shape
carat
color
clarity

Let's discuss: Is it better to receive a surprise engagement ring, or pick it yourself?

Is it better to pick the e-ring yourself or receive it as a surprise?


  • Total voters
    123

pearaffair

Ideal_Rock
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Please use studies when making your argument. Let's see what science has to say!

https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice?language=en

For example, this ted talk discusses the paradox of choice and suggests that maybe it would be better to receive a surprise e-ring, because then you wouldn't be thinking "Oh gee, maybe I should've chosen the cushion cut instead of the round!". How many times have we seen this kind of second-guessing on PS? And how many times have we seen, "Well I wouldn't change a thing because it was a gift, given with love!"

But on the flip side, how many times have we seen: "Omg he knew I wanted a white gold princess cut but he gave me a yellow gold pear cut... Eeeek!" So obviously, it's not an easy answer!

Let's use behavioural economics, psychology, and anything else you can think of to unpack this question! Yay :)

And also, just for funsies, a poll. See above.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Easy answer for me. Surprise proposal with a stacking band or another (much less expensive) non ER ring and then go ER shopping together. Win win. If you like surprises that is and you want control over the ring you will be wearing often.

Forget studies. It comes down to the individual and what they want. There is no universal right or wrong answer. The heart wants what the heart wants and in my experience most women want a say in the ER they are going to be wearing on a daily basis.

I didn't vote in your poll because my answer isn't there.
 

pearaffair

Ideal_Rock
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Easy answer for me. Surprise proposal with a stacking band or another (much less expensive) non ER ring and then go ER shopping together. Win win. If you like surprises that is and you want control over the ring you will be wearing often.

Forget studies. It comes down to the individual and what they want. There is no universal right or wrong answer. The heart wants what the heart wants and in my experience most women want a say in the ER they are going to be wearing on a daily basis.

I didn't vote in your poll because my answer isn't there.

I love that idea!!!
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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I love that idea!!!

Haha it was a hard earned lesson on our part. Though if my dh had proposed that way I still would've ended up upgrading and changing the setting but we still would have at least saved a lot of money on the first ER ring he proposed to me with during his surprise proposal.
 

pearaffair

Ideal_Rock
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Haha it was a hard earned lesson on our part. Though if my dh had proposed that way I still would've ended up upgrading and changing the setting but we still would have at least saved a lot of money on the first ER ring he proposed to me with during his surprise proposal.

What was the first e-ring like?
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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What was the first e-ring like?

It was very lovely. Platinum Tiffany style 4 prong. Just so not my taste. Too girl next door for me. Diamond was an MRB GIA 2.93 GVS1. But definitely not ideal. My dh who is scrupulous about most things did no research about diamonds. But he is a typical guy that way. No interest in diamonds and had no clue I really cared about the jewelry too much. And truthfully either did I have a clue I cared. I was not a jewelry person at all. LOL he ruined me.
 

missy

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Austina

Ideal_Rock
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In the UK women don’t generally do the whole ‘upgrade’ ER at various stages during the marriage, so it makes sense to get what you want from the beginning.

I would not have wanted my DH to pick something for me, because I think he would’ve been influenced by what his mother had, which was certainly not what I would’ve wanted. (In the event, we didn’t get engaged, just got married).

Of course, with the advent of the internet and online shopping, Pinterest, instagram et al, it could be argued that it’s easier for men to have a good idea of what their future fiancée would like.

Even taking that into account, I still wouldn’t want my DH picking out an engagement ring for me. The surprise for me would be the proposal, the fun would be in choosing the ring.
 

foxinsox

Ideal_Rock
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Surprise proposal pick ring out together. You gotta love what you wear as a symbol of your joint commitment to each other. I get that might not be the usual approach but I think it's the way that resonates the most with me.
 

eapj

Brilliant_Rock
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I work in higher ed so no more academic resources, please!;-)

1000% let someone pick themselves. I wasted so much money over the years trying to get something I liked instead of starting off with what I wanted. We inherited a family stone so it’s not like we were starting from scratch, though, and I was involved. But - the stone was too big and set way too high for my liking. I knew nothing about jewels then and just did with the jeweler said. So I can’t say I was surprised, maybe just stupid. :rolleyes:

I actually just had David Klass work on my original ring - I switched out the diamond for a non-diamond - gasp - that’s a little bit smaller but much more to my size liking. Plus that allowed me to keep the original head and set it MUCH lower (my husband is sentimentally attached to the setting but not the stone). I feel like had I done something that was more me from the start I wouldn’t have bought so many other things.

