Are People Too Touchy-Feely These Days?

[Smith1942]

I just saw an agony article about a woman who had told her friend that her husband was too touchy-feely with her. It got me thinking. I feel that these days, people ARE too touchy-feely. Last night, I met an old friend and colleague of my husband's for the first time. Why did she kiss me on both cheeks at the end of the meal? I'd never met her before. Yes, we got on very well during dinner and I liked her, but why the physical contact? I think it's very common these days for people to hug and kiss each other at the drop of a hat, and I for one have had enough of it!

Maybe it's just because I am not in my twenties anymore and settled into my life with my husband, but I really can't bear being touched by anyone but him, and the odd close family member or very best friend. In my local bar, some of the wait staff (who have now left) used to give me big hugs when I went in, and lots of mere acquaintances seem to hug and kiss me. No thanks! And it can also be very unhygienic.

I am sure that in the Fifties (I wasn't born then) people just greeted each other with smiles and maybe a warm handshake. Why does everyone have to fling themselves at each other these days?

I'm going back to my native country soon for a visit and I just know I'm going to get pawed to kingdom come. I think I might actually start telling people straight out not to touch me.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I just saw an agony article about a woman who had told her friend that her husband was too touchy-feely with her. It got me thinking. I feel that these days, people ARE too touchy-feely. Last night, I met an old friend and colleague of my husband's for the first time. Why did she kiss me on both cheeks at the end of the meal? I'd never met her before. Yes, we got on very well during dinner and I liked her, but why the physical contact? I think it's very common these days for people to hug and kiss each other at the drop of a hat, and I for one have had enough of it!

Maybe it's just because I am not in my twenties anymore and settled into my life with my husband, but I really can't bear being touched by anyone but him, and the odd close family member or very best friend. In my local bar, some of the wait staff (who have now left) used to give me big hugs when I went in, and lots of mere acquaintances seem to hug and kiss me. No thanks! And it can also be very unhygienic.

I am sure that in the Fifties (I wasn't born then) people just greeted each other with smiles and maybe a warm handshake. Why does everyone have to fling themselves at each other these days?

I'm going back to my native country soon for a visit and I just know I'm going to get pawed to kingdom come. I think I might actually start telling people straight out not to touch me.

I'm seriously curious to see where this thread leads. What an interesting topic! Me personally, I'm a hugger. I have yet to hear one person say they don't want to be hugged and most welcome it and say thanks and something about how they really appreciated it! That said, I don't hug everyone, but I do hug a good bit of people. To me, it's a way of being friendly.

Have you actually told people you're uncomfortable with being touched?

 

[IE_Princess]

I don't think so; I think people are less touchy-feely and I don't really think it is all that great for us as human beings. Touch does so many great things for us -- it reduces blood pressure, increases immune activity, releases oxytocin, etc.

I think that informal, casual touch is so infrequent in our culture that we really notice it, and even feel uncomfortable with it. Yet touch is so mammalian. I know people who are more physically affectionate with their companion animals than with family members. I do think our culture has become more fear driven and because of abuse we shy away from any non-immediate family touch. But doing so doesn't teach our children the difference between good touch and bad touch, or how to trust their own instincts. My children have been taught that they can refuse any touch from any person, but that they don't need to fear it. They accept with good humor the hugs and kisses of their many great aunts. They know that a pat on the back or a hand on the arm from one of the train club members holds no menace or motive.

I was raised with little physical affection and only now as I hit middle age am I opening up to the idea of social affection. Really, if your father and mother don't hug you (past the little kid stage) then it might feel really weird to be hugged by a friend. Luckily for me, DH was raised in an affectionate family and they taught me that affection is okay, even enjoyable. I didn't used to hug my friends, and I'm still not the one to initiate hugs, but I am receptive to them now. I hug family members (but only the members of my own family who seem to like hugs) and I engage it the cheek kissing common to the Mexican side of my MIL's family. It was weird at first, and now it's not, even if I am meeting someone for the first time or a friend of the family (so no relation).

