Am I crazy - moving on...

[Olive Oil]

Hi everybody

First of all sorry for the long post.

I haven't posted here in quite some time, but I often check in to look at the pretty bling and see what's up with familiar posters.

This is somewhat of a vent, but I'm also interested in hearing from people who may have had similar experiences.

I was never officially a LIW, but I was in a 4 year long relationship that I (at one point) hoped would end in marriage. There's a post somewhere about this, but long story short, he didn't want the same things and we broke up about 11 months ago. I was really sad about it, but I never really doubted that I did the right thing. After I got past the initial 'mourning' period I felt pretty optimistic about the future but also at times angry about the past relationship. Not just angry at him, but also angry at myself. I had invested much of myself into the relationship, and him not very much. I guess I was angry at myself for not recognizing that he was not at that point, or ever, going to put forth much energy into the relationship. For the most part these feelings have subsided, and a few months ago I started seeing somebody new. We've taken things really slow (mostly due to me - I think that my previous experiences have turned me into a commitment-phobe. Not because I don't want it, but because I'm terrified of getting involved in another situation like my last relationship), but I really am happy with my new guy and he's a great communicator, which was really lacking in my last relationship. I in no way want to be back in my previous relationship, but at times I do miss the familiarity of it.

Anyway, today I was in town and saw a woman who is an old roommate of both my ex and I. She lives several hours away, so it was pretty unexpected to see her. She was a great friend (but was ex's friend first) and was a big advocate of my relationship with my ex. After she moved, I didn't see her often, but we still remained friends and she would visit us a couple of times a year. The last contact I had with her was an e-mail to both me and my ex (shortly after we had broken up) saying she missed us both and telling us to give each other a big kiss for here. I felt incredibly awkward and didn't reply. I'm not sure if my ex did, but he may have.

So what did I do when I saw her? She didn't see me, and like a scared little puppy I turned around and made a bee-line for my car. I totally didn't expect myself to react that way, and I don't know why, but I got super emotional about it (crying, the whole 9 yards). It would have been a slightly awkward conversation, but I know she wouldn't have been angry with me for ignoring her e-mail. I think I just really, really didn't want to talk about my ex and explain what happened with the relationship. Now I feel like a real jerk AND I'm trying to figure out what my strong emotional reaction means. Am I not ready to be dating this other guy if I'm still ending up in tears about my past relationship? I'm also feeling somewhat annoyed at myself - like 'Come on Olive! It's been 11 months and it was your choice, get over it!'

Any of you pricescopers have similar experiences? I just want to move on, but it seems I'm having a little trouble.

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

I haven''t been in the same situation, but have one we might can relate somewhat.

My last boyfriend cheated on me and our relationship ended badly (we hadn''t dated but for a few months, but the relationship progressed fairly quickly and it ended very badly). That was about 4 years ago now.....Fast forward to about 3 months ago. I saw him at a trade show (we are in the same industry) and completely ignored him when he walked up to say hello to me and a professor I was talking to (it was his old professor too). For many months after the breakup I avoided talking about him with others.

Does this mean I shouldn''t be dating my current bf of 3 years that I plan on getting married to? NO

Give yourself a little credit, you were with your ex for 4 years....it takes more than 9 months to get over that completely. I also don''t think you should over analyze your current relationship because of it. Just continue to take things slow and see how things go.

