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Bedroom Issues

Jambalaya

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Please be gentle; this is a very personal topic which has caused me quite some pain in recent years. I'm reaching out here because it's not the sort of thing you can talk to friends about.

For the longest time, my sex drive was dead due to multiple bereavements and all the stresses that go along with that, such as feeling distant from previously close friends because they didn't understand how bereavement feels, and the stresses of looking after remaining family members. Heartbreak all round, in other words, and it seemed to go on and on and on.

But now I'm much more used to a world without the people who have passed away, and I have this new job. I feel much better and am coming to life again.

Frankly, it's been so long that I feel like a seventeen-year-old again - frisky but unable to get it on. It's been five months for me, since the "friend" I used to see moved away, and if it wasn't for my vibrator I think my eyes might pop out. Of course, the solution is to find a new partner, but....when I remember sex, to be honest I've never found anyone who blew me away in the sack. I found the hottest, most romantic soft-p*rn film ever (includes kissing!) and the guy is amazing the way he rolls her around changing positions and kissing her as he does so - incredibly hot yet romantic. It's as if they're dancing, because he is leading- and he's only in his twenties! Now, I know that sleeping with a p*rn star isn't exactly an option, but where does one find men who know what to do? And why have I never found one who will trail soft kisses all down my neck and all over my body while stroking my hair and then making love to me tenderly? And switching up the tempo? It's all been wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Or maybe just wham, bam. And yes, I have been in long-term relationships and also married. No difference.

I was like the girl in the film once. Young and slim and pretty. But I also remember how hard it was to get men to see past all the physical stuff and how hard it was to find commitment at that age. So it's not exactly that I long for those days, either.

I just want, once in my life before I die, to have really, really good sex. And I'm not sure what to do about the immediate tension, except to probably break my vibrator. But I want movie sex. Not p*rn-film sex, but all white satin sheets and tan limbs and heads thrown back. I have never had this. I'm beginning to wonder if the truth is that none of us are really that good in bed, and movie sex is just a pipe-dream.

You know, I even had a relationship with a confirmed ladies' man once - oh no, two ladies' men - one of whom claimed to have slept with over 60 women. Neither of them lit a fire under me, and I don't remember them trying too hard, either.

I have never met a man who realizes how thin women's skin is compared to men's and that it's incredibly sensitive to touch, all over. I told a long-term love once how much I loved my back being stroked and touched, and I think he did that once.

For people who have had dry spells, how did you handle it without going insane? And how did you find a good lover in the first place? As I said, being in a monogamous relationship never worked for me - to be honest, looking back, all the men were just so blown away by the sensations of their own pleasure that I never really got what I wanted, even when I asked. And in my experience, ladies' men really are no better. Sometimes I wonder what really famous womanisers are like in bed - Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton. Completely different, or focused on themselves like the men I've known?

Anyway. How have you handled dry spells? Sorry if this is a very personal thread but I just need to get this off my chest.
 

azstonie

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Okay. You've done the same kind of guy over and over, getting the same result but hoping for something different.

So change it up. Go somewhat against 'your type.' You're going for chemistry here, not a dynastic contract.

Safe sex, of course, but time to try something (someone/s) different!.


PS: Keep it light, IMHO nothing wrecks great sex like talking, controlling, anxiety, alcohol.
 

Jambalaya

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Thanks, Asztonie. But part of the reason I've lost the faith a little is that we're talking about a number of lovers over a few decades, and quite different people. American, English, two from the Middle East, poor, rich, clever (two from Harvard) not clever (at least two who had hardly any education) and occupations that have spanned law enforcement, travel, the military, banking, journalism, veterinary medicine, and ones who have been ten years younger and fifteen years older. If this sounds a lot, I was young and slim once. But none really stood out - in fact, my experiences were surprisingly uniform. I don't know if most people just aren't very good in bed, or if I've been unlucky. I'm an introvert though so not many have been extroverts. Perhaps extroverts make better lovers!
 

Gypsy

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Have you seen a sex therapist. A really reputable one?

