Am I being mean?

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hello All

It''s my daughters 10th birthday in a few weeks and she is having a party. She has invited 13 out of the 29 kids in her class, a fairly even mix of girls and boys, but there were two girls that i specifically asked her not to invite and now i am feeling guilty about it.

These two girls live around our area and although i do not encourage the friendship between them and my daughter they are usually around most weekends, out the front, knocking on the door and asking my daughter to come play with them. The reason i don''t encourage the friendships is because both girls don''t come from very nice homes. They have no manners, boundaries or any idea of what is acceptable behaviour. This isn''t their fault, this is their upbringing. I found that when my daughter hung around them, their attitude would wear of on her a bit. So although i don''t stop her from playing with them (they come to us, she never goes to them) I don''t encourage it either and that''s why i asked her not to invite them to the party. (yes i am aware of the contradicion in my words even as i write them).

So one of the girls just knocked on the door looking for K and the guilt hit me about not inviting them. It''s really not their fault they are like this but at the same time i don''t really want her around my daughter, but not enough to flat out tell her to go away becasue i know it is not her fault her mother cut her hair off to about half an inch long with kitchen scissors because she couldn''t get rid of the nits (yes it is a form of abuse i know).

The other girl is just generally a handful, she invited herself to stay one night even though she had never even been to our house before (yes, her mother let her stay at someones house that she had never even spoken too before) she comes from a family of 8 and is pretty starved of attention. She ended up breaking the bedroom window the night she stayed.

So should i invite the 2 girls even though i don''t want to encourage the friendship becasue i feel sorry for them or should i just stick to my original decision?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

It would be really easy for me to say that you should use this as an opportunity to teach your child that people of all backgrounds have value. You shouldn't be nice to people with less money or manners out of pity, but because they are humans and may actually add value to your life or the world in an unexpected way. It would be easy for me to say that and call you a judgemental snob... because I'm not the one with an impressionable young daughter and the task of watching several pre-teens for an afternoon.

So instead I will say, "Does your daughter want to invite her?" If so, then yes, I would allow her to invite her. I would also encourage you to be careful of the opinions you project on your daughter. You wouldn't want her to be mean to someone because she can tell her mom thinks that person is inferior.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 12:39:35 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
It would be really easy for me to say that you should use this as an opportunity to teach your child that people of all backgrounds have value. You shouldn''t be nice to people with less money or manners out of pity, but because they are humans and may actually add value to your life or the world in an unexpected way. It would be easy for me to say that and call you a judgemental snob... because I''m not the one with an impressionable young daughter and the task of watching several pre-teens for an afternoon.

So instead I will say, ''Does your daughter want to invite her?'' If so, then yes, I would allow her to invite her. I would also encourage you to be careful of the opinions you project on your daughter. You wouldn''t want her to be mean to someone because she can tell her mom thinks that person is inferior.

Hi GP

Thanks for your insight into my situation. It''s always helpful to get other peoples perspectives on a situation and that was the point of me posting about this.

I haven''t had the opportunity to ask my daughter if she would have wanted them there as she is off playing with said girl, otherwise i would have.
I suppose i was wrong for telling her that she couldn''t invite them. The reason I said that is because I did not want to be responsible for these girls for the evening in a public place.

I can see why you would think that i am a judgemental snob. I suppose I am in some ways, but my instincts are to protect my daughter. I am careful of the opinions i project on to my daughter about these girls. If i wasn''t, I would have told her months ago that there was no way in hell she was going to be spending her weekends playing with them. I understand the opportuntiy I have to teach my daughter about the value of all people, I am choosing to take this opportunity to teach her about making her own decisions and forming her own opinions on making good friendship choices. Sometimes she is friends with them, sometimes she is not.

I am not nice to these girls out of pity. I am nice to them because they are kids just like my girl. I do not feel that i should have to justify my feelings they are not good friends to have. Nine year old girls who write notes about having sex with boys in the class are not the type of kids i want my daughter being friends with.

My main priority is to protect my daughter, and i am trying to do that without hurting these kids feelings.

 

[Circe]

I, uh ... yes?

They''re little girls who play together. They will, inevitably, hear about the party, and wonder why she didn''t invite them. The *best* case scenario is that they ask her outright why they couldn''t come, and she says her mommy wouldn''t let them, giving rise to all sorts of bizarre conjectures and shame; the worst is they hold it against her and become neighborhood enemies rather than friends. This isn''t just mean: it''s also not really well thought out in terms of strategy.

