Am I Being Crazy?

[House Cat]

I have been raising my husband’s children since they were 7 and 8 years old. They are now 24 and 25 years old. My (step) daughter is now married and owns her own home. Inside her home, she has two shelves that are covered in photos of everyone she loves...friends and family. There isn’t a single photo of me. This really, really hurts my feelings.

A few things to know about me and my daughter:
We’ve never had a falling out or even a cross word between us.
We text several times per day.
When we see each other, we are always happy to see one another and hug very tight.
She has a tattoo on her arm for me..

Am I being crazy to let this picture thing hurt my feelings? Should I ask her about it? I feel like asking her about it makes me seem really crazy. What would you do?

 

[whitewave]

Maybe the tattoo replaces the photo? Where is her bio mom?

 

[tkyasx78]

Is her biological mother still alive and does she visit the home where these shelves are?

If it bothers you though, simply say next time you are there, Hey I dont see you and me in any of these photos, can I bring one for you to put here next time I come over?

 

[pearlsngems]

Maybe she doesn't have a nice photo of the two of you? If you have one, offer it to her, framed.

 

[House Cat]

Her relationship with her bio mom is complicated. Bio mom is manipulative and mentally abusive. She hasn’t visited in a while.. but maybe that’s why i’ve Been excluded. All the time while we were raising her, her mom would say terrible things about me....

She just stopped speaking to her mom about six months ago.

 

[athenaworth]

I have a step mother who has been my step mom since I was 3 and my mother. The situation is a little different for me, but if I could put myself in your step daughter's shoes for a moment I can imagine that the photo thing is done to appease her bio mom. Who knows what kind of hell she had to endure about the tattoo from her so this is her way of making up for that. I can totally understand why you'd be hurt though - just know that what you have with her is worth far more than a photo on a mantel.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with all the posts above. I'd get a new picture of you and your husband, frame it, and give to all your children for Christmas (or whatever occasion you celebrate).

 

[tkyasx78]

Sounds like it has nothing to do with you. If bio mom is off the rails, she probably doesn't want a photo there of you two looking happy and then to have her bio mom go ballistic since bio mom is probably insanely jealous of your relationship with her already. It would be a big problem if bio mom stopped by and she forgot to take the photo down to avoid a blowup. Some people are THAT insecure.

 

[AV_]

All the time while we were raising her, her mom would say terrible things about me....

This could have hurt your daughter deeply; it did me... Who knows how a picture of you is not related to the warm feelings she has toward you ! I wouldn't want to know.
Voting for @diamondseeker2006 's approach.

rambling

 

[Calliecake]

You aren’t crazy House Cat. It would hurt me too. I agree with the comments @athenaworth and @tkyasx78 made.

You have a good relationship with your (step) daughter and thats what is really important. My guess is this has something to do with her mother. If her mom is manipulating and emotionally cruel, the poor girl has dealt with a lot.

If it’s really bothering you, talk to her alone about it and just tell her it hurts you. Go out for coffee and sit and talk. I really doubt she is doing this purposely to hurt you. She knows she is genuinely loved by you.

 

[doberman]

I think you're looking at this(understandably) from the standpoint of an older person. From what I've seen, young people's tattoos are often very personal and meaningful to them, more than a photo. You say she has a tattoo for you on her arm, I'd say you must be very special to her.

 

[lambskin]

If she was worried about bio mom having issues with seeing a photo on a shelf with tons of other pictures then how does she hide the tattoo from bio mom? I would leave it alone or if it really bothers you just ask why she has no family photos with your picture in a very nonchalant way.

 

[nala]

I don’t think you are being crazy bc you feel hurt. But since you ask, bringing it up might sound a bit crazy. Here is why. She’s an adult. She made a choice to put up pics. Reproaching her for her pics would sound immature or manipulative. I say this bc I wouldn’t appreciate anyone asking me why their pic is not on my wall. Obviously I chose not to display it. Any number of reasons but at the end of the day, I would not go out of my way to display a pic of anyone who had the nerve to ask. Sorry if it sounds harsh. I think the tattoo is plenty and you should appreciate that. Don’t be insecure if things are well.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

You're are correct HC, it is complicated. Without too much armchair psychology--I think the photos are great...and easy...for her. Beautiful way to showcase people and take up shelves!

Yet, every time your daughter washes her face or crosses her arms or dusts those shelves or takes her meals....you are there.

cheers--Sharon

 

[MamaBee]

Do you have pictures of her in your home? I would add a few extra photos of just the two of you together..in your home..not just a group one where she is included. I did that with my daughter in law..It makes her feel loved by me all by herself ..I wouldn’t say anything about the photos or give her any of you alone..The tattoo says more than a photo in her house.

