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Are you an ex-friend-er?

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lliang_chi

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Mar 13, 2008
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That is do you stay friends with you ex''s? Ex spouse, SO whatever. Just curious.

I''ll go first. No, not an ex-friend-er. I harbor no bad feelings towards him, at the same time, I''m not missing anything with him being out of my life. For me, ex''s are ex''s for a reason. But I only have one ex (college sweetheart, dated 5 yrs) so I guess I''ve got a pretty sorry sample set.
 

geckodani

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2008
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8,896
Yup. Well, most of them. A few have faded into the sands of time, and the abusive a-hole I obviously have no desire to speak with.

But - I''m very good friends with 3 of my exes.

One of them was at our wedding, and was actually in my limo, cracking stupid jokes and telling scuba diving stories to keep me calm.
 

April20

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 1, 2008
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3,312
Pretty much no. There''s one guy that I casually dated that I still speak to online from time to time. But I don''t seek him out- it''s usually more responding to him. It never got serious, so I''m okay with it. If it had been serious, there''s no way I''d stay in any form of contact. Things don''t work out for a reason in my opinion.
 

ladypirate

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Jul 30, 2007
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4,553
Yup. I am definitely friends with my exes, but I was also friends with most of them before I dated them as well, so it makes sense that I would want to be friends afterwards.
 

princesss

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Mar 18, 2007
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8,035
I used to try, but it''s not a good plan for me. If BF and I were to break up, I don''t think we''d ever be friends again. Not worth the pain and hassle.
 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
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5,720
Only friends with the ones that were more along the lines of a "fling". I don''t go out with them on a regular basis, but we''ll send random emails, since they live in other cities... and hang with mutual friends if ever in town.

My ex which was my most serious, I feel it''s better to leave the past in the past. I wouldn''t want a girl who FI used to be in love with, to be around, so why would I do that to FI. I think my decision also has to do with the type of break-up. My ex broke up with me and it was very very hard for me, which FI knows. I would feel uncomfortable being friends with someone that my FI knows I never wanted to break-up with.
 

KatyWI

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
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755
I used to be a serious ex-friend-er. I at least keep in touch these days with most of the guys I dated - we were friends before we dated in most cases, so it wasn''t too tough. Now my life has taken me out of the loop that kept me in touch with most of them. I still catch up with most of them every once in a while, but I don''t have a single ex that is a close enough friend to consider inviting to my wedding. And my most recent ex who I thought for years that I was going to marry? Haven''t spoken to him since the split - and don''t regret that for one second!
 

LaraOnline

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Feb 24, 2008
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3,365
Nah!

And, on the flip side, when my DH and I first got serious and moved in together, an ex just turned up out of the blue in a bikini at our house.

We got engaged no more than a few days after...DH kept her at arms length...actually when she left he told me he 'hated her'!!!
... but I still haven't fully gotten over the surprise visit!! She seemed so ...over-confident...


That's another reason why I wouldn't contact an ex - don't want to mess with his current gf's mojo...
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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31,068
Date: 4/20/2009 11:38:09 AM
Author:lliang_chi
That is do you stay friends with you ex''s? Ex spouse, SO whatever. Just curious.

I''ll go first. No, not an ex-friend-er. I harbor no bad feelings towards him, at the same time, I''m not missing anything with him being out of my life. For me, ex''s are ex''s for a reason. But I only have one ex (college sweetheart, dated 5 yrs) so I guess I''ve got a pretty sorry sample set.
not if you are Chinese!!
 

MonkeyPie

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Apr 23, 2008
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6,059
I don''t talk to any of them, because I don''t need them. They all did things to either A) ruin my self esteem or B) ruin my credit. So they can rot for all I care
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
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3,269
Yup, friendly with mine. I liked them enough to go out with them for a while, and I was lucky to never have been badly burned.
 

violet3

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Dec 18, 2007
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3,688
Date: 4/20/2009 11:44:54 AM
Author: ladypirate
Yup. I am definitely friends with my exes, but I was also friends with most of them before I dated them as well, so it makes sense that I would want to be friends afterwards.
Ditto this - i have quite a few exes that i am good friends with.
 

Feralpenchant

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Joined
Feb 12, 2009
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427
I have a horrible habit of dating guys from the town I live in. It''s a small town, AND I MEAN SMALLLLLL! I usually don''t even realize they''re from my town when I meet them, cause I usually don''t meet them IN my town, and then we start dating, and I realize they live right up the street from me. Basically, if you live in my town, you live right up the street from me.

