A little bit lost...

[Cynd33]

Dear Pser''s,

As like many of you I am a newlywed and just returned from the highs of the wedding and honeymoon! We had a perfect wedding... it was beautiful weather, ran smoothly with extremely supportive family and friends - no complaints at all! In fact we have received many compliments from our guests that it was one of the best weddings they have ever been to which was a huuuuge compliment given the number of our friends who are recently being wed.

Now a month later, we got the photos back everything is done and dusted I''m feeling a strange sense of emptiness like now there is a huge gap in my life that for the last 18 months was taken up with "wedding this..." and "wedding that..."

Is this normal?

My husband and I are not looking to have kids in the near future. Not for at least 4-5 years is the plan. I know many couples have had the wedding and the baby in tow and maybe that''s what has filled the void?

Oh and married life is fantastic! I love my DH very much and we are really enjoying our new lives together. I''ve had the joy of running around changing my name and using the word ''husband'' as much as I possibly can! This is no reflection on our relationship in fact I don''t think he even knows that I am feeling a little lost...

Feeling lost is more of a personal reflection and also realisation while I was sitting at my desk looking at wedding blogs and realising I need to let go now that I am married!!!

Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences??

 

[charbie]

Its very normal to go through this!!! I know I had very similar feelings, and its hard to see a project that you have worked on for so long be finished.
I did a lot of home projects with my husband, we''ve been decorating, painting, and other various things. I''ve planted lots of flowers and lots of "homemaking" activities.
Also, my husband and I joined a bowling league with friends right after the honeymoon. It was nice to have something else to occupy our time at least one day of the week, and we had time to bond. We now are on a softball team together and play volleyball in the summer, so the activities keep us busy.
Now is really a time to develop things together as a couple. Get some new hobbies, projects, anything to help stay busy. If you are trying to fill the "kid" void, maybe get a pet together- one of my best friends who got married last year just got a kitten to help fill time.

 

[RaiKai]

While I personally did not go through this (we had a rather short engagement - ten weeks - and easily planned low-key wedding)....I think it is a very common occurrence where someone has spent that much time planning for their wedding as the planning took so much time...and it was all geared to that one event! Sometimes the individuals/relationship can have a tendency of becoming wedding focused....for months or even years...and then all of a sudden that is GONE. It's a bit of "now what?". I seem to see it around other forums or other people I know in real life now and then. I think The Knot has forums for the post-wedding blues even! So, yes, I would say it is not abnormal to feel this way.

I think for myself I did not go through it as even aside from the short engagement and rather laid back wedding planning (i.e. we did not get into a lot of the traditional elements and details) expect things to change AFTER we were married either. Life carried on as it had before. Not to say I do not love being married! DH and I both feel blessed and think it was one of the most wonderful decisions we have made....but neither of us were caught up much on the romantic fantasy of marriage either. I am not saying you consciously "expected" things different, but I think sometimes society portrays this fantasy of weddings and marriages that gets ingrained in the brain in subtle ways. But I mean, how often in the movies do we continue to see the couple PAST the altar as they go back to "reality" (as much "reality" as it can be in a movie?). Not very often! In the movies often the wedding IS the highlight or the "ending"....

DH and I both like to twist the Buddhist saying "Before Enlightenment, chop wood carry water; After Enlightenment, chop wood carry water" and substitute the word enlightenment with wedding/marriage!

I guess my point is...there is no "void" to be filled. It's just life. It just IS. I think you "get this" as you already realize this is a personal reflection. We, for example, if we do have children, will not be having them for several years yet, and even then we do not see them as a way to fill the time. It would just be another part of life. Until then, there is still no void or space to fill...it is just life...and it can be as exciting or as empty as you choose it to be. You can take on new projects yourself or as a couple...but I would look at it less as filling a void or doing it to do it, but rather because you genuinely want to do it!

