Moving to a new town is lonely

[nclrgirl]

Is it just me? I moved 2 weeks ago. Left my (wonderful) family and friends and (crappy) job (although, there were some great people and friends at that job). Now I''m in a new town with my WONDERFUL FI (getting married ONE WEEK from today!) Being with him is amazing! I''m just lonely for my life and friends and family.

Am I being a whiner, or is this a common feeling? I''m 27 and other than college (where I went with a handful of friends to begin with), I''ve never lived in a city other than where my family is.

 

[diamondfan]

I think on one hand it would be weird if you did NOT feel that.

It is a new adventure and filled with great promise too, but that does not mean you cannot mourn the things you left behind. There were many positive and good things there so how could you leave and NOT be aware of their absence from your life?

I never went away to college, I lived at home and went to USC. I then got married and lived about 5 minutes from my mother''s house. A few years into my marriage we moved away to the east and I was flipping as I had never lived away from home and I was 32 years old. I had two little kids, had to find schools and doctors and gyms and salons and markets and make new friends while hubby worked insane hours...and now, 11 years this month later I could not be any happier. We have a wonderful life here, have made amazing friends, and things are just great. But in the beginning I cried multiple times a day.

Can you go for visits after the wedding and honeymoon? If so, and it makes you happy, do it.

Congrats on the wedding, how exciting!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 8/30/2008 12:57:32 AM
Author:nclrgirl
Is it just me? I moved 2 weeks ago. Left my (wonderful) family and friends and (crappy) job (although, there were some great people and friends at that job). Now I'm in a new town with my WONDERFUL FI (getting married ONE WEEK from today!) Being with him is amazing! I'm just lonely for my life and friends and family.

Am I being a whiner, or is this a common feeling? I'm 27 and other than college (where I went with a handful of friends to begin with), I've never lived in a city other than where my family is.

Oh, I hear ya!

I moved to SO's city in the beginning of last month. I am an only child, extremely close to my parents and very close to a handful of good friends. I liked my job well enough & really liked my coworkers. I thought my job here would be similar (same position - I have a gov't job) and I was WRONG.

So - I missed my parents, missed my friends, hated my new job, hated my new city (which I AM still adjusting to... frankly, my hometown is a more cosmopolitan city and where I live now feels like a small town despite its million person population). I was MISERABLE. I tried to cope for about a week, with some success. About 10 days in, I had a total meltdown. Bawled my eyes out, told SO I hated it, said I was thinking of moving back, etc etc. Poor SO. I kind of blindsided the guy! He was good about it, though.


And now, almost 2 months in: things have gotten better. Still not great. I would hesitate to call them good, even. But I have found a gym I love, a yoga studio I adore, I've gotten more used to the area and more used to the roads. So that has helped. I still haven't really met any female friends, aside from SO's friend's girlfriends - they are great, mind you, but it's nice to have your own friends too. It might sound weird but working out is such a huge part of my life that finding a gym and yoga studio alone did a lot to make me feel more at home. They gave me 'safe places' to go when I am stressed. And also a way to meet people-- maybe (hopefully) even new friends since there are so many girls my age there.

Oh and I still hate my job. Perhaps more than ever. I'm basically biding my time at this point - either going back to school or finding a new position (either within the gov't or going to private sector).


Basically: so far, I have found that it gets easier eventually. But it's still not 'easy'. And being lonely? Totally normal. I still have a hard time believing I actually live in this city (perhaps because our cities have a huge, huge rivalry and IMO, my old hometown really IS nicer!). But is it worth it? It is.

It can be scary, mind you. I've never been so dependent on another person in so many ways. Friends, directions, basic things - I often have to ask him. I've never lived with someone either so that alone is a massive step for me.

Yet ultimately, I LOVE seeing SO every day. Love waking up next to him. Love falling asleep with him even more. Love eating dinner together every day. I just love living our lives together. We spent a year of commuting back and forth. We were lucky to get 2 out of 3 weekends together. Overall, the pros of that outweigh the cons of everything else.