 

[Anna0499]

Olive Oil - only you will know if you''ve completely put your past relationship behind you, but I assure you that you have "moved on" simply by not being with your ex anymore and dating someone else. I think moving on is really a whole process instead of just an actual event you can pinpoint, one day you''ll realize that you just don''t care at all for your ex anymore. I dated my ex-BF for 2+ years before we broke up after I found out he had lied about several things to me during the course of our relationship, many of which were petty which made me believe that I had been dating a pathological liar! I have dated my current BF for about 1.5 years now but every now and then a song will come on or I''ll see a movie/show that reminds me of him and can get a bit emotional when I think about our relationship. However, I never once wish we were still together...perhaps that''s the true test of whether or not you''re over an ex. There are several ways to remember a relationship and I think you can get emotional about it but still have closure on it. You sound like you were misled by your ex or just had a total lack of communication/understanding about where the relationship was headed and you did what was best for you, nothing else you could have done. If I were you I might have done the exact same thing...sometimes you''re just not ready to explain something like a LTR break-up so unexpectedly or otherwise. All of the feelings, good and bad, from your past relationship probably came flooding over you and you were just overwhelmed. Tears don''t always mean sadness, they convey emotion. I wouldn''t necessarily say that your escape was indicative of your need to not date anyone else, but like I said, only you can answer that.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

It was 3 years into my relationship with my FI when I stopped checking my terrible ex''s myspace, hoping his life turned into the trainwreck he deserved. It doesn''t mean I wasn''t ready to love FI, just that I hadn''t fully worked through my previous emotions. These things are hard, and as long as you think you are ready and are accepting the feelings, you are ready.
If it were easy, you wouldn''t be a loving compassionate person; only they go away from breakups emotionally intact.

 

[fieryred33143]

The strong reaction must likely came from memories of the past. We associate people with events that happened in our lives. It doesn''t necessarily mean anything or that you aren''t ready to date...she is just associated with a relationship that caused you a lot of emotional pain and happiness.

I''ll give you an example. My best friend is marrying another man and sometimes misses her ex although he wasn''t right for her (great guy...just not right for her). She misses him all the time but she realizes that its not him that she misses but the carefree life she had when she was with him (staying up all night, working to shop, hanging out, etc.). She associates him with the life she used to have and she misses that life.

It''s not uncommon for you to have this reaction. I would have felt the same. And being that you said you were angry with yourself about the relationship, part of that pain could have come from embarrassment or regret of not leaving the relationship sooner.

Hang in there girl

 

[NYCsparkle]

cut yourself some slack...we''ve all ran and hid from someone we didn''t feel like explaining a rough experience to. you were probably just letting out some pent up frustrations about that relationship that you didn''t even realize were there. does it mean you still care for him? no...it means you are human......love your life for where it is right now...there was a reason it ended and you ended it for a reason....

 

[Olive Oil]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for the kind responses. I'm still feeling a little teary-eyed, it's so strange. It helps to hear that I'm not the only one who does this sort of thing!

Date: 6/17/2008 7:36:49 PM
Author: Anna0499
I think moving on is really a whole process instead of just an actual event you can pinpoint,

Thanks for this reminder, Anna. Why do I forget these things?

Date: 6/17/2008 8:29:30 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
cut yourself some slack...we've all ran and hid from someone we didn't feel like explaining a rough experience to.

It's true. I think I feel particularly bad about this because she was my good friend, and I've been feeling guilty for not contacting her. I'm worried she thinks the lack of contact is because I was only friends with her because my ex was, which is not the case! She's a great woman and I miss talking to her, but I just haven't felt ready to deal with everything, maybe especially because she would always go on and on about how great my ex and I were together, etc.

Also, maybe I'm a little bummed at myself that I let my ex get in the way of seeing a good friend while she was in town.

 

[Bia]

Hi Olive.

I haven''t been in this situation before but I do know someone who has, and she is no different than many other woman with an EX.

My aunt (younger than my other aunts, so we are close) married a man she fell head over heels for when she was only 21. Their relationship (although I was only 12 or so, I remember) was very intense. Everything they did was INTENSE, never smart, or thought-out or even happy...it was a very passionate and immature relationship. It took a couple of years for her to realize (something our family knew from the word "go") that her husband was not a good guy. He was mixed up in all kinds of bad stuff and was a pathological liar. Thankfully, after a year (or two), she too realized where her life was headed if she stayed with him, so she left...THREE TIMES before she left him for good. In other words, it was a total disaster and she was kicking herself for a long time afterwards.