I try to incorporate more touch into my parenting now that my children are older and more likely to be embarrassed by it. Hugs hello and goodbye, sideways hugs during a walk, a held hand (when I can get away with it). I mean, my dogs are physically affectionate each other (and with us) every time they are separated; certainly humans can use some hello/goodbye hugs.

All that said, touch is a personal thing. If someone is uncomfortable with it, for any reason (which they are not required to divulge) then that should be respected. I'm no fan of the person who ignores a request not to hug.

 

[Smith1942]

Well, I've only just tuned into it properly, due to that article, which has set me off! It reminded me of a few months ago when I was going to say something to those wait staff, but then they left. Back then, I was reflecting on the topic and now it's come up again.

With my husband's friend, I just knew she'd lunge at me, but in order to stop someone you have to bark at them in mid-lunge, which often isn't really appropriate - although she was a stranger to me, she wasn't to my husband.

My point is that these days random hugs, kisses are the norm and if you don't want any part of it then you are going to have to issue a lot of quick commands!

Maybe I'll start doing that. "Halt thou sticky paws, and stand thee an arm's length away!"

I've really only felt this way since being happily married - and perhaps being older, too. (3.

I was watching a British sitcom the other night, and an old male friend goes to hug his newly-married female friend. She rejects it - although they go way back - saying, "My hugs are reserved these days, Alistair."

And quite right too!

P.S. FancyPants, if we meet at a PS GTG at any point, you're not going to hug me, are you?

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

P.S. FancyPants, if we meet at a PS GTG at any point, you're not going to hug me, are you?

I promise to try to contain myself! Bahahahah

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I don't think so; I think people are less touchy-feely and I don't really think it is all that great for us as human beings. Touch does so many great things for us -- it reduces blood pressure, increases immune activity, releases oxytocin, etc.

I think that informal, casual touch is so infrequent in our culture that we really notice it, and even feel uncomfortable with it. Yet touch is so mammalian. I know people who are more physically affectionate with their companion animals than with family members. I do think our culture has become more fear driven and because of abuse we shy away from any non-immediate family touch. But doing so doesn't teach our children the difference between good touch and bad touch, or how to trust their own instincts. My children have been taught that they can refuse any touch from any person, but that they don't need to fear it. They accept with good humor the hugs and kisses of their many great aunts. They know that a pat on the back or a hand on the arm from one of the train club members holds no menace or motive.

I was raised with little physical affection and only now as I hit middle age am I opening up to the idea of social affection. Really, if your father and mother don't hug you (past the little kid stage) then it might feel really weird to be hugged by a friend. Luckily for me, DH was raised in an affectionate family and they taught me that affection is okay, even enjoyable. I didn't used to hug my friends, and I'm still not the one to initiate hugs, but I am receptive to them now. I hug family members (but only the members of my own family who seem to like hugs) and I engage it the cheek kissing common to the Mexican side of my MIL's family. It was weird at first, and now it's not, even if I am meeting someone for the first time or a friend of the family (so no relation).

I try to incorporate more touch into my parenting now that my children are older and more likely to be embarrassed by it. Hugs hello and goodbye, sideways hugs during a walk, a held hand (when I can get away with it). I mean, my dogs are physically affectionate each other (and with us) every time they are separated; certainly humans can use some hello/goodbye hugs.

All that said, touch is a personal thing. If someone is uncomfortable with it, for any reason (which they are not required to divulge) then that should be respected. I'm no fan of the person who ignores a request not to hug.

I really enjoyed reading this and hearing about your transformation! My parents aren't really all the affectionate and I think as a married couple, they should be touching more! It's cool though. I really try hard to make sure I'm holding hands, snuggling on the couch and kissing DH to show how much he is loved by me. If you read the 5 love languages, one of his is physical touch. Plus, I do think it brings us closer and is an intimate way to show our love, even in public.

 

[Smith1942]

I don't think so; I think people are less touchy-feely and I don't really think it is all that great for us as human beings. Touch does so many great things for us -- it reduces blood pressure, increases immune activity, releases oxytocin, etc.

