big diamond upgrade- second thoughts

[radiantgal]

Hi Pricescopers,
I have been a huge lurker on this site as of late and I just love it. Just a bit of my history. I will be married 10 years this year. My dh gave me an ering that he picked out himself with a surprise engagement 10 years ago. The ring is beautiful but not the shape or size I really wanted (rb, 3 stone, 1 ct center). I am from LA and most of my friends had bigger stones - and I was always prepared to help buy a bigger one since at the time I made way more than my dh - but with him surprising me I had no say in the ring. Also, I always preferred emerald or square (now radiant!).

Cut 10 years to now. My husband''s business is going great and he had recently bought himself and his mother some expensive toys so he suggested that I look for a piece of jewelry for myself ( since he now knows I dont really like expensive surprises). In the past when I mentioned upgrading my ering he would get defensive and say "what''s wrong with your ring - I spent all my savings on it", etc. So I would feel bad and not push it. Well I dont really wear other jewlry so I didn''t want to spend good money on something I would only wear occasionally so I talked him into upgrading. He said fine as long as I did all the legwork and he would not be tortured into obsesssing about it (like I like to do!).
Anyway, I found a gorgeous 3 ct radiant I am currently having set with side traps (.33 each) in platinum. It is magnificent! However he is still not excited about upgrading (he thinks it is pretentious and showoffy - he wont say that but when I tell him about it he just says "well if that''s what you want" and shakes his head). Also, now we live in a small town in the midwest (Chicago suburb) where generally people do not wear big rings even if they can afford it. Dont get me started on my husband''s car collection - he says they are investments while a diamond will just loose value. My response is - I realize that, but I am buying a diamond for emotional reasons not an investment and I will never try to resell it. Now the ring I have always wanted and 60% paid for already, is giving me anxiety. I am having huge second thoughts about buying this mongo diamond. My dh still thinks it is silly to upgrade and I may feel out of place wearing it around some people in my community.
Am I just having the usual buyers remorse? or will I regret this? Will people even care about my ring 2 seconds after looking at it? If I dont get it will my regret be worse, that I let the opportunity go?

Sorry, so long,
Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
Anxious Radiantgal

 

[Lorelei]

Hi RG and welcome!

Some will never understand the passion some of us ladies have for big diamonds, which can include guys! However a big rock can be a huge source of happiness to some of us. Like you, I live in an area where big diamonds are very unusual ( unheard of actually) but I wear my big rock with pride and don''t worry what anyone else thinks. It gets easier with practise!

Am I just having the usual buyers remorse?
Probably. It is a large purchase on a purely luxury item which is for you alone. I think it can be natural to think about what else the money could buy in practical terms! It can be scary to drop a significant amount of $$ on a sparkly rock, even I should imagine if you can easily afford it!

or will I regret this?
Only you can say, but my opinion is that it is something you have wanted for so long, that I think you have probably planned the purchase out with care and know as far as possible, that it will make you happy.

Will people even care about my ring 2 seconds after looking at it?
Probably most won''t, you need to get this ring to make YOU happy. Sometimes a larger rock can command attention so you may need to be prepared for this, but it is your feelings that count and trust me, post some pictures of it here and we will gladly share in your joy!

If I dont get it will my regret be worse, that I let the opportunity go?
I think this is likely, as it is something you have wanted for so long. Sometimes in this life, we have to grab the things which make us happy, you have this chance and although your Husband may not be overjoyed about it, he may well do once he sees how happy the new ring makes you. Also some guys can get sentimentally attached to the original ring they proposed with and see upgrading in a different light, so make sure to emphasize that the new ring isn''t a replacement of your original e-ring as nothing could be as special as that, but a new ring to wear and enjoy.

I hope some of this will be of help to you! I hope if you continue with this fab project that you post tons of pics for us to enjoy!

 

[crown1]

it seems you have already committed to it as it is currently being set. i also think that you may have trouble lobbying for something in the future if you change your mind now. you seem to be able to afford it and want no other jewelry so i would not second guess and just enjoy the ring. i hope you will enjoy it and wear it with no remorse. if you are financially reasonable and charitable otherwise i think you can take a pass on this.

 

[lyra]

Well, definitely don''t buy the ring because of what other people might or might not think about it. If no one around you wears diamonds that size, they''ll all probably think it''s fake anyway.