Fast forward a year or so, she meets another guy and they fall in love, marry and are happy for the next 10+ years (long time right?) Well, recently, and literally out of nowhere, the EX contacts my cousin via myspace asking for our aunt''s email address. Cousin passes the info to my aunt and my aunt is shocked! Her first reaction was, "what an a$$hole...he''s crazy!" But afterwards, she starts thinking it over and over...to the point where she can''t stop thinking about him. She makes a fake name and checks his myspace page daily--she was obsessed there for a few days, even to where her blood sugar had dropped so significantly (she''s type I diabetic) that she was making herself sick. Because I love her, I didn''t want to see her go down that road...IMO it was ludicrous for her to even entertain him with a response, however, he was not my first love, and therefore I can''t judge her for having those feelings resurface. She asked me if she should contact him and although she said she just wanted to know what became of him, which I understood, I could already see that she was losing herself in this...forget that she is in a happy relationship with her hubby...it just didn''t matter because her curiosity was taking over. So I advised her to be careful and remember all the reasons she left him, all the things he put her through...all the things he did to her. I told her she should leave it alone but if she needed to tell him her life turned out fine, I would help her. So we did. We made a fake email address and I wrote him an email for her. The words were kind, basically saying she was glad he was doing well, that she too was happy--very careful to keep it simple and not give personal info. I ended it by saying that there were very good reasons she decided to leave the past, IN THE PAST, and that she advises him to do the same. And that was that. It was like turning on a switch for her...she had to remember why she doesn''t want him in her life. I thought it was interesting, that no matter how much he hurt her, and how much time had gone by, she still had feelings, whether good or bad, for him.

I wrote this long story because it is understandable that you haven''t stopped having feelings for this man...this person was with you for 4 years. That is a long time in one''s life...so it would be hard for many people (me too, I am sure) to just put it behind them and forget. You, IMO, are doing the right thing. Don''t beat yourself up about what other people think, as long as you know you are doing what is best for your life and your new relationship...

I wish you the best but I know it will be fine.

 

[dragonfly411]

I have to be honest with you. I think it takes a very long time to fully recover emotionally from a bad relationship. My ex was not committed to me, and he cheated on me with three other girls. I left him of course, and have been with my bf for over 2 years now, but to this day, I have trouble saying my ex''s name (it''s fairly common), and I don''t associate with many of my friends from highschool because they are friends with him, and I can''t bring myself to be around anyone who might even mention him. I''ve stopped having nightmares, stopped worrying about whether he is getting what he deserves, but I just can''t bring myself to associate with anything relating. I also have yet to tell anyone FULLY what happened with him. Its very very hard for me to think about what I went through, and know that I let myself be in such a situation. I think your reaction was somewhat normal considering what happened for you. My new bf had to put me back together, I was broken, severely. Some times, bad relationships have a long term effect on us, and we have to learn to move forward somehow.

I''m going to give you a book to read too, as it REALLY changed how I thought after I broke up with my ex. It''s called Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. It''s an amazing book. Also, I''m currently reading a book called Fearless (Or On how to be Fearless in love, work, and life or something like that). It would be a good book to read as well Good luck !! You are a strong woman just for walking away.

 

[lliang_chi]

Olive,

Like everyone said, you just had an emotional reaction. Kinda like when the doctor hits your knee. There''s nothing wrong with it. Like you said, you did invest a lot of your life & emotion into your previous relationship, so seeing your old roommate just hit your emotional reflex and you walked away.

Honestly, I probably would''ve done the same thing. I think a lot of ppl would. Will the feeling ever go away? Probably. Only time will tell. Until then, enjoy your current guy. He sounds like he''s very good for you.

