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Anyone hugely disappointed with an engagement ring?

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by kmoro, Dec 27, 2018.

  1. kmoro
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    by kmoro » Dec 27, 2018
    Last April, my boyfriend took a 10 minute shopping trip to a friend’s b&m jewelry store, and proposed with a .25 RBC solitaire. The proposal happened while I was watching tv just after midnight, also with no sign of forethought or romance.

    He also knew that I love diamonds.

    When he wanted a dog, he spent months looking at different ones, and after much consideration, bought one for $2500.

    I felt like the dog was more important.

    For reasons other than this, we broke up. But I was so sad that I’m still disappointed, lol.

    How would you have felt? Am I just a crazy and materialistic jerk?
     
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  2. bludiva
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    by bludiva » Dec 28, 2018
    It sounds like the lack of care was more the issue. If he couldn't comfortably afford more than a .25ct ring and searched for the best one he could find and presented it in a heartfelt way would you still be upset?

    I won't lie, i probably would have not been thrilled with that small of a ring even with the best of intentions but it's an object that can be changed. In the scenario you describe it sounds more like a reminder of underlying issues. I'm sorry you had to go through this, and i dont think you're a jerk. -hug
     
  3. foxinsox
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    by foxinsox » Dec 28, 2018
    No you’re not a jerk for being thoroughly underwhelmed by a proposal that seems to have had literally no thought or consideration put into it especially when your ex showed he clearly would put time and effort into things that were important to him. It’s not a huge leap to feel that ergo, you weren’t as important to him as you should have been.
     
  4. Bron357
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    by Bron357 » Dec 28, 2018
    I understand.
    It’s not so much the size /cost (because everyone has different budgets) as it was a “quick decision, no research or consideration” and the proposal was “blah” - quite a different process to his careful, considered, researched and no expense spared acquisition of a dog.
    I’d be the first to say that the “acquisition of a fiancée” was more important and deserving of better care and attention that a dog, but obviously his priorities were different”.
    So, no wonder you felt short changed.
    It’s quite alright to feel that your engagement ring, your first milestone “gift” be given due care and consideration and the proposal be special. Everyone deserves a special moment at the time of proposal. It could have been a $10 ring he made himself presented to you on a beach after you caught the bus there together and the flowers he gave you “borrowed” from some gardens along the way - it’s the effort, the thought, the sentiment that counts.
    It’s not so much the size or the cost of the ring but the fact that his lack of effort didn’t make you feel special or the moment feel special.
    Don’t worry, there’s a far more deserving guy out there who will make you feel special.
     
    


    


  5. nala
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    by nala » Dec 28, 2018
    Did he try to make it right? Did you give him the chance to? Did he know the symbolism behind the ring?
    to answer your question, I was never disappointed Bc I was very clear about wanting to get married and picking my ring. On the other hand, I never got a romantic proposal since I was the one who brought it up. But we’ve been together for 15 years and are still happy. In these 15 years, he has lovingly surprised me with romantic gestures on several occasions.
    Eta: you said you broke up for other reasons so I guess my questions have no relevance. I think what’s important is what you have gained from this experience. Many women are brought up to be demure and chill and not voice their desire to want to marry for fear they will come off as demanding. I’ve never understood that mentality.
     
  6. Dancing Fire
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    by Dancing Fire » Dec 28, 2018
    I'll take a $2500 diamond over a $2500 dog. :lol:
     
  7. kmoro
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    by kmoro » Dec 28, 2018
    Awwww - thank you all!
    I suppose with all the diamond and engagement talk, I found a place to vent. I really appreciate your kind words!!!!
     
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  8. LJsapphire
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    by LJsapphire » Dec 28, 2018
    My first engagement ring was iirc 0.22 carat D colour, SI2 in 2004. I wasn't disappointed at the time, we went to a B&M and picked it out together. The proposal itself was pretty meh, he didn't actually ask until I said "now you need to propose" :rolleyes: I got married in 2007 and I think shortly after that posted a pic of my nails on facebook and someone who got married around the same time was criticising my ring for being small.

    Not disappointed with the current ring, he was doing a lot of research until we stumbled across it in an antique shop. He is the kind of person who believes in researching big purchases. The proposal at home was cute but perhaps could've been a bit more exciting. I think I'd have preferred the traditional presentation of him holding the box in front of me and opening it.
     
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  9. MissGotRocks
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    by MissGotRocks » Dec 28, 2018
    I think what you were seeing more than anything was his insensitivity to the situation. A marriage proposal can be done many ways but the decision to marry is important and shouldn't be a ring given during a tv show. My guess is that you had felt that lack of attention before - meaning that the proposal wasn't an isolated incident - and decided he wasn't the one for you. I think you are on the right track. I understand you are still hurt but the right person for you will come along and the hurt will be gone.
     
