Anyone else not interested in planning their wedding?

[Trekkie]

The title says it all. I'm just not motivated enough to start planning our wedding. I do want to marry my honey and I can't wait for the jewellery, but the actual wedding? Meh. Not interested.

We've thought about eloping, but he really wants his family there. His mother wants a 'proper' wedding with a minister and a reception. Me? Meh.

I don't know if it's because I've been married before and feel like I already had my 'dream wedding' or if it's just because I'm lazy.

I'm also loathe to spend all that money on a wedding. Yes, we can afford it, but to be perfectly honest, I'd far rather spend that money on a really nice holiday or a deposit on a piece of land or even a car we can use for offroading...

Because January 2012 seems so far away it just feeds my 'don't care' attitude. I mean, surely I have plenty of time to get excited?

Sigh. I'm rambling, I know. I just wanted to get this out.

I know I'm incredibly lucky to have a FI who loves me this much and even luckier still to have his family accept me the way they have... But I just don't feel it.

Does/Did anyone else feel this way? How did you manage to snap out of it? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[yssie]

Word for word, Trekkie.


I had a 2yr engagement, and I don't think I ever snapped out of it, really - my focus was always on the "married" part and planning the wedding itself was more stressful than anything else, but I promise you'll feel more excited about that wedding as it draws nearer. And after the wedding is over - no wedding blues, just happy relief!

There's nothing wrong with you, and apathy certainly doesn't equal laziness - even if you once felt differently about it all! I should think it's pretty common for second-time brides to be more able to resist losing themselves in the minutiae, with the benefits of hindsight... In any case, not every bride to be gets joy out of detailing the Big Day, or wants to spend loads on it even if she *can* afford it. I honestly think your priorities are in exactly the right place: enjoying the *now* with your fiance and not losing sight of the wood for the trees w/ wedding details.

Just take the planning in small doses - make a 'do by' calendar if you need the motivation, delegate!, and remember that you're not deficient if Bride-To-Be is not identity for the next several months as magazines/shops/bridal forums/TV would have you think

 

[Trekkie]

Thank you, Yssie! That really helped! I hope the excitement will grow closer to our big day!

 

[sirbenson]

When I read your post I thought that it could very well have been one of my own. We got engaged in March this year and want to get married in 2011 but we just don't feel pasionate enough about any of our ideas. We'd love to elope but because we'd want to have a few family members and friends be there when we exchange vows, that's not really an option. And also FH only gets three weeks vacation a year that we will spend backpacking somewhere so we don't want to dip into our three week honeymoon/backpacking vacation days fund just to go somewhere and elope. And if we "eloped" close to home we'd feel bad about not inviting ppl. We do have some ideas for what we want to do but they're just....ideas. We are just not the type to have a "dream wedding" in mind and just care more about getting married than the actual wedding. I wish I could say I'm getting excited as the day approaches but I don't even have a date yet. So what I'm actually getting is nevous that if we want to get married in 2011 we are running out of time to book something.

 

[chemgirl]

To be honnest I never really got in to planning the wedding. Its in almost two weeks and I'm far more excited about seeing people I haven't seen in a while than I am about carefull planning and organizing. FI and I were talking about it the other day and we are both way more excited about our train trip (we are geeks who love trains) after the wedding than the wedding itself. I don't think its really a bad thing.

The only bad part is the procrastinating. I still have to book a salon (probably too late...but I'm still not really bothered) and we have to pick out our music.

On a side note, we totally looked at the amount of money we thought we could reasonably put towards the wedding and decided to use the majority of it to buy a shiny new car. We cut out things like a DJ and open bar (just doing wine from the winery) and it really got the budget in to a reasonable range.

 

[trillionaire]

I wasn't. I don't think brides should be expected to feel a certain way about weddings. Please don't feel bad. I was excited about the marriage, but the wedding wasn't a big deal. We did elope, and loved it, but it can be difficullt on families, so I understand not wanting to explore that option. Just know that women are not one size fits all. You are entitled to feel exactly how you feel, and it has no bearing on your relationship or anything important. And if you change you mind and are thrilled tomorrow, that's okay too!

 

[agapitor]

It's been 10 years since I've been married but at the time I was never interested in planning my wedding. Fortunately, I came from a large family and was the first of the female cousins to get married so my aunts were more than happy to plan and organize everything. It was a win win situation. The only thing FI (at the time) and I were involved was the food tasting and buying the dress of course. But I had a wonderful and stress free wedding. My aunt on the other hand was a complete mess by the wedding

 

[Trekkie]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

I wish I had someone to help with the planning process. I have no relationship with my birthmother and my stepmom and gran have both abdicated responsibility, citing age. I guess I need a bridesmaid, but I'm not ready for the drama associated with choosing one.

I think I'll take a break now and start planning in the new year.

Thanks so much for the help, ladies!

 

[yssie]

Would you consider hiring a wedding planner? If it's not a budget issue, it might be worth the peace of mind, though maybe it's too early for that yet..

