A No Ring Proposal

[Mr_Carter]

Hello All,

After much research and forum lurking I have come up with the foundation of a proposal idea that I like and would appreciate any advice or opinions.

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years and fell in love at the moment we met. I'll save the mushy gushy details and simply say that we have an unconditional, passionate love we've yet to see rivaled in our lives. We have every intention of getting married and having children fairly soon and talk about it regularly. The only thing stopping us is an engagement and wedding of course. Unfortunately for us we find ourselves in career paths that haven't allowed the financial freedom to provide ourselves a legitimate proposal or wedding scenario. Simply put, I haven't been able to save for the ring I know she will love and deserve and neither of us have the funds to put together a wedding at this time.

Normally I would say that if I don't have the financial freedom to provide even an engagement ring... I am not in a position to get married. Now I can't disagree any more. I don't want to let a missing ring keep us from marriage. I'm confident I will make the money in time to provide her the ring she deserves, I don't care what anyone things of me as the deadbeat ringless boyfriend and I know if I make it memorable... she'll smile, and say yes. I simply fear not making it memorable enough to make up for the lack of a ring.

So this is where my head is at:

I can propose to her without a ring and give her the ring in an extravagant way when the time comes. To propose...

I want to find the right time and place and simply profess my undying love for her, my commitment to her and our future family, the passion I have for her and that I just can't wait any longer to make her my wife, get married and take the next step in our life partnership.

I am thinking of buying THIS necklace with the engravement "Will you marry me?" on it as well as 4 birthstones that signify the months we took the next steps in our relationsip(met, first date, officially together and proposal) and using that as what I propose to her with while either on bending knee or not(can't decide what would make more sense.)

I think my heartfelt expression of love will be something out of a movie but is it truly something to be remembered and is that gift not worthy of the moment?

I know nobody here knows her... but I ask of you personally, in her shoes and in our shoes... would a proposal like this be worth it or would you rather wait the years it may take to provide a customary engagement?

Much Appreciation,
Austin

 

[Mr_Carter]

I should add for anyone who will reply with advice that I do not want to go a replacement ring route. The first and only ring that I will by her will be the engagement ring. That is why I am leaning towards the necklace as I fill I should give her something.

I don't want to buy and give her any ring to later be replaced with the "real thing."

I've also liked the idea of sending her and her sister on a fun and eventful scavenger hunt around town complete with puzzles, clues and riddles. She likes Gio-Cashing and so that would be fun for her. Once she gets to her final destination she would reveal the necklace with the "Will you marry me?" engravement and I will be there behind her.

 

[somedaysunday]

Well, what does she want? I really think you need to talk to her to get an idea of what her expectations are. I know that some guys would prefer that the woman not be involved in the proposal/engagement process at all. When most guys do that, they are taking a risk by assuming that their girlfriend is into the traditional ring/proposal, but here it seems even more risky, because you are hoping she'll be happy with a very non-traditional proposal gift. The scavenger hunt idea sounds lovely, but if you don't let her know what to expect, she absolutely will think there is a ring in that box before she opens it.

Just being honest, if it were me in your girlfriend's position, I would, of course, be happy with the proposal, but I would be disappointed with the necklace idea. The *ring* part of the engagement ring seems to be the most important part - that's why there are all different shapes/sizes/styles of e-rings - because it's the ring part that is the symbol. Having something on that left ring finger (or right, depending on where you live) really means something to us - and to the rest of society. You say you don't want to be a guy who gives one ring, then replaces it later with another - this to me sounds the same as giving her a necklace now and a ring later.

If it were me, I would want a beautifully engraved, or even plain silver ring over a necklace. I wouldn't want to explain to everyone (for better or for worse, that's the way our society is) that the necklace is an *engagement* necklace. It just doesn't come with the same significance and cultural symbolism as a ring.

Would a proposal like this be worth it or would you rather wait the years it may take to provide a customary engagement?
I think you are being too rigid. There are rings that are beautiful for *literally* every budget.

Above all, my number one advice is to talk to your girlfriend and get a feeling for what she wants.

Good luck, Austin

 

[inflorescence]

I want to find the right time and place and simply profess my undying love for her, my commitment to her and our future family, the passion I have for her and that I just can't wait any longer to make her my wife, get married and take the next step in our life partnership.

You brought tears to my eyes. THIS is what a proposal should be. I don't understand why men/women get so caught up on the ring. It's about what's behind it that matters, and you clearly have it. If my SO did this I would say yes FOR SURE. There is nothing wrong with eloping and getting the ring after, plus then you can look together and make it a team effort to pick it out... you dont need to get a necklace, I feel in that position I would rather just the proposal and then get a ring, I would question if the necklace was it... lol..

