Are you childless?

[athenaworth]

I hope this doesn't strike a nerve with someone, but I wonder who here is childless, either by choice or by function.

I can't have children. Not from lack of trying, believe me, but I just medically can't. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, and now I'm not certain that I want children at all. I tend to get a lot of, "well just adopt!" comments, but I don't know about that now. Sometimes I think it would be OK just to live a life without the encumbrances.

I also have friends who have chosen to never have children, going as far as to have their tubes tied at a young age. I have several friends who are VERY bugged by this and think it's not natural. To me, it's all a choice.

So I wonder, if you are childless, does it cause friction in your life? If this is a horrible topic, I'm sorry. I just was wondering about it today (after the umpteenth stranger asked when we're having children).

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

My husband and I are childless at 26 and 25 respectively. We have had the discussion many times since very early on in our relationship and neither one of us is really interested in having kids. We too get the blank stares and unkind comments from even total strangers about our choice. We also get the eye-rolling "You think that NOW!" comments from people. We wrote off several realtors we were interested in working with because of this kind of response.

We've decided recently to just stop telling people anything about our decision, but that has been really hard because I get harangued by co-workers and friends about when we are going to have kids. We are never really outspoken about our choice and we would NEVER be pushy to other people that they shouldn't have kids, however it's somehow okay that other people tell us that we'll end up having kids or we'll regret this decision later on.

I think it's irresponsible trying to push the idea of having kids on people who obviously don't want them. Isn't that a recipe for a bunch of unwanted, uncared-for children who are resented in the long run?

 

[TravelingGal]

I'm not childless, but I went through similar questioning when we decided to stay a one child family and have a thread in FHH that shares my thoughts.

But yes, you're right, it IS a choice.

And when one chooses to go the path that isn't the norm (used to be 2.5 kids here in the U.S., but I think it's now 1. you get questioned. Someone wisely pointed that out in my thread. Another PSer on my thread said that people on a basic level just want their choices validated. I think that's true too. THEY'VE had kids, so they don't understand why others don't...it's not "natural" as you say.

As for your question about friction - as long as you and DH are in agreement about where you're going, you should be fine. Yes, you'll find that your friends with kids start excluding you as they start hanging out with others who can provide diversions for their little monsters (which means people who have monsters too). Don't take it personally. Oftentimes mothers don't want to put non mothers out with their kids and playgroup dates. Take more time to do things with your DH and others who either don't have kids, or value time without their kids. And of course, enjoy the time to develop your own hobbies and interests!

I know it's weird that people ask such personal questions like what your breeding plans are, but it's just a fact of life. If they ask, just say no you are not having kids. If they ask why, simply say my decisions are personal.

I recently got followed out of my friends house by her mother, practically scolding me on what I need to have another child. Yes, it's annoying, but I know in my heart my husband and I made the right decision for us. We don't have to answer to anyone, and people will learn to deal with it.

 

[Tanzigrrl]

Nope, not childless, but I am "Childfree." I like using Childfree as the term because it indicates that we are FREE of children, not "less" which would indicate that we are somehow lacking something. Neither my husband nor I have ever had any interest in having any. We are both very hard working people who choose to focus on our careers. We aren't child-eating monsters or anything and we enjoy our nieces, nephews, and children of our friends, we just do not want our own children. DH is a professor and as he says, "I get to raise hundreds of 'intellectual children' per year in my classes, I don't need children of my own." I never played with dolls or had any interest in babies. It's just a different calling - we donate to charities, sponsor children for summer camps that they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, and enjoy visiting with the kids of our friends. Besides, if I had a kid, how on earth would I ever afford my diamond and gemstone habit???

 

[athenaworth]

Nope, not childless, but I am "Childfree." I like using Childfree as the term because it indicates that we are FREE of children, not "less" which would indicate that we are somehow lacking something. Neither my husband nor I have ever had any interest in having any. We are both very hard working people who choose to focus on our careers. We aren't child-eating monsters or anything and we enjoy our nieces, nephews, and children of our friends, we just do not want our own children. DH is a professor and as he says, "I get to raise hundreds of 'intellectual children' per year in my classes, I don't need children of my own." I never played with dolls or had any interest in babies. It's just a different calling - we donate to charities, sponsor children for summer camps that they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, and enjoy visiting with the kids of our friends. Besides, if I had a kid, how on earth would I ever afford my diamond and gemstone habit???

