Am I a terrible person? Re: MOH gift

[gwendolyn]

Is there some sort of guideline out there for what to give/how much to spend on bridal party gifts? Just curious. I was in a bridal party where the bride splurged on tons of things (and I know because I was her MOH and helped her choose a lot of stuff), except for the gifts for her bridal party, who were scattered across the country and had a hell of a time getting the dresses/fittings orchestrated (dresses didn''t come from a national chain). On the one hand, it seems like poor etiquette to me, that it seemed like she all but forgot to put aside money for a gift for us (we each got a blank journal that I''d seen at stores for like $, when lots of us were bending over backwards to be a part of her wedding. On the other hand, it seems petty and rude for me to have EXPECTED a present at all, since it is a gift, and that''s what everyone says about wedding gifts to the bride and groom--that you shouldn''t expect anything because it is a gift.

I guess I was expecting something with a bit more thought put into it at least (no dedication or anything in the journal either), especially since I''d known her for 15 years. I''d also (apparently incorrectly) thought I''d heard that it was customary for the bridal party to receive gifts of roughly the same monetary value as the dresses they had to buy to be in the wedding, so the $8 journal kind of threw me, especially since after the dress and the travel and other expenses, I probably spent $500 to be in her wedding. Plus she made me give a speech when I didn''t really want to.

Anyway, I feel petty and mean, but it does bug me.

 

[Courtneylub]

I''m no expert, but I wouldn''t think the bride should have to spend the same amount of money that the bridal party spent on their dresses. I gave my bridesmaids a nice earring and necklace set (1st wedding), but they sure as hell didn''t cost $200 each. I couldn''t afford that.

I don''t have bridesmaids this time, thank goodness. I would hope none of mine at the time thought what you thought.

 

[Independent Gal]

An $8 journal? I agree that a bride sure as heck doesn't have to spend $200 on each girl, but really, $8. Wow.

That is tacky. Tacky tacky tacky. I don't think a bride needs to spend a LOT, and you can get some lovely gifts for $20-25 each, which really is super-fine, especially if the budget is tight. Or something home-made! I received a hand-sewn wrap with my initial embroidered from a bride once to wear in the wedding. We all thought it was lovely.

But if it costs less than a sandwich, it's tacky.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 2:44:08 PM
Author: Courtneylub
I''m no expert, but I wouldn''t think the bride should have to spend the same amount of money that the bridal party spent on their dresses. I gave my bridesmaids a nice earring and necklace set (1st wedding), but they sure as hell didn''t cost $200 each. I couldn''t afford that.


I don''t have bridesmaids this time, thank goodness. I would hope none of mine at the time thought what you thought.

Just so I''m clear, Courtney, it''s not JUST about the fact that she basically went to WalMart and picked up something inexpensive. She put NO thought into it whatsoever. We''d been friends for 15 years--I would understand if the budget was tight and she couldn''t drop a lot of money on each of us (really, I do). But it was definitely an afterthought, and made me feel crappy after everything I did.

So it''s not JUST about the money. But that is part of it.

 

[laine]

Its more the thoughtless thing than the money that would bother me. I was in one wedding where the bride probably spent a fair bit of money (though not the cost of the dress, never heard that) on jewelry that is completely not me and I'll never wear again. I appreciate the gesture (and money spent), but she didn't exactly think much about how we would like the gift.

I was in another wedding where the bride spent little money, but she handmade jewelry for us to wear and had pucked out angel ornaments, each different, that fit each of us perfectly, and wrote a lovely note to each of us. It may well have cost her $8 (ok, it was probably more), but she put alot of thought into it, and thats what matters to me.

 

[Courtneylub]

I could see why you''d be disappointed at the lack of thought put into the gift.

I agree with Ind. Gal that $20-$25 is reasonable.

I see all the hype on PS about how brides should not expect gifts from guests. I wonder if anyone feels that way about this?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 2:47:22 PM
Author: Independent Gal
An $8 journal? I agree that a bride sure as heck doesn''t have to spend $200 on each girl, but really, $8. Wow.


