An Introduction...and a dilemma

[FarFarAway]

Hi Ladies

I just found out about PS about a month ago, and now only found the LIW two days ago! I just wanted to introduce myself and to share my story.

Im Laura, known as Lulu to most. 24, grad student. Im in a LDR from Rochester (NY) to San Diego. We are both students, in programs that can''t be transferred, so we are looking at least 3 years apart for now.

My problem is that we are constantly in this wishy-washy place of "we''re engaged" and "we''re not quite". We''ve talked about it a million times, and he''s asked me *jokingly* every other week. But we both kind of agree (more so me) that we aren''t really engaged until we tell parents (who won''t be pleased, so Im tentative about that) or other people. And neither of us are comfy telling other people until its official...vicious little circle.

I can''t tell what is going on, or where we want this to go. He gets mad that I keep telling him his *joking* engagements aren''t serious, but then he''ll agree after a while. Then he said that he wants to get me a ring, which is important to me, but not that important. He has no money and Id rather wait and get one when we do. But he thinks that''s why i won''t accept his *joking* proposals. (Hes joking because he follows each of them up with "And we can run away together to Hawaii and live out our lives in paradise)

I know that his parents and my parents won''t be happy at all about all this. And I would rather my engagement be a happy occasion than a sad one. And Id rather him take more of an initiative on the whole thing. And to end it all, i don''t know why im so focused on getting engaged even if we won''t be together for a while.

I dunno, i just needed to get that out...

Am I going nuts?? Lol

 

[poptart]

Every time he talk about getting married or engaged you put emphasis on the "joke" part. And later you said you wanted him to take initiative. Maybe he is confused as to what you really want. Why don''t you sit down with him and make a decision together about when you want to get engaged? Three years is a long time to be apart, so I would start setting down the ground work now if I were you. Best of luck!

Marisa

 

[KimberlyH]

Nope, not nuts, just dealing with some of the issues that come along with LDR and relationships in general. Most women long to get married, so it''s not unusual that you''re thinking in terms of engagement and marriage, those things just don''t seem to fit your relationship at the moment. If there is no possible way that the 3 year time frame is going to change than you need to examine what it is that you want out of this relationship and determine what the best plan is for you as a couple, it will feel much more secure than the wishy-washiness that seems to exist in your relationship now. As for engagement, 3 years is a long time, so I think if I were in your shoes I would put it on the backburner for now. Easier said than done.

Why are both your parents so opposed? How long have you been together?

 

[FarFarAway]

I think our parents just would think we were too young (Im 24, he''s 25) and that we''d give up on our careers (which is ridiculous) Both sides love us together, just not so permanently.

I dunno...i just feel like marriage is so right for us right now. I can''t give you a reason, i just...want it like nothing else.

*sigh*

 

[KimberlyH]

So have the two of you discussed alternative solutions? I don''t think a long engagement is a bad thing, and if your parents are concerned about your careers sharing your commitment to both that and your relationship would be wise. If they''re not footing the bill for school I would say they shouldn''t be involved in the decision, I feel differently if they are.

And by the way, you feel this way because you think he''s the bee''s knees and want to commit to him, there''s nothing wrong with that! You just have a bit of a distance road block in the way. It''s still workable if you commit to communicating with one another and working things out as a team.

 

[FarFarAway]

the whole joking thing is, i guess, because we are so far apart, and the fact that he hasn''t taken an itiative to talk about it (i always bring it up) or talk about other ways to talk to parents/friends...makes it feel like we are just faking it. Like, kids playing make-believe, you know??

 

[poptart]

Is there any way the two of you could set up a time to meet face to face? I think that this would be very helpful to figuring things out. Sometimes it''s hard to work out such personal things over the phone. Either way, I think you two need to start discussing this engagement issue since it means so much to you. The more you leave it, the harder it will be to bring up later. As you probably already know, long distance relationships require extra work and communication, so maybe you should tell him your worries, fears, and hopes concerning the two of you.

Marisa

 

[anchor31]

My FI were long distance for a time so I can sympathise.

About the engagement issue: I would suggest you both laid down what an engagement is for you. What's required, what's not, what makes it "official" for both of you, etc. A long engagement is something that can be done (my FI and I will be engaged for 26 months), but it is frustrating at times.

About your parents: I was concerned about my parents' reactions as well, as I'm 21 and still in school. But they're thrilled and they even wish the wedding was in a year, not two! So, you never know.

