it and tell everyone how wonderful the marriage and your partner is for you? If you know you have a happy marriage, isn’t that enough? Does anyone really care about someone else’s marriage? If you and your spouse are happy and have a strong marriage I think it would be pretty difficult for someone to come between that.
I debated whether to post about this or not for a while, but oh well.
I think your biggest disappointment changes, over time. I can think of a few instances that jump out at me over time that would qualify for “biggest disappointment”, but then something new happens, and even if it isn’t objectively worse it feels that way because it’s newer. So with that lens in mind…
My SO and I, the one I was sure I was The One, the one I was going to marry, parted ways a few months ago. I didn’t let on when it happened here on PS (I guess PS is my safe space) because we didn’t just end it and have it not work out (which would’ve been disappointing enough), but because he reverted back to one of his worst instincts that I was absolutely sure he would not do with me (we had been friends before we got together) and I just didn’t feel okay seeing that written out in front of me. I barely feel ready to see it now.
He had, in the past, in some relationships, cheated on his girlfriends - which I found out only because he told me (early on in the first try at our relationship) and swore that he had grown from that, that he realised what a terrible thing it was to do and that he would never do it again. That he only used to do it because he used to panic when relationships got serious and cheating was a form of self destructive behaviour that would wreck the relationship but that he wasn’t like that anymore and wanted something serious, that it had been ages since he had done that. I chalked it up to mistakes made when you’re young and foolish. The first time we parted ways very early on because I wasn’t ready to date someone seriously, having split from my own ex not too long before that. But a year later, he was still in my life, he had become my best friend, he was perfect, so I thought I had to give it another chance, and I did, and our relationship was great. We were discussing marriage and I was expecting him to propose in December. But a few months prior to that I found out - with inconvertible proof - that he had been cheating on me.
I think the aftermath of that was mostly devastation, but the fact that he would do that to me caused so much disappointment as well. He was my best friend. He was my soulmate. He knew it was messed up and wrong to do it. And again - he did it when things between us got extremely serious, so for the same reasons, and he didn’t really try to hide it from me either. So again - he did it because he wanted out of the relationship but instead of just breaking up with me like an adult, he reverted to this awful behaviour and I just didn’t think he would treat me like this.
So the disappointment was caused by him, for just behaving in such a callous and messed up and childish way; but also in myself, for believing him when he said he changed. I always said I wouldn’t tolerate cheaters; but I dated him knowing he had done this in the past, and I believed when he said he wouldn’t do it again, especially since he was the one who told me about this behaviour as his deepest regret.
I debated whether to post about this or not for a while, but oh well.
I think your biggest disappointment changes, over time. I can think of a few instances that jump out at me over time that would qualify for “biggest disappointment”, but then something new happens, and even if it isn’t objectively worse it feels that way because it’s newer. So with that lens in mind…
My SO and I, the one I was sure I was The One, the one I was going to marry, parted ways a few months ago. I didn’t let on when it happened here on PS (I guess PS is my safe space) because we didn’t just end it and have it not work out (which would’ve been disappointing enough), but because he reverted back to one of his worst instincts that I was absolutely sure he would not do with me (we had been friends before we got together) and I just didn’t feel okay seeing that written out in front of me. I barely feel ready to see it now.
He had, in the past, in some relationships, cheated on his girlfriends - which I found out only because he told me (early on in the first try at our relationship) and swore that he had grown from that, that he realised what a terrible thing it was to do and that he would never do it again. That he only used to do it because he used to panic when relationships got serious and cheating was a form of self destructive behaviour that would wreck the relationship but that he wasn’t like that anymore and wanted something serious, that it had been ages since he had done that. I chalked it up to mistakes made when you’re young and foolish. The first time we parted ways very early on because I wasn’t ready to date someone seriously, having split from my own ex not too long before that. But a year later, he was still in my life, he had become my best friend, he was perfect, so I thought I had to give it another chance, and I did, and our relationship was great. We were discussing marriage and I was expecting him to propose in December. But a few months prior to that I found out - with inconvertible proof - that he had been cheating on me.
I think the aftermath of that was mostly devastation, but the fact that he would do that to me caused so much disappointment as well. He was my best friend. He was my soulmate. He knew it was messed up and wrong to do it. And again - he did it when things between us got extremely serious, so for the same reasons, and he didn’t really try to hide it from me either. So again - he did it because he wanted out of the relationship but instead of just breaking up with me like an adult, he reverted to this awful behaviour and I just didn’t think he would treat me like this.
So the disappointment was caused by him, for just behaving in such a callous and messed up and childish way; but also in myself, for believing him when he said he changed. I always said I wouldn’t tolerate cheaters; but I dated him knowing he had done this in the past, and I believed when he said he wouldn’t do it again, especially since he was the one who told me about this behaviour as his deepest regret.