I think that informal, casual touch is so infrequent in our culture that we really notice it, and even feel uncomfortable with it. Yet touch is so mammalian. I know people who are more physically affectionate with their companion animals than with family members. I do think our culture has become more fear driven and because of abuse we shy away from any non-immediate family touch. But doing so doesn't teach our children the difference between good touch and bad touch, or how to trust their own instincts. My children have been taught that they can refuse any touch from any person, but that they don't need to fear it. They accept with good humor the hugs and kisses of their many great aunts. They know that a pat on the back or a hand on the arm from one of the train club members holds no menace or motive.

I was raised with little physical affection and only now as I hit middle age am I opening up to the idea of social affection. Really, if your father and mother don't hug you (past the little kid stage) then it might feel really weird to be hugged by a friend. Luckily for me, DH was raised in an affectionate family and they taught me that affection is okay, even enjoyable. I didn't used to hug my friends, and I'm still not the one to initiate hugs, but I am receptive to them now. I hug family members (but only the members of my own family who seem to like hugs) and I engage it the cheek kissing common to the Mexican side of my MIL's family. It was weird at first, and now it's not, even if I am meeting someone for the first time or a friend of the family (so no relation).

I try to incorporate more touch into my parenting now that my children are older and more likely to be embarrassed by it. Hugs hello and goodbye, sideways hugs during a walk, a held hand (when I can get away with it). I mean, my dogs are physically affectionate each other (and with us) every time they are separated; certainly humans can use some hello/goodbye hugs.

All that said, touch is a personal thing. If someone is uncomfortable with it, for any reason (which they are not required to divulge) then that should be respected. I'm no fan of the person who ignores a request not to hug.

Hi. IF Princess, I know that touch is scientifically good for you and releases all sorts of feel-good chemicals but those sorts of chemical benefits don't happen with random hugs and kisses between strangers or casual acquaintances. That happens with prolonged touch between people who love each other, whether partners, mothers and newborns, or parents and children having a cuddle. I love THAT sort of touch - with people I love!

I grew up with lots of physical affection but all this random touching has got to me in the last year or two. I note that people are often over-familiar with me in a way they would never be with my husband.

 

[Smith1942]

P.S. FancyPants, if we meet at a PS GTG at any point, you're not going to hug me, are you?

I promise to try to contain myself! Bahahahah

 

[Smith1942]

I agree that married couples should touch a lot - but this thread is about the random lunges! Perhaps I'll take up fencing, and do a feint the next time someone decides to have at me with a hug!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I agree that married couples should touch a lot - but this thread is about the random lunges! Perhaps I'll take up fencing, and do a feint the next time someone decides to have at me with a hug!

I would LOVE to see this in action!

Just so you know, I voted sometimes. The reason is like you stated, it can be a little too much with complete strangers, but I also don't generally attack people I don't know! Only you, Smith...just wait for the next GTG!!

 

[kenny]

Have you actually told people you're uncomfortable with being touched?

+1

We all have a right to say how we want to be treated, even within families!
Whether or not we touch others should depend on their expectations and comfort level, no ours.
Be sensitive to other's body language.
You can even ask, "Can I hug you?"

Many people are not comfortable with touch.
It's wrong of me to just bulldoze over their feelings because I think ... Touching is healthy and good for everyone.

Personally, I'm probably about middle of the road about touching others.

One touching I despise ... when a waitress sits beside me to take the order, or when she touches me on the shoulder after leaving the bill or calling me Hon.
Money grab.

 

[Smith1942]

I agree that married couples should touch a lot - but this thread is about the random lunges! Perhaps I'll take up fencing, and do a feint the next time someone decides to have at me with a hug!

I would LOVE to see this in action!

Just so you know, I voted sometimes. The reason is like you stated, it can be a little too much with complete strangers, but I also don't generally attack people I don't know! Only you, Smith...just wait for the next GTG!!