Over the years I’ve bought CZ stand-ins, a few sapphire rings and a small diamond ring. I love all of these and do switch them out. But now that my original ring has a slightly smaller stone and is set a lot lower, I feel like I wouldn’t have gone through all of those other variations since this one is now comfortable and suits my lifestyle. And wouldn’t have been unhappy with my original set for over 10 years. I also don’t like my original wedding band and it looks terrible with an engagement ring. I can’t say that that was a surprise, but my husband had already picked them out and because I was so in love I said, “sure that looks great.” I have a different wedding band now and it works.

Anyway a super long answer to say-for anyone who is slightly picky, I really think the receiver should be involved and get to pick out what she wants.

Can’t wait to see the results of the poll!
 

ice empress

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@missy love your idea/suggestion!!

My boyfriend and I are going through OP’s exact scenarios right now... and as some of you may already know (and/or inferred), I am designing my own ring COMPLETELY, from beginning to end. Every last detail. Lol.

Indeed, I’ve done all the research and have been the one exclusively communicating with Whiteflash and VC for several months. I selected the criteria for the custom cut stone specs, and determined the jeweler, the setting, its particular nuances. In fact, all I had my BF do was wire the cash :lol:

Of course, in an ideal and romantic scenario, the proposal and ring would have come as a complete and unexpected surprise. He’s actually brought this up once or twice (and how the element of surprise and romanticism is now lessened).

But overall, we both know that I am quite particular, and that with almost complete certainty, would be disappointed with a ring I did not pick out myself. Though this may seem harsh, it’s not a reflection on my BF’s taste or style, but rather on my detail-oriented and specific nature.

Hence, it would have been silly to waste his time and money on a ring I likely wouldn’t love.

The element of surprise will simply have to come from the timing and details of the proposal, rather than the ring itself.

I really do love @missy’s idea though. This would be the ideal scenario, allowing for a surprise proposal AND a dream ring!
 

dk168

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I have strong personal tastes and seldom find any ring that ticks all the boxes for me, hence I prefer to pick my own or have it custom-made.

DK :))
 

twang07

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Even though I picked my ring (even paid for the setting and knew everything about it) I was still very surprised by my husband. So surprised I didn't even do my makeup or nails! It can be possible to have both.
 
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metro

Brilliant_Rock
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Jun 28, 2005
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My husband totally surprised me with the proposal and ring. I was as happy as anyone women could be! It's a beautiful memory! I loved my ring! Fast forward 7 years later, with the discovery of PS, I upgraded the diamond and the setting :lol:. I still have that original diamond ring that my husband picked for me though :kiss2:. Even though it does not meet PS standards, it holds great sentimental value and I hope to pass it onto my daughter one day.
 

vintageloves

Shiny_Rock
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May 30, 2013
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I still love the idea of the ring and proposal to be a surprise. I didn't get either (nor did I get the ring I want, despite being forced to pick it out myself), and I'm still sad I don't have those memories. Given how much engagement rings costs these days, it does make sense for couples to pick it out together, but the proposal is kind of a formality at that point.
 

peacechick

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Jun 6, 2013
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Is there an option to choose “semi-surprise?” I asked for a surprise and gave strict parameters- small budget, colored stone and sent photos of what I liked. Umm, I also set a timeline for the proposal because we had planning constraints. But the proposal itself was still a lovely surprise because it was creative.

I once had an ex who most likely would have disregarded my preferences and bought me a brand name diamond solitaire because it was the classic and therefore the best. I was happy that my DH listened and put in an effort to find a ring that was “me”.

But all of that was way back before I ever got into jewelry. Now that I like jewelry, I would of course like to choose my own ring. :lol:
 

rubysweettart

Shiny_Rock
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Sep 1, 2018
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The proposal was a complete surprise (to him, too!). There was no planning, he shot the question out the moment it occurred to him he wanted to marry me so there was no ring.

My husband and I went shopping together at Shane Co and he decided he really liked emerald cuts and I was elated because I do, too. He was VERY disappointed in the selection and quality at Shane Co so he went online. Now, this was 2006 and he prioritized the diamond; we found a great diamond but the jewelry site only had about 20 settings to choose from. I picked the one I liked the most but I don't think there was an "OMG! That's THE ONE!" moment. It's a 3 stone, 1 carat emerald cut flanked by .25 carat pears.

I had no concept of "affordable custom" options at the time, actually I didn't even really have the concept until this past summer shopping for a 10th anniversary ring. I think I would have gone a different route in terms of style if I had. Now, thanks to PS, I see that it's ok to have more than one ering/wedding set!
 

JLW05

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 13, 2012
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The recipient of an ER should love the ring she will (hopefully) be wearing for the rest of her life. I like the idea of a stacking ring or a non ER and then picking out the actual engagement ring together. Also, at some point, many couples come to an understanding about the future of their relationship. If they both desire a marriage, then I think discussing the bride's expectations about a diamond/setting or looking at diamonds and settings together is a great idea. The future spouse need not purchase the diamond/setting at that time but will know exactly what will make his (or her) future fiance happy.

