Engagement ring - keep the element of surprise or involve her in ring design?

[The Stig]

Dear PS family,

For those not following my previous thread, I am already far along in the process of designing my girlfriend’s eRing. I have purchased the center stone from IDJ and they are now casting the setting. The plan is to propose to her when we visit South Africa in Oct. I haven’t said a word to her. I engaged her best friend to help. The best friend had previously asked my gf for her ring parameters in the event I reached out to her, so she was able to show me exactly what she wanted. Basically a cushion cut center stone approximately 0.75 carats and a halo setting similar to the Waverly setting from Brilliant Earth. She did add in the caveart that she wanted the center stone set as low as possible for day to day practical purposes. I went for a 1.94 center stone instead and have for the most part stuck to the Waverley Brilliant Earth setting design with added side stones on the sides of the halo. IDJ have set the stone as low as it can go in the wax design. It could potentially go lower if we change the design, however then the wedding band then won’t sit flush which was also important to her. Bottom line is that I feel we have hit the right balance, but I have also been wondering if I shouldn’t at this point just engage her in the final stages of the project before IDJ start setting the center and other Halo and band stones. Reason being is that she has to wear the ring for the rest of her life, and therefore it would make sense for her to ensure the setting is to her liking. She still would have no say in the center stone btw.

The dilemma is that I really do want this to be a surprise to her. She is a smart lady, and I know that she knows that I’m going to propose to her in SA. I already have a plan in place with her friend’s help to make her believe that I am only planning to propose on a “fake” Caribbean trip that I am “fake” planning for early December. I’ve already planted the seeds that I want to take for a romantic trip to the Caribbean in Dec, and a week before we leave for SA, her best friend will “by mistake” let it slip that I just reached out to her now regarding the eRing and that I want to go ring shopping with the BFF when I get back from the SA trip. That should keep her guessing at the least, even though she’ll see right through it - lol.

So the big question is do I proceed as planned and try keep this a surprise, or do I engage her to review and approve the wax model, or change as she fits? Obviously seeing that IDJ are far along in the casting process, of course I would pay them for the work incurred to date if my GF changes the design. I did also consider just getting the diamond set in a plain temp solitaire setting, but if this is a surprise, then I want to propose with the actual setting to complete the surprise factor. Thoughts?

 

[bludiva]

I'm usually strongly on the side of looping your partner in but since you are getting exactly what she indicated she wants, albeit with a significantly larger center stone, I'd vote for keeping it a surprise in this case. If that feels to risky then the temp setting and designing the ring together is a lovely way to go.

 

[Wewechew]

Since you wouldn’t be giving her the option of changing the center stone (even though she asked for a significantly smaller one), I would finish out the project without her input.

 

[atp223]

It sounds like you have the setting figured out pretty well! She looped her friend in knowing that her friend would play this role, so perhaps she wants to be surprised?

I knew what my sister wanted and was able to help her fiance design a ring (also a halo from IDJ) such that it could be a total surprise, and she was super happy with the surprise ring and surprise proposal. You know your GF best though!

Coincidentally, my husband said he considered planning a fake trip to throw me off the scent too . I totally would have fallen for it!

 

[BlingDreams]

You’re already so far along in the process i say just see it through. You’re designing a ring with exactly what she wants and even a bit more, and it would kind of be a shame do the special extras be known ahead of time.

 

[LLJsmom]

Total surprise. Like others said, you’re already so far into it. I wouldn’t change it up on IDJ again. And since yiu said she wouldn’t care anyway provided you meet her parameters i would finish and be done with it.

 

[jwcjewelry]

Surprise her! It will be the best surprise ever!! She’s going to go crazy over that ring. How sweet of you to go for a bigger stone than she expects. You’ve put so much thought into the details and I’m sure she will really appreciate that.

 

[LinSF]

Keep it a surprise! Its way more romantic that way!

 

[Matthews1127]

Team surprise!!

Make it special!! The element of surprise makes it so much better!!!

Please post details & hand shots when she says “YES!”!