 

[manderz]

I am not at all interested in planning my wedding. I've spent the last 2 summers as MOH for 2 close friends, and I feel like I was responsible for a ton of the wedding planning for both of them, and it's kind of put me off planning a huge shindig for mine. I'd much rather elope, and I'm sure that the few people who would be upset about it would get over it quickly.

 

[Anonymous]

I've been engaged since March of 2010, our wedding is June 30, 2011. I'm JUST starting to get into it, however a *lot* of the planning is being done by my FMIL and I'm extremely happy with that arrangement. I have a few things I definitely want say on - my dress, specific pictures I want to make sure the photog captures, roles my 2 young girls will play in the wedding. Almost everything else I'm very "go with the flow-ish" about.

Pretty normal!

 

[kelpie]

I felt the same way. Get a really competent caterer and make them the bellybutton for your vendors. Tell them to make executive decisions as long as it doesn't affect cost. Or just elope!

 

[MagsyMay]

Would you consider hiring a wedding planner? If it's not a budget issue, it might be worth the peace of mind, though maybe it's too early for that yet..

Yes, if you have the $$, DO THIS. Or elope, although that too takes planning!

I hated wedding planning, honestly. Every. single. bit. I did the entire thing myself, seriously, 100%. My mom was tied up with taking care of my dying grandfather, we lived out of state (although within a 4 hr drive, but still a pain!) from where the wedding was, and I was working a 70+ hour/week job, MIL was useless, with the exception of making my life hell, and it got real old nagging my husband to death to do a simple task 20x before it got done... so that leaves me! We also moved back to wedding state 3 months before the wedding, so moving, finding new job, etc. took up so much of my time, I didn't have much leftover for wedding planning.

I am a perfectionist and extremely detail-oriented, but I just simply didn't have the time to care enough (or the money!) to make it "perfect" in my mind. So I guess my post is nothing other than a "you're not alone!" You've got lots of time to make up your mind on what you want and who you want to please, so enjoy it while it lasts!

 

[elrohwen]

I hated planning my wedding. The only reason I did it was because I wanted to throw a big party with all of my friends, because when else in my life would I be able to do that? That was 100% the reason we had a wedding - otherwise we would've eloped with our immediate family.

I had well over a year to plan, so I went in fits and starts. I would plan for a month, then not do anything for 3 or 4 months, then do another month of planning. In the end it worked out really well, because I would've gone crazy if I had to plan for 6 months straight or something. I loved having long stretches of time where I didn't even think about the wedding. I also didn't worry about the things I didn't care about - I didn't care about decorations, so I told the florist to do orange flowers. "What color orange?" I don't care, bright orange. Haha. I said I liked gerbera daisies, so he included some of those. He made some suggestions, I said yes, we were done and I let him do whatever he wanted. The centerpieces were tiny and had orange flowers and that's all I remember because I didn't really care. You really don't have to spend time worrying about the details that aren't important to you. Sure, some things, like calling vendors still takes time and is annoying, but I made it through and then took long breaks in between

 

[amc80]

Mememememe.

Not interested. Ironic, seeing how I love planning things. I create spreadsheets for vacations. Yeah, I'm that person.

But a wedding? Eh. Maybe if I had unlimited funds that had to be used on a wedding. Maybe then I would be interested. But the thought of having to decide between the green or red $3 napkins? Ick.

 

[HopeDream]

I'm with you!

wedding planning = not so much

Currently I have no budget to speak of, FI isn't terribly interested in the details. The wedding isn't until 2012 so I really haven't done a lot, or felt excited about it. It all seems so distant, expensive, and complicated!

I think we might just rent out a nice restaurant and have the ceremony as some sort of visual appetizer for our guests before we eat.

I want to connect with family and celebrate, but I don't need all the expensive little details like chaircovers and aisle runners.

ho hum

 

[lovemybling]

Have you considered eloping and then having a party with family and friend to celebrate after?? Planning a party may seemlike less of a hassle.

Try to remember it isn't about a wedding, it is about BEING married. Do what makes you happy, after all it is about YOU and FI not anyone else.

Good luck

 

[dawnabee]

Ahhhh Trekkie I am in the same boat! No worries... don't be upset your not thrilled to plan a wedding! I really would rather much spend my money on a loooooooooonnggggg vacation so we wanted to elope to. Friends and family quickly talked us out of it but I am still not thrilled to have all the stress of wedding planning! I got the dress, set the date and church so for another 6 months I am going on break from planning... those three things were stressful enough lol I believe the excitement will come when the time is more near and the excitement of wearing the beautiful gown I found. So take it in stride I say!!!

 

[IceExplorer]

What a taboo topic...I LOVE it!

My fiance and I have large families. We has 26 aunts/uncles plus their SOs. Not to mention dear family friends of the parents, that would bring things upwards of 40 adults. If you include the kids...well, that is about 350-400 people.

I know she wants her special day but I have NO interest in putting on a wedding that large. Thankfully, neither does she.

If I had my choice, we would do an intimate affair with VERY close friends and immediate family.

We compromised and decided on a budget, that won't put us in debt and to have destination wedding. This will allow us to exclude people with a good reason.

