When everything hits at once, what to do?

[YadaYadaYada]

I probably turn to you all more than I should but the struggle with life is real.

Some of you may have read my previous post about my MIL, we were considering taking her in now that she is terminal but she decided to go home. Well just last night she took a turn for the worst and today is going to hospice, it doesn't look good, she may not last past the weekend.

Then this week I found our five year old dog has a growth in his mouth. Brought him to the vet today and the doctor is very concerned as these types of growths are abnormal and usually malignant. He is having surgery Tuesday and they will biopsy the tumor. We have had a total of twelve pets in the 15 years living here and of those five died from cancer, the vet is concerned that it is environmental, maybe radon or the tap water.

I'm just not sure where I'm supposed to be or what to do. I took the dog to the vet this morning and have to get our son from school at 4. DH is with SIL 45 min away with MIL at the hospice facility, I feel like I should be there but then I asked him if he needed me there and he said he is okay for now. Do I go anyways? Do I try to keep things as normal as possible here for the kids? I have no idea but then I don't want people to think I'm an uncaring spouse.

Yesterday DH came home and told me that the nurse told him MIL may only have a couple of days and his first thought was that our anniversary (13 years ironically) is Sunday and what if she dies on our anniversary.

Guys, this didn't even cross my mind but yes it is possible MIL could die on our anniversary, poor DH it's just all too much crap.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Don't know what to say ...big HUGS.

 

[missy]

@StephanieLynn I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with and for your loved ones suffering. My best advice right now is take things one hour at a time. Don't look too far ahead so it isn't as overwhelming. Baby steps to get through each day. Sending you and your sweet pup buckets of good luck dust. And (((hugs))).

 

[AGBF]

I am so very sorry, StephanieLynn. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do, and you have to live through it as best you can. Nothing will be "perfect". Even mourning. Even a funeral. I think of the "Footprints" saying when I think of awful times like the one you are going though. One feels-or at least I feel-that even God is not there. Later I may look back and feel God was there in some way, but I don't feel it when I am suffering. I hope that you can feel comfort from God as you see Him and from others who care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I send dust, too. I wish you strength.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[telephone89]

"I don't want people to think I'm an uncaring spouse."
Excuse my language, but don't give a fuck what other people think. You have a LOT on your plate right now, you need to do what is best for your family, not what other people think you should do. If you need a break for some self care, please make sure you take it. It really sounds like you are taking on so many various burdens right now, trying to take care of everyone else, but please make sure you keep yourself happy and healthy too.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @Dancing Fire, @AGBF, and @missy

I guess my main reason for posting is that I just wasn't sure if I am supposed to just be with him and forget everything else you know? Of course that means bringing the kids along since there is nobody to watch them. So although part of me that feels like I'm not involved enough there is another part that says that holding down the fort, taking care of the kids and pets so he can just concentrate on his mom is also important and enough for now.

 

[missy]

Thanks @Dancing Fire, @AGBF, and @missy

I guess my main reason for posting is that I just wasn't sure if I am supposed to just be with him and forget everything else you know? Of course that means bringing the kids along since there is nobody to watch them. So although part of me that feels like I'm not involved enough there is another part that says that holding down the fort, taking care of the kids and pets so he can just concentrate on his mom is also important and enough for now.

Listen to your DH. If he says he's OK and doesn't need you to go there to be with him then stay where you want to be right now and take care of the kids and pets and yourself. (((Hugs))).

 

[Ally T]

Big hugs, beautiful. I would say do what your husband wishes at this stage, so stay home & keep things normal for the children. He may need this time with his sister to process what is going on, and his mother may also have requested just the two of them. She may just want some privacy.

When he needs you, he will let you know. In the meantime, keep in contact, message him often & tell him you love him.

My father was diagnosed with leukemia the day before my birthday & died 5 weeks later, the day before my brothers birthday. For a few years it hung over us both like a guillotene. But then we suddenly decided no more, and we celebrate like Billy-o now, because that’s what dad did on our birthdays previously. It gives one an extra push to enjoy the good times, although with us both there is always a teeny bit of time for quiet reflection.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @telephone89 I appreciate that and you're right of course, no sense worrying about what people think apart from DH, I'm sure if he really needed me he would say so. Also I will be there with him tomorrow and Sunday and have encouraged him to just stay with his mom tonight.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @missy, I hope your kitties have some improvement with their health too, it so hard when the furry babies are sick or not feeling themselves.

Thank you @Alex T so sorry about your dad, geez five weeks is so quick, we really do need to spend quality time with our loved ones while they are here because it changes so quickly.