 

[wishful]

Hi Olive
I have been in your EXACT situation! OMG reading your post sounds like it could have been me!
I dated someone (who I too hoped was "the one") for three years. I was -what I thought- a great girlfriend. Always supportive, understanding, giving - through lots of rough times for him.
But when it came down to it he just didn't want to get married (at least to me) and I was extremely broken hearted. I felt like his family was my family etc. so in loosing him I also felt like I lost my family (although his family did still keep in contact with me and were all very supportive).

As mentioned, I kept in pretty good contact with his family and a few of his (our) friends. Which in hindsight only made it harder.

I also got involved rather suddenly, with a new relationship. I admit I did the online dating so I'd have a distraction from sitting at home crying -which was pretty much the only thing I was doing those days! And I ended up getting involved with a really great guy at totally the wrong time. I never thought I'd find the perfect guy so soon after a horrible breakup! But I did and it did not go well and it ened very badly for us (my fault).
I was in a horrible spot - I was certainly not able to give my whole heart (or really much of it at all) and things did not work out.
I took some time (the whole summer) and let myself heal, made some new great friends, and really focused on myself and having fun with no pressure.
It wasn't until I started dipping my toes back in the dating pool that I realized I already knew who the right guy was for me.
Unfortunately he had been pretty put off by my behavior and I wasn't sure if he'd "have me" back but we talked and we worked things out.
It took a long long time for me to get over those three years! And occasionally I think back to (like you said) the familiarity of it. But I realize that the ex gave me only a fraction of what I needed and I experienced SO much dissapointment esp. since I felt like I was always the one compromising and giving in and he never reciprocated. I too wish I had seen the signs and actually....I did - I just chose time and time again to turn a blind eye because I didn't want to be alone. I guess I thought a substandard relationship was better than no relatiosnship.

I'm so happy that my current BF had an open enough mind to let me get through such a hard time and that I was allowed the time to heal so I could be in a position to be where I am now.
But I'll tell ya, the ex's family still e-mails me from time to time (I sort of let that taper off because yes even now, it's still hard) and it always brings up a twinge of what was. Somtimes a twinge of missing the good times with him and sometimes a twinge of things I'm so glad I'm done with.

Just hang in there. You'll be ok. It takes time...for some more than others.
Big HUGS!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Nope, definitely not crazy. When your heart gets totally broken, it can take ages to heal. I have a story of heartbreak (hooray, everyone's favourite!) that's worth mentioning just because of the time frame.

Before J (my current boyfriend), I dated this guy named B. Hit it off IMMEDIATELY and were practically inseparable less than a week after we first met. He used to tell me how he saw us spending our lives together, how I was his best friend, how he didn't want to imagine life without me. Sounds like he wanted to marry me, right? Well that's what I thought too! And then he told me (while I was taking him out to a nice restaurant for his birthday) that he'd been sleeping with a friend and former student of mine (who was just 3 years younger than me, so you don't get any ideas that he was a pedophile or anything--he was bad but not THAT bad). At the time, she lived 400 miles away from where he and I lived, and he flat-out told me it was just for the sex and because she was sexier than me. WELL, needless to say, my heart shattered into a million pieces. Honestly felt like I had died inside and would never love anyone ever again.

That was 6 years ago now. I have been with J for a bit over 3.5 years. Because of J's patience, I've gotten over the majority of the issues that B inspired me to have, but not all of them. Even now, I'll come across some sort of trigger (like your old mutual friend was your trigger) and it's like all those old emotions wash over me and I've gone back in time to when the wound was still fresh. It happens less and less frequently, but it takes time for it to be completely gone. Eventually you'll be able to face what happened and not relive it, but now it's too soon. Don't punish yourself for being human! Just realize what's going on so you can see it for what it is and then get past it.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/18/2008 11:54:47 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Nope, definitely not crazy. When your heart gets totally broken, it can take ages to heal. I have a story of heartbreak (hooray, everyone''s favourite!) that''s worth mentioning just because of the time frame.