  10. vintageloves
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    by vintageloves » Dec 28, 2018
    I was also disappointed in my ring and my proposal (didn't even get one). The ring is one thing, but the lack of a proposal bothered me for years.

    That said, I've been happily married for coming up on 15 years. Because even though he let me down in that instance, we had a strong foundation and I never doubted he loves me or thinks I'm his soulmate. He just let his stubbornness and sense of his own genius get in the way of something important to me. He is a flawed man, but I love him anyway, and marrying him was absolutely the right decision.

    I don't think it's crazy and materialist to not like a ring or hope for a romantic proposal. But I do think if you're with The One, allowing those things to be deal breakers hurts no one but yourself. In your case, your disappointment just helped you realize you were with the wrong man. Now you're free to find HIM. Good luck!
     
    


    


  11. MakingTheGrade
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    by MakingTheGrade » Dec 28, 2018
    My current partner and I are pretty gender reversed in regards to “roles” which I don’t at all mind. I’ll be picking out and paying for my own ring so any disappointment will totally be my own fault! No proposal either as I do not like those kind of surprises especially in front of an audience. Nor do I think it’s the man’s duty to propose and it would make me uncomfortable to have it feel so unilateral. I know my views are not normative, but they’re just mine and I don’t expect anyone else to live by them.

    My lack of traditionalism is part of why I got divorced before though. He was a very old school guy. That ering was disappointing due to lack of thought on his part when it came to the setting which he picked on a whim when picking out the diamond. It was not at all me and he picked it because it looked like what everyone else had. :/
    To his credit he didn’t mind my redesigning it and the center stone was well researched so it became an awesome 5 stone ring that I still wear on my middle finger.
     
  12. LJsapphire
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    by LJsapphire » Dec 28, 2018
    I meant to add that I would probably be disappointed by the ring these days and the lack of effort. Got distracted and had to go out.
     
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  13. Wewechew
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    by Wewechew » Dec 28, 2018
    I was disappointed with the engagement ring from my ex fiancé. I had three requests: I didn't care how big it was but I wanted it to be a natural diamond, I wanted it to be a really high quality diamond, and I wanted it set in platinum. The diamond he gave me had an inclusion that was probably 1/4 the size of the table, and it was set in 14k white gold. This pretty much summed up our entire relationship- him trying to cut corners and not understanding when I was disappointed.
     
  14. House Cat
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    by House Cat » Dec 28, 2018
    When I was very young and with an abusive deadbeat, I got pregnant. His mother was so dead set on us getting married that she actually brought the ring herself. He proposed with it and I said yes but I never married him. Years later, I had to pawn it to buy food while he sat around and played video games and smoked pot. He acted like that was his contribution for the month.
     
  15. Blingalingaling
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    by Blingalingaling » Dec 28, 2018
    From the time I saw my friend's sister-in-law's stunning 2ct. marquise diamond when I was sixteen, I was smitten by the love of diamonds. I didn't care if I ever got a fur coat or a fancy car or even a big house. I wanted a beautiful diamond.
    I was in my twenties when I got seriously involved with the man who became my first husband. One night, he asked me to marry him-off the cuff. It wasn't a "proposal", per se', just a question. I said yes. It seemed so unplanned, but I chalked it up to his being a guy. He had just gotten his PHD from a prestigious school and had lots of student loans/debt.
    The next morning, he announced to me that he didn't have enough money to buy me an engagement ring and that "he hoped I didn't mind".
    Foolish girl, not to make him feel bad, I said it didn't matter. But I was seriously, deeply disappointed. I said to myself that someday, when he had the money, he would make it up to me.
    We were married 22 years and during that time he got his law degree, we paid off his school loans and had three kids. He always said he wanted a sailboat. I never got the ring-it never was a priority to him.
    I divorced him in 2006. He tripled his salary the minute the ink dried on the divorce agreement. He now has a 37 foot yacht and an apartment in NYC that overlooks the East River.
    I've remarried and my new husband's first priority was to buy me an engagement ring. Smart man.
     
    


    


  16. JPie
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    by JPie » Dec 28, 2018
    My husband planned a thoughtful proposal but the ring was hideous. He had a picture of the style I wanted, but the jeweler his sister recommended didn't have the skill to make it well. I had it reset before the wedding and it hurt his feelings for a while, but now I'm on my third (and final) setting and he is completely on board and agrees that the ring suits me better than the previous incarnations ever did.

