Advice on how to include FSIL

[Treasure43]

Ladies, I'm looking for some advice. I have 4 girls in my wedding party, including my FSIL. I went to college with my MOH and another BM so they know each other. My other BM has met the other two girls once or twice. So they all know each other, except for my FSIL. FSIL met my MOH once. My MOH has tried to include her in the planning because my FSIL said that she really wants to get to know me better and be a part of things. However, whenever she emails my FSIL, my FSIL always writes back with some excuse of why she can't come.

Instead of a bachelorette party I wanted the bridal party and I to go to the beach. FSIL said she was too old for bachelorette parties (she's 2 and said she couldn't come to the beach weekend. Which is fine and I understand it might be akaward because she doesn't know the other girls very well and they all know each other. We're then coming back for the shower (which FSIL is coming to). Then, I asked the bridal party if they wanted to go out for a drink with a few friends of mine who aren't in the bridal party. I thought it would be low key and give them a chance to get to know each other a little before the wedding. MOH emailed FSIL and asked her about the drinks. FSIL replied that she had family in town and couldn't come. Now I know this is true, but a part of me is wondering if she feels like my MOH is inviting her out of obligation. FSIL and I are very different and aren't that close, however I'd like to get to know her better. I was wondering if I should write FSIL an email and say that I would love for her to come out and have drinks with us but I understand if she can't. It just seems odd that she says she wants to be very involved in everything, yet keeps saying no.

It's so interesting because before anything was planned she kept saying how she hoped my MOH and I would include her in things (of course we would, she's a BM!) but when she gets asked she's always got an excuse. She made a HUGE deal about how she didn't know if she had time to do the food for the shower, after making a HUGE deal about worrying if she would be included in the shower or not and saying she really wanted to help. Then she made a huge deal because I'm not picky and all I said I wanted was mimosas and bagels, anything else would be awesome but that was really all I wanted to make sure I had. She then complained and said no one would want mimsosa with brunch (after I'd told her I"m not the biggest fan of breakfast food). Honestly, I don't care what mimsosas go with...I only wanted to make sure I had that and bagels and you're going to complain and say it doesn't go?

Just looking for some advice on how to bridge the gap...

 

[megumic]

I'd reach out to her in person or with a phone call and just remind her that you're excited to become a part of her family and to have her as a SIL. Maybe also set aside some time for just the two of you to get to know each other. Maybe get a manicure or go to lunch, or ask her to come on a wedding task, like cake tasting or something, so you can spend some one-on-one time together.

 

[meresal]

It sounds like you and your MOH have invited her to plenty of events, and have created more than a couple opportunities for her to join. At 28 years old, if she really does want to get to know you and your friends, then it's her job now.

and just to share... my sisters who were 40, 38, and 34, ALL came to my bachelorette party... you are never too old to celebrate if you really want to.

I hope she comes out from under her rock soon

ETA: I agree with meg, that maybe she would feel more comfortable, one-on-one.... however, it is understood that alone time is hard to come by when getting closer to the wedding. IMO, if she wants to spend time with you, then she needs to come outside of her comfort zone a bit.

 

[Treasure43]

Thanks for posting ladies I do feel like she is only willing to come to things when other family members are around so she doesn't have to spend time with just me. I understand that we're VERY different but I'm really trying to include her in things. I've also asked her to call or email me if she and her husband are coming in to town to visit her parents and maybe her, her husband, FI, and I could all go out to dinner. Or she and I could grab lunch with her mother or something. However, she doesn't ever let me know when she's coming in to town. I always find out from FMIL at the last minute and by then we usually already have plans. The one time she was supposed to come and the 4 of us were supposed to go out to lunch, she and her husband left 2 hours late and she knew I had plans after our plans. I'm sure she's not 100% comfortable with me (as I'm not with her) but the only way for us to get there is to spend some time together. My best friend pointed out that I'm a part of her family now (or will be) and she should be able to take a half hour or so out of her schedule to come hang out for a bit.

 

[iota15]

Hmm.. I'm going to take a random stab at this.

You've stated a few times now that FSIL and you are apparently very different. It appears to me (from your brief post) that FSIL is not really into doing things she's not comfortable with, familiar with and/or interested in.

More specifically, maybe your FSIL is just not into drinking at all and doesn't like promoting it. She's excited to make food for your shower but mimosa's before lunch? You and I are thinking - who wouldn't want orange juice and champagne before lunch? FSIL, however, might not be into that - so she's backing away from the food prep portion of your shower.

I'm older than your FSIL and I'm definitely down for a Bparty on the beach. For my friends that don't drink though - standing around as the only sober person gets pretty old pretty fast.

It sounds like your MOH and you have invited her to quite a few events. Presumably, at least some of the provided excuses were legitimate (like you accept she had family in town this weekend). Could the other events you invited her to involve alcohol? Because even the "low key event", which she declined, involved some drinks. Maybe she's staunchly against alcohol, for whatever reason..... Anyways, again, this is just a random stab.

 

[Treasure43]

Iota15: Actually, she regularly gets a drink when we go out to dinner. I'm not a big drinker and I'm not sure on how much she drinks but I do know that she drinks.

Update: I wrote her an e-mail and let her know that I'd love to have her there and she said she'd make time for it and the email was very sweet. She let me know how much it meant to know I want her there, so I'm thinking that she was just unsure if I really wanted her there or not and now she knows I do