Before J (my current boyfriend), I dated this guy named B. Hit it off IMMEDIATELY and were practically inseparable less than a week after we first met. He used to tell me how he saw us spending our lives together, how I was his best friend, how he didn''t want to imagine life without me. Sounds like he wanted to marry me, right? Well that''s what I thought too! And then he told me (while I was taking him out to a nice restaurant for his birthday) that he''d been sleeping with a friend and former student of mine (who was just 3 years younger than me, so you don''t get any ideas that he was a pedophile or anything--he was bad but not THAT bad). At the time, she lived 400 miles away from where he and I lived, and he flat-out told me it was just for the sex and because she was sexier than me. WELL, needless to say, my heart shattered into a million pieces. Honestly felt like I had died inside and would never love anyone ever again.

What a jack-a$$. I don''t think I could ever trust a man after that.

Gwennie, you''re an inspiration.

 

[Lauren8211]

Damn, Gwen. Ouch. Your ex is probably on par with my ex!

Maybe it''s time for a new thread -- "The worst thing an ex has ever done to you" lol

 

[Pandora II]

Trust me, it''s normal and has no reflection on your relationship.

I dated a man for 7 years and it was a pretty toxic relationship: he was an alcoholic and I was completely co-dependant and enabling him as well as been treated in the way that a lot of partners of alcoholics are.

It took me 2 years to finish the relationship - I even moved to another country to do so. A few months later he called me to ask me to come back, to apologise for everything and to ask me to marry him. I said no and a few other things. He committed suicide the next day.

It took me about 3 years to get over that and be able to cope with another relationship.

His mother called me last week, and even after 11 years (and frankly being glad he''s no longer on this earth - sounds awful but it''s true) I sat and bawled my eyes out for an hour. FI was brilliant and when I apologised and said it wasn''t anything to do with my still having feelings for my ex, he said he knew that and it was normal that I still have these reactions.

He''s even offered to fly over to Ireland with me to see this guys parents (his mother and I were very close) and help me lay some ghosts to rest.

Issues of trust and feelings about a relationship take a long time to heal and you need to give yourself that time. It really has nothing to do with your current relationship and your feelings about your new man, so don''t beat yourself up about it.

 

[HollyS]

You said it yourself: she was a great friend. To you and the ex. To the ex first.

You put him behind you, and that included his friends. Perhaps not quite fair to the friend in question, but certainly understandable.

You didn''t want to talk about him. You didn''t want to explain; and that''s perfectly fine. You cried because this is still all part of the ''grieving process''; you realize that she was a casualty of that failed relationship, and that''s just another thing you lost.

It was a 4-year relationship; it will take some time to be completely free from the past.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/17/2008 7:36:49 PM
Author: Anna0499
O Tears don''t always mean sadness, they convey emotion.

This is very wise and worth noting. It makes sense that being reminded of a major upheaval of any kind would bring up strong emotions. Just keep taking it slow with the new guy and you''ll be juuuuust fine.

 

[Lexie]

You are truly normal for having acted the way you did.

She was simply a bridge between you and your ex, and thus became the catalyst for bringing up memories of the past and stirring up your emotions.

For instance: I dated this guy a few years ago, and he ended up being a huuuuuge jerk. I learned that he had cheated on me quite a few times, and that he fed me a lot of lies. It took me a while to forget about him and move on, but I eventually did find someone perfect for me. I hadn't thought about him in a very long time, but I was watching the news on TV within the past week or so, and saw coverage of the flooding in Iowa. He immediately popped into my head because he's from there. Next thing I know, I'm searching for his profile on MySpace, and although it's set on private, his profile pic is within view, and it's of him and another girl, all smiles

That little incident produced a maelstrom of emotions... sadness, anger, jealousy, self-pity. I was a total wreck

But at the end of the day, I realized that I am soooo much better off without him, and that he'll always be a pathetic excuse for a human being.

This is something worth remembering: "We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us."