Sometimes our own brains are the problem.
 

packrat

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I've had a few guys that were incredible. Both from back in my heyday of being hot w/a kick ass body. And they were so damn good looking and built well....it was just all around hot sweaty sex until we were exhausted. Some that were amazing kissers and the sex was good but not stellar. Some that were nice to look at and eh that was about it. One night stands never really were good for me. Not sure if it's b/c I wasn't wanting just a one time deal or b/c they just weren't that good in general, it was just a way to get my rocks off. The ones that have been good, have been relationships. And they took the time to figure out what I needed/wanted/liked. One, during our relationship, explained to me that the reason he was so attentive was b/c he was uh...lacking elsewhere? Not the size of the pencil, it's how you write your name kinda thing eh? Beautiful penmanship, he. ;)) He was 12 years older. Another was my age and the guy every girl wanted and would fight over. He started hanging out w/my group of friends. Good thing JD isn't bothered by the fact I slept w/some of the guys in our group of friends hahahahaha. I don't know if some of it depended on how I felt about myself? I don't look anything like I did back then, now, and I'm hugely just...self conscious and not happy w/myself so I wonder at times if that makes a difference? I don't feel beautiful or attractive so it's not as fun? I don't know.

We've not had sex in 15 months. It bothers me at times, b/c I miss that closeness..but, w/crazy schedules and work and the house and kids and everything else, I stay busy and it doesn't really even register most of the time.

The way I handled a dry spell and wanting to have the skin to skin contact and the touches years ago was to ask a guy friend to be friends w/benefits...and then we ended up married, sooo I really have nothing helpful to add.
 

Jambalaya

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Gypsy...A sex therapist?...Hmm....no, I haven't. I don't really know what they do or how they'd help me. Help me ask for what I want, perhaps? I thought guys like to please, so with the one that I did ask, I was disappointed because he didn't like that. But maybe I am self-sabotaging, you mean? Well, it's a thought. I have been very red-blooded since being a teenager, and very romantic and passionate, so it's very weird that I've had such unsatisfying sex. The last few years have been difficult, but before that, when I was younger...I was the type that if I'd received the card in that couples' board game that reads, "Kiss me as if I'm going off to war", man, I would have responded to that wildly.

I also thought that the scene in Downton Abbey where Mary and Matthew kiss for the first time is the last word in sex and romance. He says, "Perhaps you've forgotten the things you said to me, but believe me, they live in my memory as if they were said yesterday." She says, "Oh, Matthew. You must pay no mind to the things I say." He says, "Don't play with me," and then suddenly they have this massive kiss, their first. But then, much later when he is engaged to someone else, she gets up very early to see him off at the station when he is leaving for war, and she gives him her little stuffed dog for luck. She says, "I have it always," and he says, "Won't you need it?" and she says, "Not as much as you. Well! Goodbye then. And such good luck!" So much is under the surface, but not being said, because he is engaged to another. And then he goes missing, ages later, but turns up back home just as they are having a concert for the wounded men who are staying in their big mansion-turned-hospital, and he walks in as they are singing "If You Were the Only Girl in the World." The whole Matthew-and-Mary romance is so beautiful and so fraught with sexual tension, and I respond viscerally to these representations of that on screen. I started a thread about it once. I do consider myself a very romantic and passionate individual so the lack of satisfaction is strange, but I am the common denominator, so....

Sorry for the novel!
 

kenny

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Jambalaya, I really appreciate your honesty, sincerity and your hungry heart.
 

Jambalaya

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Packrat, thanks for sharing your experiences. I appreciate it. Hugs xxx

I have a question - you said you had a couple of guys who were incredible. What's a guy like that...well, like? Is it that he knows which buttons to push and has a "ladies-first" policy? Did they really know where they were going without needing a map, a compass, and a helmet with a miner's light? Or was it just that they were young and could keep going all night? Because I have had two nights that stood out, but it was really about being very young and being able to do it five times a night. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is good at the exact buttons.
 

Jambalaya

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kenny|1463369940|4032165 said:
Jambalaya, I really appreciate your honesty, sincerity and your hungry heart.
Thanks, Kenny.

Honestly, sexual deprivation can be a terrible thing. I think younger people don't realize until it's happened to them. My heart is hungry, and my body and my mind and my imagination. I've always wanted a grand love affair - it doesn't have to be forever - but if it could involve an Eastern European castle and a count in a black cloak with a red silk lining, and an ice palace, that would be enough. Like Packrat, most of the time I don't notice, but then I have times where I feel that if I don't have movie sex in the next hour, I might just shrivel on the vine.

I am so going to regret this thread in the morning.
 

Gypsy

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I don't feel comfortable sharing too much on here about my sexual history. But I have had some traumatic experiences and they've impacted me. I was raped, but it's more than that and started way before that happened. I haven't seen a sex therapist, but I do think I may just to talk to one.