I know - KNOW! - that this is tougher than it sounds, but instead of attempting to minimize their influence in your daughter''s life, any chance of giving them some of the guidance that it sounds like they so desperately need? Growing up, I wasn''t anything like these kids (more towards the prissy/nerdy side of the spectrum), but I''m from an immigrant family, and having the mothers of my friends tell me how things were done ''round their parts was both kind and helpful. Bonus: no guilt ....

 

[swingirl]

If it''s your daughter''s party she should invite whom ever she is friends with and unless you''ve asked her you really don''t know if these girls are important or not. I doubt your DD will be influenced while in a group of 13 kids more than she already is when she her plays one-on-one on the weekends. So if you let them play at home why would a few hours in a pubic place be worse?

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 4:30:03 AM
Author: Circe
I, uh ... yes?

They''re little girls who play together. They will, inevitably, hear about the party, and wonder why she didn''t invite them. The *best* case scenario is that they ask her outright why they couldn''t come, and she says her mommy wouldn''t let them, giving rise to all sorts of bizarre conjectures and shame; the worst is they hold it against her and become neighborhood enemies rather than friends. This isn''t just mean: it''s also not really well thought out in terms of strategy.

I know - KNOW! - that this is tougher than it sounds, but instead of attempting to minimize their influence in your daughter''s life, any chance of giving them some of the guidance that it sounds like they so desperately need? Growing up, I wasn''t anything like these kids (more towards the prissy/nerdy side of the spectrum), but I''m from an immigrant family, and having the mothers of my friends tell me how things were done ''round their parts was both kind and helpful. Bonus: no guilt ....

Thanks for your advice Circe. I have thought about the guidance thing before. Since it doesn''t seem like one girl in particular is going anywhere soon I think I will revisit the idea again. I guess the reason why i haven''t is because i dont really know what i can and cant say to them. It''s one thing to parent your own child, entirely another to guide someone elses.

I asked my daughter if she did want to invite them and she said no. I asked her why and she said ''just because'' so i thought i would leave it for a bit. I asked her again after dinner and she said that she would have liked to have invited one (the girl who was over today) but not the other as they seem to not be friends at the moment (one week they are the next they are not). So now i don''t know if i should insist that she invite both or just let her invite the one she wants.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 6:22:32 AM
Author: swingirl
If it''s your daughter''s party she should invite whom ever she is friends with and unless you''ve asked her you really don''t know if these girls are important or not. I doubt your DD will be influenced while in a group of 13 kids more than she already is when she her plays one-on-one on the weekends. So if you let them play at home why would a few hours in a pubic place be worse?

The relationship she has with these girls is very up and down. One weekend they are friends, the next they are not. Just as i suspect alot of her friendships are at school. You are right about her not being influenced by these girls at the party any more than she would have been at home. I was more worried that i was encouraging the friendship more than anything else but i now realise i was wrong for telling her she couldn''t invite them.

 

[Sabine]

Your last post really hit a nerve with me.

I know some might say that it''s normal for kids at that age to be friends one week and not the next, but that really worries me.

I had several friendships like that when I was growing up, groups of girls who would be your best friend one day, and ostracize you the next. It really messed with my self esteem and by the time I was in middle school, I wanted nothing more to do with these girls after one particularly bad falling out, but wasn''t confident enough to find new, better friends, and I ended up seeking friendship from a group of girls that was definitely "bad"...in MIDDLE SCHOOL they did drugs, drank, did sexual things with boys, lied, stole, etc. But they accepted me, and that was what I craved more than anything. I luckily managed to keep myself out of SOME of the trouble they got into, but I definitely didn''t have an easy time.

I know you are trying to avoid your daughter falling in with a group I ended up with, but I think you''re going about it the wrong way.

I really think you need to teach your daughter about friendships, how to be a good friend, how to value her friends, and not to put someone down just because they may not be the "cool" girl that week.

Instead you are teaching your daughter that friends are disposable and can be excluded for no good reason. This is basically a form of bullying, and in the long run I think it will hurt both the neighborhood girls AND your daughter. Honestly, if you are really worried about the influence these girls have on your daughter, you should limit her interaction with them to times that you are supervising (which you will be at the party).