That is tacky. Tacky tacky tacky. I don''t think a bride needs to spend a LOT, and you can get some lovely gifts for $20-25 each, which really is super-fine, especially if the budget is tight. Or something home-made! I received a hand-sewn wrap with my initial embroidered from a bride once to wear in the wedding. We all thought it was lovely.


But if it costs less than a sandwich, it''s tacky.

For the record, I was a BM for another friend and I actually was out shopping with her when she was looking for gifts for people involved in the wedding (kinda weird to do it with me present but she was slightly strange all ''round) and she said she was shopping for gifts ''around the price of the dresses'' because that was ''the thing to do.'' She''s got very straight-laced parents and she was brought up to be very proper (has the best posture of anyone I ever knew because her mom punished her when she slouched) so I guess I just took her word as gospel that that''s how bridal gifts are done. One of my motivations behind not wanting a bridal party at all!

Glad I''m not the only one who thought it was a bit odd to get the journal. If she''d have written something sentimental in it about our friendship, this post wouldn''t exist because I would''ve been happy with the sentimental value of the thing. But...she got them all in a package together and just kinda passed them out to each of us.

 

[musey]

I don't think anyone can really answer that question (whether it was her being rude or you expecting too much). Though the gifts do seem somewhat like an afterthought, maybe a "oh crap, I have to get them gifts, don't I?!" kinda deal.

Warning: I'm having a great deal of trouble trying to articulate my thoughts on this, so if it doesn't make sense, I apologize!

I sort of feel like it's the bride's responsibility to be flexible with the dress selection, etc. to cater to the budgets of her bridesmaids... so that no one's bitter over having forked over $200 for a dress when they don't feel they can really afford it. IF the bride is doing that, then it's the responsibility of the bridesmaids to participate in the wedding without expectation of reciprocity to "make up for" their efforts. Know what I mean? Being your friend's bridesmaid shouldn't be about what gift you're gonna get in return.


For what it's worth, I paid for my maid of honor's (my cousin) dress fabric, she's making it herself, and I'm buying her a gift (likely in the $60-70 range max). She'll also be getting my "something old" by way of my parents--a .20ct-ish diamond that is from our grandmother's engagement ring and is now in a tie tack. It's not something I bought, obviously, it was passed to me for the wedding and I feel that it would mean much more to her than it does to me, so I'll be giving it to her during the reception.

She's handling her travel expenses (upstate NY to LA, ouch) but we'll be helping a bit with her lodging the weekend of the wedding, as well as letting her and her family "vacation" in our LA apartment and use our cars while we're on the honeymoon. It seems kinda fair to me... but are either of us not pulling our own weight in this exchange?

It never occurred to me before now...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 2:50:27 PM
Author: laine
Its more the thoughtless thing than the money that would bother me. I was in one wedding where the bride probably spent a fair bit of money (though not the cost of the dress, never heard that) on jewelry that is completely not me and I''ll never wear again. I appreciate the gesture (and money spent), but she didn''t exactly think much about how we would like the gift.


I was in another wedding where the bride spent little money, but she handmade jewelry for us to wear and had pucked out angel ornaments, each different, that fit each of us perfectly, and wrote a lovely note to each of us. It may well have cost her $8 (ok, it was probably more), but she put alot of thought into it, and thats what matters to me.

Aye. I''m a VERY sentimental person, and I think I would''ve forgotten about all the time and money spent on my end if she''d gotten mushy on me, but she didn''t.



Courtney: Yeah, I know there''s a lot of talk about gifts and brides and not to expect anything. That''s why I felt pretty apprehensive about posting it, because I *DID* expect something, and I feel guilty for that fact. I didn''t necessarily expect to receive an ultra-nice gift, but SOMETHING with some THOUGHT in it after 15 years of friendship...? Was that too much?

 

[musey]

Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little bummed on your behalf. Just a little bit of mush woulda been nice

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I do not know what is customary, so I will just list the gifts i have received from brides.