If your husband is having trouble because of HIS emotional attachment to your engagement ring, would you consider wearing the new ring on your right hand? Or switching your E-ring to your right hand? It sounds like it''s the sentimental factor that''s holding him back, or is partly his reasoning.

Do what you feel is best, and what you can afford to do obviously. You probably would regret letting it go, but also keep in mind you might feel a bit of remorse if you do buy it too. That''s normal really. I think we all feel a bit of something after making a large purchase. Good luck. It does sound fabulous.

 

[aljdewey]

He''s a MAN. Most men just don''t ''get'' the whole jewelry thing.

He can squawk all he wants about his cars being ''investments'', and if that''s what he tells himself to make him feel justified about his purchases, fabulous.

PLEASE.....don''t let his lack of enthusiasm or thinking that it''s silly make you pass this opportunity by. This is important to YOU and you''ve waited a long time for it. It''s not an impetuous purchase that you haven''t thought out, or something you want now but might grow weary of once you''ve had it.

No, this is something you''ve wanted for a while. DO it, and don''t feel guilty about it. Be realistic, too.....he''s not going to jump on the "wow, you were so right, what a great idea to upgrade" wagon....but it''s ok. He doesn''t have to.

It''s enough that YOU love it.

 

[Eva17]

Radiantgal, there is often buyers remorse on such a large ticket item. You WILL get over it.


You have waited, the time feels right, so wear it and enjoy it. You have gotten great advice here. He doesn''t have to love it, just like you don''t have to love his cars. As long as the funds are there and you both agree to the expense, then you need to feel good about your choice.

You will just have to post pictures and come here when you want to feel like you are in good jewel loving company!!!!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I am sure that you are feeling some buyers remorse, but I think that will subside once you get your gorgeous dream ring! YOu would probably feel a bit better about it if DH was more excited about it. The only reason my DH was excited about my 10th anniversary ring is because one of our boating friends is the jeweler who made it, otherwise he would not care either, lol.

Be excited about your ring, I am sure that all of this will change once you have that beauty on your finger!

 

[vespergirl]

First of all, don''t feel guilty & enjoy your ring!

Second, when I read that your husband said that his cars are "investments" I laughed out loud - everyone knows that cars lose value the moment they''re driven off the lot. Good diamonds keep their value.

Men tend to feel sentimental about engagement rings, and the first time I wanted to upgrade, and first my husband was hesitant, but when I educated him about diamond cut (the one I had was way too deep) he just wanted me to get what would make me happy - especially since he spent so much on the ring, he wanted it to be a "great" diamond.

I would wear your old e-ring on your right hand to show that it still has sentimental value for you, and don''t let him rain on your parade.

If he tries to give you grief, maybe you could remind him that the next time he''s thinking about buying a car or toy, that money could be earning interest in a retirement savings account, or feeding half the children in a small country in Africa for a year - you''re allowed to fling a little guilt around yourself (I know, I''m bad

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Welcome!! Your ring sounds wonderful! Please post hand shots!!! (really, it is requsite on here on Pricescope!!

)

I agree with the others--and can say from lived experience that your "guilt" or "buyers remorse" will likely be short lived. Or at least, mine was. Enjoy your ring, take pleasure in it's beauty and mind very little what others think.

Now here are those pics??????

cheers--Sharon

 

[decodelighted]

Couple things ...

a) CONGRATS!!! On 10 great yrs & the new bling!

b) Everyone has buyers remorse at least a little bit ... it will pass

c) Would you want him to NOT buy a car he really wants because you scoff at it or don''t "get it"??

d) C''mon now -- cars are just as flashy as diamonds. People are sometimes rolling their eyes at him & talking about his, um, potential shortcomings, if he "needs" fancy cars. Does that make it true? OF COURSE NOT. People just like to talk & gossip & stir the pot. It doesn''t stop HIM, it shouldn''t stop YOU.

e) Honestly ... I would bet that he softens his position once you have the ring and he sees how OTHERS react to it in your social circle & he gets "credit" for showering you with such bling. He might deny, deny at first ... but when he sees how awestruck folks become and how much attention it gets among those who do oooh&ahhh over bling ... he''ll "get it". And be secretly proud.