So yes, I think you are being mean, you are contributing to bullying behavior, you should have your daughter invite the girls, and you should have a long talk with your daughter about friendship. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but as I said, this unexpectedly brought up some painful memories for me, so I wanted to be honest.

 

[fieryred33143]

I don't envy the position you are in HOT. From my experience with my own friendships and comparing that to watching my brothers grow up, I have to say that friendships betwenn girls are so complicated. I was lucky (perhaps unlucky?) In that I had to mature at a younger age due to my dad's illness so I never got involved with all the drama but my cousins did. I remember the day that her 2 best friends got 4 girls to "jump" her (all 100lbs of her) just because a guy one of them liked preferred my cousin

. With my brothers, they would get angry at a friend in the morning and by the afternoon they were over it. With girls it's a lot more intimate and complicated.

Anyway, it's not an easy job teaching children about fairness and how friendships work. It's hard to tell them that while they may be totally angry with them now, they may not feel that way next week so they need to think through their decisions. They also have to ask how would I feel if I were in that friend's position?

As for you, I can see your frustration especially if it seems like the parents are not involved. The only thing I can say is that obviously you don't have control over what happens in their home. But you do have control over what happens in your home. When these girls come over, it's acceptable to tell them what YOUR household rules are and if they don't respect it, they can leave. And while you don't have control over how these girls are disciplined, you do over your daughter.

My house was always the hangout house and yet my mom was the strictest of all the parents. She had no problem telling all the boys to chill out and if they didn't listen, she would tell them to leave. Her house, her rules.

Like I said, I don't envy the discussions you have to have. I actually do dread the topics of friendships and how relationships work when my dd gets older.

 

[Puppmom]

HOT, I don''t really have any advice about WHAT to do but I think that how you FEEL is completely natural. It is very difficult to see the weaknesses in our own children. When DD is around kids who bring out the worst in her, it is SO hard to watch. What we want above anything is for our children to be good people and when you see flashes of the attitude your DD displays around these girls, it worries you. I have found that my DD, who is now 15, eventually gets the hint with girls who are on again off again friends or have too many *rules* imposed on their friendship and she moves on.

Sabine, I''m sorry about your difficult experience. I was similarly included then excluded amongst the kids in my neighborhood. It really is very unpleasant to say the least.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 9:37:29 AM
Author: Sabine
Your last post really hit a nerve with me.

I know some might say that it''s normal for kids at that age to be friends one week and not the next, but that really worries me.

I had several friendships like that when I was growing up, groups of girls who would be your best friend one day, and ostracize you the next. It really messed with my self esteem and by the time I was in middle school, I wanted nothing more to do with these girls after one particularly bad falling out, but wasn''t confident enough to find new, better friends, and I ended up seeking friendship from a group of girls that was definitely ''bad''...in MIDDLE SCHOOL they did drugs, drank, did sexual things with boys, lied, stole, etc. But they accepted me, and that was what I craved more than anything. I luckily managed to keep myself out of SOME of the trouble they got into, but I definitely didn''t have an easy time.

I know you are trying to avoid your daughter falling in with a group I ended up with, but I think you''re going about it the wrong way.

I really think you need to teach your daughter about friendships, how to be a good friend, how to value her friends, and not to put someone down just because they may not be the ''cool'' girl that week.

Instead you are teaching your daughter that friends are disposable and can be excluded for no good reason. This is basically a form of bullying, and in the long run I think it will hurt both the neighborhood girls AND your daughter. Honestly, if you are really worried about the influence these girls have on your daughter, you should limit her interaction with them to times that you are supervising (which you will be at the party).

So yes, I think you are being mean, you are contributing to bullying behavior, you should have your daughter invite the girls, and you should have a long talk with your daughter about friendship. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but as I said, this unexpectedly brought up some painful memories for me, so I wanted to be honest.

Sabine thank you for being honest with me and i am sorry that my last post struck a nerve with you.

