Advice on divorce mediation for parents

[lliang_chi]

Hey folks,

I'm hoping someone will have some general insight on divorce mediation. My folks are in the throes of a divorce. My dad moved to out of country, my mom moved to a different state. They're both coming back to our home town, in S. Florida, for Christmas holidays. My brother, sister and I *really* want them to finalize their divorce. I think there's a fair likelihood that it will happen the way things look now.

So we (the kids) were trying to figure out what to do to get them to put this ting to bed. We thought of mediation. A few questions:

• 
  How much does this cost?
  Is it worthwhile?
  Any points that I should keep in mind?
  How do I find a good mediator?

I'm thinking that us kids will pay for the mediator.

Thanks everyone!

 

[kenny]

Isn't this their business?

I remember my parents had a horrible marriage.
We kids kept trying to get them to divorce, but they never would.

That was decades ago.
They are gone now.
Now I understand their marriage (and ending it) was none of my business.

If your parents ask for your help finding a mediator, that's fine.
You wrote, "My brother, sister and I *really* want them to finalize their divorce."

I'd really back off expressing your opinion on whether someone else should end their marriage, even it if it your parents, perhaps especially if it is your parents.

 

[Haven]

I'm sorry your parents are going through this, Liang_Chi. My parents divorced two years ago after 30 years of marriage.

I just wanted to send you some hugs. It's tough being the adult child of divorcing parents, so I hope you're doing okay through all of this.

 

[ForteKitty]

Do they really need to be legally divorced? Maybe they dont see the point if they're not planning on remarrying. My parents have been legally separated for 17 years. Neither plan on remarrying, so they dont care.

 

[lliang_chi]

Haven, thanks for the reply too. It's a crappy situation. I guess I'm trying to figure how to make the best of it, and how to get the divorce part over so they can start on the healing part.

Kenny, Thanks for the reply. I guess I didn't communicate myself properly. They both want to end the marriage. My mother initiate the "I don't want to be married", my father drew up the "terms" and my mother filed with the court. That was decided late last year/early this year. It seems like they stalled and don't know what else to do. My dad move out of country and my mom left the state. Since their moves, they've just thrashing instead of moving forward.

I guess my view is that the mediation, and my intervention, is to help them move in a direction rather than just butting against each other. Since about July both parents have been roping us (kids) into communicating to the other about terms of the "settlement," etc. I'm using the work settlement in quotes since they're still not legally divorced yet.

I'm pretty sure I'm not inserting myself into this equation for my own reasons. It seems like they need some "guidance" on where to go next.

Thanks PS folks.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't have any advice for you, L, but I'm sorry that things haven't gone well between your parents.

 

[ForteKitty]

I see. That sucks. My mom still doesn't like to talk to my dad. she rather just never see him again. So us kids are always going back and forth... more me than my sibs since they're still young. It's a crappy situation.

 

[megumic]

If your mom filed in court last year/early this year but there is no judgment of divorce yet signed by the judge, then the divorce was probably dismissed and thus the procedure probably needs to start over. If they can agree to terms, a judge will usually agree to the terms so long as they are reasonable and not repugnant to any law...so this sounds like an easy case to me and that there wouldn't be a need for mediation. Mediation is really meant for those who cannot come to an agreement.

And on the emotional side, I feel you. My parents are mid-divorce after 40 years of marriage and my wedding is in two weeks. It's a complete disaster, completely hostile and both refuse to move out of the house -- talk about walking on egg shells constantly. So I feel your pain -- it is so difficult as an adult child. I too really want it done and over with, but it is their battle, not mine.