 

[partgypsy]

I will second and third what people say about buyer''s remorse, or whatever you want to call that feeling of holy cow, I just dropped that much money on something that fits in a shot glass!

I am in much more modest circumstances than you, and hence my purchases are much more modest in comparison. But even so, and even though the money''s in the bank to pay for it and it''s not affecting our other goals, I have to psych myself up to make a big jewelry purchase, because I don''t know, I feel guilty for buying something that really just for pleasure to myself.

But once you get the ring, that feeling will wear off. If it makes you feel better, maybe the first time you wear the ring, wear it for a special occasion or when you are dressed up, take it out on the town. Instead of letting your hubby feel guilty about it, shower him with gratitude, say how it makes you feel like a million bucks, let him feel good about it too. And wear it proudly. Once you "break it in" you most probably will want to wear it in a wider range of situations.

 

[bettymac]

I had a similar experience with my husband when I wanted to upgrade my ring after twenty-something years. His reaction (hurt feelings) made me feel terrible at first and I dropped the idea. Once the seed was planted though, he surprised me with a beautiful new stone for our 25th anniversary and we had fun picking out a setting together. After that, he got very interested in diamonds and jewelry and gained an appreciation for my "hobby", lol.

As for my original stone, for a couple of years I continued to wear it on my left hand to certain places where I felt it was more appropriate than the very blingy new set. Eventually, as I became more comfortable with my larger stone, I had the first one put into a bezel set pendant and wear it everyday as it has great sentimetal value.

If you''re anything like me, you won''t regret taking the plunge and getting that upgrade. I bet your husband will love it when he sees it and and be really pleased when he sees how much pleasure it gives you.

 

[radiantgal]

Thank you everyone for your comments!!
It was really helpful in aleviating my guilt. It''s nice to see I am not the only one with these thoughts of guilt and remorse with such a big purchase. Deep down I know I will buy the ring since I have always wanted it and the circumstances financially are Ok right now. I just wanted him to be more happy about it like it seems your dh''s are. It is good to know that he just might not "get it" and I am unnecessarily letting it rain on my parade. Like you all strongly suggested, I will wear the ring because it has been a dream of mine and some day I will be old and really wish I had not have cared so much what others think.

I think what is also fueling my guilt is that I went over our budget. The 2 ct stones didn''t seem "worth" really rocking the boat with dh because they didn''t seem that differnt in size/spread from my rb. I think because emerald cuts and radiants look smaller from the top. So I went to 3 to just do it. Then by the time I added the perfect side stones and platinum- you get my drift. I will also be trading in my original ering or I would be crazy over budget. So wearing it on my right hand is not an option. I will just shower dh with how wonderful he is to be doing this that I hope any sentimental value it had will be trumped by the happiness the new ring will bring me.

The other thing I want to clarify. To any men reading this - do not let this post dissuade you from doing a complete surprise engagement. I hope my post did not sound ungrateful for my dh''s thought and $ put into a surprise for me. I would not have changed that for the world. Even though I am a major control freak, I cherish that I had that experience in my life. It ultimately was more important than getting the perfect ring. So please do surprise away!! Just realize that in a couple of years there is a 50-50 chance (ok not scientificlly determined) that she could start talking upgrade.

My other thought - and this is because I tend to dramatize alot, is that I had this vision of a woman trading in her original ceremony blessed ring for a big blingy one. Then, the man divorces her and she is left looking like a fool with this big ring and no man. Like you shouldn''t mess with your original vows and rings or your marriage will be jinxed. I know, I know this is random but the thought did cross my mind. Any thoughts on this?

The other thing someone brought up is my dh''s collector cars. He doesn''t give a hoot about buying them (as far as what people think) and he drives them alot on weekends around town (our friends all know the cars),trips and to car events. However, he doesn''t drive them to work because he doesn''t want his patients thinking he is extravagant. Maybe I will adopt the same attitude and just wear my wedding band to work functions and the whole set for everyday. Wow my guilt really did go away. Maybe because it is evening and it tends to come back when I am trying to sleep.

I am very grateful for all of your input. I will post pictures when I receive the ring next week

.

Radiantgal

 

[surfgirl]

I think you need to make a nice cup of tea and sit back with a copy of Town & Country magazine and revel in the jewelry ads...then get even more excited about your soon to be on your finger ring!