I can't shut my brain off to enjoy sex the way I should be able to. I can't let go and immerse myself in the experience. I worry and think too much instead of being in the moment, and it turns the experience into an unsatisfactory encounter. Or, and this is my screwy brain trying to sabotage me, I worry too much about my partner's experience at the expense of my own and twist the goal of the encounter so that it becomes about their satisfaction instead of mine. That's the control freak in my coming out because I get anxious about the whole thing. But the end result is, that my brain sabotages me and though I've been trying, I can't override it or short cut around it.

Anyway. The point is. I've had enough experience to know that the problem is me right now, not my partners. That doesn't mean that my partners can't assist. But my husband is genuinely great about bedroom matters, we've talked about it in couples therapy and tried to work around it in the bedroom, and I still have issues.

So I don't know if that helps you at all. But maybe it will provoke some thought.
 

missy

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Jambalaya, I'm not reading the other replies before posting my reply.
For me truly good sex comes from complete trust in the other person and open communication. I am trying to think back when I was younger before I met my dh how it was re trust and communication and I think it was the same. In that I didn't have partners I wasn't in long term close relationships with and so I was able to tell the other person what I wanted if necessary.

Our partners cannot read our minds and everyone has something different re what turns them on what they like etc. I think that with your past partners perhaps they just didn't care enough to get it right for you/with you and that they were selfish and not invested enough in the emotional relationship. Because if they were they would have kept trying till they pleased you sexually. IMO. And the other big issue is letting go of any worrying thoughts etc so you can fully enjoy the experience.

Now of course not everyone can have the ideal partnership and romantic investment and if one wants a short term casual relationship as an adult there is nothing wrong with that. BUT you still have to make sure they understand what you want/how you want it and exactly what to do to make it pleasurable for you. So even if you don't have that long term trust you still need that open and honest and complete sexual communication to make it work.

And also you need to get out of your own head so to speak to be able to let go and enjoy. I know when I have stuff on my mind I have to work at getting my head clear so it doesn't interfere with things like enjoying making love. It isn't always easy but you have to compartmentalize other issues that are on your mind/worrying you etc to be able to fully let go and enjoy making love.

Wishing you easy thoughts, open communication with a caring partner and lots of good loving! :halo:
 

momhappy

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I have no advice or thoughts to share with you, but just wanted to wish you luck with your problem.
 

Jimmianne

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In my life I have had just one amazing partner who fits the description of "knowing everything without being told". It was like being on a fabulous, addicting drug for three years - things just kept getting better and better. Before him, sex was eh and after him sex was eh.
Basically he ruined me lol. I mean I have had "good" sex, but nothing like that one person.
It turned out that he was a sex-addict and a womanizer. Although we were [supposedly] in a monogamous relationship and I was the girl he took to church, he had several other women on the side. He was an Episcopal priest who had been playing this game a long time. I discovered the truth when a bishop's wife refuse to have me ["one of his whores"] in her house, and then everything fell apart. Heartsick, I sold my house and moved to another town then when I could not get over the grief after a year, I reported him. He lost his church and they never gave him another one.
Let's just say that he was really an expert in knowing how to work things - both physically and mentally. It wasn't all knowing what buttons to push, but a fabulous ongoing seduction that ended with me so passionately in love & wanting to get married and him saying he thought I understood that we were just friends.
I would not trade the experience, but my life would have been so much better without him. Be careful what you ask for.
I believe that for a woman, great sex can easily lead to deep love even if you are at first only planning to have a buddy.

I hope that you find a wonderful person who meets ALL your needs!
Let's work on MANifestations!
 

packrat

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Jambalaya|1463370238|4032166 said:
Packrat, thanks for sharing your experiences. I appreciate it. Hugs xxx

I have a question - you said you had a couple of guys who were incredible. What's a guy like that...well, like? Is it that he knows which buttons to push and has a "ladies-first" policy? Did they really know where they were going without needing a map, a compass, and a helmet with a miner's light? Or was it just that they were young and could keep going all night? Because I have had two nights that stood out, but it was really about being very young and being able to do it five times a night. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is good at the exact buttons.
Part of the latter, going until we're just completely exhausted, slick and sweaty, hair sticking up every which way and then either laying there kissing or falling asleep curled up together. Most of it tho, they enjoyed the female form and were hugely appreciative of it. For whatever reason, they were so in tune in w/what I needed/wanted and they were more focused on me than themselves. They very much enjoyed my reactions to their..um..attentions. It's been a looong time but I still remember. Good times. Good stories. haha. The one who is my age, that time together was especially torrid.
 