 

[violet3]

Oh man, I am SO sorry - sending love and healing vibes for you all. This helped me when my mom was dying - perhaps it can help you also. Sometimes it helps to break the time up into smaller segments mentally, when it all becomes too much.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thank you @violet3 that is very helpful.

Just talked to DH and they are giving her 1-5 days, he told me to just stay home and take care of the kids for now so I think it is helping him to maybe not have them there tonight so they can get everything settled and straightened out and then we will visit on the weekend.

 

[violet3]

Thank you @violet3 that is very helpful.

Just talked to DH and they are giving her 1-5 days, he told me to just stay home and take care of the kids for now so I think it is helping him to maybe not have them there tonight so they can get everything settled and straightened out and then we will visit on the weekend.

Holding your family in my heart and prayers - I'm so very sorry.

 

[Gussie]

I am so sorry that so much is going on. Like others have mentioned, one minute at a time. Breathe. Focus on anything positive you can find. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

 

[junebug17]

Sending lots of comfort and strength @StephanieLynn, I know it's a hard time...I'm glad you are staying home with the kids for now, I was going to suggest that and maybe visiting MIL tomorrow...don't worry about what others think, you are so obviously not an uncaring spouse so don't even give that a second thought. (((Hugs)))

 

[pearlsngems]

The final days of a loved one are very hard. The tension, the waiting, and the sadness are all a lot to deal with. We went through this with 3 of our 4 parents; only my FIL died unexpectedly in his sleep.

By remaining at home, you not only take care of the needs of your children but you are a safe harbor for your husband to come home to after his visits. A clean home, kids who aren't all stressed out and exhausted, a wife with a ready hug and a sympathetic ear, and a good meal...that's what awaits him after a hard day at the hospice. This is what you can provide by staying home.

Also, if you have not already had your water tested for radon, I would do so as soon as things settle down. My cat had cancer, several times...I know how upsetting it is.
(hugs)

 

[Calliecake]

@StephanieLynn, if you don’t have someone who can stay with your children, I would listen to your husband and stay home for now. The next few days will more than likely be very hard. My SIL stayed with her small daughters when my FIL was dying. NO ONE thought she was uncaring or unsupportive because she did so. Had the children been there, I think it would have been traumatic for them to see my FIL at the end.

You also mentioned that your SIL is single. I’m sure she is finding great comfort that her brother is with her. I would do what my husband wants. Our other niece and newphew who were a little older (11 and 13) at the time only saw my FIL once for a few minutes the last week of his life. It bothered them both to see my FIL at the end.

Hospice is very good at predicting when the end is near. I wouldn’t bring my children there every day toward the end. If you decide to go and bring the children, please bring things to occupy them. You may not want them in the room with your MIL. My SIL came one afternoon with the small children. She said her goodbye’s to my FIL while I stayed in a family room at the hospice center with her children.

@StephanieLynn, Don’t be hard on yourself or doubt yourself. You have been very supportive of everyone the past few weeks. Talk to your husband and do what you both feel is best for your family. Hugs honey. This is a difficult time for everyone in your family. Your SIL will appreciate you being there for her after her mom passes.

 

[stracci2000]

Ahhh, Steph.
Everyone is giving you good advice. Ask your DH what he wants you to do.
It's his Mom, and he gets to make the call. Maybe he would rather you and the kids stay at home, so he can concentrate on his family. Which is what he needs to do at this time. And the kids don't need to see grandma sick in the hospital bed.
When she passes, they will all be scrambling around with funeral arrangements, and you and the kids may just get lost in the shuffle.
I know it's rough right now, but communicate with DH and be there for him when it's all over. (((Big hugs)))

 

[pearlsngems]

Did she end up going to Masonicare in Wallingford? I live quite nearby and used to work there. If she needs someone to sit with her I could do that so others could have a break, get a meal. We could meet in the lobby, near the gift shop. It would literally take me 10 minutes to get there and I would be happy to help.

 

[ringo865]

I’m so sorry this is all happening at once Stephanie. Do try to break up into manageable bites segments of each day and not try to tackle everything at once — too overwhelming. Good luck with your fur baby. And your MIL, may she pass peacefully and without pain.

Keep your home fires burning, kids happy and fed (maybe they can color something for gramma?) while you said for DH to get home.
You are a rock.

You can do this.

((((H U G S))))

 

[LinSF]

Hugs to you! I have no advice other than that I think you should listen to your husband, whatever his wishes are you shouldn't feel badly about it. It's his mother, and no one is going to judge you for respecting how your husband wants this to go. It'll keep your marriage intact, and save you from any comments from his family. Its important to be there for your kids also, this is their grandmother and they may also need you emotionally or for great big hugs.

Hang in there!

 

[Queenie60]

Hugs to you. One day at a time....baby steps.