You're right. I knew better than to call it childless. As I sit and stare at my bling and plan my next vacation, I think the same things. As it is now, my only real worry is who is going to watch my kitty'lets.

I envy the childfree mentality, to be honest. Sometimes I get the yearning, but since it isn't in the cards, it isn't in the cards, but boy what wonderful bling I could've bought if I'd been of the childfree mentality to begin with.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

Biologically impossible for us to have kids. The better half doesn't want/like children and I thought I'd want one, but changed my mind, for various reasons.

I think people who can raise kids are stronger and braver than me. I know how tough it is to take care of myself let alone another human who can't take of themselves. Raising children is probably one of the most rewarding jobs a person can have, but it scares the bejeebus out of me.

Plus, I find myself talking to children like I talk to my dogs, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.

 

[princesss]

Plus, I find myself talking to children like I talk to my dogs, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.

I do the same thing! I feel so weird about it, but up until they can respond with words, I have no idea how to deal with them. Luckily my friends haven't taken offense to me accidentally whistling/clicking at their babies....yet.

I went through a lot about 2 years ago trying to figure out if I wanted kids or not. Then-BF did, and I felt it wasn't fair to keep stringing him along if we were incompatible on such a big issue. I realized that yeah, I wanted kids. Or, at least, I thought I did. But when we broke up and I was talking to friends, one of the first things out of my mouth was, "Now I don't have to have kids!" Gee, princesss, what do you really think about that?!? Haha. I'm not going to say I will never have kids under any circumstances (people change, after all), but I have a hard time picturing my life with one, or even ever wanting one. I love my friends' kids, I'm sure I will love any neices or nephews I get, but having my own kids? Meh. Not really for me. I'm content to be crazy Aunt Princesss that takes the kids to Disneyland and sneaks them candy right before bed.

 

[radiantquest]

I am planning to never have children. DH has one from a previous relationship and she is 14. I dont really want to start all that when we are almost done.

A ton of my customers ask me if I have children. I used to say no and then feel the need to explain myself. What I find works wonders for all of you who do not have any nor do you want some when someone asks if I have children I reply with "No Thank you." Its nice, expresses my feelings and for some reason stops the questioning dead in its tracks.

 

[Tanzigrrl]

Seriously, that's a good idea. I'm always looking for a polite, but firm, answer that gets people to quit asking me "but WHY don't you want kids?"

 

[elrohwen]

We are childless, but then we're only 26. However, we plan to be childless for another 5-7 years at least. Basically, I'm planning to wait until I'm as close to 35 as possible before trying to conceive. If we get to that point and can't, I'll be ok with that too. At this point we only want to have a child because we feel like we would be missing out on a life experience by not having one, but I can honestly say that neither of us have any desire at this point. Hopefully some kind of biological clock kicks in because if I feel the same way in my 30s I can't imagine TTC.

The majority of our friends here are childless by choice (and most are 33-35 years old, so I don't see them changing their minds). With a group of people so much like ourselves, I obviously don't feel much pressure to have kids of my own. Even when a couple in the group does have kids, it's typically well into their 30s.

 

[Matata]

Childfree. I like that. I'm a biological dead end. Knew from an early age that I didn't want to be a mom and gifted myself with a tubal ligation on my 25th birthday 30 years ago. I've never regretted that decision. When I was young, the idea of having kids made me feel suffocated & trapped. I have thoroughly enjoyed being free to live my life as I choose.

When I was younger, it caused a bit of friction in the family -- everybody wanted to be either a grandparent or auntie or uncle. My friends who had children really pushed me to have kids and some of those friendships ended. I didn't like how they changed when they became parents, and I suppose they didn't like that I wouldn't change.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I am 29 and DH is 30, we have no kids and aren't planning to have them any time soon. I get a lot of questions and people being disappointed... we get "but you would make great parents" because we are both good with kids, however we're not sure if we want our own. I figure if I change my mind in 5 years or so we can try if not, than we wont.