 

[nclrgirl]

Date: 8/30/2008 1:05:20 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think on one hand it would be weird if you did NOT feel that.

It is a new adventure and filled with great promise too, but that does not mean you cannot mourn the things you left behind. There were many positive and good things there so how could you leave and NOT be aware of their absence from your life?

I never went away to college, I lived at home and went to USC. I then got married and lived about 5 minutes from my mother''s house. A few years into my marriage we moved away to the east and I was flipping as I had never lived away from home and I was 32 years old. I had two little kids, had to find schools and doctors and gyms and salons and markets and make new friends while hubby worked insane hours...and now, 11 years this month later I could not be any happier. We have a wonderful life here, have made amazing friends, and things are just great. But in the beginning I cried multiple times a day.

Can you go for visits after the wedding and honeymoon? If so, and it makes you happy, do it.

Congrats on the wedding, how exciting!

diamondfan, thank you so much for your reply! I''m actually crying a bit reading it. Luckily, we''re only a 3 hour drive away. I guess I''m just afraid that it will be VERY hard for me to make new friends, as I''m a bit shy...and I miss my parents and brothers. Luckily, I now live closer to my sister and was able to see her last weekend!

 

[nclrgirl]

Date: 8/30/2008 1:22:58 AM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 8/30/2008 12:57:32 AM
Author:nclrgirl
Is it just me? I moved 2 weeks ago. Left my (wonderful) family and friends and (crappy) job (although, there were some great people and friends at that job). Now I''m in a new town with my WONDERFUL FI (getting married ONE WEEK from today!) Being with him is amazing! I''m just lonely for my life and friends and family.

Am I being a whiner, or is this a common feeling? I''m 27 and other than college (where I went with a handful of friends to begin with), I''ve never lived in a city other than where my family is.

Oh, I hear ya!

I moved to SO''s city in the beginning of last month. I am an only child, extremely close to my parents and very close to a handful of good friends. I liked my job well enough & really liked my coworkers. I thought my job here would be similar (same position - I have a gov''t job) and I was WRONG.

So - I missed my parents, missed my friends, hated my new job, hated my new city (which I AM still adjusting to... frankly, my hometown is a more cosmopolitan city and where I live now feels like a small town despite its million person population). I was MISERABLE. I tried to cope for about a week, with some success. About 10 days in, I had a total meltdown. Bawled my eyes out, told SO I hated it, said I was thinking of moving back, etc etc. Poor SO. I kind of blindsided the guy! He was good about it, though.


And now, almost 2 months in: things have gotten better. Still not great. I would hesitate to call them good, even. But I have found a gym I love, a yoga studio I adore, I''ve gotten more used to the area and more used to the roads. So that has helped. I still haven''t really met any female friends, aside from SO''s friend''s girlfriends - they are great, mind you, but it''s nice to have your own friends too. It might sound weird but working out is such a huge part of my life that finding a gym and yoga studio alone did a lot to make me feel more at home. They gave me ''safe places'' to go when I am stressed. And also a way to meet people-- maybe (hopefully) even new friends since there are so many girls my age there.

Oh and I still hate my job. Perhaps more than ever. I''m basically biding my time at this point - either going back to school or finding a new position (either within the gov''t or going to private sector).


Basically: so far, I have found that it gets easier eventually. But it''s still not ''easy''. And being lonely? Totally normal. I still have a hard time believing I actually live in this city (perhaps because our cities have a huge, huge rivalry and IMO, my old hometown really IS nicer!). But is it worth it? It is.

It can be scary, mind you. I''ve never been so dependent on another person in so many ways. Friends, directions, basic things - I often have to ask him. I''ve never lived with someone either so that alone is a massive step for me.

Yet ultimately, I LOVE seeing SO every day. Love waking up next to him. Love falling asleep with him even more. Love eating dinner together every day. I just love living our lives together. We spent a year of commuting back and forth. We were lucky to get 2 out of 3 weekends together. Overall, the pros of that outweigh the cons of everything else.