Bridesmaid gift #1:
a bag with my initial monogrammed on it in her wedding colors. She put the following items in the bag:
flip flops
stationary with my first and last name on it with matching envelopes - really nice and I still haven't run out 2 years later.
a photo accordian book thing that was her wedding color with pictures of us in it. She labeld each picture with a funny memory about the night it was taken

Bridesmaid gift #2:
a mesh bag with my initial monogrammed on it
flip flops
jewelry that I wore in the wedding - it was pretty, and I still wear it
manicure

Bridesmaid gift #3:
jewelry that I wore in the wedding
stationary
She ordered waterford clocks for us, but something happened with the order, and she was stressed, so we told her to just cancel the order because we were happy with just the jewelry and stationary and didn't want her to worry about it.

Bridesmaid gift #4: I almost forgot this one and the wedding is in two days!
matching pearl earrings and necklace. I already have pearls that are very sentimental to me, but appreciate the gift anyway. I'll wear it in her wedding and then save them for my someday daughter.

House Party#1:
bracelet

House Party #2:
stationary. She had also given me jewelry from Dubai (she travels a lot for business) when she asked me to be in her wedding party. I still have the hand written notes from her and others who have asked me to be in their bridal parties.



My favorite gift was the first one I listed because this bride spent tons of time thinking of the most thoughtful gift and made it very personalized for each bridesmaid. I loved the pictures she picked for our memory album and still keep it. The stationary is really awesome, and I love it, but honestly the photo album probably didn't cost even a fraction of that stationary, and it is my favorite gift. She probably did spend quite a bit of money on gifts since she gave each bridesmaid AND house party girl a bag of gifts, but I would have appreciated just the album. I would have been happy with just that. I understand what you mean about the time and effort. For me, it truly is the thought that counts, and the most meaningful gifts to me have been the ones where the brides spent time thinking about a gift that would mean something to me. I value the hand written notes above any other gift they have given me.


I know the petty monster in you is thinking, "uh thanks a lot" but at thesame time, just let it go. Maybe she's not a gift type person so it doesn't mean as much to her. Maybe she really did forget to buy the gifts and it was an afterthought, but wedding planning is stressful for some people, and she could probably use a break from you. Just give her the benefit of the doubt - that's what friends are for!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 2:56:36 PM
Author: musey
I don't think anyone can really answer that question (whether it was her being rude or you expecting too much). Though the gifts do seem somewhat like an afterthought, maybe a 'oh crap, I have to get them gifts, don't I?!' kinda deal.


Warning: I'm having a great deal of trouble trying to articulate my thoughts on this, so if it doesn't make sense, I apologize!


I sort of feel like it's the bride's responsibility to be flexible with the dress selection, etc. to cater to the budgets of her bridesmaids... so that no one's bitter over having forked over $200 for a dress when they don't feel they can really afford it. IF the bride is doing that, then it's the responsibility of the bridesmaids to participate in the wedding without expectation of reciprocity to 'make up for' their efforts. Know what I mean? Being your friend's bridesmaid shouldn't be about what gift you're gonna get in return.

No, I didn't sign up to be her MOH in hopes of getting a great gift. If that had been the plan, I wouldn't have bought the dress and just gotten myself whatever thing I wanted!

I was her MOH because of our history together, and I guess I just felt shafted when I spent HOURS and hours helping her plan the wedding, driving her places, helping to set things up, picking people up at the airport for her, driving a BM dress across state lines, making a speech about her when I didn't especially want to, staying at her house for two weeks and catsitting while they were on their honeymoon--and that's how she showed her thanks. No verbal thank-you, no written thank-you, just got tossed a journal out of plastic wrap.

For what it's worth, I paid for my maid of honor's (my cousin) dress fabric, she's making it herself, and I'm buying her a gift (likely in the $60-70 range max). She'll also be getting my 'something old' by way of my parents--a .20ct-ish diamond that is from our grandmother's engagement ring and is now in a tie tack. It's not something I bought, obviously, it was passed to me for the wedding and I feel that it would mean much more to her than it does to me, so I'll be giving it to her during the reception.