 

[Amethyste]

I am 40.
My husband is 29.
We both made the decision this year that we will not have children. I am starting to be too old for having them, and right now, I just don't feel that I would have the stamina to care for one even if we suddenly changed our minds. We are just such busy people, I don't even know how we ever could manage what we do and raise a little one. I know I know, people say "It's different when you have your own!" Even though this might be true, I really do not have the desire nor the yearning to experience that. What if I turn to be a bad mother?

A lot of our friends have children and sometimes, we feel that we do not "fit" in. But it's ok... We made up our minds and we live with the + and the - of such decision.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I just cannot believe how rude some people can be by questioning you all about your choice regarding children. When someone says "No, I have no children" to me that means it's time to go on to another subject. Wow. I had no idea so many people were so insensitive...

 

[Astra]

Childfree couple here also. I just don't see the point of having children, and when I saw my grandmother die early this year I was even more sure I don't want to create another human who will have to go through that (living in world as it is now, strugling for better life and in the end dying anyway). And again, DH and I are more "career people" so no room for children there.

Oh boy, now I sound like I'm explaining myself

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I am 32 and just got married a month ago. We wanted to start having children, but it looks like we will be apart for 1.5-2 more years. I am now having to make the decision on what would be worse. Having a full time job, and raising a baby by myself during the week, or having kids when I am advanced maternal age.

Haven't figured it out yet. No one is really giving me a hard time being our situation is what it is.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I am 32 and just got married a month ago. We wanted to start having children, but it looks like we will be apart for 1.5-2 more years. I am now having to make the decision on what would be worse. Having a full time job, and raising a baby by myself during the week, or having kids when I am advanced maternal age.

Haven't figured it out yet. No one is really giving me a hard time being our situation is what it is.

IMO...better to have kids earlier in life.

 

[Gypsy]

Well we have made a conscious choice not to have children, so I think the feelings are very different and I don’t think they would help you very much athenaworth.

I will say that I enjoy other people’s children more and more as I grow older (35 this year OMG!) and I appreciate the vitality and joy they bring. I saw a friends babies (almost two years) this week and it had been a month since I’ve seen them last and they had learned SO MUCH. It was just amazing to watch them point to their heads when you asked them to. Funny to say that… a bunch of adults beaming as they stare at a 22 month old point to his head. But there it is. I have fun with kids. But I don’t need my own right now.

We are considering adopting in the next couple of years. We could have our own (at least I assume we could, we’ve never tried or checked) but we both … well we don’t feel that a child needs to be of our blood to be ours. And there are so many discarded children that have never any one care if they could point at their heads that we both want to provide that attention and care to a being that already exists, and is already deprived rather than create another being that will receive that attention. I know I didn’t state that well. But they point is, we are a fan of strays. And if we decide to have children in our lives we will adopt, and probably not a baby (5-7 years seems likely). And I know that will feel great. And hopefully the child feel great about it too.

I don’t know if this helps or whatever, but it is (at the least) a different viewpoint than the ‘norm’ I suspect.

 

[gemgirl]

We are sans children, not for lack of trying but because I had severe endometriosis for many and many years. Two major surgeries for PCOD and six Lap surgeries for Endo was not enough to help. We got pregnant once for sure and I miscarried at home alone. Endometriosis is good for that, since it creates an unstable, chemically hostile environment for pregnancy. Having miscarried once, I was convinced I had been pregnant one time before that, though not for as long. After all of those surgeries and six and a half years of trying, we both decided to give up on the idea. It all became too much. My husband was never into the idea of adopting, so the baby train stopped right there. It took me some time to come to terms with the idea that we would never have a child, but after a few years, I was OK with it all believing that if it was meant to happen, it would have.

Now I have two furbabies and a lot of sparklies.

I came back to edit this to add..... I really didn't feel too badly about the whole thing because I took care of my sisters three kids for eleven years. At one point, I had them with me five and sometimes six days a week. I took care of each one of them from the first day they came home from the hospital. I was literally up to my ears in baby stuff and kid stuff all the time. I guess after taking care of them, first one, then two, then three, over the course of eleven years, convinced me that I had put in my time. I was kinda' done after that.