Absolut, it sounds like you really know where I''m coming from too! It only took me 2 days to have a meltdown, and that''s after I cried my eyes out driving away from my old city...the whole three hours...crying...

I have found a gym though, which helps! And FI has been "encouraging" me to go every day after work. (He knows that it makes me feel more confident and happier when I work out)

And for the first time in two years, FI and I could go out for dinner on a Friday (because previously one of us was driving until 10pm), and we had SUCH a great time tonight!

I guess I''m not a tons of friends person. Never have been. I''m a few great friends who you would give your life for and vice versa person. And that takes time...

ANYWAY, thank you so much for sharing your experience! It makes me feel like I''m not alone.

 

[diamondfan]

Always look for a silver lining, like you have.

Also, I am sure you feel shy, but try not to think about it that way...just try to be out there...and also smile, it really breaks the ice. You might have to put yourself a bit out there, which might be hard for you, but it is worth it in the end. Just even making a couple of good pals is a wonderful thing.

 

[:)]

ncrlgirl (if you don''t mind my asking) what city are you in? Is it a major city? Even if it isn''t, treat it like an adventure. Try making a new adventure exploring different parts of town/stores every day. Friends and comfort with the city will come in time. The beginning is always the most difficult.
p.s. I posted a blushing emotie for you in the other rocky talky thread!

 

[panda08]

nclrgirl, I''m sorry you''re feeling lonely and having a hard time adjusting. Change is often difficult, as there''s a lot of comfort derived from things familiar. Have you ever been on www.meetup.com? It''s a website that hosts various interest groups in locations throughout the U.S. and the world. Just type in your city and you''ll find groups that "meetup" for things like book clubs, political interests, cooking, knitting, hiking, biking, etc. The diversity of the groups on there is really impressive. If you have a hobby or interest, you''ll probably find a group for it! When I moved to a new city, I joined a local book club through meetup. I liked how it was low pressure, as I''m not Ms. Chatty when it comes to meeting new people, and I liked how there was structure (everyone''s there to discuss the book). After I got more comfortable, I branched out and tried other groups, like my dining out group. I think it''s a great avenue to get out there and meet some new people who have common interests. I''ve found most of the people to be warm and friendly, as they''re all there for the same reason.

Hang in there! I wish you well and hope you come to love your new adopted home!

 

[2Artists]

nclrgirl-it is not just you. Moves can be very hard.

What I do is think about the knowledge that anywhere that I am (with Mr. 2Artists is home) no matter how unfamiliar.

We do church which provides a built in welcoming committee so that helps make me feel at home no matter where I am.

It helps me to start with myself and make my surroundings feel like home to me. So relax and light a candle, watch a favorite familiar movie or whatever works for you.

Read up on where you are living, find out the history and landmarks etc. You can find a lot online and you can get great travel books too. Make sure to check out least one funny guide to help you smile.

Keep a journal take photos. It will be great to look back on in the future.

Go to the local museum or library-neat stuff there.

Check out local paper and community events.

I like to find a way to give back to my new community. It helps me to look outside myself and feel more a part of things. I''m shy so it''s easier for me to work in the background quietly.

I enjoy exploring a bit every day and finding new home bases I am familiar with like a store or restaurant where the people there start to recognize me and say hi. Gradually your home base areas can grow until you feel right at home.

You two can bring over something to meet the neighbors. Gone are the days of the welcome wagon so usually you gotta do the work. Make sure to welcome people even newer than you when they move in. Yeah you may run into a jerk or two but mostly people will be pretty stoked.

A few melt downs are to be expected that''s OK change can be hard.

Sending a hug, moxie and luck.

Mrs.2Artists

 

[jewelerman]

you are not winning...it can be lonely...but think of all the possiblilities ahead of you...so much to discover!

 

[jewelerman]

sorry...winning=whinning...which you are not!

 

[violet02]

I used to move a lot when I was younger and it was always really hard... at first. Then I would make new friends and things would be okay eventually but it sure is hard to do. I really feel for you! We moved a lot... when I got older I settled in CA in High school and haven''t left since. At some point my FI wants to move out of state becasue it''s more affordable. I agree with his sentiments but I''m terrified of it. I''ve thought a lot about how to deal with this though and how I''ve met friends over the years. Some of my best friends I''ve met through work for starters. Some from when I was into a hobby like swing dancing... which had a smaller community of people.