My daughter recently got engaged and prior to the engagement she informed her intended that when the time came, I knew exactly what she wanted in terms of a stone and setting. My smart and easy going future son-in-law consulted with me. Needless to say, my daughter is over the moon because she now has the ER of her dreams and the man of her dreams!
 

LinSF

Brilliant_Rock
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Perfect topic for me! I love the surprise of an engagement ring and proposal. With my ex I told him what diamond cut I liked for "someday" and he picked out the ring and did a surprise proposal. It was stunning and the perfect ring for me.

Fast forward, and my boyfriend has asked that I help pick out the ring for several reasons. The first being that he wants me to have something I like. This makes sense to me- even after Pricescope, I am a sentimental fool and would never replace or upgrade my actual engagement/wedding ring (Now ADDITIONS and right hand rings are a different story!). I got lucky the first time around, and got something that I really liked, but this time I would be taking chances. Secondly, we've both done the whole surprise ring and proposal before. My vote is to pick it together.

That said, the one thing that I don't want is have a contrived proposal or be handed the ring straight from the jeweler. To lose the sincere, planned, timed proposal would make me sad. I think that a partner should put thought and effort into that part. I am also thinking maybe I'd better tell him that! :)
 

The Stig

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I think the wrong question was asked here. As it stands, I am not surprised that the majority are opting for picking the e-ring one self. The alternative as presented implies that the SO has no idea what the lady wants. Would it change things if the question changed to?

Is it better to pick the e-ring yourself or be surprised with a proposal based on the SO getting an e-ring exactly like you had previously selected and showed your BFF or family member once upon a time, and updated over the years?
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
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It was very lovely. Platinum Tiffany style 4 prong. Just so not my taste. Too girl next door for me. Diamond was an MRB GIA 2.93 GVS1. But definitely not ideal. My dh who is scrupulous about most things did no research about diamonds. But he is a typical guy that way. No interest in diamonds and had no clue I really cared about the jewelry too much. And truthfully either did I have a clue I cared. I was not a jewelry person at all. LOL he ruined me.

Do you have any pictures of this ring Missy?
 

Mrs_Strizzle

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Jun 14, 2018
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I guess I had a unique situation. Once it was obvious we would marry I told him that I already had my diamond (it's a FCD 1.74 carats), he just had to get the ring. He was tickled by this and still to this day has been known to brag about that, :lol:. Although I trusted him to get me something nice and he certainly did, I probably would have picked something different. But he was adamant that I be surprised by the proposal and the ring, which was very sweet. Although I love it and will always keep it, I think instead of the traditional diamond upgrade, I think I will rotate it out with some colored stone rings. I'd rather have more to choose from than just bigger anyway!
 

LJsapphire

Brilliant_Rock
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I voted for surprise even though it didn't quite happen that way it was kind of a surprise. I gave him enough hints/advice/direction for him to know the kind of thing I wanted. He knew I wanted a coloured stone as my first E-ring from my ex was a diamond solitaire. He knew I didn't really want a solitaire. He knew I wanted white metal and preferably platinum. He knows I like vintage and vintage style things.
We had done some window shopping and looked at pre-loved, and he knew I wasn't averse to that.
We just happened to see "the one" while visiting a cathedral city with his mum and I saw it in the window of the antique shop. We went in and had a look but I thought it was out of his budget.
But he went back for it and surprised me with it. :love::kiss2:

But even if I hadn't I'd have trusted him to do his homework well enough to find me something that would've loved. He wouldn't have just bought me a run of the mill ring from the high street.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Do you have any pictures of this ring Missy?

Hi Sharon, I don't have any photos of the original ER sadly since I found PS after my first reset and before that I never took bling pics. Haha imagine that. Me not taking bling pics. :lol:
But I do have a photo after that first reset albeit a terrible photo. At least my photo taking skills have (somewhat at least) improved a bit since those PS early days.

Original diamond and original WB (and actually the reset ring too but not the stone...I had that made into another shared prong eternity) but not original ring. I still have the original WB but never wear it. Too clunky for me now.

originalerandwb.jpg.png
 

twang07

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I think the wrong question was asked here. As it stands, I am not surprised that the majority are opting for picking the e-ring one self. The alternative as presented implies that the SO has no idea what the lady wants. Would it change things if the question changed to?

Is it better to pick the e-ring yourself or be surprised with a proposal based on the SO getting an e-ring exactly like you had previously selected and showed your BFF or family member once upon a time, and updated over the years?