 

[Porridge]

I just cannot believe how rude some people can be by questioning you all about your choice regarding children. When someone says "No, I have no children" to me that means it's time to go on to another subject. Wow. I had no idea so many people were so insensitive...

Ditto. I think it's the height of rudeness.

 

[Imdanny]

I don't have children but I think "are you childless" is a kind of unusual way of asking (edit- I see you covered that).

I'm glad I don't. If that makes some kind of horrible person, I can live with that. Much too big a deal for me to be responsible for. I'm sorry if there's pressure on you to have children. Thank kind of sucks.

 

[AGBF]

I'm not childless, but I went through similar questioning when we decided to stay a one child family and have a thread in FHH that shares my thoughts.

When T-Gal mentioned her thread it reminded me of this thread which is active in Family, Home & Health

right now! It was started by Zoe and hits some of the same areas people have hit in this thread. If this issue interests you, it is

definitely worth taking a look at the other thread, too.


[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/deciding-not-to-have-children-and-coming-to-terms-with-it.150435/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/deciding-not-to-have-children-and-coming-to-terms-with-it.150435/[/URL]



Deb/AGBF

 

[pierreone]

DH and I are in our early 40s and don't have children by choice. I grew up in a wacky family and was basically the mother to my two younger siblings, so I feel like I put in my mothering time during my child and teen years. Growing up I never gave having children much thought, but rather just accepted that it's the "normal" thing people do. However, when I got married at 22 I realized I had a choice over my own life and decided that kids weren't for me. DH wouldn't have minded having them, but didn't feel strongly, so for the most part this has been a peaceful decision for us.

You asked about it causing friction and I can say that it has for me. It's not so bad now that I'm past peak pregnancy years, but during prime childbearing years people gave me so much grief. I've been called a sinner, selfish, told that God didn't approve, told that I'm not a real woman, told that DH and I don't have a real family, and on and on. It amazes me that people feel so free to judge and comment on a totally personal choice that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

I think it's also been a bit harder to develop friendships. All of the people we know have children and just naturally have more in common with other parents. We notice that whenever we're in groups the men and women tend to split into two groups and the women always end up talking about kids and related topics. I totally get that it's natural, but it makes it hard to connect.

I hope you're able to be at peace with whatever decision you make and enjoy the life you decide on.

 

[Tuckins1]

I don't think it's "unnatural". It's a choice. I'm sure that it was devastating news to hear that you couldn't have children at first, and I'm glad that you have made peace with that. How presumptuous of people to think that something is "wrong" with people who don't want to have kids.... I wish more people in this world would give that much thought before they procreated!!! (I know a LOT who maybe should have chosen to go the other way!)

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks, Deb, for posting my thread. My husband and I haven't made a decision yet but it's an issue that has really gotten to me lately. My emotions have been all over the place. I need to do a lot of soul-searching on this subject but admittedly, I'm not very good at doing that. Anyway, I'm interested in reading this thread.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm not childless, but I went through similar questioning when we decided to stay a one child family and have a thread in FHH that shares my thoughts.

But yes, you're right, it IS a choice.

And when one chooses to go the path that isn't the norm (used to be 2.5 kids here in the U.S., but I think it's now 1. you get questioned. Someone wisely pointed that out in my thread. Another PSer on my thread said that people on a basic level just want their choices validated. I think that's true too. THEY'VE had kids, so they don't understand why others don't...it's not "natural" as you say.

As for your question about friction - as long as you and DH are in agreement about where you're going, you should be fine. Yes, you'll find that your friends with kids start excluding you as they start hanging out with others who can provide diversions for their little monsters (which means people who have monsters too). Don't take it personally. Oftentimes mothers don't want to put non mothers out with their kids and playgroup dates. Take more time to do things with your DH and others who either don't have kids, or value time without their kids. And of course, enjoy the time to develop your own hobbies and interests!

I know it's weird that people ask such personal questions like what your breeding plans are, but it's just a fact of life. If they ask, just say no you are not having kids. If they ask why, simply say my decisions are personal.

I recently got followed out of my friends house by her mother, practically scolding me on what I need to have another child. Yes, it's annoying, but I know in my heart my husband and I made the right decision for us. We don't have to answer to anyone, and people will learn to deal with it.