partgypsy

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I have been without for a month, and it has been hard (tmi!) You have to understand other than separate trips, I have slept in the same bed as my (former) man for the past 25 years. So it is hard to sleep alone, both the holding and cuddling and the more intimate stuff. He was good in bed, the more awkward enthusiasm in the beginning was replaced with more in tune lovemaking by knowing what the other responded to. So it is a process. Honestly a man who knew how to push all the right buttons in the first place and was really skillful in a technical sense, I would suspect they watched a lot of pornography, which is a turn off for me.
For you, what I would suggest during the dry spell, is reading some romance or erotic fiction and learning what turns you on. 90% is in the head.

For me I try to keep myself busy during the day, hopefully at least some physical activity (flow yoga). I'm trying to down-regulate my drives so they are not distracting. Cold showers if you will.
 

monarch64

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part gypsy|1463405976|4032257 said:
I have been without for a month, and it has been hard (tmi!) You have to understand other than separate trips, I have slept in the same bed as my (former) man for the past 25 years. So it is hard to sleep alone, both the holding and cuddling and the more intimate stuff. He was good in bed, the more awkward enthusiasm in the beginning was replaced with more in tune lovemaking by knowing what the other responded to. So it is a process. Honestly a man who knew how to push all the right buttons in the first place and was really skillful in a technical sense, I would suspect they watched a lot of pornography, which is a turn off for me.
For you, what I would suggest during the dry spell, is reading some romance or erotic fiction and learning what turns you on. 90% is in the head.

For me I try to keep myself busy during the day, hopefully at least some physical activity (flow yoga). I'm trying to down-regulate my drives so they are not distracting. Cold showers if you will.
I can understand why one might think that, but I have to chime in here and say that that is somewhat of a misconception. I remember asking a guy I dated in college how in the world he was so amazing at cunnilingus (that is oral sex performed on a woman for those who aren't familiar with the proper term), and I presumed he had either been with a lot of women or watched p*rn. Nope. He said he had done quite a bit of reading on the subject. And I believed him, still do. One reason being that he was very adamantly against masturbation, which often goes hand-in-hand with pornography viewing.

Also, p*rn is really geared towards men in general, and doesn't always include tons of foreplay. There are free sites out there, and if you peruse the categories, there will be 1 out of 50 that says "for women."

I have never had issues communicating my needs to others in this arena. Part of this stems from my upbringing and being held back in terms of dating/socializing, and coming from a small town where I was told I would get a "reputation" if I slept with anyone. Of course I was supposed to wait for marriage, but complete college first and become gainfully employed. Our society is so backwards. The very first course I signed up for in college was "Psychology of Human Sexuality." We watched "Love Frogs" the first day--a pornographic depiction of two stuffed animals having sex. That was an icebreaker, the rest of the class was amazing. Now I live in the same town as the Kinsey Institute, a sex research institution.

As others have already said, the key to great sex is communication, but even before that, it's education. I've had my share of great partners and great sex, but I've also run into some very unskilled men who have been brainwashed into thinking negatively about the female anatomy, or simply been given total misinformation. This is what happens when we shut kids down when they are young. They ask questions, we tell them they aren't supposed to talk or think about it, or that it's wrong, or sinful. But Jambalaya, there are men out there who understand women's needs and aren't womanizers. I do hope you find a few for your bucket list. I can't tell you where to find them, because I think it's all very random, but keep trying new outlets and see what happens. And by all means get yourself some new vibrators--they can and WILL break and variety is awesome and safe with those things!
 

Trekkie

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Just a thought, but have you tried sex with a woman...?

The type of experience you seem to be longing for is quite typical for sex between two women.

Give it a go. Life is too short for mediocre sex.
 

diamondseeker2006

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I think basing what one wants on what they see in movies is a recipe for failure, because rarely is real life like a romantic movie. Other than that, I cannot separate love and sex. They go together for me, personally.
 

monarch64

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Trekkie|1463416154|4032304 said:
Just a thought, but have you tried sex with a woman...?

The type of experience you seem to be longing for is quite typical for sex between two women.