I'm covered in boils! Really, I am! And they're VERY contagious!

 

[monarch64]

Smith1942, do you think the woman had had too much wine with dinner or something? Maybe (like some of us who drink more than one glass when socializing) her inhibitions were blurred and she just felt like showing you some extra affection?

I was never a hugger until I moved to a large city in my early 20's. Although my immediate family was small and we hugged each other, we were in a semi-rural area with a small population (18k), and personal space was abundant in many ways. Random acquaintances were unlikely to hug and kiss. I remember finding it so odd that everywhere I went in Chicago, people hugged and kissed me when greeting or saying goodbye. So that is my perspective/life experience.

10 or so years later, I'm living closer to my hometown again, and I'm much more comfortable hugging/kissing (on the cheek! never the lips!) people, but I think I have a good sense about who wants to receive that sort of affection and who is uncomfortable with it.

I have a few friends who, after a nightcap, will hug and kiss all over my husband and me when we're saying goodbye. It's kind of sweet, and funny, because they're obviously loopy from their drink (but not sloppy, just less inhibited.)

Personal space is something not everyone has the capacity to respect, and I really don't know why. My boss has mentioned to me before that he can tell from my body language with certain customers (close-talkers, we call them) that I really value my personal space and don't necessarily want anyone in it. I don't think people mean any harm, they just lack the intuition to know when someone else is uncomfortable. I usually cope with it by moving around or backing away, which must be very comical to onlookers.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Have you actually told people you're uncomfortable with being touched?

+1

We all have a right to say how we want to be treated, even within families!
Whether or not we touch others should depend on their expectations and comfort level, no ours.
Be sensitive to other's body language.
You can even ask, "Can I hug you?"

Many people are not comfortable with touch.
It's wrong of me to just bulldoze over their feelings because I think ... Touching is healthy and good for everyone.

Personally, I'm probably about middle of the road about touching others.

One touching I despise ... when a waitress sits beside me to take the order, or when she touches me on the shoulder after leaving the bill or calling me Hon.
Money grab.

I do usually ask to hug newer people, which is a really good point!

As for the waitress thing, unless I know you, it's way too unprofessional to sit next to me when taking my order. Weird.

 

[Enerchi]

P.S. FancyPants, if we meet at a PS GTG at any point, you're not going to hug me, are you?

I promise to try to contain myself! Bahahahah

oh Smith!!! watch out... cuz I'm coming for ya!!! I'm going to squeeze you till you pop and all your DBTY's end up around my neck instead!!!

 

[Jennifer W]

No one ever touches me. I must give off vibes or something.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Interesting thread!

I come from a culture where greeting people with an "air kiss" (cheek to cheek) is common. This doesn't strike me as touchy-feely at all and it is as personal as a handshake. I guess it all boils down to what we grow up with and are used to.

I have never come across random hugs or lips to cheek kisses from strangers or casual strangers. Those would disturb me!

 

[iLander]

Okay, all you people get away from me!

Just kidding. Sorta . . .

I do not liked to be touched by people that I neither married nor gave birth to. I hug my family plenty (lots and lots!) but I don't want to be hugged by anyone else. Ever.

But this hugging thing seems to persist, even in business. I tolerate it, and can't wait for it to be over. I don't care if we have worked together for 20+ years, I don't like it. And some people throw in a cheek smooch. WHY? Get off me!

I find the hugging condescending when it's a male colleague hugging me. I am your equal, would you really hug another guy? Of course not! Do you think I need hugging because I'm a soft, mushy girl? Stop it!

So, yeah, just don't . . .

 

[Kaleigh]

Was just thinking this today. I went to the UPS store to return a package.. The guy went out of his way to walk around the counter to touch my shoulder and said have an awesome day... See you soon...

WTH??

 

[ame]

I HATE to be touched by people, other than my husband usually, and even then that's annoying. lol

I usually will have an "accidental urgent" cough and that halts it most of the time. Other people don't get it and just get coughed on.

