Home vs. Proposal

[CPF0RY0U]

Just curious...

If your man has enough savings for a ring/wedding or down payment for a home in what appears to be a buyer''s market right now, which do you prefer?

A) Propose now. Purchase home later, even if it means waiting for the next cycle.
B) Purchase home first. Proposal can wait a little bit longer.
C) Both, but sacrifice ring/diamond quality with the expectation to upgrade later.

 

[fuzzers]

Are you talking about buying a home together, or just for him? If together, I would want him to propose first. I want to be married before I buy a houe with SO.

 

[sunnyd]

I said C, but I wouldn''t sacrifice quality at all, just size. With or without an expectation.

 

[ams0124]

I vote for C. Maybe you can have a beautiful band for an ering and get the more traditional ring (if that''s your style) at the time of your wedding...
Just a thought.

 

[MrsHToBe]

I said propose now, but that has always been the idea. In fact, we plan on having another baby (we have a 4-year-old DD) before we get married/buy a house, so we tend to do things differently, lol.

Baby. Engagement. Baby. Marriage. House (or house, than marriage.. something like that).

Meh, works for us!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I can see how this buyers market would make a house seem like such a good idea for a young couple in love...but, realistically, I think of a house as an investment--and I wouldn''t make that sort of investment without a serious commitment. Unless you plan on seeking out professional advice, drawing up contracts and continuing to support yourself--legally, buying a house with your "boyfriend" is a luke warm idea at best.

My dear friend recently left her husband--and now is in the middle of all this "muck" when it comes to whose going to take responsibilty for what--it''s so completely complicated, and she stands to lose out on a lot...and she''s married. I couldn''t imagine what this seperation would be like if they weren''t...yet had been cohabitating like they were.

If he is dead set on buying a home, then he should...but until you''re married, I''d stay out of it as much as possible.

 

[gwendolyn]

Option D: Propose without a ring, be engaged, buy the house, then get the ring when you''ve saved some money up again.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I said proposal first then the home because we have discussed it and both agree that is how it should go for us.

 

[misskitty]

I vote something between A and C - propose now, maybe with a less expensive ring than originally planned, wait a little bit, keep saving, and then go for the house. Take a good look at your budget, and how much you'll be able to save over the next few years. It's a buyer's market right now, but it's going to stay that way for at least another year before it shifts again.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I agree with ItalianHairColor, you need to have that commitment BEFORE you buy a home together. SO owns his home and we live there with his boys, but we already know that once we get married, I will either be added to the mortgage or we are selling this one and buying a new home together. As much as I love SO and I truly believe in my heart that he''s the one, I am not a young girl anymore. I know the reality is that it could get very complicated and very messy very quickly if we entangle everything before we are legally committed to each other.

We''ve had many financial talks, but until we are married, what is his is his and what is mine is mine. I know it sounds callous and heartless to tell you the following, but I say it in the spirit of love and friendship: WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY, THINK WITH YOUR HEAD, NOT WITH YOUR HEART.

 

[KatM]

would he be willing to propose without a ring, then get it after you've saved up again? it seems like a good idea to at least be moving toward a set wedding date before buying a house with someone, but also it's such a great time to buy.

 

[Blackpaw]

Id go B even though it would kill me SIGH

neither SO nor I believe in upgrades so that options out. we''ll prolly have a similar dilemma but instead of a house it will be travel. And travel will win. So i might be an LIW even longer than i thought - come on aussie dollar...!!

 

[vita*dolce]

I''d definitely want the house. We both live with our parents and having somewhere that was OURS would be amazing!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 11/6/2008 11:48:41 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Option D: Propose without a ring, be engaged, buy the house, then get the ring when you''ve saved some money up again.

Couldn''t agree more!

I bought a house with my guy BEFORE he proposed. I knew the proposal was going to come BUT I am very lucky that things worked out as I had supposed. If you ever purchase as two single people, make sure you have an attorney to help create documents that protect each of you in case something happens. We had several additional agreements created which protected both of us from each other and from each other''s family. Did we feel we would need these documents? No. Were we smart to have them created anyway? You betcha!

My ring has been put on the back burner - perhaps as far away as our first anniversarry thanks to the way the economy has fallen apart. However, my proposal happend, I accepted sans ring and we are happily moving foward in our relationship. Remember, it isn''t about the ring; it''s about the question and the commitment. The nice bling is nothing more than a symbol - you are no less engaged without a ring. I''m living proof

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I agree with Gwen, I would want to be engaged before I did something major like that with my BF.