 

[missy]

@House Cat I'm sorry you are feeling sad about this. Just reading what you wrote though I agree with the others. She tattooed something symbolic on her arm having to do with you and that means way more than any photo display.

Who knows what is going on between her and her biological mom. You know the relationship between you and your step DD and that is all that matters. The love and respect you two share. Photo displays don't mean a thing. Sometimes what is for show is simply that. For superficial show. Photos being displayed don't show real feelings and meaningful relationships.

Real life actions show that and the fact that she tattooed something meaningful to her that has to do with you shows it all. And you know what you two share so don't second guess yourself or doubt yourself. She loves you and you love her. And remember comparison is the thief of joy. Her relationship with her mom is her relationship with her mom and her relationship with you is something altogether different and in any case one should not have to do with the other.

(((Hugs))).

 

[AGBF]

I feel for you, HC, and I do not know if I have any answers. I will share that my daughter does not put up any photos of herself with me on the Internet. She puts up pictures of herself with her late grandparents and many with her father. I mentioned it recently, lightly, while she was having me take pictures of her and I (for a change) had asked that she take a few pictures of me, too. (The reason it came up was because the cleaning woman said she could take a picture of both of us. We have none. She is always asking her father to pose for portraits with her.) She said that I didn't want my picture on Facebook. That is not the reason. She does as she pleases. She doesn't want to put up a picture of herself with me or, I guess, of me. She also attributes all virtues to her father.

For instance, although it was really I who taught her to speak, she will say, "I have good grammar. That is due to dad."

Deb

 

[OoohShiny]

If you are in regular/ongoing contact with her, and see her often, perhaps she doesn't feel the need to have a photo of you because she does not need to be reminded of you, because you are already such a big part of her life

FWIW I have barely any pictures of my family - they are in my head and in my heart, so even though I don't speak to them very often (because we're all busy) and don't have photos up, that certainly doesn't mean I think less of them!

That may change when I lose family members, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...!

 

[marymm]

I have been raising my husband’s children since they were 7 and 8 years old. They are now 24 and 25 years old. My (step) daughter is now married and owns her own home. Inside her home, she has two shelves that are covered in photos of everyone she loves...friends and family. There isn’t a single photo of me. This really, really hurts my feelings.

A few things to know about me and my daughter:
We’ve never had a falling out or even a cross word between us.
We text several times per day.
When we see each other, we are always happy to see one another and hug very tight.
She has a tattoo on her arm for me..

Am I being crazy to let this picture thing hurt my feelings? Should I ask her about it? I feel like asking her about it makes me seem really crazy. What would you do?

FWIW I don't think you are being crazy to feel how you feel, but frankly, who knows why or how she chose the photos she is displaying ... with the wonderful relationship you have with your step daughter, why are you looking for trouble? What if you forget about the photo shelves? I do think you are focusing on what is not there, instead of on what is actually there ... you have a real connection with your step-daughter that involves mutual affection and daily contact. Actions speak loud, and she shows you every day she loves you. I suggest that you continue to accept what is freely and lovingly offered every day by your step-daughter, and don't guilt-trip her about her photos.

 

[Maria D]

We’ve never had a falling out or even a cross word between us.
We text several times per day.
When we see each other, we are always happy to see one another and hug very tight.
She has a tattoo on her arm for me..

Just wanted to chime in and say that this is really beautiful. To have this kind of relationship with your own bio (or adopted) adult child is what all parents strive for and you have it with a stepchild. I could never be a stepparent and have utmost admiration for people that do it well and with love. Here's to you House Cat!

 

[Calliecake]

House Cat, Please get picture issue out of your mind. Seriously, you have the important stuff with your daughter.

My guess is @canuk-gal probably guessed it correctly. They are on display for decoration.

The tattoo says it all... you are loved.

My nieces and nephew are in their mid twenties. Some of the little comments they make when we are together warm and fill my heart. That’s the really good stuff, the memories you have and will continue to make with her.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Awwww. Yeah, I am sensitive to the same things. I try to stay off Facebook because especially in relationships it's like "You haven't posted a photo of us since bla bla bla!" and it makes you feel crazy for no reason.

I am extremely close with my mom. We talk several times a week and never go more than a week without seeing each other. I don't have one pic of her in my house. Pics of kids and boyfriend and the kids' dad (for when they miss him) and even some grandparents grace the walls but I just don't have any good pics of my mom and I together. Mostly because we both hate having our picture taken!

 

[House Cat]

Thank you to everyone for helping me to put this subject into proper perspective. The fact is, I DO have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. I’m so grateful for that. I feel much better.