I felt a little ill when i read that you thought I was contibuting to the bullying behaviour. But i can see why you would think that. I guess i am going about this the wrong way, but this is exactly why i posted, for opinions (and other perspectives). All i could see was my point of view (not wanting my daughter to end up falling in with the wrong people) and when i saw the girl today i knew i didn''t handle it the best, but i didn''t think that i had been as cruel as what you have seen in me. I don''t want my girl to be one of those girls (i remember them from school too) and i don''t want to contribute to that either.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 10:43:54 AM
Author: fiery
I don''t envy the position you are in HOT. From my experience with my own friendships and comparing that to watching my brothers grow up, I have to say that friendships betwenn girls are so complicated. I was lucky (perhaps unlucky?) In that I had to mature at a younger age due to my dad''s illness so I never got involved with all the drama but my cousins did. I remember the day that her 2 best friends got 4 girls to ''jump'' her (all 100lbs of her) just because a guy one of them liked preferred my cousin

. With my brothers, they would get angry at a friend in the morning and by the afternoon they were over it. With girls it''s a lot more intimate and complicated.

Anyway, it''s not an easy job teaching children about fairness and how friendships work. It''s hard to tell them that while they may be totally angry with them now, they may not feel that way next week so they need to think through their decisions. They also have to ask how would I feel if I were in that friend''s position?

As for you, I can see your frustration especially if it seems like the parents are not involved. The only thing I can say is that obviously you don''t have control over what happens in their home. But you do have control over what happens in your home. When these girls come over, it''s acceptable to tell them what YOUR household rules are and if they don''t respect it, they can leave. And while you don''t have control over how these girls are disciplined, you do over your daughter.

My house was always the hangout house and yet my mom was the strictest of all the parents. She had no problem telling all the boys to chill out and if they didn''t listen, she would tell them to leave. Her house, her rules.

Like I said, I don''t envy the discussions you have to have. I actually do dread the topics of friendships and how relationships work when my dd gets older.

Thanks Fiery, I am definately finding this the hardest parenting lesson by far. I think it has something to do with the fact that i never really had any real friendships of my own when I was her age. I saw the kids at school but not after school, on weekends or during the holidays, so i am feeling pretty inept when it comes to dealing with this subject. Thanks for the practical advice for dealing with the girls when they are at our place. I guess it makes sense that they should follow the same rules. I am pretty strict on my daughter though and i don''t want her to look ''uncool'' with all my rules etc, especially when these girls seem to be allowed to do what they want, but as you said, if they don''t like it, they can go.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/19/2010 10:54:26 AM
Author: puppmom
HOT, I don''t really have any advice about WHAT to do but I think that how you FEEL is completely natural. It is very difficult to see the weaknesses in our own children. When DD is around kids who bring out the worst in her, it is SO hard to watch. What we want above anything is for our children to be good people and when you see flashes of the attitude your DD displays around these girls, it worries you. I have found that my DD, who is now 15, eventually gets the hint with girls who are on again off again friends or have too many *rules* imposed on their friendship and she moves on.

Sabine, I''m sorry about your difficult experience. I was similarly included then excluded amongst the kids in my neighborhood. It really is very unpleasant to say the least.

puppmom thanks for understanding. It IS really hard watching her change when she is around these girls (and for a while after they have gone home). I know she is a good kid but i do worry about the influence that they have on her. I hope when she is older she will be able to make good choices with her friendships but i guess before we can get to that point both she and i have a lot of talking and work to do.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/19/2010 10:54:26 AM
Author: puppmom
HOT, I don''t really have any advice about WHAT to do but I think that how you FEEL is completely natural. It is very difficult to see the weaknesses in our own children. When DD is around kids who bring out the worst in her, it is SO hard to watch. What we want above anything is for our children to be good people and when you see flashes of the attitude your DD displays around these girls, it worries you. I have found that my DD, who is now 15, eventually gets the hint with girls who are on again off again friends or have too many *rules* imposed on their friendship and she moves on.

Sabine, I''m sorry about your difficult experience. I was similarly included then excluded amongst the kids in my neighborhood. It really is very unpleasant to say the least.

I completely agree with puppmom. I don''t have any children (yet), but I know if I as in the same situation as you, HOT, I would also feel uncomftorable with my daughter being friends with these girls (at least by the way you have described them). When I read about the girl writing notes about sex with boys, my first thought was "Oh hell no!"

I think fiery gave good advice, all the kids who come over to your house and/or are under your supervision should follow your rules!