 

[BlueSki231]

I''m actually in this situation and I did choose B) Purchase home first. Proposal can wait a little bit longer.

WELL.. kinda-sorta not really.

He was dead-set on buying a house before proposing. I was dead-set on being AT LEAST engaged before buying a house together. To him, it was logical to buy the house first. To me, it was logical to have some sort of concrete commitment to marry first (AT LEAST).

He''d always ask me if i wanted a ring.. or if i wanted a place to live.

Sooooo...

He bought his house by himself, and I am nowhere on the mortgage/paperwork/etc. AND I won''t move in till he proposes. Now, I was totally involved in the process - we did all the house shopping together. And now that he has the house I''m totally involved in the renovations/decorating process.

But I''m not gonna lie - it hurt. And it caused a lot of tension and fights. I had this ideal picture that he would ask me to marry him and we''d buy a house TOGETHER. And then we''d both move in TOGETHER. And it would be OUR HOME. I mean we call it "our" home but i mean, is it really?? I don''t even friggin live there!!

HA now I''m getting all mad...

 

[katamari]

I totally think this is contextual based on the couple and there is no way to ever decide the right way to do it.

Generally, my preference is to be logical about the decisions, not romantic. You either need to marry first (with a prenup) or have a rock-solid legal agreement establishing ownership of the home in case of separation. Relationships can be romantic, but contracts should not be romanticized.

I also think that couples need to be completely honest about what they can afford. It doesn't help relationships to introduce jewelry that constrains the finances. If they have to postpone buying a home because they bought a ring, then they couldn't afford the ring they were buying anyways. The most beautiful rings are the affordable ones. (Do I get my PS membership revoked for feeling this way?)

 

[emeraldlover1]

I was in this situation and we bought our home first. It was the best decision for us. We learned a lot more about eachother during that process than I would have expected and it really brought us together as a couple. We had made a commitment to eachother and when it came down to buying the property well we have a legal agreement in place that both of us were on board with that protects the both of us if something went wrong. You ultimatley have to do what is right for you. It so far has been the biggest purchase for both of us. He bought my ring nearly a year later and I''m glad we did it this way. Cause everthing at once is a lot.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 11/6/2008 11:48:41 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Option D: Propose without a ring, be engaged, buy the house, then get the ring when you''ve saved some money up again.

Of COURSE propose first! If you''re not engaged, the real journey has not really begun! House-buying is so sweet when it really, truly is for the pair of you.
As an Australian (I''m assuming this is a cultural thing) I can''t imagine spending the equivalent of a whole house deposit on an engagement ring. So I voted ''C''.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Wow... that''s a really tough call. If you''ve got a great deal on a home, it would be hard to pass up. However, the though of a pending proposal vanishing seems so sad...

I voted C: you can ALWAYS upgrade later!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Great question and great responses!

I''d prefer C. SO purchased a house in May and a proposal is to come in the next several months. Although I would have prefered engagement before the house, this seems to have worked out quite well for us. He got a great deal on the home (we do not live together), has matured a lot since being a home owner, and knows that should I lose my job or when arrive kids down the road, he''s able to afford the bills without relying on my income. That''s huge for us.

On the other hand, my brother got married this September. They decided on the engagement & wedding before the house. After looking at houses in their area, it just wasn''t feasible for them to do both, so they had the wedding first (very beautiful) and are happy with their apartment until they find something in the next year or two. Only thing is they aren''t building equity and whatnot, but with their salaries they should be able to afford something nice.

Either way there are pros and cons. I just think it depends upon the couple and their priorities. I would have said yes to a proposal from 3 months into our relationship, but we just needed to grow in different ways first. For him, that meant buying a house that I really loved with the intention of us building a life together.

 

[kittybean]

Engaged first! My FI refuses to buy a house together before we''re married, but I also wanted the commitment and the wedding date to be set before we even moved into our apartment. I think it depends on the couple, but the engagement is much more important for me. We''re planning to start looking this spring, so hopefully the buyer''s market keeps up--at least there''s that upside to the yucky economy.

 

[littlelysser]

I don't think one answer applies for everyone.

My now DH and I bought our home 4 and a 1/2 years ago. We'd been together for about 2 and 1/2 years before we bought our house. I think we both knew we were going to get married, but he certainly hadn't asked me. Honestly, getting married was not a big priority for us. We knew we were going to be together and we loved each other - and it just made sense for us to buy a house when we did. DH proposed about 2 years after we moved in - I was quite surprised and of course, very happy.