I don't really care to take part in the planning etc... Tell me where and when to be there, I can do that.

We hired a wedding co-ordinator. Who I thought would do all the leg work at the destination event spot. Apparently, that isn't the case.

Now we are stuck having to do a crap load of leg work, planning, organizing, minor details, calling suppliers etc...

I'm just not interested in doing it. But, I'm forced to grin and bare it.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm sure everyone has had those moments, and I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Our engagement was 14 months and some months we kept busy (looking at venues, shopping for a photographer, etc.), and other months we weren't busy at all. It all gets done, somehow. I was not the typical bride either. I could never picture my wedding day growing up, and I hate wedding magazines. It was hard to get interested in something that sounded so foreign to me at times. But like I said, it does get done, and it's great if you have family and/or friends who can help if you'd like them to. I didn't actually enlist any friends, but my mom was a great help to me.

As time goes on, you might find that there's one or two aspects of your wedding that you really care about, and those might be the things that you'll enjoy planning. Good luck!

ETA: I just read the part about your mom and step-mom. I'm sorry! You mentioned needing a bridesmaid. The best part about YOUR wedding is that YOU can do just about anything YOU'D like. You certainly don't need to have a bridal party. My sister was my MOH and a friend of my husband's was his best man, but we chose not to have anyone else. We're older than the typical bride and groom, and that stage of our lives where we felt that we should ask certain people had long passed us by. Thank goodness! Focus on what would make you happiest, and work toward that. If you decide you want a bridal party, great! If not, that's great too. There's no right way to plan a wedding.

 

[luckygirl333]

Here's how I got out of planning my wedding...

Thanksgiving: SIL says "You two should really have a winter wedding...get married at a ski lodge or something."
Next Day: Me to BF "I love Kathy's Idea. What do you think?" BF "Sounds great. We should do it."

Week later: I tell BF about available dates and venues. He says "But that's like 6 weeks away..." I say " We talked abot this last week. You were completely on board. I don't understand?!?". He says "I thought you meant NEXT winter."....

When you "plan" your wedding in 6 weeks, you don't worry about red vs green napkins for $2. You tell the people at the venue " Here's my budget, here are my colors, make it look great.". And they do.

You worry about the things that REALLY matter (to you) and you save yourself the stress of ever even thinking of the ones that don't.

 

[Trekkie]

Thank you so much for the great advice, every one!

It really is an incredibly relief to know that I am not alone.

I am slowly realising that it might be a good idea to let go of my usual control freak behaviour and just shell out the money on a wedding planner. It might cost a little now, but it will probably save my sanity!

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

OMG I feel the same way. I have NO desire to plan a wedding, I keep throwing out the idea of a Justice of the Peace wedding to my b/f (we aren't engaged yet) but he doesn't seem to be feeling it lol We won't have any financial support so the entire wedding/honeymoon will all be on us. I, further, have no desire to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a single day. I rather take a good solid $10K and have an AWESOME honeymoon....*sigh* We'll see how it all pans out........................

 

[Magenta]

I'm another one of these people.

We're getting married on Monday the 15th (2 days now!)

A few things we found worked:

* Do a small wedding. It makes everything easier (if you can)
* If you don't care sufficiently about something, don't do it. The people who would judge you for such things probably aren't the ones you want in your life anyway.
* Delegate into people's areas of expertise, if you can. If people like doing certain things, let them do it. We're having a garden wedding and dinner afterwards out on the deck, as my MOH parents' have the place, and enjoy entertaining.
* Have one bridesmaid. No problems with "do they match?"! Great sanity saver.
* You can still cater it relatively cheaply, if you change what you're catering. We're going spit roasts, salads, garlic bread / rolls. For the equivalent of peanuts.
* Do everything one bit at a time.

Just make sure you put money and thought into the stuff you'll keep forever (rings, and to some degree, photos), and make sure you find something you like.

Oh, and I can't seem to reply to some of the older threads, but for those wondering, my wedding ring fits brilliantly against the engagement ring! Yay!

Hope that helps a little!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hi Trekkie

Just a thought.. (and a little crazy one at that) if you don't want to plan it yourself and don't want to fork out for a wedding planner...

Would you consider letting FI's family take over the planning? If his mum wants the big formal wedding and you don't mind either way, she could plan the whole thing and you could just turn up on the day looking beautiful.

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Great advice Magenta! And CONGRATS!

 

[Magenta]

Thanks!

As it turned out, the wedding went really well (with everyone carefully under the deck, avoiding the rain!)

One thing I did forget to point out in the earlier post was the most important thing to remember:

* If things don't go to plan, take a deep breath, find a way around it, then let it go. Just enjoy the rest of the parts of the day, and ignore any bad bits as much as possible.

Edit: Oh, and don't feel bad for planning a cheap wedding, if that's the way you want to go. Cheap is not synonymous with boring! Borrowing things is being clever (and sustainable), not tight. I didn't hear any complaints from anyone about the reception, and the food was much better than one sometimes gets from restaurants.