 

[Bron357]

Another vote for total surprise. You’ve scoped out her preferences and I think your choice will be perfect. I do like the idea of playing down, to her, the current trip and amping up the “Caribbean trip” with her girlfriend supposedly providing advice after the current trip but before the “Caribbean trip” to put her off, but women are pretty smart and even if she suspects, she will really appreciate the effort you went to to surprise her.and that’s what really counts in my book.
How exciting, we will be expecting some glorious photos in due course.

 

[scarsmum]

If there’s one thing I wish, it’s that my husbands proposal and ring had been a surprise. Sounds like you’ve got it even better then she wanted and you know more about diamonds and settings than she does. I think you’re good to go in plan surprise.

 

[twang07]

I am going to sound like a debbie downer, and I know you want it to be perfect... But as someone who would hate the idea of not being a part of a jewelry I would wear for the rest of MY life, I'd personally rather have the surprise be that I'm being proposed to and I'd pick. Honestly, weddings are a ton of money, everything is a ton of money and I'd like my life partner to be romantic, but for things like my jewelry I'd want a say cause it's no small amount. I'd be happy enough to be surprised. But I'm not your fiance, and ultimately you know what she values more, but if you at all thinks she would rather pick, let her pick AND surprise her!

ETA: my husband is my HS sweetheart and by the time we got married I already knew we would be married. He paid for the diamond and I paid for the setting. I'd rather not wonder "what if" if I didn't love the setting more than the "surprise". So take my POV with a grain of salt.

 

[Lykame]

I also vote surprise.

I have a few extra thoughts - firstly, that the friend will have to be very good at letting that slip 'by mistake'. Haha I would be terrible at doing something like that.

Secondly, any chance you could actually DO the trip to the Carribbean? Or an, ok we're not going to the Carribbean but we are going for a romantic weekend in a fancy hotel... Or something. I dunno, my automatic reaction when reading this was that I would be a bit sad to not be getting that trip... If I had been lead to believe it was going to happen... I know the proposal and everything is awesome but still. Something about that fake trip bothers me? Will you marry me? Yes! Great! By the way we're not doing that trip I led you to believe we would do? Maybe someone who's actually been proposed to could chip in about how they would feel about that?

Finally, maybe, if this is worrying you a lot, you could actually put it some feelers to her and ask her, NOT about the ring you're designing, but about how much she wishes to be involved? She knows you're going to propose at some point right? So you could say that at some point you would of course be designing a ring and you would of course do some research into her wishes, but that you wonder how much it would be essential to her to be involved in the process. To you the surprise is really important and you would rather the surprise and you'll do your best, but that if she was not completely happy with the ring setting you be willing to have it changed/modified etc. Although if she says she wants to be involved that would be problematic as you'll have to immediately share it with her and then she'll know for sure your timeline. And also she might say she wants involvement and then regret it.

Or I guess perhaps the great option here is that you leave this a surprise, and then once you've proposed with the ring you can give it a few days and then say to her, look, you have however long you need to think about the setting and if once you've done that you're wishing it was slightly different or completely different we can get it changed this time with your full input, no hard feelings. That's obviously expensive but might make you feel better?

After all that, I vote surprise and the offer to change to the setting after the proposal.

 

[Matthews1127]

I also vote surprise.

I have a few extra thoughts - firstly, that the friend will have to be very good at letting that slip 'by mistake'. Haha I would be terrible at doing something like that.

Secondly, any chance you could actually DO the trip to the Carribbean? Or an, ok we're not going to the Carribbean but we are going for a romantic weekend in a fancy hotel... Or something. I dunno, my automatic reaction when reading this was that I would be a bit sad to not be getting that trip... If I had been lead to believe it was going to happen... I know the proposal and everything is awesome but still. Something about that fake trip bothers me? Will you marry me? Yes! Great! By the way we're not doing that trip I led you to believe we would do? Maybe someone who's actually been proposed to could chip in about how they would feel about that?