 

[decodelighted]

I'm going to go out on a limb & reveal something very embarrassing in the hopes of helping here. When I was, maybe 8-9 ish ... *I* was the "bad girl" in the neighborhood. Here's what happened: I was an early reader and I ended up reading some sexy books well beyond my sophistication that I purchased at a yard sale. It made me curious and I was eager to discuss the "things" I'd learned with my neighbor friends. Not acting out, mind you -- but I would share the things I read and encourage discussions about sex. I had NO IDEA this was actually inappropriate -- though I may have suspected it was a bit naughty.

Wellllllll ... the best thing happened. My best friend told her mom about the things I was talking about. She told the girl to tell me that she didn't want to discuss those things and that if I was ever to bring it up again to simply go home. This was a fundamentalist Christian family, btw -- so it was a particularly generous, forgiving action to not just SHUN me altogether ... but to attempt to create boundaries *first*. It worked. She told me what her mom had said. I was very embarrassed that she had "told" ... but I made sure not to talk to *her* about such things again, for fear of further embarrassment & fear of losing the friendship.

Maybe you could do a lot of good here by giving the girls the benefit of the doubt & trying to create a similar boundary with your daughter. Ask your daughter to tell them she does not want to talk about xxxx and IF they talk about XXX --- she is on the honor system to go home immediately.

Good luck!

 

[lyra]

Well, you should encourage your daughter to give her honest opinion to you. I would perhaps say "We can have one or two more guests for your party, is there anyone else you''d like to invite?" Or the same but "Would you like to invite *girl 1* and/or *girl 2*?" Letting her know it would be fine with you might make it easier for her to be truthful instead of possibly just saying what she knows you want to hear. I think it''s absolutely reasonable for you to have house rules that apply to all guests, and enforce those. As long as you''re just talking to someone else''s kid, giving instructions, I don''t see the harm in that. Kids push limits, you can enforce some.

 

[doodle]

This whole situation is probably the reason why my mother only allowed me to have parties as a child if every kid in the class was invited (or every girl in the class or whatever; she forbade picking and choosing, though). I 1000% agree with Fiery though--your house, your rules. If you want to make sure your DD isn''t picking up behavior you disapprove of, let the kids play when under your supervision. You never know--the troublemaker kid could wind up being a total sweetie if given a little guidance. Several of my closest friends I have known since I was younger than your DD, and my mom had a great deal to do with steering a couple of those friends in the right direction, so hey, twenty years from now, you could be getting a Mother''s Day card from said little troublemaker girl. I know my BFF (a former troublemaker) gives my mother one every year.

 

[Indylady]

I haven't read the rest of your replies yet, but I firmly think that you should not invite these girls.

I've had friends like that as a kid, and my mom could see what I couldn't. Most came and passed without any negative consequences, and my mom and I had a fight or two over why I she thought I shouldn't play with so. I'd say it didn't matter what their family was like as long as my friend was nice, and why would you try to take away a friend of mine? I thought she was judgmental.

When I was in highschool, one of these friends that my mom never approved of, was caught with drugs and said that she bought them for me.

Right. Luckily, my parents believed me (though they went through all of my stuff, my phone, phone bills, emails, my room, backpack, and notebooks, which was awful at the time, but now I appreciate that they wanted to make sure there was no doubt about the situation). It was a pretty traumatic time for me, and it could have been avoided entirely if I'd listened to my mom in the first place.

Moms usually know best. Seriously. (Don't tell my mom I said that! She'd probably start dancing.)

 

[swingirl]

When I was 12 my best friend came from a divorced family, no supervision around the house, not much attention to personal hygiene, mom smoked and tended bar at a local beer garden, and to many, my friend would have looked like a "bad influence". However, she was intelligent, interesting and talented. We had long conversations about politics, religion, art, music and people. We were each other's support system through the rough teen years.

This definitely was a case of my mom not seeing what I could.

Recently I have been getting quotes for 5 stone rings that my friend and I have decided to get for each other to commemorate our 45 years of friendship.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 6/20/2010 6:41:10 AM
Author: swingirl
When I was 12 my best friend came from a divorced family, no supervision around the house, not much attention to personal hygiene, mom smoked and tended bar at a local beer garden, and to many, my friend would have looked like a ''bad influence''. However, she was intelligent, interesting and talented. We had long conversations about politics, religion, art, music and people. We were each other''s support system through the rough teen years.

This definitely was a case of my mom not seeing what I could.

Recently I have been getting quotes for 5 stone rings that my friend and I have decided to get for each other to commemorate our 45 years of friendship.