Give it a go. Life is too short for mediocre sex.
I had a response typed out last night and said the same! Trekkie, great minds think alike.

I agree, Jambalaya. If you've never experimented before, and you're open to it, women "get it" and can give you the sort of attention you crave because they crave it as well. Once again, though, communication is key and you must be very up front in regards to what you're looking to get out of that sort of relationship if you're not thinking of sticking around forever. Hearts are easily broken and no one wants to feel used.

Though, I suspect from Jambalaya's wording in her OP that she is more into the contrast of a more rugged male body to her soft one, and that romance novel stuff about being penetrated with a smoldering intensity. Women don't always fit the bill there. ;))
 

sonnyjane

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diamondseeker2006|1463416757|4032305 said:
I think basing what one wants on what they see in movies is a recipe for failure, because rarely is real life like a romantic movie.
This. I was going to say that if you're basing your ideals on soft-core p*rn and romantic movies/shows, you're setting yourself up for disappointment in real life.
 

CJ2008

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part gypsy|1463405976|4032257 said:
Honestly a man who knew how to push all the right buttons in the first place and was really skillful in a technical sense, I would suspect they watched a lot of pornography.
Like monarch, I can see why people would think this, but if you've ever watched pornography (and since you're not into it you probably haven't) you'd see that there is absolutely no interest in pleasing the woman FOR REAL. Just like in real life, I can count on ONE HAND (and that's overestimating!) the # of times I've seen men (or women, actually) in p*rn who I can tell - by the way they do certain things - that they know what they're doing and are also truly into pleasing the woman (I separate them because I'm thinking one can exist without the other). Other than that, p*rn is acting and focused on what looks good for the camera, and it's often too rough (and not a good rough) and too quick to be any good.

Based on what I've seen in p*rn, I don't know that I actually believe that women are any better in bed than men. But of course real life experience trumps what you see in p*rn...so since 2 people here are saying this is the case then I have to keep an open mind that this may indeed be the case.

Like Gypsy and others suggested - turning off the brain is key. Without going into too much detail, it took me DECADES - and a patient man, my DH - to learn to do this. But it wasn't just patience, actually. It was also his non-ego, and his desire to truly please me. He had to be truly OK with the fact that I may not enjoy certain things fully and he had to not put pressure on me or force them. It was all of that combined - plus my own hard work - that allowed me to get to the point that I could let go more or enough...and it's still work many times because I am always thinking of my to do list in one way or another.

I think finding a really skilled lover plus one that understands that the female brain needs to RELAX before it can enjoy - and that sometimes it can take a long time for that to happen - and sometimes all the usual "tricks" won't work and you'll have to get back to square one - are very, very difficult to find. But they're out there, so definitely keep looking! And forget what the movies tell you other than to give you some role play ideas. ;)) ::) Good luck Jambalaya.

ETA: Jambalaya - not sure that the parts I said about turning off the brain apply to you at all. I think you sound like you know damn well how to enjoy sex to the fullest, you just haven't found someone who's really good yet. So my "bottom line" still applies: they're hard to find, but they ARE out there. I really hope you find someone who blows you away. Everyone needs that experience at least once.
 

kenny

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monarch64|1463417007|4032306 said:
Trekkie|1463416154|4032304 said:
Just a thought, but have you tried sex with a woman...?

The type of experience you seem to be longing for is quite typical for sex between two women.

Give it a go. Life is too short for mediocre sex.
I had a response typed out last night and said the same! Trekkie, great minds think alike.
This is a good example of one aspect of human sexuality that has always blown my mind ... the difference between 'why' men and women have sex with the same gender.

I'm about to generalize so let me beat you to the punch with the caveat: we all know there are exceptions to generalizations.
Exceptions, however, do not disappear a generalization that's generally true.

Here goes:
Men want sex with the gender they are sexually attracted to.
Apparently that is not priority 1 to many women.
A partner (of any gender) who meets many of a woman's needs can be a higher priority than the gender itself.
Not so with men.
I've never heard of a gay man switching to women because none of the men he was with could not met his broader needs.
For men, sex is about sex. Period.

I've talked to zillions of women who used to be married to men, but today identify lesbian/bi.
Zillions.
Often they switched not because they've always been secretly sexually attracted to women, (being sexually attracted to men is the reason closeted gay men trying to live as a straight man come out of the closet later in life) but the women switched or came out because men did not meet all of their needs or because men were just not a 'good fit' for them overall.
Often a major reason women turn away from males as partners is power politics / feminism.