 

[minousbijoux]

Aww, crap! As I've gotten older, I have gotten more open about showing my emotion and hugging to show connection. I don't ever mean it to offend, or to mess with someone's personal space, and I rarely hug someone I don't know. But if I've had an extremely personal conversation with someone out of the blue and then we're departing, I might say "Its been so good talking with you - can I give you a hug?" I know that might be hard for someone in your shoes, and I might feel bad if they said "sorry but it makes me feel uncomfortable" but I would be so grateful they said it, and now, having read your thread, I will really try not to take it personally.

There are times when I've found myself in bear hugs of people I barely know; it is a little awkward, but I don't really mind so all's well. But if it made me uncomfortable at all, I could see hating those interactions, and sometimes, they are out of your control.

I recently met a PSer for the first time, and the minute I saw her, I hugged her! She might have thought I was cray cray, but I kinda felt like I already knew her, y'know? I probably owe her an apology, lol!

I have another PSer friend who I consider a close friend, who has told me that it is hard for her to show affection and to open up about personal things as she was not raised like that...fwiw...

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I agree, the hug business has gotten out of hand. I feel like the guilty party when I put

out my hand to defleck the oncoming attack, and usually say, lets skip the hug. A hug has more meaning to me than the casual
use of today. In fact the hug has less meaning because of its overuse. To console someone, or be consoled, the arm around my shoulders, lets me know that friends are there. Otherwise I find it to be a phony gesture that imitates the real thing.

So no hugs for me, please, unless you know me.

Annette

 

[Snicklefritz]

I just saw an agony article about a woman who had told her friend that her husband was too touchy-feely with her. It got me thinking. I feel that these days, people ARE too touchy-feely. Last night, I met an old friend and colleague of my husband's for the first time. Why did she kiss me on both cheeks at the end of the meal? I'd never met her before. Yes, we got on very well during dinner and I liked her, but why the physical contact? I think it's very common these days for people to hug and kiss each other at the drop of a hat, and I for one have had enough of it!

Maybe it's just because I am not in my twenties anymore and settled into my life with my husband, but I really can't bear being touched by anyone but him, and the odd close family member or very best friend. In my local bar, some of the wait staff (who have now left) used to give me big hugs when I went in, and lots of mere acquaintances seem to hug and kiss me. No thanks! And it can also be very unhygienic.

I am sure that in the Fifties (I wasn't born then) people just greeted each other with smiles and maybe a warm handshake. Why does everyone have to fling themselves at each other these days?

I'm going back to my native country soon for a visit and I just know I'm going to get pawed to kingdom come. I think I might actually start telling people straight out not to touch me.

Sometimes it's a cultural thing that goes back many, many generations, in which case it doesn't pertain to a current developing trend.

 

[AGBF]

I am bothered by many things, very bothered by some of them, but there are other things that I never notice. When I open threads about people hating things I never notice I am often left wondering why I don't even have a position of the matter. Am I simply an accepting person? Flexible? I think I am accepting and flexible...I never noticed that some people are huggers and others aren't, really. I absolutely notice every time anyone uses less when he should use fewer, however!

But back to the subject on which I am flexible! I tend to be physically conservative with my displays of affection. I am very, very warm and will put an arm around a child in an instant and play with dogs as long as I have an owner's permission and have done a ritual getting to know each other. I don't tend to put an arm around a person quickly, however. I think that my social work training may be part of what holds me back.

It has been deeply instilled in me that even when someone is in deep distress (the time when I might be most prone to putting an arm around him), sometimes the most helpful thing that someone can do for him is to listen in silence. I do not like to intrude on what someone else is telling me, sharing with me, by inserting my "feel good now" message into it when it is not wanted. Which doesn't mean I never hug anyone. I was told in social work school never to hug a client, but that if a client hugged me to respond with warmth. I always did that. I am a bit reticent with many people...and very exuberant with others.

