Are Engagments Traditional any more?????

[Tazie973]

I hope this does not come off as bad or negative. I am just really curious. I have read a lot of post and it seems that alot of you LIW talk to your SO about getting married and being engaged. They have a ring and have not given it yet or they tell you that they want to get married and a engagement is to come. I am just curious because I was with my S.O for three year and we never once talked about getting married. Never went looking for rings, never talked about when we would get engaged. Christmas morning I got a E Ring and as you can imagine, total shock to me, and of course I said yes. Maybe its modern day age that when you live together for a while or date it becomes a conversation piece but for me it never had so I find it interesting that this is happening so much. I guess in my thoughts, if your to a point of discussing an engagement and looking at rings then why is there an issue with the waiting game. Sorry if I sound like its not ok, cause really it is, im just curious.....I would have guessed my engagement to be about another 3-5 years off......and maybe would have said something if it would have been longer. This is my first engagement, so Im just not sure. thanks for understanding in advance that this is just curiousty and not negative.

 

[dragonfly411]

Tazie - Hi!!! Congratulations first and foremost. Second I AM SO HAPPY YOU GOT THAT!!!!! Honestly I think times are simply changing. At the same time.... in WAY yesteryear, marriages were planned before you met a person. I think there will always be differences in how things happen. My work situation sortof prevents a surprise for me, when it comes to a ring purchase. My SO and I also are trying to give ourselves reasonable timelines for certain goals, including saving money for a ring, and marriage. It is something that is important to us. That being said, I love hearing about complete surprises, I think it is wonderful, and I sometimes envy those girls that get it in ways. I hope that helps!!!!

 

[hihowareyou]

Every situation is different. For me it was natural to discuss the future together. Partly to see if our goals were similar/could work together but also because after 6 years my intentions were to spend my life with him and needed to know if he felt the same way.

I think the waiting game is an attempt at being old fashioned and making the moment special and a surprise. We didn''t do that, we announced that we were engaged and then went out and bought the ring. It confused a lot of people. It also confused everyone that we didn''t have a super romantic engagement story since we were just sitting in the lounge room and decided it a good time to make it official. People love to have a story to go with their engagement (it doesn''t bother me that I don''t) but I can see why it can be important to some that there be an element of surprise in there.

 

[Tazie973]

I really thought that me and my S.O would get to a point that we would just talk about getting married. We both had talked alot about being together for ever and this was the real deal you wait for your whole life. I guess I knew in my heart he was the one and it would come natural. I didnt exspect an engagement or a ring. I guess I thought we would be on vacation and he would say hey lets get married this weekend...i dont know. Maybe it is because i was in a 14 year relationship with out an engagement and I learned a lot of patients or maybe because i was married at 16 and divorced by 18. ( forced marriage ). I just was curious about the planning the engagement and waiting thing. Its interesting to me how couples have evolved so much over time and depending on the age difference with how things happen. I think its so great for anyone to be engaged if they are ready no matter how it happens.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I think it means different things for different people. My guy and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, living together most of that time, joint accounts, etc. An official engagement and marriage seem to be the next steps.

My older sister on the other hand, has been wearing an engagement ring for 4 years with absolutely NO talk of marriage.

It is what it is. Some people like the idea and some don''t. I think it''s very personal and there are many ways to go about it, whether you call it "engagement" or not.

Congrats!

 

[AustenNut]

We weren''t dating terribly long before marriage came up, certainly not the years and years that some of the LIWs have had. But for us it was more about seeing where in life each of us was, and whether or not we had the same wishes for the future. For me it would feel a bit odd being very serious about someone and thinking about a lifelong relationship without knowing whether or not they felt the same way.

As far as the ring goes, my boyfriend knows that I''m a wee bit picky (or a lot bit picky...your choice). And he wants to make sure that I''m thrilled with the ring and am happy to wear it for the rest of my life. (I doubt he''s even heard of an upgrade, and I don''t ever want one so I haven''t brought it up.) But I doubt that he''ll hold on to the ring for long after he receives it. But we''ll see!

 

[Mobinvera]

I’m not engaged yet, but my BF and I talk about our future engagement all the time, and we have purchased the ring. Our feeling is that the proposal should be a surprise, but the IF and WHEN (generally, not specifically) should be a decision that both people make.

We dated for 1 year before we discussed it seriously, and it has been 6 months since then. I am in my late 20’s so felt I was at an age where it was important to make sure we are on the same page. And once we discussed it and I knew that he wanted the same thing within the same timeframe, I felt so settled - I knew for sure it was coming soon and could relax & enjoy.

My BF wants me to have the perfect ring, so we recently purchased it together. Our thinking was that the surprise would last a few minutes, but the ring would last forever and he wanted me to have exactly what I wanted. Ironically, I changed my mind on what I wanted and had it re-set, but that’s a different story. Also, it was fun to try on all the different styles during the process and make a major purchase together.