Finally, maybe, if this is worrying you a lot, you could actually put it some feelers to her and ask her, NOT about the ring you're designing, but about how much she wishes to be involved? She knows you're going to propose at some point right? So you could say that at some point you would of course be designing a ring and you would of course do some research into her wishes, but that you wonder how much it would be essential to her to be involved in the process. To you the surprise is really important and you would rather the surprise and you'll do your best, but that if she was not completely happy with the ring setting you be willing to have it changed/modified etc. Although if she says she wants to be involved that would be problematic as you'll have to immediately share it with her and then she'll know for sure your timeline. And also she might say she wants involvement and then regret it.

Or I guess perhaps the great option here is that you leave this a surprise, and then once you've proposed with the ring you can give it a few days and then say to her, look, you have however long you need to think about the setting and if once you've done that you're wishing it was slightly different or completely different we can get it changed this time with your full input, no hard feelings. That's obviously expensive but might make you feel better?

After all that, I vote surprise and the offer to change to the setting after the proposal.

My DH did the surprise thing a little different. We looked at diamonds, together. I left the setting to him, but I left a trail of breadcrumbs to the setting I LOVED. That way, he could see what I really liked, and could decide what to do from there.
The proposal was a surprise, in spite of the fact that I stumbled upon the ring (in the box, in a bag), when we moved my mother, and switched our dressers. I never looked...not once, as much as I wanted to!
I knew he had my ring, but I had no idea when he would propose. He was crafty, and proposed when I least expected it. He made sure I was in comfy clothes, no make up, and my nails weren’t done; he wasn’t tipping me off...lol!
It made it insanely beautiful, and I was completely taken off guard. I had seen the diamond, but I didn’t know which setting he had selected, or what the finished ring looked like, until the proposal, and it was amazing!!
He got the setting I loved, btw.
SURPRISES ARE THE BEST!!!

 

[peacechick]

I vote surprise since you have it all planned out and a capable accomplice. No need to be disappointed, the Caribbean trip can easily be repackaged as the honeymoon.

 

[The Stig]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Sounds like the general consensus is to keep the surprise. I think the proposal in SA and size of the diamond will be special enough to more than mitigate the dissapointment of no immediate Caribbean trip, but the one time we did speak about it a year or so ago, it turns out neither of us wants a big wedding, so the wedding will probably be a destination wedding anyway (re-enter Caribbean). She has already been married previously, so she had the big ceremony already, and I’m almost certain her parents will be okay with smaller. Not that I will have a say then anyway. I am fully aware that after the engagement ring, from then onwards I keep my mouth shut and just write the checks! I will have to somehow convince my mom though.

As it relates to the setting, I actually really do like the idea to propose with the current setting, and immediately give her the option of having it re-done if she is not 100% satisfied. It’s a 15k ring, so in the grand scheme of things, writing off 2k as a sunk cost to ensure she gets both surprised and the option to re-design her own setting is totally worth it, without a doubt. The current halo and band diamonds can be kept and reset to the new setting right? That should make the new setting even cheaper.

Thanks for the great advice everyone. Will keep you updated and post pictures when the setting is ready.

 

[missy]

I agree with all the posters who say at this point keep it a surprise and it will be that much more romantic especially since you are confident you are getting her the diamond and ring of her dreams. ***Good luck***!!!! So excited for you both!
And please come back with photos.

 

[eapj]

You know your beloved best so your gut call is the right one. I’ve never been happy with my proposal ring so I wish I’d been consulted more but I’m in the minority. You know your intended best. Good luck!!!

 

[AprilBaby]

Team surprise!!!

 

[Jacquiemalta]

Could I just ask why you went so large with the centre stone as opposed to the one she liked? I'm concerned she might feel uncomfortable wearing such a large stone and that may have factored in to her original choice.

 

[sledge]

Stay covert. Have the friend "slip" about the fake trip now and have the same friend open conversation with her about the ring design. She gets input but you get the element of surprise.

The friend can make it more believable by saying something along the lines of I wanted to keep it secret but had no idea how to tell him about the setting height.