Good luck!

 

[mr_purple]

To be the voice of reason and not just "feelings" let me say this:

Over time, while absolute love should not deteriorate over time, feelings do. Deep emotional sentiment are shared between two individuals in any relationship, however I don't believe those should get in the way of making a logical and ultimately correct decision.

Here is my stance:

If you are financially not ready for a ring or a marriage, it would be a little selfish to push for either one at this date. At first glance, it may seem like a great idea because, lets face it, every girl wants to get married to the guy of their dreams, but does that mean that's the best decision?

I have always lived by a rule that any major decision or purchase should not force someone to live a different (lesser quality) life style that they are not accustomed to. Without adequate financial freedom to get married, or even feel like you have the ability to save for a ring you think she deserves, in my opinion, could have the potential for causing a stressful financial environment for the both of you.

If she is the girl for you, and you both have spoken about this, then I think that she would be more than happy to wait until both of you are in a place to truly be able to enjoy each other without having the burden of money to worry about.

----

I have been with my gf for almost 8 years. I will be proposing soon enough however it was not my decision to wait this long. Life doesn't always go as planned and I too didn't have the financial capacity I thought I would to start our lives sooner. She has been anxious and jittery and has said many times she doesn't care about the size of the ring or the quality, she just wants our lives to get started. She would be happy with any old rock and I could be spending fractions of what I have decided to pay but I would not be happy giving her something that I felt wasn't the absolute best.

I knew that while it would be easy enough to propose and get married while financially unstable, it would take a toll on our relationship. I would never want to be in a position to provide the woman I love with anything but the best life possible, and so it was more important to wait it out.

----

Please take what I say with a grain of salt because these are based on my personal experiences and views on life. I am sure that anyone will say "money doesn't matter, we can get through anything", but the sad reality is that until money becomes the biggest stress factor in a relationship, no one knows how their partner is going to react or handle it (no matter how well we think we know them).

My opinion is to wait until you can save up something you are comfortable with. If she's worth the trouble, she's worth the wait.

 

[wakingdreams53]

If you're truly in a position to get married, but the only thing stopping you is the ring, then do it!
Your proposal idea is phenomenal and if I were in her shoes, I'd completely melt.
My SO also hates the idea of an "upgrade" ring or replacement, so I definitely get where you're coming from not wanting to buy anything "lower." However, a later-date-ring kinda isn't an engagement ring anymore, since the original point is ENGAGEMENT.
That being said, I fully believe that every woman deserves a gorgeous ring from her SO, at any point in time.

Mr. Purple brings up some great points, but only you know your relationship.

You mentioned not being able to afford a wedding-- so you plan to elope? Just make sure your SO is into this idea, or else you have time to save for both e-ring and wedding.

 

[NicaK]

I would talk to her and figure out what she likes. Some women really like having a ring and some don't. There is nothing wrong with waiting. You don't want to be in a marriage constantly fighting about money. Once you get an idea of what she would like you can start putting money away for a ring and a wedding.

 

[Sun-Shine]

If this were me I would prefer no ring to a necklace. And (again just me) ultimately I would prefer a simple stacking band to nothing. It can always be worn with the engagement ring. Like SDS said, it is a symbol in our society and I would prefer to have people know I'm engaged/married to always having to say explain the situation. A band makes a statement. Financial security being the pre-cursor to marriage is very personal choice. I know many loving couples who started in the shallow side financial pool and chose to build their lives together. I wish you the very best!

 

[HopeDream]

Hey Mr Carter,

Since you're ready to cut to the chace and get married, why not propose with a wedding band engraved with "Will you marry me?"

She'll need it anyway for when you're married.
This one is $200 http://www.e-weddingbands.com/store/diamond-baby-princess.html
or if you like plain $167 http://www.e-weddingbands.com/store/product90532.html

Get her the engagement when you can aford it - for a 5th or 10th anniversary.

If you'd like to give her a proposal momento, a small diamond pendant could also be lovely.

 

[Snow_Miser]

I agree with HopeDream!! I don't know your financial situation, but you mentioned not being able to get your gf the ring she deserves, but maybe you still have enough money to get your girl a nice wedding band and can propose with that.

I think the idea of an eternity band or even a half eternity band would be really cool. She can wear it as an all-in-one engagement and wedding ring now, and later pair it with her forever engagement ring.

It is definitely hard to save up for a ring and a wedding--I think it shocks most people when they realize just how expensive it is!! Especially if neither set of parents are in a position to help pay for the wedding. Coming from a teacher who is in a relationship with an accountant, I know how financially stressful this process can be!

