Announcement and Invitations

[basil]

I''m making up for lost time with my posting spree tonight.

Anyway, how many of you are doing the traditional announcement as you enter the reception? You know, the whole "Please welcome, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. John Smith". Especially for those who will not be changing their name, how are you handling it?

My fiance and I are both doctors, and I will not be changing my name, but an announcement of "welcome Dr. John Smith and Dr. Jane Doe" sounds an awful lot more like work than a party, to me.

There is a similar situation on the invitations - the etiquette books say that the female''s title should not be mentioned.

I''m not attached to my title at all, and would honestly prefer not to use it (I get called Dr. Doe enough on a daily basis that I don''t particularly care for it to be used in my personal life). But I''ve heard that certain relatives would be upset if I did not use it - the reason being that they are proud of me and don''t want me to downplay my accomplishments. The other alternative would be an invitation with first names only, but this seems like it would be more casual than I had envisioned.

Anyway, that was long-winded enough for one night. Any advice?

 

[Independent Gal]

WHAAAA????! That whole ''the female''s title should not be mentioned thing?'' ??!?!?? That is the biggest pile of p@@. Etiquette shmetiquette in that case! What, when he''s around, the fact that you''re a doctor too means nothing? If it were me, it''s either both titles or neither.

Come to think of it, it IS me. We''re both doctors too (of the Ph.D. variety), as are his dad, my mom, my dad, and my step-dad who also has a long and extremely hoity toity title, and I hadn''t even begun to think about THAT potential craziness on the invitations. I think we''ll just leave it all off.

 

[Independent Gal]

In terms of announcements, how about "And now the newly married couple! Dr. Jane Doe and Dr. John Dunn!" or something like that.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This post put me on a quest for my Emily Post book. I am positive that the woman''s title should not be dropped off. If you''re both Dr.''s then the title might be "Doctors Jane and John Doe", but it would never be "Dr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe."

I dropped titles on my invitations, but if I were being announced (and am also keeping my maiden name) then I would have them announce "Dr. Hisfirst his last and Dr. Myfirst Mylast". I see nothing wrong with that!

 

[basil]

Well, it goes along with the traditional invitation wording:

Mr. and Mrs. David Michael Doe
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Jane Mary
to
Mr. John Henry Smith
blah blah blah

The point in that particular book was that the female''s title (i.e. Miss, Doctor, whatever) is not normally mentioned, so therefore doesn''t need to be mentioned. If we were to go with everyone''s title, we''d get an unwieldy:

Dr. David Michael Doe and Mrs. Sarah Rose Jones
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Dr. Jane Mary Doe
to
Dr. John Henry Smith
etc. etc.

Technically, you''re supposed to spell out "doctor" too, which makes it way too long! Plus, I think it''s a little self-aggrandizing to mention 3-4 doctors on the invitation. If it were up to me, I think I''d just make everyone Mr. and Mrs. and forget about titles. But that''s not ''correct'' either...plus I don''t think my family would go for it

Also, I think I''d kind of like to be "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" for a night and announced that way, even though I''m not changing my name. My mom and others have expressed displeasure with this. What do you think?

 

[Independent Gal]

Why not? It will be the first and last time to be announced that way and might be fun for the experience. Just make sure people know you're keeping your name in case it causes confusion.

I think we'll probably end up leaving off even the Mr.'s and Mrs.'s along with the Dr.'s and other Fancypants's. Why not just use names? It's probably not correct form but I don't think we're inviting anyone who truly cares. For that matter, I bet we don't even know anyone who would care. I guess we're just not very classy!

Another good reason to leave them off is that it occurs to me that FI's mom would be the only one on the whole invite without a fancy title so that might be like "We're all doctors, except for Mrs. Lame over here."

Nope. It's decided. No titles. Of any kind. It's not like ANY OF US (except FI's dad who lives in a title obsessed country) EVER use them anyway outside the occasional professionally necessary context.

 

[cara]

Sorry New England Lady, the Emily Post reply is that "Mrs." is a married woman's social title, even if "Doctor" is her professional title. So the married doctors Jane and John Doe would be properly addressed as "Doctor and Mrs. John Doe."

"Mrs." is also properly used with a man's name, as it means "Mistress of," so "Mrs. Jane Doe" is a modern misnomer as well.

A man gets "Doctor" as both a professional and a social title, if he is a medical doctor.

It also used to be that men with doctorates but not medical degrees only used "Doctor" as a professional title and not as a social title. They were Messrs. socially. However, there is some creep in some circles to using "Doctor" as a social title for people with PhDs. I used "Doctor" for the PhD-holders I invited, and there were a lot!

However, in this case, and the married woman doctor is keeping her last name, or rather not taking her husband's last name, "Mrs." is simply incorrect, so you might as well use Doctor!

Oh, and I do carefully listen to the bride and groom being announced so I can tell if the woman is changing her name and know how to address her next time I see her. So I agree with your Mom, don't use Mrs. HisLast even for the night if you aren't changing your name.

I vote fully for women medical doctors using "Doctor" as their social title as well.