Have you talked to DH about how you feel? I know it is a personal reflection, but personal reflections can be shared too - indeed it is a very healthy thing to do and a great way to increase intimacy! I know BEFORE I got married DH and I regularly even talked about our fears about BEING married - which had nothing to do with one another or our relationship but our own history or experience with marriage in our lives. It really helped us together define what marriage meant for US together....just as talking about how you feel now can do the same.

 

[PumpkinPie]

yup - normal. RaiKai had some really good advice. It didn''t happen to me because we were only engaged for 6 weeks and had a really spontaneous wedding and I was in the final stages of my thesis/graduating, moving towards residency/PhD etc. No time for that to happen!

 

[Haven]

RaiKai--I love your post. I especially love the Buddhist quote you included.

I also did not go through this particular thing, but I have a very good friend who did. She even thought about having a child to fill that void, but after some much-needed reflection she realized that was about the worst reason to have a child.

Things like this remind me of *why* I have been dreaming of opening my Haven for so many years. It all started with a discussion with my mom where we talked about how people don''t seem to have genuine hobbies and interests anymore, and instead they focus all of their energy into their jobs and into planning things or life events. So then, if you no longer have that job, or once your event is over, you don''t have anything left that makes you tick. I think the solution is to do and appreciate things in your life *right now* that make you feel happy, and that grab your attention, and ideally--make you tick. In other words--get a hobby!

Seriously, though, what are some things that are so interesting/intriguing/inspiring to you that they completely take over your entire attention span, and you could spend hours doing them and not even realize that a moment went by? Do more of those things.

For me, my things are reading, knitting, drawing, trying to learn calligraphy, listening to new music, bicycling, roller skating, walking in beautiful spaces with my pup or my husband, getting lost in the Botanic Garden, writing, oh my gosh there''s so much. And that doesn''t include the new things I like to try out!

 

[violet3]

I didn't have this happen either, but nearly EVERY ONE of my friends did. i think in our family, after my wedidng my sister was having a baby after 5+ years of trying to conceive and it's the first grandchild in the family. i'm more excited about my nephew than i was about the wedding, and i was REALLY excited about the wedding!!!!

I think it just takes a while for things to get back to normal for lots of people -- just going back to work, and doing "normal" things. I liked what Raikai and Haven had to say above Hobbies are good! Now, i wish i could think of some of mine....

 

[lilyfoot]

Cynd, this is not something I personally experienced (short engagement; very simple courthouse ceremony), but I do think it''s completely normal!

I''m glad to hear you and your husband are enjoying married life. I think this feeling will pass soon, it''s just a bit of "empty-nest" syndrome (but with your wedding plans, not children).

 

[Cynd33]

Thanks everyone for your advice. A hobby does sounds like a good idea... I completely see where you are coming from and certainly don''t feel as though there is a ''void'' to fill - just more so a lack of direction

I guess upon further thought I think the reason I do feel this way as it that hubby does work long hours and I tend to be home first and in the past 18 months I have had wedding planning to keep me occupied where as now I get a little bored!! ha!

I had a chat to my hubby and we have decided to renovate the backyard so that''s going to be my little project for now! Thanks everyone for your kind words, open ear and advice. I will definately take it on board and hopefully once I get stuck into the yard the feeling will pass!!

Cheers,
Cynd

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/29/2010 7:51:34 PM
Author: Cynd33
Thanks everyone for your advice. A hobby does sounds like a good idea... I completely see where you are coming from and certainly don''t feel as though there is a ''void'' to fill - just more so a lack of direction

I guess upon further thought I think the reason I do feel this way as it that hubby does work long hours and I tend to be home first and in the past 18 months I have had wedding planning to keep me occupied where as now I get a little bored!! ha!

I had a chat to my hubby and we have decided to renovate the backyard so that''s going to be my little project for now! Thanks everyone for your kind words, open ear and advice. I will definately take it on board and hopefully once I get stuck into the yard the feeling will pass!!

Cheers,
Cynd

You could always start a wedding photo thread.