Anyone need a joke?

[kenny]

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be . . . ahem . . . accommodated in that romantic way, if you know what I mean.
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed and several minutes passed.
Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

 

[TooPatient]

Very funny Kenny!

 

[TooPatient]

Hope you don't mind me posting one I found the other day.


The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went....
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"

 

[Porridge]

Hahaha I'm loling.

 

[that_someone_special]

HEHEHEHE

 

[rhbgirl24]

Hahahahaha to both of them!

 

[redfaerythinker]

Those are Awesome!

Ok here's mine.

One night a burglar broke into a couple's home while they were in bed. He tied the husband to a chair, and tied the wife to the headboard. As he was tying her up, he whispered something in her ear. Then he went to the bathroom and closed the door. "Honey" the husband said, "He wants you, whatever he wants to do, just let him, be brave sweetie, I love you so much". The wife just looks at him and says, "Honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're hot and asked if we had any lube. Be brave honey, I love you".

 

[kenny]

Hahaha.

 

[yssie]

hehehe

 

[charbie]

couple of weeks ago i posted a "joke thread" that got ignored...i feel less love.

anyways- here's one i'm loving right now...

a little boy was given a train set by his parents for Christmas. his mom overhears him from the kitchen playing with his new toy, saying, "if you're getting on, get the $%&^ on. If you're getting off, get the #%$ off." his mother, horrified, runs into the family room where he's playing, and says, "we do NOT use that language in this home! you're grounded for 2 hours. go to your room!" so the boy goes to his room. after two hours, he comes back down and begins to play with his train set again. he says again, "if you're getting on, get the #^$% on. if you're getting off, get the &^%$ off. if you're pissed about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[MissGotRocks]

LOL - love all three - thanks for the laugh!

 

[iLander]

Kenny, that was hilarious! More, please!

 

[Tuckins1]

Lol!!

 

[Indylady]

Those are Awesome!

Ok here's mine.

One night a burglar broke into a couple's home while they were in bed. He tied the husband to a chair, and tied the wife to the headboard. As he was tying her up, he whispered something in her ear. Then he went to the bathroom and closed the door. "Honey" the husband said, "He wants you, whatever he wants to do, just let him, be brave sweetie, I love you so much". The wife just looks at him and says, "Honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're hot and asked if we had any lube. Be brave honey, I love you".

Rape is not funny.

 

[lucyandroger]

Those are Awesome!

Ok here's mine.

One night a burglar broke into a couple's home while they were in bed. He tied the husband to a chair, and tied the wife to the headboard. As he was tying her up, he whispered something in her ear. Then he went to the bathroom and closed the door. "Honey" the husband said, "He wants you, whatever he wants to do, just let him, be brave sweetie, I love you so much". The wife just looks at him and says, "Honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're hot and asked if we had any lube. Be brave honey, I love you".

Rape is not funny.

Way to kill a joke thread! To be honest, I didn't get that one either but to each his/her own. Maybe I can get this thread started again. This joke seems appropriate:

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

[kenny]

Before you read this joke swap the genders if you are a get-your-panties-in-a-wad-that's-not-funny type.

It's a joke.



A guy comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair and yells to his wife "honey, quick bring me a beer before it starts".
She runs to the kitchen gets a beer from the fridge and brings it to him.

He chugs it down in one gulp and yells "Quick bring me another beer before it starts".
She gets another beer from the fridge and brings it to him.

He polishes it off in one gulp and yells "Quick bring me a beer before it starts".
She says "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!"

He says "never mind. It just started".