Or depending on friends own ring, she could create a fake complaint or scenario where they talk ring height and wedding bands sitting flush. Especially if they regularly have lunch, etc. Might be more covert that way as she may just think friend is griping.

Just remember, the more close to reality the story the more believable.

 

[sledge]

Just saw your last post. If you propose with a different setting, use a very basic solitaire so sunk costs are low. Then tell her about the final setting and that is awaiting her final approval so it is absolutely perfect.

BGD actually offered to let me use a temp solitaire for free had I went that way, so it may be zero sunk costs.

 

[msop04]

I'm almost always inclined to suggest bringing the FF in on the design process, but I think that a surprise would work in this case. You're doing the same setting she wants, but with a (much) larger diamond.

 

[lambskin]

You have to let her know. This is one surprise I would never want.

 

[The Stig]

Could I just ask why you went so large with the centre stone as opposed to the one she liked? I'm concerned she might feel uncomfortable wearing such a large stone and that may have factored in to her original choice.

Hi there. This is a terrific question and something I debated internally for a while. My girlfriend is extremely modest. Just her personality type to downplay everything, and she is just not comfortable putting an expensive ring out there. She is the same way with everything. Doesn't mean she doesn't want a bigger stone, she is just not the personality type to ever specifically put that out there. I could definitely had gotten her the smaller stone and I know she would still love it. However, I am fortunate in that I work in a senior position that pays well, so my budget far exceeds what she specified. It was more important to me that I got her something that in my opinion she deserves and would love. I did discuss the size of the stone with two of her best friends, and we are comfortable that the current size wouldn't be too big. I think if we went to 2.5 carats and above, then it starts getting into that territory, although I have heard from numerous sources that a diamond can never be too big from a woman's perspective. I'm kinda banking on this fact too. I did consider getting a smaller size stone from an H&A premium collection, specifically BG, which would have cost more than the current stone. Ultimately, I'm hoping the current stone will hit the sweetspot without being too big that she feels uncomfortable, and blowing her away with a ring of her dreams. Make sense?

 

[The Stig]

I'm almost always inclined to suggest bringing the FF in on the design process, but I think that a surprise would work in this case. You're doing the same setting she wants, but with a (much) larger diamond.

FF has been involved throughout each step

 

[The Stig]

You have to let her know. This is one surprise I would never want.

how so?

 

[bludiva]

Not true that a diamond can never be too big. There are a few threads on here from people who have opted to go smaller or have a 2nd, daintier ring for times they are uncomfortable wearing their larger ER. I agree that over 2ct gets to a size that is more likely to get stares/comments and it's a good bet that she'll be delighted with the ring you chose once she gets used to it. Awaiting updates!!!

 

[HappyNewLife]

Normally I urge everyone to include their SO in the ring process, but since you already know exactly what she wants, I vote SURPRISE!

 

[The Stig]

Just saw your last post. If you propose with a different setting, use a very basic solitaire so sunk costs are low. Then tell her about the final setting and that is awaiting her final approval so it is absolutely perfect.

BGD actually offered to let me use a temp solitaire for free had I went that way, so it may be zero sunk costs.

Thanks Sledge,

I have decided to let IDJ proceed with the setting as is. They already cast the ring and are now doing the polishing and setting of the stones. It is the same design as the one she selected and showed her friend from Brilliant Earth, and have no doubt IDJ will deliver one that is even better. Only issue is I have been making minor changes to the design such as diamonds on the side of the Halo. She also verbally told the friend she wants the stone set as low as possible, yet this specific design is not the lowest it could go, eg if we added a donut and basket sacrificing the wedding band sitting completely flush. Those are the types of decisions I'd love her to be involved in. Anyway, I am going with the design as is, and when I propose, will talk through the other options we could have done and make it clear that we can get the setting re-done and re-set if she chooses. I have the wiggle room in my budget to do so - just won't tell her the cost . If she absolutely loves it as is, then I will treat myself to a Porterhouse from Peter Lugar