My ex SO of about 3 years now lives in the same town as I do, and he works right up the street from my house. He''s really good with computers and he works on mine quite regularly. He''s a cool guy, and he''s not mad at me anymore for breaking up with him and we''re both happily in relationships of our own. We hang out sometimes, as we still have great "friendship chemistry".

I''m lucky to have a SO that is secure with himself and trusting of me because otherwise I probably would not be able to hang out with my ex, even though it''s done and over with and we''re simply friends.

However, another one of my ex SO''s of about 5 years now ALSO lives in the same town as me and he''s good friends with my current SO''s brother, so he shows up at my house sometimes to hang out (I live with SO''s family for right now). The difference here is, this ex is still in love with me, so that''s always awkward.
 

musey

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Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
Not close friends, no, but I'm "friendly" (ie. am happy/comfortable sitting and talking with them, am "friends" with them on facebook, would speak well of them to others) with all but one of them. In all but one of my relationships, it ended because I just wasn't into them anymore. They didn't do anything wrong, they're not bad people - I just wasn't feelin' it. No reason to hold that against them


Though to be fair, I didn't date any of them for more than a year, and none of them were "serious" (as in, marriage never ever entered either of our minds).
 

Octavia

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Oct 28, 2007
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Depends on the situation. I''m still very good friends with one, and hopefully he and his wife will make it to my wedding (I went to theirs, too). I tried to stay friends with a couple exes but they acted like real jerks after we broke up and I don''t suffer fools gladly, so they got axed. In neither case was it directly caused by our previous relationship, although I may have had less patience with their antics because of it. And I never really had contact with a couple others, who never achieved "boyfriend" status anyway, after things kind of fizzled out. There was really never a "break-up" in those situations, just a fading away.

There''s one other guy who I never actually dated, but we had an attraction for years that never ended up going anywhere. And by the time he decided he wanted it to go somewhere, I had moved on and wasn''t interested anymore. I don''t actively avoid him, but I know he was upset when that happened and I don''t feel like I have anything to apologize for (he had seven years to make up his mind, what did he expect?), so if I happened to bump into him, it would probably be really awkward.
 

AmberGretchen

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Jan 6, 2005
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7,770
Some of them. Well, really only one. I''m not on bad terms with any of them, but there''s really only one where we were good friends for a long time first - we were actually best friends from the time we were about 12 until we both went off to college, and we dated for about a year when we were 16/17. Honestly, it was so clear we weren''t meant for each other romantically (and still is clear) that its not a threat of any kind of my marriage or anything like that.

I''m lucky that there''s none I''m on bad terms with, but I think in most cases our lives just went very different directions.
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
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May 18, 2008
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6,689
No...but not because I wouldn''t want to. It''s because I wouldn''t want FI to be friends with them.

He has slept with all of his ex-gfs and as immature as it sounds, it bothers me to think of them having a friendship. So if I wouldn''t be happy with him being friends with them, I can''t be friends with mine and that is perfectly fine with me.
 

CNOS128

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 28, 2008
Messages
2,700
I'm facebook friends with one of them, but it doesn't go past that for a few reasons. One of them basically disappeared off the face of the earth, and I just learned is living in Denver - but I have no interest in his friendship. And the one that I'd seriously consider being friends with was so mad at me when I broke up with him that I think if we ran into each other on the street he might spit on me. He's getting married 2 weeks after I am (I'm a really talented amateur private detective).
 

PaulaW

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 26, 2003
Messages
632
For the most part, no. I''m polite if I run into them, a quick hi and I''m on my way type of thing. I''m friends with one on facebook and he''s ok, more of an acquaintance now.
 

elrohwen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 20, 2008
Messages
5,392
Nope, never have. One guy was a pretty cool guy and we only went out for a month, so I tried to be friendly afterwards, but he blew me off.

The second was a friend from high school, but we didn't date until college. I don't go home or see old friends very often (maybe once a year) and he doesn't live in our old city either, so there isn't even a need to see him usually. The only thing that makes me sad is that his best guy friend in our group of friends, now hates me (for whatever reason; we never even spoke) and because of ex-bf and guy-who-hates-me, I can't do any group outings over the holidays with everyone and just end up going out to lunch with the girls. I think it's pretty lame that they all get to go bowling and do fun activies, and then I just have to see the girls on the side when they have time. But it's one day a year and in the end, I don't really care. Not worth trying to be friends with this guy (ex-bf or guy-who-hates-me) just for that.