We want the actual proposal to be a surprise, which is why we are “waiting” even though the ring has been purchased. Most of the girls in my social circle knew it was coming, and had some degree of input on the ring.

 

[rierie26]

I think there are still a good number of people who have the traditional surprise proposal, but there''s also now a good number of people who discuss it beforehand too. I think of the people who discuss it beforehand, a good majority probably still have proposals but they just know that it''s coming in the future. I hope that''s what I get, just because I hate surprises. LOL.

 

[saltydog75]

I totally get the trend toward talking about it beforehand, and planning it out, and getting a ring afterward, etc,
but I am a total romantic. How many times in your life can you possibly have that earth-shattering moment when you''re hit by a wave of pure (hopefully happy) emotion? Maybe when you have a child? I just love the idea of a proposal being completely a surprise and absolutely knocking her off her feet.

 

[Lozza]

We talked about it alot over our relationship. My Fiance had never thought about getting married (he thought we would spend our whole lives together but unmarried), so if I had never brought it up I never would have got the proposal. I think in this day and age, where it isn''t necessarily a given that everyone wants to get married, it probably gets discussed a lot more.

It''s also worth mentioning that the people on this forum are waiting for a proposal so it would seem skewed - if you got a proposal out of the blue you wouldn''t be hanging out on a LIW forum!

 

[elrohwen]

Congrats on getting engaged!

I think things are less tranditional, but there's a good reason for that. 50 years ago, a woman might need to marry a man in order to have a good life, because she didn't have a good career of her own. She dated a nice man and it was expected that nice men proposed to nice women and supported them. These days, women have their own careers - they have their own money and don't need a man to support them. They don't even need a man to buy the ring; they can help with the purchase. Also, plenty of people date without getting married, so couples need to discuss to make sure they're on the same page. 50 years ago I think there was more of an understanding that if you dated a while, you would get married - that's how it went. Now there is no guarantee, so couples need to discuss what they're doing and where they're going.

Personally, I could not have handled being in my relationship and not discussing marriage. I couldn't have sat around and waited to see if my bf decided to buy a ring and propose. We discussed it from 6 months into our relationship very openly and I even designed the ring that I wanted. I feel that I'm an equal partner in this relationship, so I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I also totally understand desiring the element of surprise. My best friend doesn't really discuss marriage with her bf (they're brought it up twice for very brief conversations in the past 2 or 3 years). She wants it to be a complete surprise and I respect that too. Maybe I just really don't like surprises

 

[Skychick]

My BF and I are different. We have hypothetical situation conversations about marriage. He knows that I want to marry him. This is just the way to talk about it without freaking him out too much. I "accidently" emailed him a picture of my perfect ring. Anytime there is a present giving opportunity, I tell him I want something sparkly -he knows what I am talking about. But we are both traditional. He really wants to surprise me and I really want to be surprised.

 

[HavocBride]

I believe it most depends on the couple.

For some, that surprise is wonderful.

For me, it would have been terrifying.

I am, by nature and by fault, a logical and reasoning person. I plan to the very last dot. I can''t stand surprises, I don''t like life-altering things to be sprung on me. An out-of-the-blue proposal would have sent me sprinting in the opposite direction at a speed worthy of the Olympics.

Maybe it isn''t the most romantic thing to discuss marriage, discuss when and how, discuss the engagement before it happens. It was still a surprise when he proposed (though admittedly, he proposed without a ring), but when I said "yes", I knew it was in confidence because it had been thought over time and time again.

 

[LilyKat]

Personally, I can''t imagine being with someone for three years and the subject not coming up. Heck, if I was just friends with someone for that long (never mind in a relationship), I''m pretty sure I''d know their feelings about marriage by the end of it!

I don''t think talking about it makes it less special or even less "traditional". To me, it''s sensible. I''d never accept a proposal unless we had talked thoroughly about the marriage itself (where we would live, if we would have children, our beliefs about marriage and divorce, and so on).

Please don''t think I''m criticising you - I think it''s wonderful that you had a proposal you and your fiance are happy with, and I do think the surprise aspect can be really romantic. Just trying to explain why that isn''t the case for many (most?) people.

 

[Pushin40]

I really cant even fathom the concept of getting gengaged when marriage hasn''t even been discussed.

I mean, we are talking about FOREVER here.....I don''t think the total suprise thing is "traditional" at all. Where is that idea even coming from?

The movies?

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/12/2010 3:42:34 PM
Author: Pushin40
I really cant even fathom the concept of getting engaged when marriage hasn''t even been discussed.

I mean, we are talking about FOREVER here.....I don''t think the total surprise thing is ''traditional'' at all. Where is that idea even coming from?

The movies?

Ditto.

