And what if I don't want to change my name?

[PintoBean]

Fi and I have talked about whether or not to change my last name. Once we are married, I will be proud to be addressed as Mrs. "Fi's last name". However, I have opted to NOT change it legally. I am surprised that when my co-workers are apprised of this, most being in their 40s, they are absolutely aghast by this.

Not that you may hold my rationale as holding the same amount of weight that I do, some of my main reasons are:
1) having a first name that is not anglicized has been a pain - record-wise. Now that most computer systems can handle hyphens (except for the DMV), I have FINALLY sync'd up the majority of my important records - banking/credit cards, medical records, social security, etc. It peeves me that there are so many "versions" of my name possibly floating around in the stratosphere. don't forget those damn student loans!

2) I've worked in the public sector for a number of years. I'm biased in a bad way, and am extremely paranoid that if there IS a way to screw up my name change, it WILL happen! (self-fulfilling prophecy, right?). I also often flash back to being in my younger 20s, working in a retail store that required credit users to produce a second form of ID, and this woman going - yeah, I changed my name at the DMV - they screwed it up, which screwed up other stuff...

3) Most importantly - my last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet than Fi's

Upon hearing from his sister how her friends in a committed same-sex relationship took each other's last name, I proposed this to Fi, and he thought it would be weird for him to take his wife's last name. (but it's shorter and earlier in the alphabet! )

Anyways, I am looking forward to being addressed as Mrs. "Fi's last name" after being married. Isn't that more important at the end of the day than what I have recorded with Uncle Sam?

I'd love to hear your opinions, and what you opted to do!

 

[rosetta]

I didnt change my last name. No reason other than I didn't want to.

The fact that it cut out the hassle and made life much simpler was just a bonus.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Theres no right or wrong here. Do what you you want.

 

[gem_anemone]

If you don't want to, then don't! It's a pain in the @ss...I'm going through it right now, so I can tell you first hand. If I respected or liked my dad (where I get my maiden name from) or wanted to keep my name for professional reasons, I would keep it. Since neither of those apply to me I changed it. Plus I like the idea of our family unit having the same last name. Since you antipate issues with your first name as well, then that's even more reason not to do it!

 

[missy]

Yes, I agree with your thoughts. My dh didn't need or want me to change my last name so I didn't. I am still addressed as Mrs. his last name re social invites etc but professionally am addressed by my last name. Legally I use my last name and it has been easy peasy. All my documents have remained unchanged and that works for us. Ofc, you might feel differently when/if you have kids. My sister hasn't legally (I thought she did but she didn't) changed her last name but her children use her dh's last name. She isn't bothered by it- it all depends on how you feel re the kid issue. I agree with Rosetta-there is no right or wrong IMO. It's just what fits in to your lifestyle and works best for you.

It annoys me that so many of your coworkers are so judgmental but just for that reason I wouldn't put much stock in what they say. Who cares what narrow minded judgmental people think?

 

[Phdecorate]

I agree! Do what you want. It doesn't sound like your FI cares one way or the other, so don't worry about others. I was married before and I changed my name. I wasn't opposed to the idea of changing, but honestly, I just liked my maiden name better. I kept it as my middle name. Then I had to change everything back but my old married name is still lingering out there on some stuff, even my work email address, which drives me crazy. Then I had a problem because even the IRS kept my maiden intial as my middle initial after I switched it back, which is not right. I have tried to change it a few times but figured, whatever! Now that I am getting married again, I am going to do the name change one more time and put my maiden back to my middle. Socially, I will be Mrs. Married but on paper I will always be Blank Maiden Married. I may even say it that way for work. And regardless of what my name has been or will be, i don't change my signature. Hey, they can't MAKE you, rigth? FWIW, I also like my maiden name better than what will be my new name but I like the idea of having the same name, so....

My first name is quite uncommon too, which is kinda why I think it flows better with my maiden name and i get what you are saying so ultimately I think you need to go with what you want!!!

 

[blacksand]

I'm surprised anybody would make a big deal of this in this day and age...lots of women don't change their names! When I worked as a teacher, I dealt every day with mothers who did not have the same last name as their kids. And it was totally not a big deal. Not wanting to have children with a different last name is usually the number one cited reason for women to change their names...but it's really not a big deal. As a teacher, I learned to ask people's names and not assume anything, and that was that. It's pretty obvious who a kid's mother is, usually, regardless of her name. No big deal at all. It's really not confusing, it's not upsetting to the children, it's not an issue at all. In your case, especially, if you'll be using your husband's name socially, it's even less of a big deal. I mean really. Why would anyone object to this? It's your name, do what you want with it!

I do plan to change my name (for various reasons), but I'm not especially looking forward to the process. I think you might have the right idea here!

 

[bunnycat]

Don't do it if you don't want to.

I did once and it was a bear to get it all back to the original and I won't ever go through that again. I wouldn't ever ask that of someone if the custom were reversed and I have too much legal and business info tied up in my name as it is right now and don't plan on changing that. I'm 40 something, not 20 something and so I am mainly speaking from a practicality standpoint.