I''m also on Yelp a lot which is big in the SF Bay area but I''ve done some poking around and found it''s big in quite a few other cities too. With Yelp there are a lot of people that do activities like Panda08 mentioned. If (and when) I were to move I would probably find a group of people that are into a hobby I''m interested in. I''m not sure where you moved to but you might want to check Yelp out if it''s active in your area. Also an idea might be volunteer work in your area if you''re into that. My stepbrother moved to a place he didn''t want to live at ALL but had to... and wound up doing volunteer work and met a lot of his friends that way. I''ve also met people through PS and GTG''s!

At some point I will have to move too and I know it will be hard, reading how people dealt with it or are dealing with it is helping me as well.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I''ve moved a lot. I have lived in 4 different states and knew no one but my DH (well he was my boyfriend at the time) when we move to NC 6 or so years ago. I think what you are feeling is normal. Plus the added stress of getting married so soon! That''s enough to stress anyone out. Life gets easier. You start meeting and making good friends and it will start to feel like home for you.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I had a really hard time when I moved to get married, too. Paul already had friends and family here and I felt like an "outsider." It got better and it didn''t take too long, but it''s totally normal to feel like you''ll never meet any "good friends" again. What I did was talk to my good friends I left behind a lot and that helped.

Eventually, Paul''s friends became mine, as well, and now we have friends that we met together. And then through work and other socialization, you meet others that become your own friends, too.

It happens; it just takes time.

Congratulations on getting married in a week! Marriage can be such an incredible blessing! In fact, my favorite thing about being married is living with my best friend every day. I love it. It helped having him around when I felt like this friendless person when I first moved here...

 

[HappyAnniversary]

Your story is very much like mine--except we moved all the way across the country just after we married. I remember being so homesick that I would go into a store that sold cooking supplies just to read the name of my hometown on the back of a cookie sheet that used to be manufactured there! One of the sadder things was I would never "run into" anyone I knew and that was so odd, I was from a small enough town that if you went shopping, you saw lots of people to say Hi to. But-- it was so exciting being married, and we met other couples and did lots of fun things that you get to do B4 kids. So--you e-mail your family and call and send pics and try to visit as often as possible and enjoy your life with your husband. Good luck!

 

[deegee]

Hubby and I had been married for 3 years when he accepted a job out of state. It was away from my family, where I grew up, my job, friends, and everything I knew. 11 years later and we''re still here. We have made so many wonderful friendships, we''re both very happy with our careers, and we have built quite a nice life for ourselves here. It was tough to begin with, and I cried a lot in the beginning. Hubby had a job and I didn''t, so he was making friends and I didn''t have any of my own. I got in a rut of staying up all night, sleeping most of the day, and going out to eat when hubby got home from work. I decided I had to do something different, so after I got the house set up I found a job and made great friends that I still have today even though I have changed jobs. I still get homesick for my family, but we visit often and it helps.

You''re not alone. Moving away from everything is hard, but it does get better.

 

[KesVayReas]

Nclrgirl,
I am so glad you started this topic... I can totally relate! Two weeks from today my husband and I are moving to a new city/state, 9hrs away from our current home. We do not know ANYONE that lives there!

I am 23, DH is 29 and we have been married for a year. I went to college in my home town and lived with my dad until my wedding day. He was a single father and we are exceptionally close. I am terrified to leave. But, I know I have to, and I was offered my DREAM job after graduating this spring; an oppoutunity of a lifetime.
I am so glad I am not the only one who is (or will be) homesick and lonely for family and friends. So many people leave home and never look back and are just fine... I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me. I have had a couple "freak-outs" recently... I am also worried about making friends as I am quite shy and have had the same group of close gf''s since middle school.
You are definately NOT whining, congratulations on your wedding! Thanks for making me feel normal tonight.