I can count on one hand the gay men I know who used to be married to a woman or consider themselves to be bi.
I'll bet much of this is because in our culture men have more power than women, so men feel more free to buck social pressure to conform to the 1950s nuclear family model.

But when I read the above two suggestions that the OP try sex with a woman the elephant in my brain's living room says, "But wait, maybe she's not attracted to women."

People surely do vary. ;))
 

Jambalaya

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I am very grateful for this frank and mature discussion about an issue which affects many, but which is - for some - just too personal to talk about. I've certainly told no one in real life.

Replying in order:

Missy, thanks, as always, for your input. I agree that previous lovers haven't really cared enough. They're much more eager to please in the beginning, though, but it tends not to last. I've also found it hard to switch off in the past. I'm so parched now though that I don't think it would be a problem!!

Momhappy, thanks for your good wishes. It is indeed a problem, and I think if a person (not you personally) hasn't experienced sexual deprivation, it's hard to imagine how excruciating it can be - and it really is, at times. Maybe I'm just at that age, last-chance saloon re. childbearing, but I feel as frisky an eighteen-year-old boy. Actually, I feel my perfect partner right now would be twenty!

Jimmiane, I am SO sorry that you had that experience. And he was a priest?? Are you kidding me? Oh, man. I'm so glad you got out but so sorry that he hurt you so much. Great sex is definitely not worth that! Pajamas and hot chocolate aren't looking so bad now. I'm a big believer in the saying "Be careful what you wish for," so thanks for the reminder on that. I've also thought that I'm too old to fall in love due to great sex, but perhaps I'm kidding myself, so thanks also for the reminder about that, too.

Packrat, thanks for answering my question. I like your description of the one who was especially torrid. And I also liked the previous part about the beautiful penmanship! I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel attractive. You comes across as a beautiful person and I am sure that comes through in real life, whatever you look like. I bet you look good, anyway.

part-gypsy, you know what I'm going through!I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. It's like being half-dead, isn't it? I love your idea of reading erotic fiction. And I might just have to do the cold showers. What does it mean to down-regulate your drive, though? I mean, if you read erotic fiction, isn't that upregulating it?

Monarch - great idea about getting a variety of vibrators. I am definitely going to try that. And there are p*rn sites for women? Seriously?? I am going to look into that. I've dabbled in very soft p*rn on the very odd occasion, that's all. (I don't like watching any kind of violence whatsoever.) The hottest I've ever seen is a romantic, passionate scene with lots of hair stroking and kissing. Google Alyssa Branch Joey and it will come up. It's the one where she's wearing green argyle socks.

Trekkie - I truly appreciate you thinking around the issue and out of the box for me. It was a good suggestion. I wish I could implement it - would solve a few problems! But I'm not sexually attracted to women, at all. Others here who picked up on my longing for a mayun are right! :lol: It was really a very good thought, though. Thank you for helping me!

Diamondseeker - thanks for your reply. Love and sex have always gone together for me, too. However, I suddenly seem to have morphed into a teenage boy who can't think straight. And when you can't immediately have lifelong love and sex both at the same time, you have to comprise a little, you know? I am not thinking of having any kind of one-night stand - I think it would be very unsatisfying - but a nice, fond friend would do for the moment.

Monarch 2 - you're right about what I want. And thanks for talking about being penetrated with a smoldering intensity. Are you trying to drive me crazy? :lol:

Sonnyjane - oh, but. I have to say this. You say I'll be set up for disappointment if I want movie sex and some others have said the same thing. But movie sex isn't rocket science. The only reason not to have movie sex is because the other person can't be bothered. There's nothing difficult about sweeping caresses or deep kisses while running your hands through someone's hair, or trailing kisses all over someone. I think everyone can do movie sex if they want to. I'm at the age where I don't want hear any more excuses from lovers for bad sex! :lol:

CJ2008 - I am glad you've built a satisfying sex life. Yay, you! And I totally agree about the need to get out of your head. That was a problem in the past. At the moment, I'm so cross-eyed with desire I don't think it would be a problem, but in relationships, switching off has definitely been a problem. And I really don't think there are many men out there who understand how tied up a woman's desire is with what's going on in her brain. And that the female brain needs to relax. And that female desire is very dependent on feelings and not fed so much visually, the way men's desire is. Understanding women to that degree is very advanced stuff. I wonder if famous womanisers like Warren Beatty and Bill Clinton did. I'd love to know if people like that are actually any good.