    In your case, the thoughtless ring and proposal sound like just one of the reasons it didn't work out. When you do meet the right guy, you're going to be so relieved that you dodged a bullet and didn't marry your ex.
     
  17. lyra
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    by lyra » Dec 28, 2018
    I picked out my engagement ring, so no, I wasn't disappointed. That came many years later.
     
  18. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Dec 28, 2018
    LJsapphire, that is such a rude comment for your friend to make! It reminds me of a woman I knew that said she felt sorry for women with small engagement rings—ironically this woman was single and did not have an engagement ring at all. It was such a rude comment that I was kind of stunned and couldn’t even offer a response. All I could think was, ‘Who cares?”

    Blingaling, love that the new hubby prioritizes what’s important to you!:kiss2:
     
  19. LJsapphire
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    by LJsapphire » Dec 28, 2018
    @Indylady - she wasn't really a friend, but someone I knew from a car forum. We had friends in common but hadn't actually met. I think she was implying that my ex hadn't spent a lot. It wasn't a lot in the grand scheme of things but it was also more expensive than some rings. She was just being flashy/snobby.
     
  20. Blingalingaling
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    by Blingalingaling » Dec 28, 2018
    Thank you! I think it's important that both people get what is important to them in a relationship, not just one person's needs or wants over the other's. That's what makes for a healthy relationship! :)

    And, @kmoro, I don't think you were being a "materialistic jerk". I like what @MissGotRocks said about sensitivity to the situation being at the crux of the matter. You probably were very wise to pick up on that early on and save yourself a lot of heartache later! <3 :)
     
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  21. luv2sparkle
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    by luv2sparkle » Dec 28, 2018
    I didn't even get a proposal, just a 'when we get married' comment. I called him on it. We announced our 'engagement' before I got a ring which happened many months later. I was getting embarrassed that I didn't have a ring. Really, at the time, if he said I wasn't going to get one I probably wouldn't have cared. But he said I was going to get one. So I waited. In the meantime I watched him buying all kinds of expensive toys. I was embarrassed every time someone asked me where my ring was, then I got ticked. I finally told him either I got a ring or we were done. His mother thought I was a huge gold digging jerk. We went shopping and I picked out the cheapest one I could find just to be done with the thing. It was .25 carat and I hated it ($250. in 1980)
    Somehow at 20 years old, I knew it wasn't a character flaw and just a too young to realize thing and I married him anyway. We have been married 38+ years. There has been some educating involved.
    A couple years into our marriage I told him how much I hated the ring. At first he thought I was ungrateful, but after I explained how I felt about it all, he felt terrible. He couldn't get me to a jeweler fast enough. The next ring was .75 and I still have that one.

    Sometimes, its not the man's character but him just not understanding the significance of it all. Men value different things and don't always see things the same way we do. Only you can decide if it is a character flaw of not caring enough, or that he just doesn't get the importance of it.

    I don't think you are a materialistic jerk at all.
     
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  22. strawrose
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    by strawrose » Dec 28, 2018
    Ha! Are they now jealous of your jewelry collection? :rolleyes:

    Yes... it’s not about the actual ring, but the thought that goes into it. You are fine. I hope you find a partner who puts thought into your relationship.
     
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  23. LJsapphire
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    by LJsapphire » Dec 28, 2018
    Was that about the girl who criticised my little ring? I unfriended her shortly afterwards.
     
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  24. strawrose
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    by strawrose » Dec 28, 2018
    @LJsapphire good riddance. I’ve seen small diamonds on my Facebook but respond with “congratulations!” like a normal person. :lol-2:
     
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  25. Calliecake
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    by Calliecake » Dec 28, 2018
    I got married with a cubic zirconia so I’m probably not one who should be responding to this thread. I also didn’t get the great proposal from my husband. It was my choice to spend money as a down payment on our first home instead of on an engagement ring.

    By my mid-twenties I completely understood how important it was to marry a really good hearted kind person and that life can be hard and wonderful at the same time. Marrying your best friend, the person who understands you and you have a great love with is the most important thing. Healthy happy marriages have equal amounts of give and take from both partners.

    My husband is extremely supportive of what has mattered to me over the years and I have been the same with him. We are a wonderful team and helping and supporting each other has always been our priority.

    He has bought me a few diamond engagement rings over the past 27 years and has more than made up for the imperfect proposal. I’ve changed my mind on jewelry a few times throughout the years.

    Please know life isn’t about who or what looks perfect on Instagram or Facebook. If you are married for a long time, there will be bumps in the road once in a while. It’s all worth it if you marry the right person. No one ever knows what life will throw at them.