She's handling her travel expenses (upstate NY to LA, ouch) but we'll be helping a bit with her lodging the weekend of the wedding, as well as letting her and her family 'vacation' in our LA apartment and use our cars while we're on the honeymoon. It seems kinda fair to me... but are either of us not pulling our own weight in this exchange?

Musey, you are going above and beyond to show your appreciation and desire for this friend to be a part of your big day. I think it's great that you are helping her with her lodging expenses and allowing her to use your place while you're gone.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 3:08:57 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I do not know what is customary, so I will just list the gifts i have received from brides.


Bridesmaid gift #1:

a bag with my initial monogrammed on it in her wedding colors. She put the following items in the bag:

flip flops

stationary with my first and last name on it with matching envelopes - really nice and I still haven''t run out 2 years later.

a photo accordian book thing that was her wedding color with pictures of us in it. She labeld each picture with a funny memory about the night it was taken

I love this!!!! I adore the fact that she wrote memories of every photo. I also love flip-flops, but that album idea is the sort of thing I would love. I am sure it was time consuming but it would be something to keep always!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

She actually used to post here when she was waiting for a ring and planning her wedding, so maybe she will recognize her gift if she happens to read this thread

shout out to appletini!

 

[Bia]

I have no qualms about saying that it's tacky on her part to give blank journals--unless she got them at a store that personalizes them or something. The bridal party does so much (or many do anyway) for the wedding and many of them spend a lot of time and money on the brides (and groom)...its really absurd. I was a bridesmaid in my BF's sister's wedding...between the engagement gift, bridal shower (two gifts: one from me and a large group gift from the bridal party), the wedding gift + money...less we forget the $200 dress and $100 alterations...its a lot! She ended up giving us beautiful and all unique, art deco jewelry boxes with earrings inside. All different earrings...mine were garnet studs (birthstone), because she knew I loved studs.

Now my brother is getting married and its round two. I am happy to do it because I love these girls, and no, its not about the monetary value but about the sentiment. She could have gotten you a beautiful, unique necklace that was so "you," and if it cost $8, who cares. Or even a journal (since you're an educator) with a personal inscription.

Although, maybe the girl was dead-a$$ broke by the time the rehearsal dinner came, she couldn't afford anything else and there was no time...that is also possible. LOL

People are funny...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/29/2008 3:19:29 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
She actually used to post here when she was waiting for a ring and planning her wedding, so maybe she will recognize her gift if she happens to read this thread

shout out to appletini!

Oh I know appletini! Awesome, chica, that is one smokin' BM gift you gave!!!

Bia: Yeah, although the price does bug me a bit, it's mostly about the lack of thought. Looking back, it makes me feel like I was taken for granted because she didn't show any sort of genuine appreciation, in any form. Oh well, it is what it is. *shrugs*

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 5/29/2008 3:19:29 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
She actually used to post here when she was waiting for a ring and planning her wedding, so maybe she will recognize her gift if she happens to read this thread

shout out to appletini!

Hey I met appletini at a baby shower not too long ago! She''s a sweety and I could totally see her putting together a great gift like that!

 

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, I think you were misinformed re, a guideline amount. At least, I had never heard of that before in all my wedding planning.

A gift for any occasion should show some care or sacrifice, in time, thoughtfulness, or money.

By the way, here's the thread about what I and some of the others got their gals. I bought each of them a very individual gift (or collection of gifts), ranging in price from $50-75(bm) to $160(MOH) all told. And there was no dress to buy!

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/what-are-you-getting-your-bridesmaids.75102/

In addition to the things on there, ended up getting my MOH/BFF a solid gold pendant and my MOH/sister a pair of gold designer earrings. I also paid for their nails and for my sister's hair.

Oh, and the journals for my writer pals were individually hand made and definitely did not cost $8!

 

[Pandora II]

I can understand how you feel about the lack of thought. It''s a little ungracious of her not to have at least written you a thank-you.

It''s a hard one to put across in the right way on the Internet though!

