A family conundrum

[MAC-W]

Need advice on a certain family situation –please be frank and don’t hold back on your thoughts

Hubs and I are planning a holiday in France next year to meet up with all his family.

This will be only the second time we’ve been back since we left Germany nearly 7 years ago. (Normally we use the price of our airfares to pay for members of his family to come to OZ – purely because the weather is better over here).

Next year however the plan is that the whole family meets up in France. His mum, sis and BIL will be travelling down from Scotland and our three daughters will be travelling down from London.

We’ve been trying to organise this since July but .......Every rental property we look at, Hubby’s sister rejects because of her dog. (She also hasn’t been back to OZ since getting the dog)

I totally get that he’s her baby – I have furkids myself and often make plans around what I feel is best for them. And I adore my SIL, she is fabulous in pretty much every respect.

However I am now getting totally frustrated by the seemingly endless rejection of (IMO) perfectly suitable houses - because of the dog. I’ve basically been saying to her for the last 4 months “If you like it book it. We will totally fit in with you”.

The latest rental possibility (which SIL found and initally liked),I thought was perfect in every respect but was eventually rejected by SIL because it had a spiral staircase and she didn’t think the dog would like that!

Also SIL keeps changing the location in France which is starting to frustrate me.

She and her hubby go to France for about 4 weeks every year for their holidays so I feel she can visit the areas she wants any year, whereas Hubs has said he doesn’t intend to go back to Europe for at least the next 10 years (he wants to explore more of SE Asia and the pacific), so my thoughts are that this is our one chance to visit an area we really want to go to.

Hubby and I had a bit of an argument tonight over this, cos I was saying that if we are travelling 10,000kms to see the family then the least SIL can do is work with us on an area we would like to go to. She is focussing on the pet friendly house rather than the location – its as if the location doesn’t matter as long as the dog will be happy. She has pretty much looked at all four corners of France and still not found somewhere that’s suitable for the dog IHO – normally SIL and her hubby take their camper van and live in that so housing has not been a problem for them in the past. The campervan is not an option for them this time because of MIL.

I’ve now found an area of France that I really really really want to explore (the Languedoc – Carcassone) and hubs has also been raving about how great the area seems and offers everything we would want for our holiday, but still he is making me feel like I’m being unreasonable for now insisting that the rental housing search is confined to approx a 1 hour radius of Carcassone. I’ve already found loads of fabulous houses available for rent in that area, all of them pet friendly, with none of the previous issues that SIL has rejected houses for, but what if she still doesn’t like any of them?

What do I do then? Stick to my guns that this is our big holiday and that its got to be this area? Or give in and go to whatever area SIL finds a suitable dog friendly house in, even though it might not be in an area I want to visit? Am I being unreasonable by insisting on now confining the search area?

Thoughts please.

 

[Circe]

I don't think you're being the slightest bit unreasonable.

I would guess your husband might feel, a) caught between a rock and a hard place, and, b) since it's a big family reunion, sort of like it doesn't matter *where* you are, so long as you're together.

That said, though, it sounds like you're doing all the work here: that said, while they're your family, too, it's not quite the same feeling, necessarily, and I can certainly imagine wanting to be in a desirable location. So!

1) I definitely think you need to calmly, reasonably, peacefully, lay out exactly what you wrote here for your husband. You mention it was a little bit of an argument ... so take the emotion out of the equation. Logic is on your side!

2) Can you talk to your SIL directly? You've been doing the bulk of the work and getting shot down: try telling her that you'd really love Carcassone, and you'd also love for the dog to be happy, so could she please look at the houses you've found with a generous eye ... and if those don't work, maybe help you to find a suitable candidate?

Good luck. This should be a wonderful trip - I hope your in-laws work with you on it!

 

[Steel]

She is being unreasonable.

But you are of late, being less tolerant because of your location restriction.

How long can you travel for? Should the holiday be (finally) booked in a less desirable area would you consider halving your holiday and spending the second part in an area of your and your husband's choosing?

Can't you have seperate accommodation? So that SIL can spend all kinds of time finding the perfect accom for herself and the rest of the family can book whatever they choose - just as long as you cluster around the same area - ideally the Languedoc .

 

[NewEnglandLady]

If I were you, I would do one of two things:

1. Send her a list of 3+ pet-friendly rental properties the the Languedoc – Carcassone region and tell her this is the final list, but she can choose the one that works best for her and her dog.

or

2. Have her send you a list of 3+ properties that will work for her, then choose one of those properties.

Alternatively, I love Steals idea of her renting something separately.

I have two dogs and planned a week-long family reunion recently. I was the one who did all the research on the house, so I presented everybody with 5 - 7 (pet-friendly) options and asked for feedback. It worked out very well, but we were all very flexible. The fact that your SIL is nit-picking over a staircase (??) is an obvious sign that she's taking a ride on the crazy train.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Does your husband have a history of being submissive around his family?

 

[Haven]

First, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. In fact, I think you're being very accommodating by continuing to take on the responsibility of finding properties after so many of the ones you've already found have been rejected by your SIL.

DH and I like to go on one big vacation to Europe each summer. (We live in the states, so it's a costly endeavor for us.) This is the way we look at these vacations: They are big investments of our time and money, so we take them very seriously. In some cases, we may only visit a particular place ONCE in our lives, so we want to make it a really good trip.

That being said, I would be firm about staying close to the area you'd like to explore. I know this is a family trip, but I don't think that's reason enough for staying somewhere you'd rather not stay.

I like the suggestions you've already received: Present a number of options to your SIL, tell her that she must choose one of these options, and that if she doesn't want to stay in one of them, she can find her own place and you will stay in a separate place.

Traveling with family is hard, and I imagine the larger the group, the harder it gets. I planned a trip for 42 students to Greece two summers ago, and a trip for my husband and my sister and her fiance last summer, and the trip to Greece was the easier to plan because I wasn't related to anyone!

I hope you can work it out. Everyone has to be a bit flexible when traveling in a group, and your SIL doesn't seem to have gotten that memo yet.

 

[TooPatient]

Spend part of the trip with family and then spend the last bit (recovering from family) with just you and DH in the location YOU want!

If you aren't going back to Europe for 10 years then you may as well enjoy it and see the area (and the stuff within that area) you want...... without family.

Don't get me wrong -- family is great and getting together to see people on occassion is good but this isn't the same thing as driving a couple of hours to some park. And.... after some time with family a relaxing vacation to recover from the visit is wonderful.

 

[reader]

Why can't the camper van be parked in the driveway of whatever rental location? Dog house on wheels.

 

[movie zombie]

the dog might not like the spiral staircase?! sorry, camper van in the driveway works for me.

MoZo

 

[dragonfly411]

I like the idea of getting a list of 3-4 properties and telling her that is the final list and she can pick which she likes most. Remind her that this is a family trip that all of you want to enjoy in a fun area that everyone can enjoy, and that although you understand that she loves the dog, it isn't solely about the dog.

 

[JewelFreak]

Why can't the camper van be parked in the driveway of whatever rental location? Dog house on wheels.

Can't do better than that! Super idea! Why not? Should make everyone happy, including the dog.

--- Laurie