Its funny how I have these two sides that keep pulling on me in this addressing/naming boondoggle that society has cooked up for women. I want to use proper etiquette, but I want the etiquette to be more egalitarian. I want to keep my own last name, but I want my husband and I and our kids to have the same name. I don't want to hyphenate or change my name or have my title show my marital status, yet I'm a little sad not to be "Mrs. Hislast" all the same.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oddly, while I get excited about the idea of being Fi''s wife, and even being introduced that way as in ''This is my wife, Indy Gal'', the idea of EVER being called Mrs. FI''sLastName is really upsetting to me. It''s not ideological and it''s not something that I think I ''should'' be upset about, but I just WOULD be upset about it. It wouldn''t even give me a smidgen of pleasure. I''m sure it''s bound up with being, well, Indy Gal. Most of my marrigae jitters have had to do with being worried to lose my sense of self, and for me, personally, my name is so bound up with my sense of self, my culture, my family history, that the idea of being called ''Mrs. FI''sLastName'' never mind ''Mrs. FI''sFirstName Lastname'' makes me feel like I''m being smothered, subsumed.

I would really hate it!

Nope, it''s not for me! Thank heavens we live in a time when each of us can choose for ourselves and do what feels right for us. PHEW!

 

[basil]

Thanks for the etiquette help, Cara. Before I got into this wedding stuff, I never knew that Mrs. was incorrect if you were keeping your name. I've seen a lot of married women use it, though.

It's funny, I always thought that Mrs. HisFirst HisLast sounded so subservient. The implication and intent being, that you are an extension of him and not fully your own person. I grew up knowing I'd never change my name. My mom didn't change hers and I always thought it was cool and felt proud of her. After 30-some years, her skin would still prickle at the thought of being Mrs. Dadfirstname Dadlastname.

The closer I get to marriage, the more my views become more traditional. There are many reasons for not changing my name, professionally, culturally, and idealistically. But I really think I could get used to being referred to as Mrs. Hislastname in social situations. But I couldn't be Dr. Hislastname at work. Maybe that's weird or contrary, but I kind of like the idea of separation of work and personal life. The best I can explain it is that I've established my own identity professionally which won't change. But socially, I'm arguably taking on a new identity as part of a couple.

As for being Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast one time...I dunno why I like that idea, since I dislike the premise and concept behind it. I guess just cause of the tradition. Or maybe because it sounds better, or more weddingy.

Or maybe because "Doctor Hisfirstname Hislastname and Doctor Myfirstname Mylastname" still sounds like the introduction to a grand rounds powerpoint presentation or something.

ETA: Part of this also stems from the fact that I think fiance would like it.

 

[cara]

My answer changes if you plan to use "Mrs. Hislast" socially - as long as you will continue answering to it, go ahead and announce yourselves that way! There are women that keep their name professionally and go by Mrs. Hisname socially, its just that sometimes it becomes a mess.

Or, you could do what we are doing: just use first names when you announced. It doesn''t sound as wedding-y, but that''s the whole point. You are not announcing the new name of one half of the couple.

Yeah, I totally am having these traditional impulses associated with getting married. And it drug out all these traditional impulses in my otherwise quite liberal FI, who was a little sad I am not taking his name...

 

[MMM]

I have a lot of mixed feelings about changing my name also... but it really has a lot to do with the name he has!! As petty as that may sound he frankly has a horrible last name!! (lets just say you can find the name in a biology book under the chapter of female genitalia!! eeeeeek!)

I''ve thought about keeping my name, but when we eventually have kids I would like to be "The XXX Family." My mother doesn''t have my last name, and I never liked it much. When she signed things for school she always had to put "Marissa''s Mom" underneath. I just didn''t like that.

So then I was thinking, I can keep my name (which goes wonderfully with my first name by the way!) until we have children, which could be 10 years away! But, I think that people figure out if you are changing your name or not at the time of the wedding, make a mental note of it, and never look back. I dont think it would work to change it down the line. : (

So, I think (as of right now) I will in fact take my wonderful fiance''s dreadful last name, but will never, ever, ever use it professionally!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m keeping my name professionally, but taking his name socially.

I was wondering what to do about doctors where they are married to each other. Here it''s even more complicated because if you are a consultant you revert to being ''Mr''.

So my uncle and aunt who are a consultant and doctor respectively end up being Mr and Mrs which seems a bit mean!

I don''t know what it''s like in the US, but here if you are ''Mrs Jane Doe'' it means that you are divorced. Married women are ''Mrs John Doe''.

I have a real hatred of ''Ms'' instead of ''Miss'' or ''Mrs'', so I often use Jane Doe and John Doe Esq on place cards, invitations etc so I avoid the problem altogether. Then I can add the Dr in front of the woman''s name, but it is not used in front of a male Dr as Esq is never used in conjunction with another title.

Here it''s actually quite emancipated - if your husband is a Lord or a Knight (Sir), the wife is styled as Lady husbandslastname. If she is the Baroness (female equivalent of Lord), then her husband remains plain old Mr.