(I had an ex who bought me a boxed set of acrylic paints for Christmas one year - I was very hurt because I had put a lot of time and effort into his gifts, whereas he had just handed his creditcard over in the shop in a ''oh geez, need to get her something'' kind of way. I did want a set of acrylics, but there were 6 different ones in the shop, including ones in really beautiful wooden boxes - he bought the cheapest set they had in a box that fell apart as I opened it. Since he was a company director I thought it was a bit cheap of him - and then felt awful for thinking that way and being ''ungracious''!)

I''ve never heard the ''equal to the price of the dress'' thing before though.

I decided to spare myself the aggro of bridesmaids and so mine are all under 12!

For their dresses, I bought all the fabric and dyed it to the colour I wanted, plus all the bits and pieces. My mother is making dresses for the 2 four-year-olds and the 7 and 8 year-olds. The 12 year-old''s grandmother is making hers - I sent a big parcel with the fabric, notions and paper pattern out to Italy. The total cost to me was $400 - plus my mother''s time.

I''ve asked them to provide their own shoes, but that''s it.

As gifts I have got each of them a sterling silver charm bracelet with a heart padlock and a different charm for each and a pearl necklace to wear on the day (still looking for them).

I wanted to get something that they can wear now and that they will still like when they''re older.

We''ve got FI''s group a pair of sterling silver collar stiffeners with 2008 hallmarks and their names engraved on them, and some weird brand of designer socks FI likes with skulls and crossbones on them to wear on the day.

 

[Gypsy]

I would be irritated at the thoughtlessness. I mean thats a secret santa office party present not a present to your BP. A blank, unsigned, unpersonalized note book? Tacky.

I've never heard the 'spend as much as the dress rule' and if that's the rule, we'll I'm going over. My gifts to her are her hair and make up (which alone cost more than the gown), her wedding day jewelry, and some lovely blue martini glasses the ladies here found for me.

My reasons have nothing at all to do with cost. I'm not a 'personalized sentimental' gift giver. I give people what they need usually. So I'm paying for hair and makeup and getting her jewelry. As for the Martini glasses, I also believe in getting things for people that are their taste and they'll use. They love to entertain, adore blue and handcrafts (the glasses are handmade), and supporting local business communities (small artist in 3rd world country makes the glasses). So it's something that fits their taste, values, and needs. Plus it's something lasting-- which the hair, makeup, and jewelry aren't so much.

Pandora, I have an Ex-bf like that. I don't remember what I wanted but it was my birthday, but he got me a car stereo. From a flea market. Previously used and a little battered--possibly stolen. Yeah. That was classy.

 

[Haven]

Gwennie, you are so far from being a terrible person, being upset about a gift doesn''t make you one bit less fabulous.

Anyway, I would be hurt at the lack of thought, too. I''m struggling with choosing gifts for my own bridal party because the gifts I have gotten have been so varied that there doesn''t seem to be any norm to at least use as a guideline.

I have to say that the best gift I ever got for standing up in a wedding was when the bride paid for our hair and makeup ($150 before tip) because that relieved a huge financial burden. She also gave us jewelry to wear to the wedding. I''ve gotten picture books about Audrey Hepburn, huge framed artwork, canvas bags with my initial on them, the whole gamut.

I love the monogrammed stationery idea, I think I may steal that for my own BP, Guilty Pleasure!

 

[neatfreak]

It is totally the lack of thought that bothers me...the $, not so much. If it cost $8 but was very thoughtful that would have been fine. Either make it nice or thoughtful, either is fine IMO.

 

[parrot tulips]

A friend of mine recently gave me a belated birthday gift. Most of it was fairly generous (for our circle), but my favorite part of the whole thing - a bookmark. Inexpensive, but I totally loved it. I read a lot, and I always seem to be using some random piece of paper as a bookmark (old receipts, unwanted business cards, etc.). I can''t stand creases in my books, so I refuse to fold over the corners of the pages. You don''t have to be a sentimental person to appreciate a little thought going into something.

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 5/29/2008 3:48:05 PM
Author: Gypsy
I would be irritated at the thoughtlessness. I mean thats a secret santa office party present not a present to your BP. A blank, unsigned, unpersonalized note book? Tacky.