AGBF

 

[ksinger]

I am bothered by many things, very bothered by some of them, but there are other things that I never notice. When I open threads about people hating things I never notice I am often left wondering why I don't even have a position of the matter. Am I simply an accepting person? Flexible? I think I am accepting and flexible...I never noticed that some people are huggers and others aren't, really. I absolutely notice every time anyone uses less when he should use fewer, however!

But back to the subject on which I am flexible! I tend to be physically conservative with my displays of affection. I am very, very warm and will put an arm around a child in an instant and play with dogs as long as I have an owner's permission and have done a ritual getting to know each other. I don't tend to put an arm around a person quickly, however. I think that my social work training may be part of what holds me back.

It has been deeply instilled in me that even when someone is in deep distress (the time when I might be most prone to putting an arm around him), sometimes the most helpful thing that someone can do for him is to listen in silence. I do not like to intrude on what someone else is telling me, sharing with me, by inserting my "feel good now" message into it when it is not wanted. Which doesn't mean I never hug anyone. I was told in social work school never to hug a client, but that if a client hugged me to respond with warmth. I always did that. I am a bit reticent with many people...and very exuberant with others.

AGBF

I'm pretty much the same way. Happy to hug the huggers, and just as pleased to let people be or to be untouched myself. I think it's a matter of one's ability to read body language cues, one's emotional quotient, if you will. Some people are unable or worse, unwilling, to read that.

I don't think people are any more demonstrative "these days", though. That phrase indicates a large trend that is somehow new or not like it used to be, and I don't see it. I really think, like others have pointed out, it may be simply a function of the micro-culture or social set you find yourself in at the moment. I don't notice people in my circle or my state, being overly demonstrative, or standoffish for that matter. Most don't hug unless they know you pretty well, has been my experience.

 

[momhappy]

No, I don't think that people are too touchy-feely. If anything, I'd say that people are more reserved. In our circle of friends and acquaintances, it's not uncommon to kiss on the cheek and/or hug. There's nothing "romantic" there, so the fact that most of us are married, makes no difference. Occasionally, there will be a guy friend who goes in for a kiss on the lips and I will just deflect with a cheek and move on with life.

 

[aviastar]

I agree that married couples should touch a lot - but this thread is about the random lunges! Perhaps I'll take up fencing, and do a feint the next time someone decides to have at me with a hug!

I would LOVE to see this in action!

Just so you know, I voted sometimes. The reason is like you stated, it can be a little too much with complete strangers, but I also don't generally attack people I don't know! Only you, Smith...just wait for the next GTG!!

I can personally vouch for Fancy's hugs- they are the good, happy kind! She's no creeper!

 

[diamondringlover]

I am not touchy feely and do not like touchy feely..heck I am not even good with hugging my adult or teenage son I do try, I really do,I make myself hug family members....because it is expected of me...but seriously I dont like it...I am not really sure why I turned out as cold as I am...my parents never hugged that I remember anyway and there was never much hugging when I was growing up..so that must be what did it. My hubby's family on the other hand like to hug especially my mother in law..it drives me nuts, but I try and tolerate it. Me and hubby use to hold hands and hug and such..but we havent done that in years...I couldnt tell you the last time we hugged...but that is a story I wont go in to....

 

[Dee*Jay]

Rut ro -- Big offender here! I'M A HUGGER! I'm not a kisser though, so maybe I'm only half bad.

I will have to make a no-hug list the GTGs so I don't go lunging for the wrong people, especially those of you who are adept fencers!

(iLander, you broke my huggin' heart! I was SO going to go for you straight off the bat when we met in person!)

 

[woofmama]

Hug-A-Holic here!!!
In the last ten days or so I've hugged 4 Psers, one PSers DH, both of my sons who don't want to be hugged, several of the ladies from the rescue group I held a fundraiser for yesterday.
No-one seemed dodgy at my advances except my 21 yr old. I hug him just to annoy him We are a very physical bunch.
Chicagoans in general are friendly, touchy, feely I think. My friends and I always hug hello. Maybe it's because we are freezing our ass off most of the year There's nothing like a hug to warm you up, come to momma Smith