Anti-Marriage Friends

[Blue824]

So, instead of sharing too many of my situation''s boring details (which I''d probably bore everyone with if I wasn''t so tired and thinking clearly enough to write the details

) I''ll keep this short and sweet.

How do you handle friends/family/people that are totally anti-marriage? and VERY vocal with their opinions, despite the fact that they know you''d love to be engaged and plan on marrying you''re SO?

Do any of you know people like that? I hope I"m not the only one! I''ve heard it before, but tonight someone was just really upsetting me with alll the negative comments. I wish people would realize that it is a personal choice and they can think of nicer ways of sharing their opinions on the subject.

 

[JulieN]

It's the same thing as being vehemently anti-gay.

 

[janinegirly]

i have the opposite problem: I have friends who are married or want to be married asap who drop smarmy comments (all with smiley faces of course, but delivered with a dagger) on why my bf is still dragging his feet. It''s been escalating lately, with friends asking the same questions despite me politely side stepping them. I have one friend who likes to repeatedly ask "any RING talk recently" or "i''m surprised you''re not more anxious". Meanwhile she is discussing marriage/kids with someone she just met 3 mo''s ago. It''s very frutrating and messes with my mind. There are others who drop comments/ask questions, but not as nastily. Anyway, it''s a challenge to keep positive, but what I do is avoid the smarmy people and don''t answer anyone specifically, b/c if it turns out I''m wrong, they''ll just be on my case even more! not much help, I know...
I guess just stick to your convictions, you don''t have to justify anything, and avoid nasty negative people, even if they masquerade as your friends.

 

[Julian]

I know, it can be very very irritating and deflating, too.

I try to remember that people are usually anti-marriage because:

1. Their parents had an unhappy marriage or
2. They have been really hurt in love

There are lots of people who just don''t have the marriage vibe, and that''s great too. Not saying everyone needs to get married. But chances are, if they are anti-marriage to the point where you feel hurt... it''s probably because they''ve been hurt either from seeing their parents'' marriage fail or their own experiences devastate them.

They may just not want to see you get hurt like they''ve been hurt... I try to think compassionately that way and it helps when people bash marriage. It''s only because something about marriage hurts them inside. It is a sensitive subject, after all!

Don''t let it dampen your dreams!

 

[Kit]

Just try to feel very grounded in the fact that you know better...that marriage or not to marry is a personal decision and real friends will support you in your choice. If they are making you uncomforable with their vocal opposition to your life choices, say so--if they don''t get it then you don''t need them in your life as they are not real friends, or friends worth having. How would they like it if you poo-pooed them for not getting married? Maybe if they put themselves in your shoes they''d see the error of their ways.

 

[Rosebud8506]

I have friends that are anti- marriage simply because they have the notion that once you are married, all the "fun" ends. Like married people don''t go out and be social, etc. Simply not the truth!!! I have a close nit group of friends and we are all married and we still have a great time at BBQ''s and parties.

 

[zhuzhu]

I have a close friend who is an independent career woman teaching literture in an university. She has the most negative opinions about marriage and she constantly attacks/belittles the idea of marriage useing her knowledge of "feminist legal theories" and "marriage as insitutionaized contract" from her studies. However, deep down, I know it is prob. because she is under tremondous amount of pressure from her family to get married but she has not had any luck in finding "Mr. Right". Using the "knowledge base" argument helps her justify for the feeling of inadequacy in fullfilling her parents'' expectation of her.

My point is, people who hold pro- or against- marriage views resulted from their own experiences, however as their experience changes they may also change the attitude. So don''t let others negativity give you unneccesary stress.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/23/2006 3:52:22 AM
Author: JulieN
It''s the same thing as being vehemently anti-gay.

Julie, you rock my socks. You are my new sock-rocking heroine.

Personally, I think people being snotty about their assumptions that marriage is ''wrong'' are just as wrong as the people who assume marriage is ''right''. As a society, we''ve got this idea that the man-woman thing is the ''right way'' and some people make judgements about people who don''t choose that path.

It''s a commonly respected theory among anthropological scholars that marriage evolved as a means for men to control the distribution of their assets once the agricultural period hit, and to control the reproduction of women. So please, before anyone points a finger at those who dislike and reject marriage as being ''bitter and wrong'' remember that it isn''t for everyone and there are valid reasons beyond just ''having a bad experience'' or ''not finding Mr. Right''.

Also, I think it a matter of decency to not try to rain on other people''s parade, regardless of what their parade is being held for. So there is no excuse for either the people who mock you for being engaged, or the ones who mock you for not being engaged.

 

[anchor31]

I am surrounded by people like this. I live in an area where most couples just live together. According to our laws, couples living together do aquire the "married" status, so no medical and legal decisions problems - and no divorce. So, most people tell me we''re completely insane to be getting married, especially "so young" (23 and 26).

How do I deal with it? I just shrug it off and say it''s right according to our values. My FI and I are religious (which most people here aren''t), and a religious marriage is important to us, not just the legal ceremony. To us, getting married is the first step and basis of founding a family, and it''s very important to us.

I never argue, even if they start criticitizing or trying to convince me it''s "wrong". I simply say that they have the right to their own convictions, as we do ours. As long as both members of the couple want the same thing, it''s the only thing that matters.

 

[kcoursolle]

Ha....my ex-bf used to be one of these people...and he got married before I did LOL. I am in a very liberal profession where many people do not have children and do not get married. It constantly comes up that I am a "traditional woman" because I am getting married and will eventually have children. I really do not feel that just because I am getting married and having children that I am "traditional," but I don't let them define who I am.

I would hold your ground if they say things to you. I would say something to the effect that choosing to get married is a personal decision that was right for you even though it might not be the right decision for everyone. Eventually they will get bored of saying things...