ETA: Oh, and I just remembered something that second guy did that made me not want to be friends. He broke up with me because he didn't see super long term potential (we went out a year) but we still talked online for a while after that (since we were long distance, talking online was basically the same as continuing to go out). As the weather got nicer, I started spending less time at the computer and more time out with friends (and with FI, who I started seeing at some point). Months later I invited ex-bf to a bbq at my house that our other friends were attending. He went off on me about how I ignored him all the time and wasn't a friend to him. Uhh, you break up with me, but then expect me to talk online to you every night? Right
I never ignored him or was rude to him, I just stopped spending all my time talking to him online. The whole thing was so ridiculous that I decided it definitely wasn't worth trying to be friends with him ever.
 

joflier

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2007
Messages
3,511
I am friendly with basically all my exes. Although the soon to be ex-spouse, I''m not so sure about. I would be totally ok with being friends, but that''s not his personality. I''m sure we''ll be cordial if we meet at something or other, but I think he''d just rather I move to Egypt or something.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
No, no, no, no...the lines have been blurred and it''s almost to complicated to pretend like they weren''t blurred. I''m better off leaving the past in the past...where it belongs!
 

LadyBlue

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Joined
Mar 14, 2009
Messages
1,616
No right now, before I got married, I was friend with some exes, but when my hubby and I got engaged, we decided to cut all contact with the past.
 

purrfectpear

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Mar 31, 2008
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4,079
Not only was I the master of the easy let down, but I got two of my ex-FI''s to let me keep the engagement ring. They said it was a gift of love
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,450
The short answer is no. An ex-boyfriend and I began as really close friends before we dated, and after we broke up (years and years ago), we took time apart before trying to get back to a friendship. It never really worked and it was just awkward.
 

merrymunky

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Joined
Oct 17, 2008
Messages
1,069
I don''t have contact with ex boyfriends. One of them I would still say hi to and have a chat if I bumped into him as there were no bad feelings whatspever between us. In fact, he tried to help me out when I was in the worst relationship of my life. I moved away though so I never see him.

My most recent ex (well it is coming up to 8 years now) I have no desire to ever set eyes on again, let alone remain friends with him. If I saw him I may not be responsible for my actions. He was violent, manipulative...a cheater. I could not be friends with him. He needs to remain in the distant past.
 

Diamond*Dana

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Jul 21, 2006
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It depends on the ex. There are 2 of my ex''s that I have stayed in touch with through Facebook, and that is fine. I am not, nor will I ever be friends with my ex before DH...he cheated on me and I do not forgive and forget so easily on some things.
 

Lady_Disdain

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Jul 25, 2008
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3,988
I only have one ex - and staying friends with him was a mistake.

He was my college boyfriend. We split when he moved 1000km away when he graduated and I still had a year to go. The problem was, we never really broke up. He was returning to home town every other weekend, because of a course he was doing, and we were still seeing each other. Looking back, it was very weird. After the course ended, we split up but nothing was ever said outright.

We stayed friends for a long time. Every time we saw each other, people around us thought we were a couple. We weren''t, but I wanted us to be even though the relationship had been going bad for a long time before we split. He broke my heart (for the 3rd time) when he started a relationship with a girl in the city I lived (which he had told me was too far for anything to work out between us). They broke up and he called me again, just as friends. Then he started hitting me up - yup, he just wanted a booty call now and then, 3 years after we had broken up. I quickly put an end to that. He still called me once in a while, but I never saw him again.

After that, he started going through a midlife crisis in his late 20''s. Seriously, he bought a motorcycle, decided to learn to fly a plane, started hanging around a younger crowd. Very depressing.

Today, I have very little respect for him, both now and for the person he was when we were together.
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
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Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
I''m facebook friends with a few people I dated in college...but that was a long time ago and none of the relationships were longer than 6 months or so. I don''t really communicate with them but I am curious how they ended up. Plus, I kind of want to brag about how well I turned out, though I''m not sure I should admit to that feeling


I haven''t communicated with my major ex who I dated for several years since I decided I didn''t want to marry him and broke up. At all. He wanted to see me once right after and I agreed then canceled. I can''t really decide if it''s guilt or fear.
 

LaurenThePartier

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Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
10,100
I have one that I''m truly friends with. My high school sweetheart, and I helped him find the engagement ring for his girlfriend, and she waited a LOT longer than she needed to. EIGHT years! They finally got married at the end of last year, and I was so happy for both of them!

I have another brief ex who has somehow identified with my husband and is friends with him, but not me. I mean, yeah, we all met because we had VWs, but it just seems so odd to be friends with an ex''s new husband, and not with the ex. I never pretend to understand men, anyway.
 
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