Bereavement gifts

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Hey all,

I was hoping you could help me think of some bereavement gift ideas. Unfortunately, my boyfriend's father passed away in a tragic accident the other day. I feel helpless as I've yet to lose someone very close to me, and I don't know how best to help my BF.

I've gotten great advice on what to do personally - listen, be patient, just be there for him. I'd also like to give a gift (not flowers or chocolate) but I'm stumped on ideas

For those who have lost someone, what helped you the most? What gifts, if any, made an impact? Or what have you given to someone who has experienced such loss?

Thanks.

 

[NewShiny]

Is there something symbolic of what your boyfriend's father enjoyed that you could get your boyfriend to remind him of his father?

This threat is timely as I just attended the funeral service for the mother of a close friend. Her mother loved to entertain, so I bought my friend a beautiful serving dish and told her I hoped it would remind her of her mom whenever she used it.

 

[crown1]

Pendleton blanket. Elders/Circle of Life.

 

[MarionC]

Having gone through this, I think I would have appreciated food more than tangibles, and the quiet presence of friends. A wonderful fruit basket, etc. My sister and I ate a ton of ice cream and comfort foods and took care of each other by bringing food treats to each other.
In our case there was so much "stuff" from my Mom's estate that a gift would have been just more to deal with.
Except, the blanket idea DOES sound comforting.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Jimmi

 

[Rena7]

I guess it depends on the person. When my father passed away someone gave me a potted plant and every time I looked at it I was just upset. I called it the death plant. We eventually just threw it in the trash. Some people might not want a reminder of such a painful event. You know your boyfriend best.

 

[missy]

I'm so sorry BEG. I think anything you can do to make what your bf and his family are going through easier would be a lovely gesture. Offering to take care of the food during this time for example. In my religion bereavement gifts are not given per se but we pay shiva calls and spend time with the family and bring food so they don't have to focus on peripheral things.

 

[JewelFreak]

Suggestions of food are the best. I can't think of any time when gifts are given for a death. Grieving people do not want to deal with things & they will always remind them afterward of a horrible time. There simply are instances where things don't make problems better -- compassion, caring, do.

Here's my experience from when each of my parents died: getting meals, especially if the house is full of guests or family, is tough, so food is always appreciated. Unless so much has already been given that they're overwhelmed with it.

In that case, offer to do errands, make phone calls (to cancel or make appointments or whatever is needed), help clean the house -- anything practical that's of use.

Please do not send flowers -- your instinct on that is great! When my dad died -- I was 17 -- the house became crammed with bouquets & I still cannot stand the scent of cut flowers; our house smelled just like a funeral parlor. It made me want to throw up.

Be there for him. Let him talk -- often survivors after a sudden death need to keep the person alive by talking about him. Do not show pity! It makes the mourner feel separate, different, apart. Just be the same You you've always been.

If you're not close to his family enough to help around their house, send them a note telling something you remember about the father or saying what loving things your BF has said about him in the past. That's all you need to do -- no presents!

--- Laurie

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm so sorry, BEG. I can only imagine how hard that must be. Were your boyfriend and his dad close? What about maybe framing a picture of the two of them during a particularly special moment/event/occasion? That's tough. Other than food (which could be overdone, I suppose, even if the thought is there), I'm not sure what else to suggest.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I have never heard of getting someone a bereavment gift other than bringing food or flowers. Why would someone want a gift at this time? I would think most things would feel pretty meaningless in light of the loss. I would offer to help with food for after the services. I really dont think a gift is necessary or appropriate, even though the though behind it is so very kind, BEG. I am so sorry for your loss.


I think a framed photo though would be and awesome idea! Seconds to that.

 

[Gypsy]

I like Edible Arrangements. Combines food "flowers" and sunshine all in one. And most people need fruit.

Other than that... Men, grieve very well, oddly, for their fathers.

If his father had a favorite drink... like scotch or whiskey. You could buy him a bottle so he can toast him. Or something like that.


But I don't think of bereavement as a "gifting" occasion. Not even photos. I think those are appropriate AFTER the initial bereavement. But during the actual weeks after, just be there.

I'm sorry for his loss.

 

[Sakuracherry]

I am very sorry for your BF's loss. When my father passed away, my mother and I wet very busy and tired having to deal with so much paperwork and many people coming in for funeral. I appreciated how my neighbors checked on us often to make sure we were ok. They also brought food so that we didn't have to worry about cooking and grocery shopping. Just be there for him and bring food for him and his family if you can.

 

[marcy]

I am so sorry, BEG. It is hard. My best suggestion is to be there for him, offer to run errands or make arrangements for things. Making phone calls can be helpful. Is there a charity he supported? I think that is always a nice way to remember someone.

Take care. Your BF has some rough days ahead of him.

Marcy

 

[lovebug1031]

I have never heard of getting someone a bereavment gift other than bringing food or flowers. Why would someone want a gift at this time? I would think most things would feel pretty meaningless in light of the loss. I would offer to help with food for after the services. I really dont think a gift is necessary or appropriate, even though the though behind it is so very kind, BEG. I am so sorry for your loss.


I think a framed photo though would be and awesome idea! Seconds to that.

i tend to agree with this - i lost my dad pretty suddenly a few years ago and a gift at that point would have been awful. I think it may be nice to start a tradition for him at a birthday or christmas instead. My mom started a hallmark series (fishing and outdoors related ornaments) in memory of my dad for me. Just a thought!

I think the best thing you can do is just be there for him and offer to do tasks that normally seem mundane, but can become quite a chore when you're experiencing grief.

edit: for me, the worst thing anyone could say to me was "is there anything i can do" i just wanted to scream at them ...so best advice, just do, don't ask.

 

[MollyMalone]

It's so sweet of you, B.E.G., to reach out for suggestions; it's an undeniably difficult time for the family members, and for those who care about them.

I don't know how wide/supportive a circle of friends they have, but we were overwhelmed by food offerings in the days immediately after my mother died; we stashed quite a bit in the freezer for my dad, but also ended up donating a sizable amount to a local, homeless shelter who could make immediate use of it. So you might want to hold off on food preparation until a bit more time has passed -- or make a salad to accompany one of the casserole dishes that's likely to there.

A couple of general thoughts... he may be impatient/irritable. I wasn't bugged, as lovebug was, by "what can I do?" queries, but I felt like strangling my secretary one day after I'd returned to work. As I passed by her desk at lunchtime, she started to give me an earful about how another member of the support staff wasn't doing her fair share, etc. Her gripes may actually have been legit, but I had to suppress an odd sense of rage & the urge to scream, "My mother is dead, and you're b*tching about some stupid photocopying??!" And although there is never a good time to lose a cherished parent, it seemed especially wrong/unfair that my mother died 2 weeks before Mother's Day.

But at least, we'd known she was terminally ill, so we had made many happy memories as a family in the months before her death; she died at home, we were able to wish her peace and Godspeed. The mourning of your BF and his family is bumping up against Father's Day & they were denied the opportunity to lovingly bid him farewell.

Even if he is ordinarily an outgoing extrovert, that may not be true for the time being. For about 6 months after my mother died, I often felt like cocooning myself, and encouraged my husband to go to large get-togethers without me because it felt like those required more energy than I had.

Oh, I just thought of something my SIL did for us that was a big help: she addressed the envelopes for all the thank you notes we wrote.

My deepest sympathies ~ Molly