Kenny - thanks. You're right, I'm not attracted to women. However, I know an women who's about 65 and recently gay. She'd previously been married for many years and had three grown-up children. Around that time, I read a very interesting article about the fact that female sexual orientation is much more elastic and prone to change over time than men's, which is why you find examples of women becoming gay late in life when they didn't previously feel same-sex attraction. The lady in question said it took her by surprise when she met her lover. The article was more in-depth that that, but that's what I remember. Hasn't happened to me yet, though!
 

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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I've been thinking about various coping strategies. I appreciate the suggestions here of cold showers and reading erotic fiction, and having more than one vibrator. I also think I might take some black-and-white photos of myself - nothing too adventurous, just looking back over my shoulder with a naked back. My coloring suits black and white and it would make me feel attractive again. I could paint some erotica - painting's my thing - but I might write some instead. I feel I need the nuance of the written word. And I might buy just one bit of sexy underwear, like a bustier with a lace back. I could wear it in my photo. Just thinking about these things makes me feel better - like a sexual being instead of a sex-starved person.
 

CJ2008

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I love the idea of the pictures...

How about hiring someone to take them for you?

I think they call them boudoir pictures.

That could be erotic in itself...(you'd keep it to yourself of course you wouldn't want to creep out the photographer! ::)
 

sonnyjane

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Messages
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Jambalaya|1463450892|4032522 said:

Sonnyjane
- oh, but. I have to say this. You say I'll be set up for disappointment if I want movie sex and some others have said the same thing. But movie sex isn't rocket science. The only reason not to have movie sex is because the other person can't be bothered. There's nothing difficult about sweeping caresses or deep kisses while running your hands through someone's hair, or trailing kisses all over someone. I think everyone can do movie sex if they want to. I'm at the age where I don't want hear any more excuses from lovers for bad sex!

CJ2008 - I am glad you've built a satisfying sex life. Yay, you! And I totally agree about the need to get out of your head. That was a problem in the past. At the moment, I'm so cross-eyed with desire I don't think it would be a problem, but in relationships, switching off has definitely been a problem. And I really don't think there are many men out there who understand how tied up a woman's desire is with what's going on in her brain. And that the female brain needs to relax. And that female desire is very dependent on feelings and not fed so much visually, the way men's desire is. Understanding women to that degree is very advanced stuff. I wonder if famous womanisers like Warren Beatty and Bill Clinton did. I'd love to know if people like that are actually any good.
In my experience (which I certainly don't pretend is everyone's experience but I have sown some wild oats in my life...), "womanizers" as you call them don't NEED to be any good. They are confident and have enough skills to earn a reputation, but they care very little about leaving the woman satisfied. Once a man gains a reputation as being popular with women, it can be easy for women to do everything they can to please HIM since they know he's been with many women and she wants to stand out, be memorable, etc. If a man is attractive and has the ability to woo any woman he desires with his charm, there's very little reason for him to put forth much effort in the sack - if one woman isn't happy, he can just move on to the next.

The ones that tend to put forth more effort are, again just in my experience, the quieter, more unsuspecting types.

And ALL of that being said, those that are the best in bed are QUITE rarely also the best in a relationship. Usually there's a bit of compromise involved... good in bed but a jerk, very nice but medium in bed, etc. I'm sure a few people on PS might write that they have found that unicorn of a perfect relationship partner that's also perfect in bed, and if so they are quite lucky! I believe it is *possible* but not common.

And regarding your quote to me that there's nothing difficult about "movie sex", I'd reply with that simple adage, "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it." ;-)
 

jordyonbass

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I may not be able to relate here Jambalaya but I would like to respectfully offer my 2 cents if I could. In my opinion the movie sex thing isn't realistic unless both parties are fit and flexible...I don't even pass either of those categories but at the same time our love life is great so I don't think it needs to change for us.

Another slightly different angle with a suggestion Jambalaya - you said you're feeling like you're in overdrive like a younger person, why not find someone younger than you for casual encounters (safely of course). You may find a younger man to be reinvigorating for you as I know that I gave that feeling to the older women I saw when I was single. I loved the intimacy, maturity, the sex and the experience I got overall without the strings of a relationship. It may be some food for thought for you or it may be worthless, take it as you wish :)
 

Dancing Fire

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Didn't know there were so many sex therapist on PS... :bigsmile:
 

Trekkie

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kenny|1463427965|4032378 said:
monarch64|1463417007|4032306 said:
Trekkie|1463416154|4032304 said:
Just a thought, but have you tried sex with a woman...?