I''ve never heard the ''spend as much as the dress rule'' and if that''s the rule, we''ll I''m going over. My gifts to her are her hair and make up (which alone cost more than the gown), her wedding day jewelry, and some lovely blue martini glasses the ladies here found for me.

My reasons have nothing at all to do with cost. I''m not a ''personalized sentimental'' gift giver. I give people what they need usually. So I''m paying for hair and makeup and getting her jewelry. As for the Martini glasses, I also believe in getting things for people that are their taste and they''ll use. They love to entertain, adore blue and handcrafts (the glasses are handmade), and supporting local business communities (small artist in 3rd world country makes the glasses). So it''s something that fits their taste, values, and needs. Plus it''s something lasting-- which the hair, makeup, and jewelry aren''t so much.

Pandora, I have an Ex-bf like that. I don''t remember what I wanted but it was my birthday, but he got me a car stereo. From a flea market. Previously used and a little battered--possibly stolen. Yeah. That was classy.

I LOVE that... its totally true. The journal may be a nice gift for SOMETHING but not for a bridesmaid. It would be different if it had handmade paper or embossed with your initials or something.

My bridesmaids dresses were about $25 and I definitely spent more than that on their gifts. I tried to choose things that I knew they would all enjoy along with a really sweet note.

The bridesmaid who flaked out asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding back in December... I spent about $500 on my dress, travel etc. She gave us a jewelry set to wear for her wedding and no "thank you" card or anything. I didn''t think it was very thoughful at all. In fact, I never got ANY sort of "thank you" for being a bridesmaid, her shower gift, wedding gift, nothing...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

No you''re not a horrible person at all! She totally should have put some more thought into it at least. I am sorry Gwen! ((Hugs)) I mean my BMs are my FI''s sisters and I plan on getting them something small that they''ll like like a Coach wristlet or something and a gift card to a restaurant they like at least! I mean it''s not about the money, but it is about putting thought into it.

 

[Harleigh]

I totally hear ya, sistah! I have been in 11 weddings, and I''ve gotten gifts at some and none at others, which is fine, but I never expected more than a thank you, which oftentimes none of us in the bridal parties never received!

In one wedding, the bride wanted us to have outrageously priced velvet shoes, and at 19, the dresses at over $200 each were already over all of our college-attending budgets, and she did try to get us all to pay for them, but we all stood our ground and simply said it was too much. I wish I''d done that in so many other weddings, let me tell you! The shoes only lasted one day as it rained and ruined the velvet, so I am ReALLY glad I didn''t pay for those bad boys!

The last wedding I was in, the bride paid someone else to make our jewelry, which is something I do as a side job and had offered to do so for either her and/or the bridal party as part of my gift to her, but she had already commissioned the order at truly outrageous prices for what she received. Unfortunately, they were made of large tiger''s eye beads that looked kinda like bone and cut turquoise. Her colors were dark chocolate brown and turquoise, but these looked chintzy and just didn''t match the elegant look of the wedding at all. If I''d have had my druthers, I would''ve used delicate brown pearls or turquoise Swarovski crystals that maybe could be worn again, I dunno. Unfortunately, my set is so big that I really can''t wear anything but the earrings, that is, if I actually WANTED to wear them again, which I just can''t figure because she *said* she had my set made smaller since I was so much smaller than the other girls. I''m sorry, but they were just butt-ugly, and I''m being generous saying that!

Another wedding I was in I did make all the jewelry for the bridal party and never even received a thank you for doing that from the bride or any of the bridesmaids. Her wedding was in August and I did receive a framed picture of us as my Christmas gift that year, but never a "thanks for being in my wedding" note, which would have been lovely and most appreciated.

My favorite gesture of all was from my friend who is a writer/amateur artist...she bought an inexpensive wooden picture frame and wrote a poem around the edges with my name at the bottom with butterflies in silver pen to put a picture of us in after the wedding. She also included a lovely letter explaining why she valued our friendship and thanking me for all I had done to help with her wedding. That was 10 years ago this May, and I remember and treasure those thoughts more than any other. Truly, a heartfelt note lasts a lifetime and won''t easily be forgotten.