I would never enter into an engagement with a man if we hadn''t discussed it beforehand. Marriage is a very serious endeavor, and for me at least, it was important that our expectations for our marriage and for our lives were compatible.

I''m a pretty traditional person, my husband set up a meeting with my father before he proposed to ask permission for my hand, we sent out the engraved invites to the wedding, and the whole nine yards. But to propose without any discussion of marriage? I''ve never heard of adults engaging in that type of behavior.

We also chose the ring together, but the proposal moment itself was a surprise. Worked for us.

It''s also worth noting that we often look back at previous generations through rose colored glasses. I think your understanding of how engagements came about may be a bit misguided. I imagine many couples discussed marriage before the surprise proposal came to be.

 

[musey]

Can anyone honestly say that discussing marriage BEFORE the engagement could be a bad thing? Honestly?

Here''s how I see it.

Marriage is a huge commitment. Outside of having children, it may well be the biggest commitment you willfully make to another person in your life. For me, logic dictates that this is a decision that should be thoroughly weighed and discussed ahead of time.

Part of it hinges on a different view of engagement itself. We viewed our engagement as a mutual decision to come to together, once we were ready to get married. If this is how you look at it, then it makes sense that you''d discuss a possible future marriage just as you would possible future children. Others view an engagement as a romantic proposal of a somewhat nebulous (in timing and logistics) "next step," a validation of your deep feelings for each other. If this is how you look at it, then discussing marriage takes away from the excitement/mystery/surprise of a proposal.

I personally would not have like to be surprised by a proposal. If you are truly surprise, then you had no idea it was coming. I would not feel ready to marry someone if I didn''t ''see it coming.'' A proposal with no prior discussion of marriage would elicit a "no" from me.

That''s me. Some people find that lacks romance, I find the surprise to lack logic.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/8/2010 6:35:24 PM
Author:Tazie973
I was with my S.O for three year and we never once talked about getting married. Never went looking for rings, never talked about when we would get engaged. Christmas morning I got a E Ring and as you can imagine, total shock to me, and of course I said yes.

...

I would have guessed my engagement to be about another 3-5 years off......and maybe would have said something if it would have been longer. This is my first engagement, so Im just not sure. thanks for understanding in advance that this is just curiousty and not negative.

I wanted to address this specifically, in addition to my post above.

My husband and I got engaged after three years. Three years and two weeks, actually. Marriage had been on the table since the 6-month mark, very seriously since the 2-year mark, and the engagement had been imminent (we were ring shopping and making semi-solid wedding plans) since the 2.5-year mark. By the time we were engaged we found all those "pre-wedding counseling" things obsolete as we''d already discussed and dissected everything any book/website/counselor could suggest... as much as you can expect to until you''re in any given situation.

Now, everyone''s relationship is different, and everyone moves at a different pace... but I feel pretty confident in saying that a majority of couples have at least touched on the subject of marriage, if not discussed it thoroughly, by three years in. This doesn''t mean anything about you or your relationship other than the fact that you don''t ''fit the mold'' as it were. So do know that it''s out of the ordinary to have gotten to year three and a proposal without having discussed any of this stuff.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/12/2010 8:10:08 PM
Author: Haven
It''s also worth noting that we often look back at previous generations through rose colored glasses. I think your understanding of how engagements came about may be a bit misguided. I imagine many couples discussed marriage before the surprise proposal came to be.

I agree

I think it is, like you said, a surprise only as far as the moment/execution. I knew he had the ring, knew about what it would look like, knew that he was indeed planning to propose (obviously)... but that''s it. There''s a lot more to a proposal than that, and even with all the information I had, his proposal still made my heart stand still.

 

[Tazie973]

Thanks for the in site....I knew from week 2 that we would be together forever. We are older, kids grown and never really cared if marriage was on the table or not with him. The security was there, the knowing feeling you have was there. So I really didnt care if we got married or not. Im very excited and love him more than anything, was just very surprised. I guess i dont fit the mold and that is ok. Im glad he gave me a past , present and future ring to move to my RHR so that I can pick out my wedding set. I knew we would be married ( with out papers ) for ever....We always talked about " Ten Years Down The Road " just didnt think wedding bells woudl be heard.....Thanks to all

 

[jewelz617]

All my friends had rings, wedding dates, venues, EVERYTHING picked out. When I said "So when did you get engaged?" they said "Oh, I'm waiting for him to surprise me."

For me, I just wanted to get married without the show. I actually asked my husband if he thought we should get married and his answer was "Of course, let's get married."

So we did. No frills, no waiting, just 2 adults agreeing to spend a lifetime together. It worked for us. Getting a dream ring and proposal wasn't important at all because I had my dream man. I'm sounding so corny but it's true!

I think it's good to discuss it and have the "Is everyone on the same page" talk at least once before getting a ring.