 

[Austina]

I’m sorry it’s all happening at once @StephanieLynn I don’t want to make this about me, but if I may, I’d like to share that I was in the same position. MIL was hospitalised and they told DH that there was nothing they could do. He rang to tell me, and I asked if he wanted me to get to the hospital to sit with him, and he said no, he was OK. I later found out he didn’t want me there to spare me seeing her like that, and being there when she died. He was with her the whole day of our 30th wedding anniversary, and she passed a few minutes after mighnight.

Just let DH know you’ll be there if he needs you, but maybe he wants you to be home with the boys to keep things ‘normal’ for them. Possibly even doesn’t want you to see him so upset when she passes.

I’m sorry about your doggie too, as you have already experienced, oral tumours are usually bad.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

 

[JPie]

You’ve gotten good advice. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@ceg, @junebug17, @pearlsngems, @Calliecake, @stracci2000, @ringo865, @LinSF, @Austina, @JPie thank you all for your supportive words and Austina for sharing your experience with this, it's great to have reassurance that you're doing the right thing during these types of times.

@pearlsngems, she ended up going to the hospice in Branford. It is so sweet of you to offer to sit with her but SIL is literally camped out there and since it is a big Italian family there is a constant rotation of people. Thank you so much for your offer.

So here is an update, the kids really wanted to see DH last night so I drove down there. DH was there a few minutes and then had to leave to drive SIL to get clothes for the night, so they only saw him maybe 15 minutes. I don't fault him but lesson learned that we should have stayed home. We did stay and visit with the family that was there, they did not go into MIL's room and I brought them some things to keep them busy so they were quiet and occupied (this is an important detail for what came later).

MIL is in a room with four other people, not sure if that is the norm or not, she was sedated and not awake while we were there. MIL did have visitors in and out throughout the time we were there. I stayed in a small lounge room with the kids the whole time. Anyways DH comes back and as they are walking in a nurse turns to them and says "we had to give one of the other patients in her room double her medication because of the noise level". I walked by the room several times and at no point was anyone overtly loud or distracting and thank God the kids were never in there so she wasn't referring to them. SIL immediately went and spoke to the supervisor who had the nurse apologize to her and the family.

It occurred to me after I got home that I overheard a conversation between two nurses (one was MIL's) talking about how they would hate all this company and distraction and that the family members were being a nuisance. So I told DH I won't be bringing the kids back there, it is no place for children, God forbid they make a noise you know? It's just as well because they visited her last weekend at her house when she was awake and with it and that will be a much better memory for them IMO than seeing her as she is now.

 

[missy]

@StephanieLynn oh my goodness, how rude of the nursing staff.

I appreciate how hard their jobs are and how overworked they may be but still that is no excuse to be gossiping about a patient or their family *especially* when they can be overheard gossiping. Unprofessional and not OK. Your family is going through hell and losing a beloved member. And on top of it all your family wasn't making a ruckus. I'm sorry you had to deal with this too and sorry it makes you feel as if you and the kids are not welcome there.

I wish your MIL could have her own room or do hospice at home. I am so sorry.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

 

[pearlsngems]

I'm sorry the family had to endure this added stress from staff. It's good that your SIL spoke up to the supervisor.

It's simply the nature of the situation that patients in multi-bed rooms will sometimes overhear their roommates' visitors, however careful they are to keep their voices down. It can't be helped, because patients are entitled to have visitors. Staff have to recognize this.

 

[House Cat]

Dearest Stephanielynn,

It is my perspective that you haven’t done anything wrong in any of these various trying circumstances.

One thing I thought of telling you while you were originally contemplating what to do is that you are never ineffective or uncaring when you are providing a stable environment for the kids during a tumultuous time. It is ok to make popcorn and snuggle and watch movies with them or make their favorite foods to comfort them. You are doing the most when you are doing this. You don’t have to run yourself ragged over all of these problems. When you and the kids are ok, your husband benefits too. You have a lot going on right now, I just want to remind you that you are allowed to be good to yourself during this time, even when it might seem impossible to do so.

 

[cmd2014]

I think it’s a real gift to DH that you are able to give him the freedom to be there for his mother and his sister without having to worry about you or the kids. That is huge. Letting him know that it’s ok if he can’t be there for your anniversary might also be a relief so he’s not feeling torn. These things are never easy. Take care of yourself and of your kids and your fur baby and let DH tell you what he needs from you. If it’s the space to deal with it on his own, that’s ok. If he needs you there, I’m sure you will be. It sounds like you are doing the best that you can possibly do under extraordinary circumstances.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I'm so sorry you're going through so much hard stuff right now. Big hugs <3