Welcome to PS, and good luck!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I see nothing too young about 24 and 25 too be engaged or married for that matter. I guess the bigger question is, can the relationship make it 3 years LD? Sometimes one person does have to make sacrifices for a relationship, and that can mean changing some plans. But as someone else said, unless the parents are giving full financial support for the grad school, then I don''t see why they should have any negativity toward an engagement.

 

[ladykemma]

sounds perfect for a promise ring and an "understanding"

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi FarFarAway~
You said that marriage is right for you right now. Do you mean you want to be married while still living on opposite ends of the country?

I''m also 24. My FF and I have been LD since he received a great job offer in March...although we''re IL to NJ so not quite as far...but still need an airplane to get there in a reasonable amount of time. Anyway, I feel your pain in wanting to get married. For us, we look at it as we know it''s coming but it just doesn''t make sense right now. He also jokes about it with me (i.e. running to Atlantic City one weekend) but we both know it''s the real deal. It can get frustrating though...sometimes I think "Ok sweetie let me know when you mean that for real." It''s just that getting engaged or eloping one weekend wouldn''t change anything in our relationship...he''d still have to put me on a plane back to Chicago or I''d have to send him off back east. For now, we''re doing the LD thing for probably one more year so when I finish my Master''s he''ll have a better idea if he can find a great job out here or if I should start looking out there. As for the parents, I''m sure I''ll run into that issue with minen also. I''m right where I want to be here, so one of us may have to sacrifice. I can teach anywhere, but if I were the one that needed to move my parents would be worried about my throwing away the perfect career. They''ve brought it up already. My attitude is, we''ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Granted, 3 years is a much longer period of time, but I guess I was just wondering what you really want right now. Do you want a long engagement? Do you just want him to stop joking about Hawaii? Do you really want to get married right away? Good luck and let us know how we can help, but of course all of these issues need to be sorted out with your future hubby.

 

[Olive Oil]

Hi FFA. I can understand you wanting some sort of commitment, even though you are long distance. I don''t really consider myself a LIW yet, but my situation has some parallels to yours. I am a grad student, and my boyfriend is moving thousands of miles for his dream post-doc offer. I still have at least two years left before I get my PhD, so I''m not going with him. We are going to be long distance for most of that time, but we plan to stay together and eventually, either I will move to be with him, or we will move somewhere else new together. It seems like a long time to be engaged, but since I am making career decisions based on what will get me out of school the fastest, I want to have some guarantee that I am making decisions which will have longer term effects on my career for a reason. I am limiting the amount of field work (which I love) and increasing lab work (which I hate) to get done faster. While this won''t completely preclude me from jobs I enjoy later on, it is going to make the next few years of my life pretty miserable.

We will have been dating for three years this month, which I think is plenty of time for him to know whether I''m the person he wants to spend his life with. I haven''t brought this up to him yet, as he''s been pretty stressed lining up the details of his position, but after that settles, I think I will let him know how I feel about things. I don''t think I want to put an ultimatum on him or anything like that, but I think that if he is not into the idea, then he can''t be too sure about our future together. If that''s the case, I''m going to have to do some soul searching to see if it is worth it to me to wait. I will be nearly 30 by the time I get done with school, and I would like to be married a few years before I have kids, so if I wait and it doesn''t work out, I''ve put myself in a time crunch with my biological clock.

I''m not sure if this is an issue with you or not, but if you are making decisions based on him, I think it is time for a serious talk. Maybe you guys could put a ring on lay-a-way, since you are short on cash. Then the wheels could start turning now, even if you aren''t planning on getting engaged for another year or two.

ETA: Excuse me if this is a little incoherent. It''s late and I''m feeling a little loopy!

 

[FarFarAway]

Hi ladies

Wow, thank you so much! I really was beginning to think that I was the only one in my situation and was either just being pathetic, or losing my mind.

IrishRock, that''s EXACTLY what I mean..."Ok, just tell me when this is for real now" I feel bad saying it, but i just want it to be FOR REAL.

I dunno...ive talked to him again, and he got upset at the fact that I wasn''t taking what he''s saying seriously. But how serious can i take it when all he''s doing is saying "Lets just elope and run away" ??

I am willing to do a long engagement. I just want some sort of definite "Getting Married" sign, like telling the parents...a ring...a rubber band on my finger??

How do I even bring this up again without him getting upset?
anyway..thanks ladies. Pass me other ideas if you got them.

 

[anchor31]

Does he mean that he''s actually not joking? That''d be important to know... It might help him to know what makes it "real" for you... Bended knee, ring, whatever.