For my own bridal party, bought their dresses for them, so that is a gift in itself, I guess. They all had comfy silver shoes, so I just asked them to wear whatever they are comfortable in on grass and they were happy to wear shoes they already owned and are comfortable in.

As a thank you for being a part of our wedding and for throwing me a shower, I have monogrammed bags full of goodies to give them at the shower in June to alleveiate the need for it all to be taken to Maui. The bags are in the wedding colors, and since the vendor screwed up the order the first time, they each get two, actually! The bags have fuchsia glitzy flip-flops, a gorgeous "Friend" frame for each one of them to put a picture of us together in it after the wedding, which I will let them know I will send to them at a later date. The bags are filled with bath things, travel toiletries, a lovely enameled purse hanger, a fuchsia shawl (not that they''ll need THAT in Maui in July, but you never know!), a jewelry roll for travel, a sleep mask, nail polish, lip gloss, a manicure set, etc... There a few other little friend things in there that I can''t recall right now, but the bags should be fun.

After my shower we are doing a sort of pseudo-bachelorette party at my favorite country dancing place, so I found fuchsia cheetah/leopard? print photo albums that say "Girls Night Out!" and I am going to give those to my 3 girls and another good friend going out with us for the evening who is also joining us in Maui. We''re HUGE picture takers, so I thought it would be cute to give them all a bunch of pictures afterwards to fill their little book up!

When we get to Maui, I will give them a card/letter with the reasons I am thankful to have them as my friend as well as an attendant in my wedding, and then I have sterling silver & CZ DBTY jewelry for each of them to wear on the wedding day, and then I am providing someone to do all of their hair and makeup if they want it done, which will cost appx. $200+ per girl, but we''re all at a loss as to what to do in Maui weather, so I''m feeling that''ll do. They have all spent so much money to get to Maui that I just want all of them to have no worries and totally enjoy the day, and if that means getting their hair and makeup taken care of, I''m on it!

So, Gwenny, I know you know it''s not at all about the money, but I do agree that it is ALL about the thought and effort put into it, and even just a heartfelt card or note saying thank you can go a really long way.

Sorry...I just don''t seem capable of NOT writing a novel on here these days!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/29/2008 4:09:45 PM
Author: neatfreak
It is totally the lack of thought that bothers me...the $, not so much. If it cost $8 but was very thoughtful that would have been fine. Either make it nice or thoughtful, either is fine IMO.

Yeah I agree!! Then again we do things differently over here in that we buy the bm''s dresses,shoes, all accessories etc and then we buy a gift too for them so $8 seems very tacky, especially when it''s not a thoughtful gift

 

[gwendolyn]

IndyGal: Thanks for that link! I know it sounds awful to talk about the money aspect because that makes it look like I was some sort of a gold-digging MOH (if such things exist?

) but really the only reason I mentioned it is because, looking back, it makes me feel more slighted, since I went WAY above and beyond to do things for her that cost me a fair amount of money (like driving 3 hours round trip to pick up a couple of her friends at the airport and not asking for/being offered gas money), and at the time I was working 4 jobs to cover my bills. I was happy to do it at the time, but looking back on it now, I just feel like she had SO many opportunities to at least SAY thanks for all the stuff I did for her, but she never did, and the expenses I put out for her make it sting a bit more, if that makes any sense.

Pandora II: Thank you, darlin'! Yeah, it is really difficult to write exactly how I feel about this topic to people who don't know me that well... How you explained that situation with your ex is exactly how I feel, though--I felt like I put so much time, money and EFFORT into making her wedding exactly what she wanted, and didn't get any thanks for it, and then I ended up feeling badly because I felt ungracious too!

Gypsy: I think practical gifts are great too, but this chick has NEVER been practical about anything in her life, so I would've been highly amazed if she had offered to do the wonderfully generous things you are doing for your bridal party. And those martini glasses sound fantastic!!

Haven: Thank you, sweetie! I have to say, I saw your name at the last poster when I was on my way out the door and had a momentary feeling of, "Oh no! I know Haven said in another thread that a gift is a gift and no one should ever 'expect' one! She is going to HATE me!