We got married a little over a year ago - and I really appreciate the fact that we've owned our home a nice chunk of time, have made improvements, built equity and well, we have a home. I'd never owned a home before, and it pretty cool. I guess I didn't worry about us possibly breaking up because it really wasn't an option, if that makes sense. By the time we bought the place we were family, regardless of whether we were engaged, married, or living in sin.

So I guess the moral of the story...although many would caution against buying a house, putting both of our names on the mortgage, and mixing our finances, we did - and it worked out wonderfully for us.

You have to decide what works for you.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

lol, I asked my BF, who is much more invested (pun intended) in financial matters (he reads a forum about investing, whereas I read PS), who votes (via me) for A - because home prices are going to keep going down in this market, so there''s no real rush to buy, so for him, it makes more sense to propose now and wait until later for purchasing a home. I think this is the most interested he''s been in a PS topic

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I voted for propose first, and here''s why, think of all the money you''d spend on accessories for your house when you buy it. When you get married, you can register for many things you''ll need to fill your house and save a bundle of money that you would have spent buying it yourself.

I say get engaged, set a firm buget for the wedding and continue saving for your house.

 

[ringless]

I chose both, upgrade later... It''s not about the ring... I just want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend!

 

[JR320]

I''m going to have to go with C, only without the expectation of upgrading later (I want to keep the ring he picks for me and proposes with).

My SO has been socking money away like crazy since he graduated from law school and started working. He''s been saving primarily for a down payment on a house, but I know he is also planning on an engagement ring for me right around the same time frame. I think he''s only planning to spend about $3000 on the ring, which I certainly don''t consider will mean a sacrifice in quality. I''m a big fan of simple solitaires and smaller stones, so that''s fine with me. He won''t have to finance it and it won''t take a huge chunk of his down payment money for the house, which makes me happy.

He is hoping to find a house he loves within the next couple months. Everything will be in his name and I won''t move in until after the wedding. He''s asked for my input on making a decision, but its still a little frustrating because ultimately it will be up to him what house or where he chooses, and I would love to feel like we were shopping for OUR house, not just his. But in all fairness, he is the one who has saved the money for the down payment and I am personally not in a financial position to buy a house right now, so I can''t get too upset about it! Plus I''m totally proud of him for being committed to spending within his means.

On a side note, my cousin bought a beautiful house with her fiance two years ago. They broke off the engagement about 6 months later. Neither of them could afford the house on their own and they are still waiting for it to sell. I hate it for her. Not only is she making payments on a house she doesn''t live in, she''s having to continue to deal with the situation when she''s just ready to move on with her life. It''s definitely something to give a lot of thought and planning!

 

[MoonWater]

I would have him propose to me with a house, get married with a plain wedding band and get an E-Ring later.

 

[purselover]

I personally wouldn''t be against having a house before an engagement. I understand a lot of people are against sharing money and buying things (cars, houses etc) before having a "solid" commitment but marriages fall apart everyday, as long as you''re both on the mortgage and stuff I think it''s fine (for me personally) if you break up it''s not different then if you get divorced, people split up houses all the time. For me there is a difference between buying a house with just a boyfriend and buying a house with someone I plan on spending my life with. SO and I share money, since we will get married at some point we would eventually combine money so why not now?

 

[brooklyngirl]

FI and I had this conversation about a year ago when I was deep the throes of LIWitis. It was beginning to look like prices were heading south and FI thought it would be wise to buy a house. My response was “We’re not buying a house now, and you’re not buying a house now. If you do, you will live there by yourself.”

FI’s and my philosophy on money is that it belongs to the family and not the individual who earned it. As such, it is spent in a way the family deems fit, and I was not about to let FI spend a large chunk of our to-be family money without my consent, and without my name on the legal documents.

I didn’t want to make a commitment to a mortgage without him making a commitment to me. If he wasn’t ready for marriage just yet, then we weren’t ready for a house, and if he wanted to keep me in his life, than as far as I was concerned he wasn’t either.

And as far as the poll goes, I’d choose to get a proposal sans ring (and get the ring later). Also, I don’t know how much people spend on e-rings these days, but I doubt it would make too much of a dent in the down payment for a house. Maybe that has more to do with the market you’re in (for us it was NYC).