No not for me. There was no way I'd know what I want without looking at stones myself and getting super deep into the research behind it. I guess it's different for people, but in my situation, I already felt married. So when it came to an engagement ring, it sort of felt like spending "our" money. I would expect us to make purchases of this magnitude together.

Prior to this experience I knew nothing about diamonds. Literally nothing, like what size I'd feel comfortable sitting on my finger, what style of solitaire I wanted, what color, which all affects the price. I just could not stomach the cost without being 100% involved in everything. There was no such thing in my mind as "I already knew" because frankly, I didn't. I had to embark on this journey with him. It's been my favorite part of the wedding process, hands down. I walked out with something I would not have imagined had I not been so involved. Plus he totally surprised me even though I did EVERYTHING involved in the ring thing from diamond selection and setting the stone. Yet somehow, I had no idea how he was going to do it or when and I got totally tricked and totally surprised! It was still absolutely a great proposal.

Honestly he probably wishes he had done everything because on this journey to ER I've developed a diamond addiction. :lol: Poor guy, I really didn't expect to love a piece of rock so much.

Tldr; no my answer doesn't change. It's possible I'm a control freak or the shopping is something I've subconsciously wanted to do my entire life :lol-2:
 

foxinsox

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Is it better to pick the e-ring yourself or be surprised with a proposal based on the SO getting an e-ring exactly like you had previously selected and showed your BFF or family member once upon a time, and updated over the years?
So in your scenario, I’d still have had to do all the research and pick it out for myself but with some more effort to pass it to an intermediary just to preserve the illusion of a surprise? I don’t see the point of a surprise proposal - I liked us talking about our future together and deciding what we wanted to do.
 

LLJsmom

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Sure, surprise provided he

1. Choose an ideal cut MRB from Victor Canera G or higher
2. Setting by Victor
3. Minimum of 2.5 carats
or
1. CER
2. I-K
3. Minimum of 2.5 carats
4. Setting by Victor
or
1. Antique step cut
2. E-H
3. 3 carat minimum
4. At least VS2
5. A cut I would love

See how well a surprise would work for me? :lol-2: Of course this would be for a surprise proposal if done tomorrow. When I was young, I barely knew which end was up. Yes. I would want to be involved. But your captive audience for this question is made of Pricescopers. That skews the poll already.:mrgreen2:
 
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gm89uk

Brilliant_Rock
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I found out well in advance the rough preference (shape, band style). Apart from obvious cultures, I'm not sure what proportion of women are specific regarding colour/clarity. Then it was still surprise when the proposal came round. It was on me to get the best performing diamond within budget, not compromising on colour and clarity for her to notice.
I think it's nice for the guy to have some responsibility to research and do the best with rough guidelines... But I guess that will backfire very often. So really depends on the couple.
 

pearaffair

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2015
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My answer is all over the place! I think if DH has chosen the e-ring, I would have loved it for sentimental reasons. But any “e-ring” I choose for myself, has almost no meaning for me! So I buy and sell with abandon.

But it would kind of be a hot mess if DH tried to buy me a ring with no help. I often tell him: if you’re buying me bling, ask PS for help ;-)
 

DoeEyes

Brilliant_Rock
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Jul 27, 2018
Messages
628
Hands down I needed to pick. I didn't even know what I wanted before I started looking, so he would have had no chance at getting it right. Like @twang07 said, "I already felt married. So when it came to an engagement ring, it sort of felt like spending "our" money. I would expect us to make purchases of this magnitude together."

My boyfriend and I had a discussion and decided we were ready to get married. I told him I wanted an engagement ring and a proposal, and even though he's not traditional at all and would have preferred skipping all of that and just eloping at City Hall, he agreed to plan a proposal for me and have a wedding. I was the one who suggested me picking my own ring, giving it to him, and waiting to be proposed to. He was thrilled.

I've checked in with him a few times throughout this process to make sure he's still ok with me being in charge and doesn't feel like his manhood is threatened or like it's not special or anything like that. The only thing we both agreed made us feel a little weird was that I was originally going to pay for everything. As I got closer to finding my ring, we both felt like he should contribute financially in some way instead of me just paying for everything. Even that isn't rational since we plan to completely merge our finances after we get married, but we both felt that way so as I started figuring out what my ring was going to be and it was clear I would be buying the stone and setting separately, I said I would buy the stone and he would pay for the setting. Plus this means since he'll be taking the pieces to be set, he can keep the exact time a secret from me so I don't have any idea when the ring is completed and when the proposal might come.

If we had done it the traditional way and he had secretly done all the ring shopping on his own, I think he would have paid way more for something that I still would have loved, so I don't think there's really a right or wrong way. The way we did it, we're saving money and I know I'm getting exactly what I want.
 
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