The type of experience you seem to be longing for is quite typical for sex between two women.

Give it a go. Life is too short for mediocre sex.
I had a response typed out last night and said the same! Trekkie, great minds think alike.
...

But when I read the above two suggestions that the OP try sex with a woman the elephant in my brain's living room says, "But wait, maybe she's not attracted to women."

People surely do vary. ;))
I have had many, many (many!) experiences with women who don't even remotely identify as lesbian or bisexual and never thought they were or would ever be attracted to a woman. ;-) I dunno, maybe women are wired differently or something. *shrug* Either way, I'm not complaining! :lol:

Jambalaya said:
...

Trekkie - I truly appreciate you thinking around the issue and out of the box for me. It was a good suggestion. I wish I could implement it - would solve a few problems! But I'm not sexually attracted to women, at all. Others here who picked up on my longing for a mayun are right! :lol: It was really a very good thought, though. Thank you for helping me!
No worries. Good on you for reaching out. Like I said, life is too short for mediocre sex. If you were any closer I'd pass on the details of a couple of guys who I think might give you the experience you're looking for. I've been fortunate to attract men who pleased me sexually, and on the odd occasion where someone was... uhm, in need of improvement, they've been quite happy to take lessons, if you know what I mean. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* Of course this could be because I'm quite frank about what works for me and what doesn't?

sonnyjane said:
...

The ones that tend to put forth more effort are, again just in my experience, the quieter, more unsuspecting types.
SO MUCH THIS!!!!!

I have occasionally stumbled across a womaniser who knows what he's doing, but they rarely live up to their billing.

jordyonbass said:
...

Another slightly different angle with a suggestion Jambalaya - you said you're feeling like you're in overdrive like a younger person, why not find someone younger than you for casual encounters (safely of course). You may find a younger man to be reinvigorating for you as I know that I gave that feeling to the older women I saw when I was single. I loved the intimacy, maturity, the sex and the experience I got overall without the strings of a relationship. It may be some food for thought for you or it may be worthless, take it as you wish :)
I was about to suggest this! ;-) I work for a university and part of my job involves casual, friendly interaction with young people aged around 18-24. I can't tell you how many of my male students wish for a Mrs Robinson to teach them the ropes! Just yesterday I had a 24 year old Hrithik Roshan lookalike in my office obsessing over a (frankly, overweight and quite dowdy looking) 46 year old woman who is apparently using him just for sex. I was like, :-o :o Well done her! :appl:

One last thing, sex is rarely like it is in the movies. Very, very rarely. Have you heard of the NoFap movement? Don't google it if you're squeamish. Essentially it's about not using pornography (of any kind) and not masturbating. Apparently it makes you more attractive to the opposite sex and it helps you enjoy sex more. Apparently. I don't know if it's true, but a guy I know swears by it. Perhaps it's also something you could look into? I would think that even just avoiding pornography and masturbation for a few weeks could help you do a "reset" of sorts. Might be worth a shot.

Either way, do come back and let us know how it goes. :)
 

House Cat

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Messages
4,007
I believe what you are looking for is not mind blowing sex, but a deep level of intimacy that is built between two people over a period of time.

The ability to sense one's needs and know what gives a particular person great pleasure takes time and practice. It takes listening to their reactions when you touch them. You must completely tune into their body language during the act to see if they move toward you or away from you while you are trying certain things out, etc. Exploration can be fun, but it takes time. No person is one size fits all. Truly amazing sex has both skill and deep intimacy.

I had the thought that a woman might be the right person for what you are looking for too.

But Jambalaya, after reading all of your posts with their raw emotions, I will throw out there that i think you need so much more than a guy who is amazing in the sack. You need someone who genuinely cares for you. The great sex will be a byproduct of the caring. I get the feeling that a casual romp in the hay will leave you feeling a bit empty.



Gypsy,

I am a rape survivor and I have had all of those same issues. Trauma is stored in the body. When we begin to have sex, it is physically triggering and our minds go into fight or flight. Maybe more than a sex therapist, you might want to find someone who does EMDR. It is a gentle therapy for trauma. I have worked on my rape a couple of times and it has helped immensely.
 
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