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am i crazy? 2 weddings driving me nuts

hippi_pixi

Brilliant_Rock
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Nov 25, 2010
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So some back story: I am australian and my partner is indian. he was born in india but his family moved out to Aus when he was 2 years old. his parents had no idea i existed for the first ~6 years because he was expected to have an arranged marriage. In January my partner told them aout me and for the next 6 months they didn't want to meet me. both families met in June and straight away the wedding was brought up. me and my family would organise and pay for the australian wedding and they would organise and pay for the wedding in india.

I was fine with this but now that we started organising the australian wedding my future mother in law is DEMANDING that we have the indian wedding first. i mean my partner and his mother have been on the phone yelling about it for days now and hes coming to me begging me to give in.

2 reasons i want the australian wedding first. I'm planning the australian wedding myself for september next year and having a dress custom made. i can't just disappear for weeks before my wedding. i get food poisoning at the drop of a hat so i'm already dreading that. and i would like to do it once the australian wedding is done so i can relax and maybe honeymoon exploring india.

also the petty part of me thinks the first wedding is the real wedding and the second wedding is just a party. I'm SURE that this is exactly why my mother in law wants the indian wedding first. she hasn't said why or mentioned a certain date or time of year as to why she wants it first. she just wants it before the australian wedding.

the devil on my shoulder is saying stand up for what you want! this is your wedding she's trying to bully you because in her culture i should roll over and do anything she says. the angel on my shoulder is saying in the end what difference does it make to keep the peace. any thoughts?
 

StacylikesSparkles

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Have you explained your reasoning to you future MIL? I think your reasons for wanting the AUS wedding first makes total sense. Maybe if you talk with her about your reasoning, she will understand more?
 

JulieN

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Oops, read it wrong.

Your fiance just needs to stand firm. There can't be a wedding if he doesn't show up!
 

jstarfireb

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hippi_pixi|1351242350|3292708 said:
also the petty part of me thinks the first wedding is the real wedding and the second wedding is just a party. I'm SURE that this is exactly why my mother in law wants the indian wedding first. she hasn't said why or mentioned a certain date or time of year as to why she wants it first. she just wants it before the australian wedding.

I completely agree with your thoughts on this. I'm white American and he's Chinese-American. We had 2 weddings - an American one in my hometown, which I planned in large part, and a Chinese one in his, which his mom planned. In his cultural tradition, there actually isn't a wedding ceremony, but rather the marriage is done privately at a courthouse or something, and the wedding that people are invited to is basically just a huge reception. I was adamant that the American wedding should be first because having a wedding ceremony with music, readings, bridesmaids, ring exchange, and vows in front of my friends and family was important one to me, and I wanted it to be the one that determined our official anniversary. Luckily, my husband and his mom weren't too bent out of shape about it. We ended up having a hard time scheduling the Chinese wedding and actually had it 2 years after the American one. My husband's brother, who also married a white woman (who happens to be Australian - small world!), did the same, but had the Chinese wedding a week after the American one.

I would stand your ground! You're the bride - the wedding doesn't happen without you.
 

hippi_pixi

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StacylikesSparkles|1351250751|3292738 said:
Have you explained your reasoning to you future MIL? I think your reasons for wanting the AUS wedding first makes total sense. Maybe if you talk with her about your reasoning, she will understand more?

I actually only met her for the first time 4 months ago and have once seen her twice since then. she lives in sydney NSW, me and my partner live on the sunshine coast QLD. so i really don't know her well and theres a bit of a language barrier as they speak telugu and are uncomfortable speaking in english. i recently accidentally insulted her by addressing her by he first name instead of the telugu word for auntie. so my partner generally acts as a middle man.

last night my future mother in law started saying she wanted to have the indian wedding in february which would mean the few friends and family who would have come would be unlikely to make it on short notice due to time of work and $$. she started saying we'd have to do it first because my partners uncle has recently had some health issues and 'might die soon'

my partner was so upset he went MIA for an hour. i dont believe for a second that the uncles health problems are that dire but what a horrible thing to use for leverage! it puts me in a very difficult position
 

StacylikesSparkles

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I think it's time you have your husband stand up for what you (both) want. He knows how best to approach his mother, so its time for him to say 'here is what is happening' and go from there. I think it's a total crock the amount of stress she is adding to you both, but I can say that if he doesn't stand up to her now (in a polite and loving way) it won't ever happen. You were hidden for how many years?! No more of that! You are his partner now, so it's time for him to buck up and mean it :)
 

yennyfire

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I agree with Stacy. Your partner needs to stand up for what you as a couple want. Trust me, if your partner can't do it now, he probably won't do it in the future when even more important things arise, such as how to raise children. My first marriage ended in divorce in large part because my then husband couldn't/wouldn't stand up to his mother.

Good luck and stand your ground (easier said than done, I know!)
 

hippi_pixi

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just wanted to say i've had a change of heart. it probably sets a bad precedent but I've given in and the indian wedding will be first. turns out i wasn't privy to the uncles entire medical history and now that I've been filled in I'm comfortable that it isn't just being used to get what my MIL wants (although still convenient for her) and that my partners uncle is very important to him so he deserves to be confident he will make it to the indian ceremony.

so my stubbornness aside the planning can begin. the upside is my MIL called today to ask what wedding jewellery i want. jewellery is massive and over the top for indian weddings and all in gold! she wanted to know for the necklace do i want diamonds or diamonds and rubies. and what colors do i want in all the sarees they will have made for me. needless to say i have been swayed and am looking forward to it all now. also the maldives are conveniently close to india... might not be so bad after all. i just hope we have enough money left to enjoy!

one of the dates they proposed in feb 14th though so i better get my ass into gear picking the diamond for my engagement ring!!!
 

hippi_pixi

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StacylikesSparkles|1351511333|3294707 said:
You were hidden for how many years?! No more of that! :)

to be fair we were living away from family while studying at uni and while we had separate apartments, we lived together in mine from day 1. we knew that if his family found out they would have promptly moved in with him and that would be the end of that and we couldn't bear to not live with each other for the rest of our 5 years of study. so we waited until we had finished uni and another year to prove to his parents that he was a responsible earning adult and then we confessed! so it was probably more selfish than it sounds
 

04diamond<3

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hippi_pixi|1351677559|3296125 said:
StacylikesSparkles|1351511333|3294707 said:
You were hidden for how many years?! No more of that! :)

to be fair we were living away from family while studying at uni and while we had separate apartments, we lived together in mine from day 1. we knew that if his family found out they would have promptly moved in with him and that would be the end of that and we couldn't bear to not live with each other for the rest of our 5 years of study. so we waited until we had finished uni and another year to prove to his parents that he was a responsible earning adult and then we confessed! so it was probably more selfish than it sounds

Yeah, not sure what to say about this. There are a couple red flags from what you've said that I'd keep my eye out for. Since you have decided to accept his family's request, I agree you should probably get planning. And although it doesn't seem like the best way to have gotten where you are - this is the FUN part. So have fun with it! What matters now is that you are (despite everything) still getting married. Marriage is always always about compromise. So maybe he compromises about the next thing. Either way, wish you the best!
 
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