You are still supposed to file with Social Security (they told us what to do, but I have forgotten and will have to look it up but i think you are supposed to file the certificate) but you don't have to change your name if you don't want to.

I'd say if you plan on having kids, then maybe rethink it, but if you aren't then just do what y'all can both agree on.

 

[Gypsy]

Sweetie, there are a lot of threads about this, if you need support. Many MANY MANY women chose not to change their names. I did. And when I was worried about it the PSers (and their older posts) helped me feel confident about my choice. ((HUGS))

 

[PintoBean]

Rosetta, Gem_Anemone, Missy, Phdecorate, blacksand, bastetcat and Gypsy,

Thank you so much for posting and giving me your insights and experiences. It really meant a lot seeing your wonderful posts roll in.

I will definitely check out the other threads!

 

[4ever]

Eh, don't mind your colleges, do whatever you like.

I did decide to change because a) DH wanted me to and it means more to him then me b) My maden name was unusual and hard for people to spell or pronounce c) when we pro-create I would like us all to have the same surname.

I have changed all the important stuff except my passport, so it's just little things to go which I will just update as they crop up.

 

[junebug17]

Just another vote in support of you doing whatever you'd like! I actually think it's a good idea - I too am surprised that anyone would be clutching their pearls over something like this in this day and age - and why do these people care anyway? Sorry, just a slight vent about judgmental busy bodies! Just do whatever is right for you and ignore the peanut gallery!

 

[distracts]

I'm not changing my name. I have all sorts of reasons for this, but what it really comes down to is this: My fiance has a stupid last name. I don't want it. There are last names I might change mine to, despite not thinking it's fair that only the woman has to change her name, but his is not one of them. That hurts his feels though so I just have to say it's because I like my name.

I have talked with him about hyphenating both of our names or changing both of our last names to a different name, but he's against any change to his name. So probably our children will end up with hyphenated names. I would prefer it if they just had my name because his is stupid, but whatever.

Also when dealing with some paperwork of his the other day, I accidentally kept calling him Fiance MyLastName. He was really confused. Ooops. I guess subconsciously I think that since he's marrying me, he's going to have my last name.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm not changing my name. I have all sorts of reasons for this, but what it really comes down to is this: My fiance has a stupid last name. I don't want it. There are last names I might change mine to, despite not thinking it's fair that only the woman has to change her name, but his is not one of them. That hurts his feels though so I just have to say it's because I like my name.

I have talked with him about hyphenating both of our names or changing both of our last names to a different name, but he's against any change to his name. So probably our children will end up with hyphenated names. I would prefer it if they just had my name because his is stupid, but whatever.

Also when dealing with some paperwork of his the other day, I accidentally kept calling him Fiance MyLastName. He was really confused. Ooops. I guess subconsciously I think that since he's marrying me, he's going to have my last name.

You're too cute!
You know, my Fi's last name is tri-syllabic, and can be broken into 2 words - verb + adverb, if you annunciate it a certain way. Soo... if I annunciate funny, it can sound like a statement, i.e., "PintoBean verb adverb." hahahahaha...

hee hee hee... speaking of "interesting" names...Meet the Fockers was on last night... "Gaylord Focker + Pamela Martha Focker"

 

[jstarfireb]

The only reason you need to have for not changing your name is "I don't want to." Period.

That said, I had that and many other reasons for not wanting to change my name, but my husband was just as adamant that I take his name as I was that I keep mine. So I hyphenated. It created a monstrosity of a name, but it was the best compromise we could come to.

 

[blacksand]

I'm not changing my name. I have all sorts of reasons for this, but what it really comes down to is this: My fiance has a stupid last name. I don't want it.

Ahaha, I love it. Couldn't agree more. I do plan on taking FI's last name, and I really like it! But I remember years back, when I was dating my Persian ex-boyfriend, whose name a) was completely unpronounceable to most English speakers and b) sounded like a dirty word IN PERSIAN, so was constantly mocked even by speakers of his own language. We contemplated marriage at one point, although we were never engaged. I remember telling him "listen, I would love to marry you, but there is no effing way I am taking your name." Hahaha. I'm so glad FI and I ended up together!

 

[Maria D]

As a school teacher, I can tell you that it doesn't really matter (from my end) if kids have the same last name as their parents. There are so many variations I don't bother with assumptions any more. A student could have the same last name as both parents but the parents are divorced or all 3 have different last names and the parents are together.

I don't think there's really any practical reason for a woman to take her husband's last name these days. If you (and hour husband) like the tradition -- and you feel that your first name sounds better with his last name -- fine, go for it. If not, it's probably more trouble to change than it's worth.

 

[wordie89]

Wow. Didn't think this was an issue any more. I kept my name (all my degrees were ear Rhodochrosite ned with it), am married to my oao who was in a rather conservative branch of the armed forces, had three sons, teach and it is fine. Son a have dads surname, I always used his name specially and although people thought it was a little odd 3I years ago not so much now. Funny thing is my family thought it was weird. Part of reasoning was that his name is more complex...I thought it would be easier to spell my 3 letter name. Nope, I still end up spelling it! Do what is right for you and your fi. Others will adapt. Best wishes on your future!