Aww.

I had several friends like this. All my mom could see about them was that they wore grungy clothes (hey, that was IN at the time!) and smoked. If she so much as heard I was with any of them - and she had spies everywhere, it was kind of stupid - I was grounded, truck keys taken away, all of that. Moms don''t always know best...they just WANT what is best for their kids.

 

[waterlilly]

I''ve only skimmed through the replies...

I had some friends that were hot and cold at her age, and I wish my mother had just helped make the decision for me and cut them off. I wasn''t really aware of how to do that and they were so strong headed they would force their friendship on me, you know?

If they are showing up at your door - is your daughter the type that would flat out say "no, I don''t want to come play with you" and send them on their way? Could these girls be bullying her?

Inviting themselves over, inviting themselves to spend the night? If your daughter isn''t the one initiating their interactions, maybe she needs you to make the decision you did about the party.

If these girls are this way now, imagine how things are going to be once sex and drugs creep into the picture, do you want your daughter hanging out with them?

Do they respond to you at all? Are you able to have any influence over them?

I would be having regular conversations with your daughter about friendships, self confidence, right and wrong, you name it, to be sure she knows how to stand up for herself just in case she is actually the one feeling bullied to be friends with them.

 

[GliderPoss]

Hmm interesting thread... Personally I can understand other posters desire to teach your daughter about the value of friendships and about people from different backgrounds but from personal experience I would trust your own gut feelings on this. You have a right to shield your child from bad influences! As Waterlily pointed out - maybe things aren''t what they seem with this friendship if your daughter isn''t so keen for them to attend anyway.

The greatest lesson I wish I had learnt earlier was to be "master" of my friendships ie. I don''t have to be friends with everyone just coz it''s the right thing to do. Friendship isn''t automatic and I spent many unhappy years at school beacause i felt I HAD to be friends with certain girls and didn''t realise that I am in control of the situation. I wish my Mum had be less PC about my friends and more honest about how bad they were for me - it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Go with original decision. What I don't understand is why you let your kids play with those girls. There were a couple kids who kept coming over to my house and rather than let my kids play with them, I simply said the boys were busy. Sounds like you're sending all the kids mixed messages.

ETA - what do you define as acceptable behavior? Two reasons I didn't let those boys play with mine were 1) they lied to my kids and told them I said they could go play down the street, when I said no such thing. In fact, I walked outside and found my kids gone! They were told to stay right in the cul-de-sac but those kids went above my authority, and 2) they were too old to be playing with my boys.

 

[Cehrabehra]

sounds like these girls could benefit from being around you guys and I do think it is pretty hurtful not to invite them even if I understand why.

 

[partgypsy]

My 3 cents. This is all assuming your daughter actually seeing them as friends and wanting to invite them to the party.
It is a group (not intimate) birthday party, they will know they are not invited especially as they are in the saem class. Myself, I would invite them. But - both at the party and any other time, I think you need to have ground rules for your house and your child. Make them clear, whether it is bad language, unannounced visits, or whatever you disapprove of. Enforce those rules. If they cannot/do not follow your rules, then there are consequences, including and up to your daughter cannot play with them.

Why is this important? Because as it stands, all they know is that they weren't invited and so there is something wrong with them (they will fill in the blank themselves) They haven't learned anything except like a beaten dog they are not wanted. Instead, if they go to party and you enforce clear rules, they will learn that it's not them, its their behavior. They will either learn more social acceptable behavior and you have helped them become better people, or they will learn the important but perhaps needed lesson that bad behavior causes unwanted consequences.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Thanks for all your replies.

So many different points of view and opinions it would take me all night to reply individually and i would probably end up contradicting myself so i wont.

I have spoken to K about her party and the girls several times and she is adamant that she is not friends with the second girl any more and hasn''t been for a while. We spoke about feelings etc on being left out and it really seems like she isn''t friends with her any more and i haven''t seen her for a few weeks either so we are not going to invite her. This may seem harsh but im not going to invite her just for the sake of it as she is the one who seems to cause the trouble and drama all the time anyway.

The other girl who spent most of the weekend at our place was happy with her invite. I am taking everything on board that everyone has said and i am going to try my best to give her some guidance as much as i can, as well as working on friendships with my daughter.

Thank you all again. It was great to get so many perspectives on a situation that i was only seeing from one angle.