    Jewelry isn’t life or death.
     
  26. kmoro
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    by kmoro » Dec 30, 2018
    Haha ... when I showed the ring to the ex fiance’s daughter, she actually yelled “IT’S SO SMALL!!!” lol ...I could accept the small size ... but I never showed it to anyone voluntarily again. On a side note, the diamond had no certificate so I could not tell you any grading detail. It did have a very small visible black inclusion. My .75 that measured like a .5 from People’s many years ago was much worse with a large black inclusion right under the table.
    Maybe I’m not the type that men buy nice diamonds for .... based on results .... lol.
    Not sure if too many noticed, but I just bought my own ring and now I’m engaged to myself! And we couldn’t be happier! lol
     
  27. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Dec 31, 2018
    Lol, I buy my own too! It feels good. From me, to me.
     
  28. kayla17
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    by kayla17 » Dec 31, 2018
    I actually never got an engagement ring and bought myself my first diamond a few years after we got married. When I graduated from nursing school my husband reset that diamond into a new setting and I loved it.
    My husband is not a jewelry guy at all and when we got married, jewelry just wasn’t a priority. We had bills and I was pregnant. We got married with plain 14kt gold wedding bands and I was thrilled that we even bought those. So I guess I wasn’t really disappointed bc I really didn’t expect much or want much.
    Of course when our 10 year anniversary was coming along I did ask for a diamond ring, I then discovered Pricescope and the rest is history.
    If I had based my relationship off of what my husband had proposed with, which was nothing, I guess we wouldn’t be married right now or have four wonderful (although sometimes pain in the butt) kids.
    But 25 years later I can honestly say that I’m happy with the way things have turned out. Our lives are far from perfect but it’s perfect for us.
     
  29. msop04
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    by msop04 » Dec 31, 2018
    Thoughtful proposal, bad ring... okay.
    Lovely ring, bad proposal... okay as well.
    Bad and bad... that's bad. LOL

    I picked out my diamond and was in charge of having my setting custom made... so I was over the moon with that aspect. The "proposal'... not so much.

    Let me start by saying that I was 32 at the time, while by BF was only 26, and we'd been dating for over 2 years. My then-BF mentioned us taking a trip to the Gulf Coast all of a sudden. I knew the ring was finished and he'd had it in his possession for about a month at that point (although he wasn't aware that I knew), so I just assumed that he was planning to officially propose on the trip. Okay by me! I wanted to make it official, wear my ring (finally), start wedding planning, and get married already... tick-tock, ya know?! ;-) To make matters worse, his sister (who was 24) had gotten engaged just 3 weeks prior to a guy she'd been dating a little over a year. It was a not-so-surprise proposal, but romantic and complete with dressed-up photo shoot. *insert eye roll* He knew that whole thing bothered me, esp. since I knew he had my ring the whole time.

    We were only going to be gone for a long weekend (Friday morning - Sun evening), so you can imagine how irritated I was getting after we'd gone to a beautiful dinner on the water Saturday night - with sooooo many gorgeous spots for a proposal - yet still. no. proposal. I was getting pretty ticked off, to be honest.

    We walked up to our hotel room, and I'm pretty sure he knew I was upset. He asked me to give him a hug. I hugged him, but I was not feeling it. Emotionally exhausted, I wanted to go to bed. I was just so disappointed. The next thing I knew, he'd taken "the box" out and held it in front of me, as if if to hand it to me. I stared at him looking annoyed and confused for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for him to drop to a knee, open it, ANYTHING. I finally said, "...well?? Ask me."

    I guess he technically asked me to marry him, as he just held out the box and managed a weak, "well... will you?" I still get a little sad/embarrassed/annoyed when I think about it, but I also realize that I can't expect to have it all my way either. I didn't expect a Pinterest/IG-worthy proposal by any stretch of the imagination, but I felt like he could've said, "Will you marry me?" at the very least. That said, I got the guy and the ring I wanted... and 5.5 years and a little girl later, we're very happy. :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
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  30. Austina
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    by Austina » Jan 3, 2019
    I didn’t have an engagement ring, we were sitting in the car when DH announced that he was looking at houses because he wanted us to be together :lol:

    At the time, what he could’ve afforded, wasn’t something I wanted. We started out married life with our own house, fully furnished with everything new, which was more important than not having our own home, or hand me downs.

    Over the years, I have been given some lovely pieces of my own choosing, but last year, I said I wanted a proper ER for our 40th this year. DH doesn’t really get the bling thing, but said I could have whatever I wanted. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever own anything like Bella, but it was worth the wait.
     
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