" So I am very relieved to see that isn't the case.

As for the gifts you are choosing for your BMs, if the gifts are varied because the ladies are varied and you are buying for each individual, I think that sounds perfect, m'dear.

neatfreak: heheh, perfectly said, as always!

parrot tulips: Sounds like that bookmark was a very nice personal touch there. I love when I get gifts that show that the giver clearly knows me, and I always strive to give gifts that really gel with the person I'm giving them to, and not just what I would like.

Oobiecoo: Your bridesmaids dresses were only $25?!?!?!!

That's awesome! The dress for this wedding was $250, and the cheapest BM dress I've ever had was $140. $25 sounds awesome! I'm sure they appreciated that as well as the personalized gifts you got them!

Sarah: Thank you, sweetness! It's good to know I am not being horrible about this. On one level it does seem very petty of me, but on another level I am just so disappointed! Thank you for understanding.

Harleigh: Hahaha, glad you didn't pay for those velvet shoes--oi, I can't imagine paying $200 for EACH pair of BM shoes and having them only last a DAY! How many BMs were there? Even just thinking about the money down the drain for ONE pair...

On a happier note, those gift bags sound AMAZING! And I love the letter idea, and the jewelry and make-up and hair also?! You are definitely showing them how much you appreciate them! I know they will love it!!!

bee-star: I was lucky and found my shoes WAY on sale and wore accessories I already had (I put a stop to us spending more on matching shoes and jewelry because it was getting so freakin' expensive!). I think it might keep people at home from having these giant wedding parties if they did it the way you do it in Ireland--I know my friend thought nothing of piling on the expenses that other people were covering (she went WAY over budget and didn't end up paying for it) and got so wrapped up in herself that she thought nothing (at first) of wanting the BMs to all get matching $120 heels (which I physically cannot wear due to a previous ankle injury). I felt awful, but I had to sit her down and tally up the costs of all the BM stuff and remind her that two of her BMs were unemployed and borrowing money to be able to be in her wedding in the first place! Ugh. Just another thing to reinforce that I do NOT want a bridal party when it's my turn.

Thanks for the posts, ladies. It is really nice to feel some reassurance that I am NOT a horrible, terrible person! Go figure.

 

[tberube]

Well. Here''s my two cents.

I didn''t want to have any bridesmaids in the first place, to expect friends of mine to buy a dress of my choosing, orchestrate my bridal shower, chase them around when and if they are hard to pin down, etc. But I ended up with no choice but to have my cousin as my MOH (story too long to be in this response).

She has been MIA practically ever since being appointed, ordered her dress at the last moment, etc. Her mother and a friend of mine are putting together my shower due to her procrastination.

With that said, the gift I am getting her is a necklace with a pretty pendant to match my wedding colors, that she can choose to wear or not to wear at the wedding. I plan to spend about $100 on it. It''s not PS vendor quality, but it will be white gold and garnet...not junk. My wedding budget is small. If I had more than one BM I probably wouldn''t be able to do that gift for everyone.

But at this point, if my cousin doesn''t like the gift, then too bad. Heh.

 

[robbie3982]

Gwen, I can see why you''re disappointed, but some people just aren''t good at gifts, myself included! I HATE buying gifts. Not because I hate spending money on people, just because I dread finding the right thing and getting all sentimental in the card. DH is the only one I do the sentimental thing for. I honestly can''t even remember if I gave my BMs cards or not. I gave them each jewelry that they wore for the wedding in a little silver trinket box with their names engraved on it. My guys (the huppah holders and groomsmen) got travel/shower bag thingies. Not personalized at all.

Honestly, I don''t think I would''ve been disappointed, but that''s just because I generally forget about occasions that mean I''ll be getting presents. If I was anticipating something sentimental, though, it would be a different story.

I don''t really think of the gift as a payback for all your hard work in the wedding. I think the "payback" (not quite what I mean, but can''t think of a better word) is when the tables are reversed and you''re the bride and she''s the bridesmaid who goes to all the lengths to make sure that your day is perfect for you.