Am I wasting my time?!

[Confusedgirl33]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 months. After 3 months, he said we should move in together, then backed out three weeks later. We worked through it, but I still get uncomfortable whenever it's brought up. He said "what if it takes me two years to be ready?" Also, for the past 2 months, he had been making jokes about kids and marriage, but when I confronted him about it, he said that it was intimidating and he doesn't want that. He hasn't even thought about a future with me. I'm starting to think that I may be wasting my time but I love him so much and see a future with him for myself. What do I do?!

 

[partgypsy]

Sounds like he's not ready to settle down, and not sure when he will be. Now it's up to you to decide whether you are OK with that or not.

 

[ElleK]

How old are the two of you?

 

[Rhea]

7 months is pretty quickly for some people to get to know each other and decide if that's who they want to build a future with. Sure, for some couples it's love at first sight, marriage at 3 months and kids at a 1 year, but that's not the path a lot of couples take. If you're ready now, you're ready now and if he's not it may be time to move on. But don't rush it just because he's not ready for a major commitment 7 months in.

 

[msop04]

7 months is pretty quickly for some people to get to know each other and decide if that's who they want to build a future with. Sure, for some couples it's love at first sight, marriage at 3 months and kids at a 1 year, but that's not the path a lot of couples take. If you're ready now, you're ready now and if he's not it may be time to move on. But don't rush it just because he's not ready for a major commitment 7 months in.

I agree with Rhea... If I'd even mentioned marriage after 7 months with my now-DH, I'm afraid he would've run far, far away. Guys (and girls, for that matter) get anxiety over expectations of serious commitment. We weren't young either -- I was 31 when we met (he was 26) -- but I knew I needed to just let him have fun with me for a while before bringing the M word up. We met in November of 2009, engaged in July of 2012, and married in March of 2013... Give your guy time. You can never make him feel a way he doesn't want to feel, and only YOU can know when it's time to move on. Best of luck, OP.

 

[telephone89]

I think you should maybe chat with him. Why is he making these jokes if he's not ready? It's inconsiderate of your feelings I would think. It's totally understandable that he wouldn't be ready after 7 months, but he shouldn't be bringing it up if that's the case. Depending on how old/serious you are, I would probably sit him down and say something like 'I know this is an awkward conversation, but I'd like to get married in the next X years, and I'd like to know if you're on the same page.' I think women never want to have these conversations because it looks like you're forcing them into something they're not ready for - but its not. Its just getting them to take a realistic look at their life. Where it is now, where they want it to go. Hearing him say 'Yes, I do want to get married, but maybe in X+2 years' (or something) might put your mind at ease. Maybe give him some time and space to think about it, not ambushing him and expecting an on the spot answer.

Think of it like a career goal. Men get asked all the time 'where do you see yourself in 5 years?'. You can even use that phrasing if you'd like. Personally, I think if you're in a relationship with someone, you should be able to talk about these things. If you feel like you can't, id take it as a red flag.

 

[ennui]

I saw this post only today, and I realize it's a few months old ... but, I'm wondering what happened. Are they still together?

My snapshot of the OP is that both she and her SO are young. I'd ask, what's the rush? When it's the right guy, you can take your time and plan your future with confidence. I can't imagine committing to someone I had only known a few months. Go through a whole year, so you can argue about how to spend the holidays.

I work with a young woman, and I once made a joke about finding a rich guy, and she laughed and said "I make my own money." And she's exactly right. Be the woman who's "a great catch."