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

 

[Amethyste]

I'm not childless, but I went through similar questioning when we decided to stay a one child family and have a thread in FHH that shares my thoughts.

But yes, you're right, it IS a choice.

And when one chooses to go the path that isn't the norm (used to be 2.5 kids here in the U.S., but I think it's now 1. you get questioned. Someone wisely pointed that out in my thread. Another PSer on my thread said that people on a basic level just want their choices validated. I think that's true too. THEY'VE had kids, so they don't understand why others don't...it's not "natural" as you say.

As for your question about friction - as long as you and DH are in agreement about where you're going, you should be fine. Yes, you'll find that your friends with kids start excluding you as they start hanging out with others who can provide diversions for their little monsters (which means people who have monsters too). Don't take it personally. Oftentimes mothers don't want to put non mothers out with their kids and playgroup dates. Take more time to do things with your DH and others who either don't have kids, or value time without their kids. And of course, enjoy the time to develop your own hobbies and interests!

I know it's weird that people ask such personal questions like what your breeding plans are, but it's just a fact of life. If they ask, just say no you are not having kids. If they ask why, simply say my decisions are personal.

I recently got followed out of my friends house by her mother, practically scolding me on what I need to have another child. Yes, it's annoying, but I know in my heart my husband and I made the right decision for us. We don't have to answer to anyone, and people will learn to deal with it.

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

Zoe -

I am in the same situation as you... It is a little hurtful as we are seeing the same pattern with our own friends. But that alone will not change our decision to have children so we can hang out with our friends because we all have children. I understand it is a part of life that I need to deal with and I try to understand where they come from - but wished they also understood our side as well...

By the way *sorry for the TJ* I did email you and would love to meet. It would be lovely.

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

I just wanted to post a follow-up. For those of you who haven't experienced the blatant harassment, it's a little crazy. TWO DAYS IN A ROW I have now been asked when we were having kids. YESTERDAY a co-worker told me I shouldn't get a cute little two seater convertible because "Where will you put the car seat?!". I said we have our "puppy hauler" (our Equinox SUV) and that's all we'll be hauling anyway and got a snort and an eye-roll! This morning we went to a benefit breakfast for a former co-worker and were asked when we were going to fill our house with kids. I just said we have all the furry children we can keep up with.

I don't know what it is but I wish it wasn't so socially acceptable for people to be pushy about this topic! It makes me uncomfortable trying to think of other topics so I won't have to explain myself!

 

[Astra]

TWO DAYS IN A ROW I have now been asked when we were having kids.

Nobody asks me those questions anymore... I guess It's because of my answer which was: "And when was the last time you had sex?"

Sometimes you just have to be rude...as much rude as they are

 

[LaurenThePartier]

We are childless, but then we're only 26. However, we plan to be childless for another 5-7 years at least. Basically, I'm planning to wait until I'm as close to 35 as possible before trying to conceive. If we get to that point and can't, I'll be ok with that too. At this point we only want to have a child because we feel like we would be missing out on a life experience by not having one, but I can honestly say that neither of us have any desire at this point. Hopefully some kind of biological clock kicks in because if I feel the same way in my 30s I can't imagine TTC.

The majority of our friends here are childless by choice (and most are 33-35 years old, so I don't see them changing their minds). With a group of people so much like ourselves, I obviously don't feel much pressure to have kids of my own. Even when a couple in the group does have kids, it's typically well into their 30s.

Elrohwen, I was in your shoes at 26-27, for sure. And after DH and I married (I was 30, he was 27), I just didn't catch the baby bug at all.

It wasn't until my sister had her daughter a hair over 2 years ago (33) that it kicked in. Spending every weekend, and many nights with a baby really started kicking (furiously) at my biological clock, which I never thought would turn itself on.

I'm just really happy with my decision to wait until it was something my DH and I welcomed with anticipation over fear. I just turned 35 this week, and DH and I have traveled quite a lot in the past 5 years, done pretty much everything we had hoped to do before kids, and feel like the timing couldn't be better for us.

But, since I've already been through an ectopic pregnancy and an emergency laparotomy this year, DH and I are very zen with the possibility that it just might not happen for us. And that would be just fine. We love our life as it is now, and I think we will be very happy with either outcome.