Your proposal sounds wonderful. I know your gf will be thrilled when you ask her to spend the rest of her like with you. That's what it's all about after all.

 

[jezebelle]

As a woman, just being honest, I would think the necklace proposal idea was sweet. However, I wouldn't go around wearing a necklace with "Will You Marry Me?" engraved on the front of it. That was actually the first thing that came to mind. I'm sure your girlfriend would love the thought, but if you'd prefer to buy her a necklace rather than a ring, I would suggest that you pick out something that you could have engraved on the back in a more discreet way. The necklace would be wearable, but you would still be able to pull off your romantic idea.

Personally, I would prefer a ring with a proposal, even if it was an inexpensive ring. As long as it was pretty and from the man I loved, I wouldn't care about the cost. I also CERTAINLY wouldn't mind getting a second ring after marriage . I know you said you only wanted to buy her one ring for the rest of your lives, but that concept is kinda foreign to me since I am a ring junkie. I could be wrong as I don't know your girlfriend's personality, but do consider that she may be disappointed with a ringless proposal. Furthermore, she may feel scared or guilty to express to you that she would like a ring, for fear of hurting you.

Hope I haven't offended you with my opinions, and I wish you both luck regardless of your choice of proposal!

 

[Heartly]

Interesting thoughts all around on this one. Here are mine:

The proposal idea is great, I don't think a ring has to be part of it. People have some unbelievable beauties here on pricescope, but it's not totally representative of the population at large. Two people make a marriage, not an expensive ring.

I would agree with PP, I would rather a ring you could afford now than a necklace. While the necklace idea is sweet, I would also not wear a necklace with that engraving on it. If you went necklace, I would go with a simple small pendent. And honestly, there are some great reasonable rings out there. My SO bought me a garnet ring from a major department store (gasp!) that I absolutely love and get compliments on all the time. It was around $400. Is it valuable? No. But it's beautiful, and it's very valuable to me.

 

[partgypsy]

i guess I'm confused what you are asking. Are you going to propose, and at some time after being married, when you have saved up money give her a nice ring?
Or you will propose, and then save up and present a ring before getting married?

If it's the first, it's not mandatory to have an engagement ring before getting married. My husband proposed without a ring. We did pick out a ring afterwards ($640 about 15 years ago ) but that's really only because I love gems and it was a chance to pick out something nice.

If it's the second, then I would just wait and present the ring when you do have the money saved up (unless you are thinking this is many years in the future?).

I have friends that have very modest, estate, heirloom and even silver engagement rings.

I guess I'm also asking, I was totally fine with my husband asking without a ring, because it was really fun to go around and look at rings. You may find that her expectations for a ring are lower than yours, such as band one with both of your birthstones, a diamond anniversary band, or a modest estate ring would make her really happy and she has a ring to wear.

I don't believe the ring makes the marriage. But if you can't afford a $500 ring, then I wonder why you are rushing this, especially if you are planning on having kids soon after getting married.

 

[yennyfire]

I agree that while your thoughts are lovely, I probably wouldn't want to be wearing a necklace that says "will you marry me" on it for the next 50 years. I would also go with the stacking band idea. There are some lovely ones for under $300 and she can use it as a wedding band or move it to her right hand down the road. The ring is not what make a marriage...it's love and committment. That said, if coming up with $200 for a wedding band is a stretch, I urge you not to have kids anytime soon, as these little buggers are expensive! If you really want to be married to one another, go to city hall, get married and then have a small reception at your home. Again, the wedding isn't the important part, it's the marriage that really matters. Best of luck to you! It sounds like your lady is very lucky to have you!

 

[LibbyLA]

Mr. Carter,

Very late to this thread so you may already have done what you're going to do, but I'll toss this out anyway.

A PSer asked in the preloved forum about a vintage wedding set for $300 or less. A fellow PSer had a beautiful set for $250 and another PSer posted a link to another beautiful set for $300. That led me to look on ebay for antique/vintage weddings sets and there are some gorgeous sets (and just engagement rings) at very reasonable prices. A very pretty set just sold for under $200 and there are some nice buy-it-now sets for $400-600, as well as quite a few others from $150 to $400.

You may be able to pick up a lovely vintage set for not much money. Once you've given her the blingy engagement ring you want to give her, she can still use a plainer antique/vintage set for everyday or travel, times when she might not want to wear the blingier one.

The metal work on some of the sets from the 1900s to 1940s is really nice and they don't look cheap. They also can pass for family heirlooms .

If you are still around and have any interest in this, post in the antique/vintage jewelry forum.

liz

 

[AprilBaby]

I would rather have any ring than a necklace.